I am enough as I am
The one thing I hadn’t remembered is that his idea of how this is going to end is different. We talked about goals, dreams and beliefs in technicolor. We had no initiative to be more. A good woman can stand in front of him and she can drop everything she stands for in order to be with him, but where does that leave her in the end? Most times she is left with nothing. All I had was a broken heart again and had to pick up the pieces on my own.
I would sit and think about all of the thoughts I had about him. He’s nice, he’s handsome…but what else? What else is there for me to entertain? Why am I so invested in this imaginary circumstance? I felt the disregard for my presence in his life. We had known each other so long and it was kind of a shock that there was never more. I thought we had the foundation for a relationship that eihkd fage been perfect. It would have been perfect and would have been what I wanted… he was what i wanted. And at the time you couldn’t tell me anything bad about him and expect myself to listen to it. I gave in to the hopes of being something moes than I already was to him.
If I meant anything at all to him… do I? What do I mean to you? The fact that I chose to devote more time to him by pleasing or accommodating him than handling things I needed to in order to progress towards my own goals. It was a sadness that I have never known before. I was constantly in the mode of seeking approval and affection him.
I think when your overactive desire to be loved is put to the test, you learn how vital a healthy YOU is. You conform to a different life. We all have these thoughts… thoughts of “Am I enough” But how much will you allow these thoughts or desires that are focused on the contrary control you? You are enough. You are not lacking. You’ll get what you’re truly ready for out of life and love at the time that’s appropriate. And it’s all a product of what you’re thinking. So thoughts need to be changed agreed? I thought so. So how much is too much? Is it when you are SO stressed to the point you are just so overturned with distraught that you don’t function? Pretty much. But many of us get there someway or another. To the same point. And it’s that moment we should remember for life. If you have ever wanted more for yourself in life, you have been there and wanted to move on from it.
The change in mindset towards him occured when I finally realized I was truly wasting time. There was no way a “we could be” would happen at this time. I remember what he said when I told him that I like him. It was so nonchalant it had taken me by surprise. I had to ask myself why i felt the need to disclose any of my feelings for him at all. What was it that made me want to give him my heart so easily? When you are comfortable with who someone is, you are able to relax in who you are as well. And as long as they are being true and genuine you will have no issues trying to communicate that realness to them. I wanted so badly to understand my wants and needs and how they ultimately gave way to me not seeing the damage I was putting my heart through.
Nobody told me as a young girl growing into a woman that loving a man doesnt mean stop what you’re doing for him. It doesn’t mean that you need to be more of something in order to win him or his affection and praises.
I sat around more often than not just wondering how I could make myself better. Better this, better that. All done as if the vibe I naturally give odd when I am in my element isn’t sufficient. What I learned is that we think that we somehow need to make the attraction happen. As if we need to do more. WE DO NOT. We do not need to do more. We need to find that love within ourselves. We cannot expect to find the love we need to have for ourselves in another persons love (or lack thereof) for us. You are always going to be enough just as you are.