Love & Relationships, Self Love

Calculations

I remember how clueless I was to the dating experience or rather what I like to call the math problem. It’s one of those things where it doesn’t always add up.

You do not ever truly know someone who doesn’t let you get to know them. That is what I have noticed. Not only do you never truly know someone when you don’t have the chance to get to know them, but you are also wasting time. When essentially you could be moving on to another (math) problem.

Getting to know someone takes them allowing you to do just that. When I was younger, I would have thought it would have been easy to get to know someone. I mean how hard could it be to just listen to what the person says and believe it? I knew heartbreak at a very young age because I wasn’t taught that you cannot take everything that someone says as gold. I would listen and believe. And do without asking to receive. Who was I kidding. I remember wanting to hang on to every promise a man gave me when he told me he would call back and never did. And when you’re young that just establishes a load of self doubt. I look back on what type of person I was and I have a half smile. Deep down I know it was all of those experiences that would lead me to the path I am on now.

“If all they were ever going to be was another problem for me to figure out, how do I skip that problem?”

I wanted so badly to move on from the place I was at in these circumstances where I was calculating. Calculating exactly what was wrong with me. After I while I knew there was better. And I knew it wasn’t me. So I began to seek better. And expect that much more. But I started to wonder, what happens when I find it?

I didn’t want to jump ahead, so I just started with brainstorming how to go about that. How to go about gaining a higher level of respect for myself so I can better curb the bullshit coming my way constantly. And I knew that the reason I was dealing with these issues was because of 1) How I felt about myself and 2) Lack of knowledge on how to maintain dignity and self respect when a man shows no interest in you.

I started reading books and developing a true sense of the direction affection from someone should and shouldn’t go. What are red flags? What are signs to look for? And more importantly how do you know if someone is really interested in you? It really helped shape everything that I became about. And suddenly with more work put into myself, I started to notice the outcomes. I was meeting quality men. I was in the presence of men who respected my art, and adored my class. You get out what you put in.

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