I have had so much going on mentally. I have many emotions I have already worked through and many I have yet to settle. I got to writing last night, and I was actually in the middle of doing some other things. I literally had to stop what I was doing, throw a post it on my door for the kids to know ‘mom is busy. 30 minutes’ I was in a zone. I was having a moment of flow and was not about to let it pass me by. With that being said, this is an extremely heartbreaking piece. I will admit that. I was crying while I was writing it. You may have to read it more than once. But no matter what, it has so much depth to it. Because it’s real as fuck. Thank you in advance for reading it

They take. They take from me and never leave anything for anyone else. They strip me of every emotion I find compelling. They take my dignity and compare me to less. They have fun at my expense. Head down, I walked to the car. I laughed because I couldn’t believe I was here again.

I looked up at the sky like there was a sign somewhere. Was there? I always say this is my type and I should just stay away. I always bend over backwards for people who don’t even know what a tightrope is. I’m the one who goes further in a relationship because of my nurturing qualities. I walk the line. I put in the time. Now I sit here with nothing.

I got into my car and threw my purse at the passenger door in a fit of rage. No dignity, no memories, no faith, no strength, no belief in anything other than the truth. The truth that I couldn’t bring myself to realize or vocalize. Key in the ignition, I’m leaving. Why have I never been with a man like me. Someone who would pick up and jump in their car at the drop of a dime… rub my feet when I worked 16 hours… doesn’t mind what I cook… makes effort to get to know me beneath the surface…who supports me. I’m not talking financially either. My dress was so pretty. I felt like I really looked nice. He seemed so nice when we talked on the phone. Great conversation,..but his problem is not for me to figure out.

Fuck it. I punched the steering wheel. This one felt real. It felt like there was something to build on. I don’t want to go to bed alone. Reverse…maneuver…drive. Too bad I’m not running his hands over. They were allover my body telling me a different message. Rubbing my back before the pain started. It was such a sharp pain. Driving down the road I realized I was hurt…blood was on my dress. Fuck. Son of a bitch this really hurt. I pulled over and got out of the car.

The grass was wet. That much I knew. Kind of felt like a cooling mask on my skin. Lights were everywhere. People were around. That sharp pain again. “Hold still ma’am, you were stabbed.”

The men…they always stab me. My back is full of scars. I laid back on the stretcher…more lights. I turned to the side and tears formed. At least I’m alive this time.

Eyes closed.

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‘If a relationship is what you’re looking for, I’m not there and can’t provide that for you. You will have to find someone else for that’

LET LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS NEVER LEAVE YOU, BIND THEM AROUND YOUR NECK. WRITE THEM ON THE TABLET OF YOUR HEART. THEN YOU WILL WIN FAVOR AND A GOOD NAME IN THE SIGHT OF GOD AND MAN -PROVERBS 3:3-4

That’s what he said to me. I think at the time I didn’t understand fully where he was coming from. He was being honest about how he felt at the time? Or was it just that he didn’t want to be with me? I was fully convinced that the later was the case. If you asked me how did I know that I would say that it was just because I just felt like he wasn’t IT for me.

He was still caught up on his ex at the time. That much I did know. What I couldn’t figure out was why he would even think I deserved the title of standby. Why was I being punished for my longstanding loyalty to him? Conversations about the future were not inclusive of any future lasting longer than 24 hours.

Looking back on the pain I inflicted on myself every time I called him. And then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. In any other point in life I would have been done sooner. I would not have sat around waiting, hoping that someone would see the real me. There just was no hope for us. It’s amazing what happens when the heart wants something so bad, the mind sees the illogical aspects and warns; but the heart repeatedly self-inflicts pain.

He knew I wanted to be more of a friend to him. I didn’t want to be a friend with benefits or someone he called when he was bored. I wanted to be more. I felt like I could accomplish more with him. I felt like he deserved more and I could provide that to him. Growing up women who were older than me would tell me some tips about dating and men. One of the most common things I was told was that I need to allow a man to do things for me as well. That there needs to be a balance, an equilibrium. And I didn’t feel like we had that. Which should have been the first sign of a problem. He didn’t think about me as much as I thought about him. He was not interested in doing as much for me as I was for him. And there was no proof of his interest.

