A ring in hopes of…

I often think of what it represents to me. Seeming as how I haven’t had it I seem it as one of the most selfless acts you can perform in life. It is the biggest investment of your life. Something so serious that if you don’t like one thing about this person you can’t just

Leave.

It’s not something that you just say I’m off this boat and I don’t want anything else to do with it. It’s something that you need to understand and work through. Which means the person you are with must be someone you can work with and make decisions with. Someone you respect. Someone that is so important to you that you respect them as a person and their input. I often look at other married couples and no matter what I admire them. Because I’ve never had that. Always wanted it but I never found the perfect fit. Not them really, just me. I want you to respond to my life in a way that is soft. Not hard. My life has been hard enough to live and I want to make sure the man I come home to is gentle. And sometimes it was something else. But nothing short of a learning lesson for me to understand what life married to someone would be like. Would I like how mad they got? Would I like how they talked to me? Did they talk down to me? Did they think I’m less than because of where and what I come from? Are they ashamed of my past? What are they judging me for….

And if I didn’t like it I would run. I would just leave. I couldn’t see myself sitting in a position like this and have this hanging over my head that something about ME you don’t like. I can’t have that. I have to leave. I have to be loved as a  whole. I can’t just sit and have someone be understanding of small bits and pieces of my world. I want you to have it all. And have it with me. Because I want it all. And with you I can get it all. That’s how I feel it will be like.

And old practice that I maintain is that it’s so highly thought of in my mind that sometimes you know you’re married to the wrong person and yet you stand in it. So I tell myself I’ll stick with it. Practice that. If it’s your ultimate stick with it. I’m not marrying anything less than perfect for who I feel is the real me. We all go through these periods of judgment on who we are. And we can always change. I understand divorce. I can’t sit and argue that people grow out of each other. If that’s what happens I would deal with it accordingly. But I’m going to do my best to create a fairytale. Because we create our lives. Every experience we have.

Being a woman that’s living in this world today I think you can have it all. I think decades ago there were issues with that. I love to work. Sometimes it’s hard for me because the longer I am doing something and in a field the more I ultimately want to know. I want to learn more. I know the past 15 years of raising a goddess and king has been amazing.  And very rewarding in the most heart full of ways. My heart just jumps with joy as I type this. I love my babies so much. They will always be mommy’s babies. Always. My heart bleeds for them. All the time. Because I thought I would be able to bring that to their lives. I didn’t really get to do things the exact way I wanted to. I broke hearts. I’ve had a broken heart so I wear a ring to guard my heart until I find a man that I feel is worth me taking mine off and putting his on. Or at least promising to do so.. I go through these periods where I throw in the towel and throw on a ring. You think about the psychological reasons and it’s just always on my mind. Being able to lock something down. I would marry myself, so I’m sure I won’t have a hard time finding a husband. Because I’m zoning in on myself and focusing at the time. And I don’t get hit on with a ring so I can just focus.