I think now I know that when it’s night time and the house is quiet, I have time to think. Time to reflect. Time to look within. Time to pray. The numbers 2020 came to mind… Then 2005… Then my mother. Then it hit me. 15 years have passed. 15 long, arduous, lonely, ever-changing years. And I sat here saying to myself ‘I can’t do this tonight. I can’t cry right now.’
A voice said ‘Yes you can Lonnie. You have to.’ There are only a few people who refer to me as that and she was a part of the beginning of that name.
‘I don’t want to cry all night.’ I said, seemingly to myself again.
‘I know.’ came the voice again.
So I did what felt most natural and let it rain down my face. I couldn’t help it and a part of me didn’t want to. It was not long after my fall from a 3rd story window as a 2 year old; that I told her I had lost my smiles. By that time in life I had lost a part of me too. My identical twin.
Her guide through that part of my life imprinted her in my heart for infinity. I had to forgive her absence in my present life. It is something that I revel in them when they come to me… Her memory… Her smell… Her smile.
So I prayed. Bring me closer to the life she saw in me when she pulled in that driveway in Cuba New York only to see her first grandchild laying on the cement on Main Street in August 1989. Bring me closer to a sense of peace with this life I must life now, in the truth of being a woman who experienced a Traumatic Brain Injury, and broken deformed limbs. Peace with the fact that I have lived without her 15 years and I have many more to go.
So I channel the inner her in me. I bring glorious gratitude to the kindness she bestowed on me. I thank God for giving her to me. And I hope that she has Nadia in her arms in Heaven. Amen