My mindset at the time was wrong. A simple comparison to previous, committed, healthy relationships in the past should have woken me up. But I stayed asleep in this coma for years. God forgive me. For I had no idea of the damage I was going to cause to my psyche by continuing to love someone who didn’t and couldn’t love me.

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Dead Sands Poem

Lines of lies in treasured veils

Tall proportions weighed on a misogynistic scale

Bludgeoned with expectations of poise and composure

Slapped with scolding memos of ways to scold her

Hedonistic values with tokens of false appreciation

Thunderstorms of differences without hesitation

Share resources of conflict inflicted instead

Now realizing all the while, the love once there is now dead

-El’Aundra

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Welcome Back

I sat in thought about ‘being lost’ today. I pondered the idea of there being an epiphany that accompanies finding yourself. Do you just look in the mirror and say ‘Here I am!’. Do you finally realize who or what you are and you suddenly have answers from there on? Well, regardless of the many ourcomes and epiphanies I have had in the last few months, more than one truth stands firm. Sometimes it’s just therapeutic and helpful to take time to get to know YOU. Know what you want and what you need. I was blessed to have had the time to do that a lot within the past year. And with new knolwedge, outlooks and feelings; I look back with admiration because of what it took to get here. Hello to all of you. It feels great to be back in the loop

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Try, try again

Always challenging my thinking, I like to adhere to standards create growth. This year was frantic. Felt rushed. Felt like you were standing in line, not quite knowing what it is that you are standing in line for. You know it is something. But the fact that you are unable to see anything that is going on makes it harder for you to move in your day to day life.

You get stressed. Worried. Anxious. Panicked. It’s a toll in itself. It is not something for the faint of heart. You truly have no idea what’s next. Either because you have not been shown the way, lost it or cannot find it. No matter the circumstance, you are here. Here in the pile of abundance of frantic humans just like you.

They are baiting you. Waiting for you to reach that downfall just so that they may create a fear in you to end it completely. End the fight. End your life. That’s what they seek. What they live for. What they want. They themselves must assume a position of power over another (either a weak adult, or child) so that they may inflict pain. Have you met them yet? I am positive they showed their asses in 2020, didn’t they? I bet there were people you never thought would be the way that they were. So insecure. So annoying. So ignorant. So pressured.

Now we have approached the end of the year and you should have been able to search back through the past months and see what exactly is the issue. What do you think happens when you are attempting to desecrate someone? Violate another human? I thought about this in the shower this morning…how you treat another person speaks volumes about how you are as a person. What you do does matter, but nobody wants a diamond ring from a narcissistic, insecure person. There just isn’t enough glue there. There isn’t enough glue with any of those people. Which is why they never stuck in my life. They never stayed. They were weak.

Strength is so many things to me. It is the ability to sit in the face of adversity and maintain. Nobody is saying that you have to balance something on your head that’s called “maintaining”… it is just so important to ask for help when you need it. Lean on those whom you can count on. Be a better version of yourself than you were the day before. It also is not up to another person who doesn’t have your best interest at heart to point out what you are doing “wrong.” They are not here for you. That much is clear. Maintaining is going through life and moving in a way that allows you to learn from your mistakes or things done to you. I love to hear from people how they don’t associate with people who go through problems in life. Good. Don’t associate with me. No funeral, I won’t hold you.

If you truly feel you have something to do with someone’s life path so much as to say that you judge and condemn them for the struggles present in their life; you aren’t who you think you are. You are anything but great. They aren’t you. You aren’t them. Why does it matter. Are they asking you for help constantly? Are you enabling them? What are you gaining by judging them? Are you getting aroused? These are valid questions. You must enjoy seeing others in pain if you can say that statement. Otherwise you would have compassion, be kind and steadfast that you can influence a positive change but instead just choose to be a negative asshole. Minding your own business is a good start.

And amongst all of this going on in 2020, I am still here. Still standing. Ready to fight. Ready to understand on a deeper level who you are as a person. There are empathetic souls in this world that attract Luciferian type energy. They are so draining. Nothing that comes from them is pure. They are always a feeling of hatred or lying in your presence. You can feel their disdain and displeasure with you. No matter how much they say they care or they love. Never-mind that. Because in their mind, it’s all about them.

