i-will-pass-on-your-judgement

If ever you have wondered what the world thinks of you, you should know the feeling you get after the thought has spiraled. Thinking beyond ourselves and even imagining things that could happen in our free time. Why shall this take up so much time for us? I stopped to think today that if I gave in to the idea that someone else could make me feel worse about myself; then I have already given them the power to keep me down. Down in the couch. Where I ultimately didn’t want to be. There was a period of time where I felt like I deserved where I was at. I questioned when I was sitting there on the couch peeling away at layers of myself and feeling like someone somewhere had to much of me. They had too much and they knew too much. I shared the deepest darkest parts of myself with someone who had kept it to more than themselves. They gave no concern to what I had been through and took it as something that they needed to breathe. I NEEDED THAT TO BREATHE. It wasn’t them who was out of breathe while they were bleeding themselves to them and asking for them not to judge. I gave it what I had right?

What happens when you bleed out? Who will be there to hold the wound so that you don’t die? Who is there when you have no breath? Who is taking the breath from you? Where does your respirator come from? Who is going to be there to revive you?

What made so much more sense is that I did not see who I was worth at the time. I had given myself 5 years to recollect the pain that I uncontrollably felt and then trusted someone with it that didn’t deserve the responsibility that I was giving them. They were untrustworthy. Unworthy in general, but more so when it comes to trust. I didn’t hold myself with the expectation that I needed more than just looks to keep me satisfied. More than personality. More than heart. More than real. I needed an evanescence. There was a time in my life where he would have satisfied my desire for intellect and given me what even the deepest parts of my soul desired in the bedroom. But it didn’t give me anything but hurt. Pain. Grief. Until I in turn felt like I had done so much wrong. Here is my logic.

What you want from a woman is a child. What you want from a woman is so much more than her beauty. You want things that are instrumental in life. You don’t want her to sleep with too many people because that makes her a slut right? Shouldn’t have a background of defending herself? Shouldn’t have been on so many dates? Shouldn’t have, Couldn’t have, Wouldn’t have. I don’t give a shit. You weren’t me. It’s all I could think in my mind as I sat and poured myself out to someone that wasn’t there to truly get to know me and listen to me. I know love. I know good men. I know men that have treated me with the utmost respect. They sat and listened to me. They weren’t using my pain that I had already been through to break me down even further than I already was. Did he really think that I was going to sit there everyday and not recall what I had been through when I looked at myself in the mirror and did my makeup? I saw all the pain. TWICE. As a twin-less pain I deal with twice the amount of pain and I have no control over much of what happens from there. I know it is so hard to wake up. So hard to put on my makeup. So hard to eat. The longer the years that pass the bigger the hole gets.

It’s something that hadn’t hit me in a while. I think I tried to push it to the back of my mind. I tried to make myself believe that I always had someone in front of me that had my best interest and would love me for me if I shared with them how I felt. If I let them in to part of my life and allowed them to see the part of me that I really though and trusted would give me freedom; I was giving my love… and essentially all of it. I didn’t get in return what I was putting out. I was not happy with that.

During my breakdown on the couch, I forgave myself for being mad at myself for going through what I needed to in order to heal. In order to realize what was important and how much I really had to live for. I was suicidal. I was impacted. I was broken. I was very much a part of who I actually was. Sitting there and crying day in and out. I was so down on myself. I was trying to hide the best parts of myself.

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Love From A Distance

Taken aback by the lack of responsiveness from such a beautiful program. I am a two to him in a world where he only sees zeros and ones. I never thought of him as artificial. His love for things much more than I played into our entire length of friendship. Although I stated the truth time and time again, I waited for a response that was never granted. I waited for emotion that would never show up. We were never Bambi and Thumper. There was never a time where I felt secure in the direction, and rightfully saddened about the navigation not pointing to me.

Elated with the idea that I was only useful to him when he wanted me was something I realized hurt me. I’d given myself time and time again to sit and ponder what it would be like. When I awoke from every wishful thought, I made a choice to step further and further away. I found myself crying myself to sleep. Punching pillows with frustration. Grinding paintbrush into canvas. It gave me chills. It gave me terrible reverence. It gave me fear. It gave me life. It taught me love from a distance.

I can love from a far. And taking into consideration the amount of love he wanted in his life had nothing to do with me giving it to him. It hurt me. It hurts me. It’s like a dagger every time I write you, bleeding my heart out and you do not hear me. But it’s therapeutic because you don’t have to hear me in order for me to heal.

I never meant for this much uninhabitable time to pass. And maybe this friendship or faux union was never meant to be. Maybe it was never really meant for me. My farewell laid to rest on blank pages, I wrote from my chest.

