The Paradox of Forgiveness
What does forgiveness mean to you? Is the answer to that question something that you have to really think about?
“I know for me there was a period in my life where I was constantly thinking about it. I began to research forgiveness. And educate myself on what it really meant. Because all I want to do is heal.” –El’Aundra
When we are brokenhearted, we are angry. There is injustice. We are not wrong in thinking that it’s not fair. Because the truth is, it might actually not be fair. There is no encouragement for us to get better oftentimes. And so we are left to figure things out on our own if we have to. And if we have the support system that feeds off of your growth away from that which hurts you, not only are you on the path of becoming a healed, unhurt person; but you are also learning to not hurt others. Hurt people hurt people. It is a phrase that is likely to never go out of style. Because it is real. It is life. And those are words we could live better if we did so much as recited them everyday. That’s how powerful it is. I truly believe forgiveness is a process. i don’t think its a one time thing. And it’s surely nothing to not take seriously. If the resentment that goes along with unforgiving wants to return after you have healed, it will to come back if you don’t completely rid yourself of unforgiving.
I remember the feeling when I had just broke it off with someone. Or I was cheated on. The forgiveness is the end goal. But if there is a means to an end, you cant always expect that resentment is exempt from being present. I experienced resentment many times. And with a little work, it would eventually go away. But if it feels like a knife in your heart when you see someone else’s name, you feel resentment. My grandmother always said that it is a poison you drink but you hope someone else dies. You hope that they suffer.
In the healing process, you learn a simple foundational concept. When something about someone else occupies your life so much in such an unhealthy way (I say unhealthy because it is always unhealthy to live obsessing over someone in that way. But it isn’t always negative), you begin to act so different. You really do. And even at a cellular level, it affects every single level there is to affect in you. So when you start to dig in and begin with the deepest levels, you learn that when you forgive it is saying that you are
- No longer giving someone the right to hurt you.
- You are aware that in order for your own healing to be the most authentic lifetime experience for you, you must not hurt someone else for hurting you.
In regards to that second bulletpoint, you often have the scenario where a breakup occurs due to cheating. And someone finds someone to have sex with typically just to do one of the following:
- Make themselves feel better or forget it ever happened.
- Hurt the person who hurt them.
So why would someone do the later of the two? Because hurt people hurt people. Say it out loud as many times as you need to.
Any lack of forgiveness in your life will fuck up every relationship you have in your life. It is an energy draining way to live. Over time irritation will lead to negative characteristics you (if you see the effect of the negative characteristics); will want to change or (if you don’t see the effect); won’t change. The decision to forgive is all on you. And it’s best executed if it’s a daily effort to incorporate that into your lifestyle. So that it becomes second nature to forgive and move on. I say that because the interest in yourself is what’s at stake. And I wish that someone told me growing up that it’s never worth it. It’s just not worth it to hold on to unforgiving.