I want you to understand something. This year has to teach you something about yourself that you never knew. And that hits both sides of the coin. Dark and Light. Good and Evil. When someone sends you hatred, you take that in. It is then up to you if you want to make that your reality or not. Just because they say it to you doesn’t make it true; you don’t have to make it a reality. Do not give it life. That is where I have fucked up all these years. Giving life to opinions of others. Giving life to fucks that should have never been given.

My Mantra DAILY:

Do not allow yourself to complete someone else’s dream. You are not here for them. You are something without them. You are anything without them. You are everything with yourself. All is but an addition if it not be your children. You are magnificent. You are regal. You are unattainable due to lack of strength in them. You are precisely abundant in faith. Abundant in joy. Abundant in love. Abundant in life. You are something special without them too, just know you can be better. And being better takes time. It takes willingness to see the side of yourself that has fallen. It is they who have deceived you into thinking you cannot get up. You can get up. You will get up. You are quintessence.

And on we move. Let’s not even consider it a breath of air that we need to be in the same space with.

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The Drive Home

Surreal is how I choose to explain what happened. It was like something out of a movie. You meet someone and just have this crazy, insane connection with them. But they don’t realize who/what you are…or do they? Do they know what you’re worth and that scares them? Makes them search for simpler. Do they not know what you’re worth and that scares them?

He called me and asked me to come over and chill. It was a whole day we spent together.

I expected it to be one thing; and it wound up being another.

I have found myself sitting and wondering why someone just up and leaves me. What the fuck is wrong with you? I just shake my head. Even as I type this; I just get so disgusted with these mf’s. What made them do so? I’m bold enough to ask, so I did. “What is your problem? Now you’re acting weird.”

What weird wound up being is so confusing to me. What confuses is how you have a connection like that…vibe like that with someone and just disappear. I sat for a little bit after a week or so had passed and thought to myself that maybe this was Karma-related in nature. Maybe I should revisit whether or not that has been done by me, to someone who may not have deserved it at the time.

I know I have. And I didn’t take it personal. I just backed off. I stopped wondering what he was doing. Stopped wondering when the next time was that I would see him. I just began the ever-so-common task of hardening my heart a little bit. Just leaving that alone. It was bad enough when I walked out that night because of how I thought he was acting, he didn’t ever bother calling. No “Hey, did you get home safe?”

FOR THAT WHICH THERE IS NO ANSWER, I WILL NOT MAKE MYSELF SUFFER. -EL’AUNDRA

What was different about this one was that I actually cried. That shit actually hurt. I know it wasn’t the fact that I had drank so much that day in general; and was really tired. It was just that I was stunned. I didn’t know how to react. And the truth is that sometimes we are in certain situations and we don’t know how to react to them. But I feel like there could have been more effort on his part. There was none.

As I stated to myself “Don’t take it personal.” I moved on from it. It still crosses my mind from time to time. Wanting to apologize for storming out but at the same time calling him a coward. An ass. Ass I don’t have time for.

When will they understand that it’s all about transparency with a certain type. When it comes to me, just tell me what the fuck is going on. Because if I find out on my own and aren’t with the shits…IT’S A FUCKING PROBLEM. And you are an asshole for how you acted.

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Toxicity won’t win

Have you ever been around anyone, and they are so negative that when you finally get away from them; you are shocked at how much better you feel and perform. It is not without angst when you let someone you love go because they are just too toxic for you. The guilt that some people feel is what brings them back to interacting with this person that they have deemed as toxic to them.

Unfortunately, it’s not like the other toxic things in the world. When you reach for the bleach, there are warnings all over it.; so you adhere to those warnings. When you begin dating someone, there aren’t warnings all over them unless you are witty enough to notice them. It’s hard at times to recognize the people that are truly toxic.

STAYING DISCONNECTED FROM TOXIC PEOPLE IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF SPIRITUAL AND MENTAL GROWTH. STRENGTHENING YOUR AURA TO DEFLECT THEM IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

I remember thinking about how much I truly didn’t understand the toxicity in my own life at times when I needed that understanding the most. I was always told that by being such a kind, genuine and sweet spirit would mean I needed to protects myself more. There are people out there who seek to destroy those qualities like that.