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I have had so much going on mentally. I have many emotions I have already worked through and many I have yet to settle. I got to writing last night, and I was actually in the middle of doing some other things. I literally had to stop what I was doing, throw a post it on my door for the kids to know ‘mom is busy. 30 minutes’ I was in a zone. I was having a moment of flow and was not about to let it pass me by. With that being said, this is an extremely heartbreaking piece. I will admit that. I was crying while I was writing it. You may have to read it more than once. But no matter what, it has so much depth to it. Because it’s real as fuck. Thank you in advance for reading it

They take. They take from me and never leave anything for anyone else. They strip me of every emotion I find compelling. They take my dignity and compare me to less. They have fun at my expense. Head down, I walked to the car. I laughed because I couldn’t believe I was here again.

I looked up at the sky like there was a sign somewhere. Was there? I always say this is my type and I should just stay away. I always bend over backwards for people who don’t even know what a tightrope is. I’m the one who goes further in a relationship because of my nurturing qualities. I walk the line. I put in the time. Now I sit here with nothing.

I got into my car and threw my purse at the passenger door in a fit of rage. No dignity, no memories, no faith, no strength, no belief in anything other than the truth. The truth that I couldn’t bring myself to realize or vocalize. Key in the ignition, I’m leaving. Why have I never been with a man like me. Someone who would pick up and jump in their car at the drop of a dime… rub my feet when I worked 16 hours… doesn’t mind what I cook… makes effort to get to know me beneath the surface…who supports me. I’m not talking financially either. My dress was so pretty. I felt like I really looked nice. He seemed so nice when we talked on the phone. Great conversation,..but his problem is not for me to figure out.

Fuck it. I punched the steering wheel. This one felt real. It felt like there was something to build on. I don’t want to go to bed alone. Reverse…maneuver…drive. Too bad I’m not running his hands over. They were allover my body telling me a different message. Rubbing my back before the pain started. It was such a sharp pain. Driving down the road I realized I was hurt…blood was on my dress. Fuck. Son of a bitch this really hurt. I pulled over and got out of the car.

The grass was wet. That much I knew. Kind of felt like a cooling mask on my skin. Lights were everywhere. People were around. That sharp pain again. “Hold still ma’am, you were stabbed.”

The men…they always stab me. My back is full of scars. I laid back on the stretcher…more lights. I turned to the side and tears formed. At least I’m alive this time.

Eyes closed.

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‘If a relationship is what you’re looking for, I’m not there and can’t provide that for you. You will have to find someone else for that’

LET LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS NEVER LEAVE YOU, BIND THEM AROUND YOUR NECK. WRITE THEM ON THE TABLET OF YOUR HEART. THEN YOU WILL WIN FAVOR AND A GOOD NAME IN THE SIGHT OF GOD AND MAN -PROVERBS 3:3-4

That’s what he said to me. I think at the time I didn’t understand fully where he was coming from. He was being honest about how he felt at the time? Or was it just that he didn’t want to be with me? I was fully convinced that the later was the case. If you asked me how did I know that I would say that it was just because I just felt like he wasn’t IT for me.

He was still caught up on his ex at the time. That much I did know. What I couldn’t figure out was why he would even think I deserved the title of standby. Why was I being punished for my longstanding loyalty to him? Conversations about the future were not inclusive of any future lasting longer than 24 hours.

Looking back on the pain I inflicted on myself every time I called him. And then I wouldn’t hear from him for days. In any other point in life I would have been done sooner. I would not have sat around waiting, hoping that someone would see the real me. There just was no hope for us. It’s amazing what happens when the heart wants something so bad, the mind sees the illogical aspects and warns; but the heart repeatedly self-inflicts pain.

He knew I wanted to be more of a friend to him. I didn’t want to be a friend with benefits or someone he called when he was bored. I wanted to be more. I felt like I could accomplish more with him. I felt like he deserved more and I could provide that to him. Growing up women who were older than me would tell me some tips about dating and men. One of the most common things I was told was that I need to allow a man to do things for me as well. That there needs to be a balance, an equilibrium. And I didn’t feel like we had that. Which should have been the first sign of a problem. He didn’t think about me as much as I thought about him. He was not interested in doing as much for me as I was for him. And there was no proof of his interest.

My mindset at the time was wrong. A simple comparison to previous, committed, healthy relationships in the past should have woken me up. But I stayed asleep in this coma for years. God forgive me. For I had no idea of the damage I was going to cause to my psyche by continuing to love someone who didn’t and couldn’t love me.

