Late Night Green Tea
I wasn’t exactly going crazy over him. But I was just concerned. I dont know what it is about him but I care SO MUCH. I am sure this shit seems crazy and intoxicating to him so at one point I was able to manage it so it didnt seem like I was smothering him; but since we have just reconnected I am like super fucking happy and I feel like I need to tell myself to chill. Sitting around not thinking about him wasn’t on my agenda. It seemed like I had such a hard time focusing on what really mattered. Sometimes. Not all the time.
I must have looked at my phone ten times. And each time I smiled. I guarantee he fell asleep. He was tired from the day he had. The struggles we all deal with on a day to day basis. It fascinates me how we often tend to push them to the side in the midst of life. I know he is struggling right now. We both are.
I thought maybe if I showed him how much I cared about him by doing things for him that he would see how much I cared. I wanted him to see my patience. My heart was still beating. I wanted him to hold me. And when he did he didn’t feel the same. I could feel the hesitation in his body. His mind was elsewhere. I could not reach him all the time. But sometimes I could. I had imagined that if I closed my eyes and given him the anchor to my ship, he would have the capacity to take over this ship called my heart.
I walked to the kitchen to get myself more green tea. I wondered what he thought about me. Was I on his mind? In his heart? Where did he place me? All of these questions were ones that I never thought to ask him. I think I know where I stand with him. I just have to trust what comes out of his mouth. And I know what he has said to me. The best of us is lost in the galaxy of our minds. We are so caught up in what we think someone thinks about us instead of actually listening to them. But then I think about him. And what he thinks of me. And it isn’t based on opinions. It is based on what we see in each other. What we have noticed about each other over time. It is the unspoken. Because he’s seen me fall down and get right back up. We have seen each other go through that.
I smiled as I read the message on the tea tag. “Strength is in you.”
I am never going to be ashamed of how I feel bout him. I don’t care. I don’t care about what someone else thinks about it. Even him. If he likes the truth, fine. And if he doesn’t appreciate it then there is nothing I can do about it. I am the one that has to live with it. Whether the future I have includes him or not, I am the one that has to deal with the emotions that follow after having to deal with how I feel about him. Deal with how I feel about him, and not be able to have his commitment to me. That is my truth to bear. So, it’s not up to anyone else to even have an opinon about. But I know how I feel about him. I know that it is not place to go farther than he is willing to go right now. Out of respect for him. But I have learned from those older than me that have been through love. And they always tell me to never be ashamed of loving someone. It may not have an explanation. The person you care about may not even understand it. But love has been explained to me (by them) to be something that is malleable and fits the person. They can’t explain it but they just have a feeling for the person, etc. I know. I know because I know what I am dealing with when it comes to him. He inspires a fire in me. But I also know that he won’t understand it until its time. And if that time never comes, I will have to accept that.
It seemed like the walk back to my phone on the couch was so liberated. I had a little dance in my step because the night before I was at his house pretty late. We were laying in bed and he was exhausted. It was kind of a thing for me to nurture him when his body was sore. So I massaged him and he wound up falling asleep. I told him I was going to run to the gas station and get a coffee, and I told him I would grab him a tea. He had said his throat was hurting. I said absolutely.
I smiled as I walked to the car. There was something beautiful about doing things for him. And I didn’t want anything to ruin that feeling so I continued to be there for him. I walked into the gas station, and made the tea for him. 2 packets of honey, 1 green tea bag and stirred. They didn’t have lemon juice or else I would have added that. It’s not hard to convince him to do something that is good for him. So I feel like I could explain why lemon juice is in his tea. But I went ahead and paid for my coffee and his tea. I got back to the house and he was knocked out. Completely knocked. I sipped my coffee and checked some emails. He coughed and I went over to him and helped him sit up so he could drink some water. He took a sip and smiled. I knew that smile. I laid him back down and crawled up next to him. He isn’t much of a cuddle bug when he’s tired. Which is fine because I like to rub on him while he is sleeping. And I think he likes that too.
I missed him. It seemed like forever since I had touched him. Since September 2013 to be exact. And the timeline was 5.5 years. Made me sad to think that this connection between us could be so beautiful when it happened but quick and fleeting. There was sadly never a commitment between us. Not that we weren’t capable of it. I happen to think we would make a great couple. He has a lot of strengths I look for in a mate. He is incredibly intellectual. Very responsive, and caring. He is so compassionate and just non-judgmental. He always makes me happy. I have been through some really difficult times in my life since meeting him and I have always appreciated every ounce of energy that radiates from the connection we have. But I know people grow. And we are two people that have grown so much.
Somehow the stars had us aligned in the same city at the same time going through so much. But we are so… I dont know. It isn’t my place to discover that right now.
I turned over to look at my phone. He sat up and asked me what I was doing. I told him just looking at my phone and that I should probably get back home. He said “You dont have to feel like you have to leave. You can stay if you want to.”
If he knew how I melted right then and there. Like literally melted.
I smiled. “You just want me to rub on you dont you?”
“You know I do. Now get back over here.”