I knew that the control factor of things is what made me initially so unwilling to continue devoting myself to a relationship I felt so small in. Where does control fit into a relationship? How much of it do you need? And more importantly who has the control; and if one person has more than the other. Let’s say the later is true; the toxic will overpower the non-toxic. That’s why in so many cases, the non-toxic people don’t leave the relationship. They continue to stay and suffer in the process.

I THOUGHT I WAS STRONGER THAN THAT.

Narcissistic and toxic men have a way that controlling us women that makes us feel like that is the only person who will ever love us. Because that is itself is control. THEY want to be the only person that does anything for you. And then they can come back and critique what they think is wrong. The fact that it then creates an atmosphere inside you where feel inadequate and essentially worthless. Now that you are down on the level they want you to be on; it’s time to bandage the wound… How that materializes is they apologize and ‘win you back.’ They do win if you let them. But you can’t think of your heart or soul as something to be won in a game so unfair and detrimental to you. Fighting back and gaining the strength to do so was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I think of it like I had to rewire my brain to manifest love inside of me and for myself that had been buried deep within my for so long. I started writing and once I saw what I was writing I was done. For some reason. it wasn’t until I wrote down all that I had been through that I realized the damage that had been done to me. After that, I began living for me. All of the weight both physically and mentally fell off. Not only did I shed 150 pounds from my own physical self, the weight I shed from my mind was far greater and more important than any pound I had lost. Anyone can make with through, but it is not without warning. You will find yourself through the massive amounts of tears for loving yourself more. Don’t feel guilty. It’s all about you.

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Unrequited Love

When there’s reciprocation, it’s called requited love. Requited love is a love that is returned. Unrequited would mean the contrary.

I had to look at this situation I had found myself in, with open eyes. I wasn’t really going to benefit by going deeper within myself while still blaming myself for the current circumstance I was in. I needed to appreciate how and why I had gotten here in the first place. I think that was really the first step to escaping this type of love that I felt.

The way I wanted him to love me was not returned how I wanted. It wasn’t mutual. That made it unrequited. No matter how many times I fantasized about us being together one day, it wasn’t a reality at the time. And it didn’t even honestly seem like something he wanted from me in the future.

I was left asking myself so many question afterwards.

I often think that I went through that to teach me how to recognize signs of someone with genuine interest. To be able to contrast versus no interest. But none of that mattered in the moment.

It seemed like he was perfect for me. We bonded over poetry. That was really the topic of our first date. That was the theme that night downtown. Although its been years since we met, the memories are still fresh in my mind. The feeling is still fresh in me. I still get butterflies when I think about him.

Ancient, distant, cold, unrequited love. And I fell hard…deep…slow. Which only made the pain so much more. It was the difference between being cut with a serrated knife versus a straight blade. The blade was dragging in my skin. I can see the flesh underneath. But it was like I didn’t care. If you imagined his “No, I’m not ready” being the knife; I kept going back to that feeling of love for him. Only to be cut open with the truth.

Most people back away from things that inflict pain on them. And he was in no way to blame. He was so honest with me. Told me what it was and I should have accepted it. The stronger, more level-headed me says that the vulnerable, disarrayed me was infatuated with his presence. Infatuated with his commitment to friendship with me. Infatuated with him.

I think infatuation can be both beneficial and beautiful when it’s mutual and I have had it be mutual. But we cannot choose who we fall in love with sometimes. I have been fortunate to have many loves in my lifetime. And they each came with their own lessons.

The lesson I learned form loving him and not receiving it in return is that my love is deep. And that can be something that someone knows, but whether the respect it is up to them. By my remaining true to myself and how I felt, I opened the door for him to be true and honest with me about how he felt for me.

So for that lesson alone, I am forever grateful.

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I have found myself thinking about how many times I have chased love. How many times I have given love and not received it back; which is called ‘Unrequited Love’ (Read about my experience with it in my previous post. It was deep. It was extremely painful.

ABOVE ALL ELSE, GUARD YOUR HEART, FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO FLOWS FROM IT.

PROVERBS 4:23

And each time made me stronger. Because it wasn’t just once that I dealt with it. And I was just thinking the other day that I am feeling stronger. Because it wasn’t just once that I deal with it. And I was just thinking the other day that I am feeling stronger than ever now. I am able to think a little bit clearer and see things in a whole new light. Inspiration is around me everywhere.