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Dead Sands Poem

Lines of lies in treasured veils

Tall proportions weighed on a misogynistic scale

Bludgeoned with expectations of poise and composure

Slapped with scolding memos of ways to scold her

Hedonistic values with tokens of false appreciation

Thunderstorms of differences without hesitation

Share resources of conflict inflicted instead

Now realizing all the while, the love once there is now dead

-El’Aundra

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Welcome Back

I sat in thought about ‘being lost’ today. I pondered the idea of there being an epiphany that accompanies finding yourself. Do you just look in the mirror and say ‘Here I am!’. Do you finally realize who or what you are and you suddenly have answers from there on? Well, regardless of the many ourcomes and epiphanies I have had in the last few months, more than one truth stands firm. Sometimes it’s just therapeutic and helpful to take time to get to know YOU. Know what you want and what you need. I was blessed to have had the time to do that a lot within the past year. And with new knolwedge, outlooks and feelings; I look back with admiration because of what it took to get here. Hello to all of you. It feels great to be back in the loop

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Try, try again

Always challenging my thinking, I like to adhere to standards create growth. This year was frantic. Felt rushed. Felt like you were standing in line, not quite knowing what it is that you are standing in line for. You know it is something. But the fact that you are unable to see anything that is going on makes it harder for you to move in your day to day life.

You get stressed. Worried. Anxious. Panicked. It’s a toll in itself. It is not something for the faint of heart. You truly have no idea what’s next. Either because you have not been shown the way, lost it or cannot find it. No matter the circumstance, you are here. Here in the pile of abundance of frantic humans just like you.

They are baiting you. Waiting for you to reach that downfall just so that they may create a fear in you to end it completely. End the fight. End your life. That’s what they seek. What they live for. What they want. They themselves must assume a position of power over another (either a weak adult, or child) so that they may inflict pain. Have you met them yet? I am positive they showed their asses in 2020, didn’t they? I bet there were people you never thought would be the way that they were. So insecure. So annoying. So ignorant. So pressured.

Now we have approached the end of the year and you should have been able to search back through the past months and see what exactly is the issue. What do you think happens when you are attempting to desecrate someone? Violate another human? I thought about this in the shower this morning…how you treat another person speaks volumes about how you are as a person. What you do does matter, but nobody wants a diamond ring from a narcissistic, insecure person. There just isn’t enough glue there. There isn’t enough glue with any of those people. Which is why they never stuck in my life. They never stayed. They were weak.

Strength is so many things to me. It is the ability to sit in the face of adversity and maintain. Nobody is saying that you have to balance something on your head that’s called “maintaining”… it is just so important to ask for help when you need it. Lean on those whom you can count on. Be a better version of yourself than you were the day before. It also is not up to another person who doesn’t have your best interest at heart to point out what you are doing “wrong.” They are not here for you. That much is clear. Maintaining is going through life and moving in a way that allows you to learn from your mistakes or things done to you. I love to hear from people how they don’t associate with people who go through problems in life. Good. Don’t associate with me. No funeral, I won’t hold you.

If you truly feel you have something to do with someone’s life path so much as to say that you judge and condemn them for the struggles present in their life; you aren’t who you think you are. You are anything but great. They aren’t you. You aren’t them. Why does it matter. Are they asking you for help constantly? Are you enabling them? What are you gaining by judging them? Are you getting aroused? These are valid questions. You must enjoy seeing others in pain if you can say that statement. Otherwise you would have compassion, be kind and steadfast that you can influence a positive change but instead just choose to be a negative asshole. Minding your own business is a good start.

And amongst all of this going on in 2020, I am still here. Still standing. Ready to fight. Ready to understand on a deeper level who you are as a person. There are empathetic souls in this world that attract Luciferian type energy. They are so draining. Nothing that comes from them is pure. They are always a feeling of hatred or lying in your presence. You can feel their disdain and displeasure with you. No matter how much they say they care or they love. Never-mind that. Because in their mind, it’s all about them.

I want you to understand something. This year has to teach you something about yourself that you never knew. And that hits both sides of the coin. Dark and Light. Good and Evil. When someone sends you hatred, you take that in. It is then up to you if you want to make that your reality or not. Just because they say it to you doesn’t make it true; you don’t have to make it a reality. Do not give it life. That is where I have fucked up all these years. Giving life to opinions of others. Giving life to fucks that should have never been given.

My Mantra DAILY:

Do not allow yourself to complete someone else’s dream. You are not here for them. You are something without them. You are anything without them. You are everything with yourself. All is but an addition if it not be your children. You are magnificent. You are regal. You are unattainable due to lack of strength in them. You are precisely abundant in faith. Abundant in joy. Abundant in love. Abundant in life. You are something special without them too, just know you can be better. And being better takes time. It takes willingness to see the side of yourself that has fallen. It is they who have deceived you into thinking you cannot get up. You can get up. You will get up. You are quintessence.

And on we move. Let’s not even consider it a breath of air that we need to be in the same space with.

