Live For You, Not For Them
I daresay that we are flawed but we are. From our head to our feet there is no perfection in us. And even though we try and make a false relation to what we perceive as perfect, we are running in a fast race towards the hatred of oneself. I didn’t understand exactly how I would go about walking on the path that I feel I am meant to be on, so I began looking in places that were turning me no good will. No thirst in an unjust nature is going to suddenly not make you a slave to that beast. In many terms, that beast for me was looking to the outside world for the security and belief in myself that I needed to have on my own. I cant tell you enough that I look to the woman that I was at every single time I went through heartache but nothing compares to the outcome. You always hear someone tell you that it isn’t about where you are going, but it is about where you have been. But is it? I want to believe that it’s about where you are going just as much as I want to believe that it’s about where you have been.
I often ask myself where I am I going…where am I headed? What in this mind of mine is running from me? And in turn, where am I running to? Where am I trying to go? Running from the past isn’t the answer. The past for me holds an answer to who I am and who I want to be. As I said, there is no perfection. But we try every single day to act like there is. As if there is some sort of self-fulfilling perfection in being someone we are clearly not meant to be? Is there some satisfaction that we are supposed to hold onto forever? I think the constraints that society holds on us is what keeps us down and keeps us from being better people. We are not in line with the rules of judgement by holding someone else at the stake if they don’t hold the same belief as you. Whether that be in Love, Religion, Parenting or Career. We do not hold the ultimate key to be able to say to someone that they are no longer a “person” in your eyes if they do not meet your expectations and thats the rule. We may not like what someone else is doing with their life. But at the end of the day who are they living for? Do you know where they have been in life? Does it resonate with you? Do you feel compassion for the shortcomings they have? All of these questions I have asked myself over and over. Although no amount of time spent thinking about these answers compares in the mean time to what it was in the wrong time.
I know he didn’t approve of my dreams for my own life. Nor did he know exactly what I was working on in my own personal battles in life. But although he understood that his place in my world was contingent on the tainted absence of love in the beginning of the relationship being renewed; it wasn’t far down the slope for us to go in order to crumble completely. The idealizations that you have on someone else will prevent them from being a better person. There is no life for them worth living if they are indeed living it through your eyes. I never understood the science behind forcing someone to do or be someone/something that you want them to be. All that is going to do is make them resent you. That resentment will not go away. I wish I knew earlier in life that all I really needed to do was learn how to live my life the way I want to live it.
I do not believe I am here on this earth to entertain the expectations of others. Not without saying that we operate in a culture right now that breeds the younger generation to seek the liking of others in order to be or feel like they are someone special. I believe we are all special within ourselves, we just need to learn to live in a way that really does and can bring us joy. We need to recognize unhealthy behavior whether that be in a relationship or on the job. It is important for us to understand that someone or something that isn’t healthy for us is going to cause turmoil in our lives. It is not going to bring peace. And we can be different people at different spaces in time and different times in life. But we don’t need to constantly seek the approval of others in order to be something in this world. We should be working on figuring that out within ourselves.
And that is really what I can’t wait to do. I cannot wait to learn, and grow and just be able to enjoy life along the way. Ever so thankful for life to begin with.