Every time I think about lesson I have learned from past experiences, I think about what feelings I associated with this person and why. What is/was their motive, if any? What are/were the things about them that are/were making me feel this way? The preliminary questions are a conversation in my head. And the reason is because I believe past experiences prepare us for the future.

There is a period in life where you go through dating and relationships without truly thinking about it. Without taking time to think about them as a person, or their past, how you communicate, what your interests are; in depth. And most importantly, how similar are you? I think about these things more often now and then I act on what I think is best at the time. And because of the something I saw in them, there have been times that I have just ghosted. Gone. There are times that I have pushed men away. I have given them a reason to leave. And those time it had to do with my insecurities and my ego. But the same has been done to me.

Shame is a blanket that we dare to wear frequently when we have gone through a heartbreak. I don’t think that’s healthy. Your season with that person is over. If you make it as simple as that for yourself, you begin to embrace the departure as growth in your life. Instead of treating it like it’s your enemy who’s out to harm you. It’s like we feel like we no longer have the option to truly go to the depths of the problem and see a way out. You have to take the time to go to the depths of the issues and figure out what is causing them, or the continuance thereof.

But when we are practicing self love we are giving into something greater for our souls. But you do know that loss creates strength right?

I have lost love. Many and many times again. I have been through that from both sides of the spectrum. I have been the person who has loved someone, made a mistake and lost them forever. I have also been in the position where they made a mistake and lost me forever.

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For a while it was like a constant battle with him. And when I say constant, I mean the shit. It seemed like there were so many conversations that had him ready to throw the towel in just much as I.

I proceeded to walk through the house. Angry as fuck. I didn’t give a shit what he said. What he said was wrong. There was no need to take it there. I can’t stand people who feel like they need to bring hateful words to a sensible conversation. All that does is make me flip the switch.

I was yelling at him back and telling him all the while to keep his mouth off me. I don’t walk in the door with guns blazing unless I feel threatened. But once that feeling of being threatened hit it’s like the gun has been there the whole time. I just had to ‘pull it out’.

“If you don’t keep your fucking mouth of me, I will have 5 generations back of women regretting you were even a thought. I would stop while you’re ahead. Telling someone the deepest, darkest secrets inside yourself doesn’t mean that you are giving them permission to turn around and use that information against you in an unfair pretense.” My whole mood: “I didn’t come at you like that, so don’t come for me.”

He stood there. Looking just as stupid as he did when he opened his mouth.

And for anyone who has been in situations like this, you know how badly you want to retreat into yourself when it’s just hit that point. See, I know in my mind it’s best to just walk away at a certain point. I cannot stand there and argue, fight etc because it will turn into a huge ordeal that is not all that necessary most times. In truth, there is a small part of us that wants to fight, right? I box people in my brain all day. And I’m pretty good in person; so if you don’t resonate I don’t blame you. And is there yet another part of you that wants to be just left alone? I feel you on that. See, sometimes there are people that antagonize for seemingly no reason at all other than to stroke their ego and themselves feel better. Narcissist. Gas-lighters.

Seemingly enough, his ego negated anything positive that his mouth said to me. Intensified conversations with The Creator. The heights of tension reached with just a look my way. Ready for war.

Far from worthless, far from stupid, far from inherently not qualified to be here; or so he would say. As if he sat one day and decided who should be here and who shouldn’t. I told him all the time he’s not God. I know God.

‘God is standing right next to me. And he won’t leave the room when I slap you across galaxies for talking shit to me.’ I said.

Silence.

There is a fashion of addressing someone that exemplifies respect for them as a human being and doesn’t degrade them within the first two sentences. I remember I used to think: ‘Once I leave him and heal myself I will find someone who won’t do this. Won’t talk to me like this. My father would never allow this. My uncle would be so ashamed. My mother would be so hurt. Not only will they know how much it hurts me, they know they’re going to get hurt as a result.’

I couldn’t make sense of anything other than what was right in front of me for so long. Seeing day in, and day out that the excitement of being with that person can wither away. I had so much hopes for us. I hate to think about the woman I was. Brings me to tears every time. It was just a really dark, low place for me. I have been blessed in life to know love. I have cheated on love. I have disregarded love. But this shit wasn’t love. And sure enough, it was a sickness I had to get away from in order to find the cure. When someone does you wrong, let it make you strong.

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