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The Drive Home

Surreal is how I choose to explain what happened. It was like something out of a movie. You meet someone and just have this crazy, insane connection with them. But they don’t realize who/what you are…or do they? Do they know what you’re worth and that scares them? Makes them search for simpler. Do they not know what you’re worth and that scares them?

He called me and asked me to come over and chill. It was a whole day we spent together.

I expected it to be one thing; and it wound up being another.

I have found myself sitting and wondering why someone just up and leaves me. What the fuck is wrong with you? I just shake my head. Even as I type this; I just get so disgusted with these mf’s. What made them do so? I’m bold enough to ask, so I did. “What is your problem? Now you’re acting weird.”

What weird wound up being is so confusing to me. What confuses is how you have a connection like that…vibe like that with someone and just disappear. I sat for a little bit after a week or so had passed and thought to myself that maybe this was Karma-related in nature. Maybe I should revisit whether or not that has been done by me, to someone who may not have deserved it at the time.

I know I have. And I didn’t take it personal. I just backed off. I stopped wondering what he was doing. Stopped wondering when the next time was that I would see him. I just began the ever-so-common task of hardening my heart a little bit. Just leaving that alone. It was bad enough when I walked out that night because of how I thought he was acting, he didn’t ever bother calling. No “Hey, did you get home safe?”

FOR THAT WHICH THERE IS NO ANSWER, I WILL NOT MAKE MYSELF SUFFER. -EL’AUNDRA

What was different about this one was that I actually cried. That shit actually hurt. I know it wasn’t the fact that I had drank so much that day in general; and was really tired. It was just that I was stunned. I didn’t know how to react. And the truth is that sometimes we are in certain situations and we don’t know how to react to them. But I feel like there could have been more effort on his part. There was none.

As I stated to myself “Don’t take it personal.” I moved on from it. It still crosses my mind from time to time. Wanting to apologize for storming out but at the same time calling him a coward. An ass. Ass I don’t have time for.

When will they understand that it’s all about transparency with a certain type. When it comes to me, just tell me what the fuck is going on. Because if I find out on my own and aren’t with the shits…IT’S A FUCKING PROBLEM. And you are an asshole for how you acted.

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Toxicity won’t win

Have you ever been around anyone, and they are so negative that when you finally get away from them; you are shocked at how much better you feel and perform. It is not without angst when you let someone you love go because they are just too toxic for you. The guilt that some people feel is what brings them back to interacting with this person that they have deemed as toxic to them.

Unfortunately, it’s not like the other toxic things in the world. When you reach for the bleach, there are warnings all over it.; so you adhere to those warnings. When you begin dating someone, there aren’t warnings all over them unless you are witty enough to notice them. It’s hard at times to recognize the people that are truly toxic.

STAYING DISCONNECTED FROM TOXIC PEOPLE IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF SPIRITUAL AND MENTAL GROWTH. STRENGTHENING YOUR AURA TO DEFLECT THEM IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

I remember thinking about how much I truly didn’t understand the toxicity in my own life at times when I needed that understanding the most. I was always told that by being such a kind, genuine and sweet spirit would mean I needed to protects myself more. There are people out there who seek to destroy those qualities like that.

I knew that the control factor of things is what made me initially so unwilling to continue devoting myself to a relationship I felt so small in. Where does control fit into a relationship? How much of it do you need? And more importantly who has the control; and if one person has more than the other. Let’s say the later is true; the toxic will overpower the non-toxic. That’s why in so many cases, the non-toxic people don’t leave the relationship. They continue to stay and suffer in the process.

I THOUGHT I WAS STRONGER THAN THAT.

Narcissistic and toxic men have a way that controlling us women that makes us feel like that is the only person who will ever love us. Because that is itself is control. THEY want to be the only person that does anything for you. And then they can come back and critique what they think is wrong. The fact that it then creates an atmosphere inside you where feel inadequate and essentially worthless. Now that you are down on the level they want you to be on; it’s time to bandage the wound… How that materializes is they apologize and ‘win you back.’ They do win if you let them. But you can’t think of your heart or soul as something to be won in a game so unfair and detrimental to you. Fighting back and gaining the strength to do so was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I think of it like I had to rewire my brain to manifest love inside of me and for myself that had been buried deep within my for so long. I started writing and once I saw what I was writing I was done. For some reason. it wasn’t until I wrote down all that I had been through that I realized the damage that had been done to me. After that, I began living for me. All of the weight both physically and mentally fell off. Not only did I shed 150 pounds from my own physical self, the weight I shed from my mind was far greater and more important than any pound I had lost. Anyone can make with through, but it is not without warning. You will find yourself through the massive amounts of tears for loving yourself more. Don’t feel guilty. It’s all about you.

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