The one thing I hadn’t remembered is that his idea of how this was going to end was different. We had always talked about our goals, dreams and beliefs in technicolor. We had no initiative to be more.
I would sit and think about all of the thoughts I had about him. He’s nice…and handsome…but what else? What else is there for me to entertain? Why was I so invested in this imaginary circumstance? I felt the disregard for my presence in his life. We had known each other so long and it was kind of a shock that there was never more. I thought we had the foundation for a relationship that would have been nothing short of perfection for us. It would’ve been what I wanted…he was what I wanted. But was it something that he wanted as well? In order for cohesiveness to actually stick, the feeling needs to be mutual. But at the time you couldn’t tell me anything bad about him and expect me to listen to it. I dove in head first and gave into the hopes of being something more to him than I already was…that is, if I even meant anything to him at all.
The fact that I chose to devote more time to pleasing and accommodating him than handling things I needed to in order to progress towards my own goals was riveting. Once he left me and the scars still remained, it was a sadness I have never known before. I was constantly in the mode of seeking approval and affection from him. I think when your overactive desire to be loved is put to the test you learn how vital a healthy version of yourself is. You conform to a different life. We all have these thoughts. Thoughts of “What if”. But how far will you allow these thoughts or desires control you? To the point where you are incapacitated and can’t do for yourself?
The change in mindstate towards him occurred when I finally realized I was wasting my time. If he was going to just leave me like that after everything I thought we were building connectively, what did I mean to him? There was no way a “we could be” conversation would happen at this time. I remember what he said when I told him how I truly felt about him. He was so nonchalant. It wasn’t how I expected it to be. I had to ask myself why I even said anything to him about it. Why did I feel the need to tell him how I felt. Why was all of my interest being dumped into him? I wanted so badly to understand my wants and needs. How do the ultimately give way to me not seeing the damage I was putting myself thought. Nobody told me as a girl growing into a woman that loving a man doesn’t mean stop what you are doing just to be with or around him. I always felt like I needed to be something more than I was at the time. I felt like I needed to jazz myself up for him to notice me. I now realize there is no need to be more of something in order to win over a man.
I sat around more often than not wondering how I could make myself better. As in better vibes, better goals, etc. As if the vibe I naturally give off when I am in my element isn’t enough. See, we think that we need to somehow make the attraction happen. As if we need to do more. WE DON’T NEED TO DO MORE. WE DON’T NEED TO BE MORE. We need to find that love within ourselves. We cannot expect to find the love we need to have for ourselves in another person’s love (or lack thereof) for us. We are enough. We are enough. WE ARE ENOUGH. On our own.
“A good woman can stand in front of a man and she can drop everything she stands for in order to be with him. When she is stripped of everything, sitting bare and afraid; her dignity needs to remain intact”