The Denial

Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs.

Proverbs 10:12

I always was told if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I deserved. But at that time in my life, I felt like I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin that relationship with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought everything that HE thought was wrong with me was based on valid opinions. I took his words like they were vitamins curing my illness. As if my comfort in who I truly was (before I met him) was an illness. A plague to him. Almost like his ideals, expectations and demands mattered over anything else. 

I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to feel like I was crazy. As if I was the one who needed him in order to succeed in life. As if I was nothing without him and there was nobody better for me than him. The sad thing is that I started to believe it. I don’t know how I had gotten to that point honestly. I had gotten so out of shape because of how he was making me feel about myself and I started to notice people weren’t as attracted to me anymore. And it wasn’t even sexually. It’s just an aura that you have…and I had lost it. I think people knew how I felt about myself wasn’t excellence. It was harder to make friends. It was harder to carry on a conversation about what I wanted in life and where my life was headed because I truly didn’t know. I would stand in a conversation so dumbfounded that I had even lost sight of my vision. I saw it once. Why couldn’t I see it now?

I didn’t know myself and I wasn’t able to discern whether it was because I had simply lost who I was or if I had just adopted how someone else felt about me as well the only truth there is.

There was no way for me to find out other than using time as my vice grip. It was the only thing that saved me. Time led me into learning more and more about the outcome of my decisions in that relationship. I saw psychologically the dynamic of an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. I recognized the pain in my chest when I cried. I recognized the hole in my heart when he told me I was lacking. I felt his opinions of my good deeds when it pertained to him and they were hardly anything other than negative. I chose to sit and ponder my place in life with him as my master. I didn’t ask for this slavery.

It wasn’t exactly that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, it was that I had given up on my wherewithal to get there. The thing about a tunnel that I had totally dismissed to the back of my mind is that you have to keep going. You will not reach any light or any way out if you don’t keep looking. Because when it comes to a tunnel, there’s always light at the end. You just have to get there. I didn’t have the energy to get there nor did I believe in myself enough to see that all I needed to propel myself forwards was strength and faith in me and nothing more. 

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me.

Resentment is the child of an uncared-for Forgiveness.

El’Aundra

A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and everyday dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. I would constantly have images of what happiness had been for me through my life. What it felt like. What it smelled like. This wasn’t it. It couldn’t be.

It had been something I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to a place where I enter as myself, am unable to be myself, and have to find myself once I have escaped. And escape is exactly what I did.