Monthly Archives:December 2012

Journal

Conforming to Thoughts

I spent a good majority of my life conforming to what others thought of me. It was never sincerely what I really wanted to do. My mom always had a very innate ability to sing better than Prince on any day. But when it came to me humming along to the tune in the car while we were driving somewhere, it never conquered. And when she told me that I had a beautiful voice, it quickly slithered in one ear and out the other. But with the most apparent thoughts at hand, I was able to continue agreeing that there was a talent that I possessed. I just wasn’t sure if singing was it. When it came to art projects in school that were given as fun for others, I took them seriously. And I took them home. Although I understand that every parent wants to keep every picture that their kid draws, I felt good to give my mom the pictures that I spent 45 minutes drawing. And she tried to stick with the ownership of the pictures as long as she possibly could. But the reality of the situation is that it just wasn’t possible for her to keep each and every picture that I drew her. But I know she saw them, and to me that was enough. She began to understand just how talented I really was. And just how far this talent could take me. Should I accept the challenge to pursue this. I remember having conversations with my mom about what I wanted to do for college, and what I wanted to be. It was apparent to me that I had no truly clear idea. But I knew that art would somehow be included in my life. And even if we get separated, and we come back to each other; art and I had a real love. And it was a true, rockhard love. But as I sat in that chair and explained to my mother that art wasn’t really something that I wanted to pursue as a career at the moment because I felt like there wasn’t enough money in the profession. Which isn’t entirely true. But far be it from me to dig deeper into the solution at that point.

My mother nodded her head. She understood where I was coming from. Even as a senior in high school, I hadn’t figured out what I wanted to do. And as life continued unravel for me, I knew I would be closer to discovering that. Even after having my daughter I still wasn’t sure what was meant for me. Walking down that road we call uncertainty, I just wanted to know more and more about myself. I wanted to know what was out there for me to make my mark. What is it it that’s going to give me that wholesome fulfilling sensation that what I’m doing is a perfect fit for me and my life? And so I knocked on more than one door, with each one returning circumstances that were less than expected. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted to do when I hit the blogging world. Even as I consumed myself in my website and the mainstream media frenzy over blogging; I knew there was more that I wanted to do. There was more that I wanted to conquer. And so I would often ask myself what can you possibly conquer out in the world if you can’t conquer yourself? And the thing is that I hadn’t even begun to figure out who I was. With more than one person allowing me to have their full support; I knew it wouldn’t be long before I figured out my life. But was that enough? Was it enough that even with a short army behind me, I would still have to find out about ME? I wouldn’t be able to only look at myself through their eyes. I would have to look at myself. I would have to look at every single part of me and discover the reasons for why I am the way that I am. A self discovery like this came at a hard time because of other things that I had going on in my life. But it only allowed me to sustain more discipline when it came to me needing myself to depend on. Many lessons were learned as a result of this journey. The main lesson that I learned is that it is very important for me to keep a belief in myself. A belief in myself that is stronger than any belief that someone else could have in me. But this has been the hardest thing for me to learn. All because of what I have been through. How can you love yourself completely if you blame yourself for some things that go wrong in your life? And where do you start? 

I began to stop looking at myself in such a negative manner. It was disrespectful to myself to keep living a lie. I am not as out of shape as I think I am. The flaws that I don’t like are things that I need to be proud of. Things that I need to sit down and embrace. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself all those affirmations that would make me feel like I was important. I felt fine with insulting myself on the regular, and pointing out flaws about myself that were really nothing to be ashamed of in the first place. But I thought that because I was comparing myself to other people, that they were flaws that were real. And that they were flaws that I needed to correct to feel better about myself. But little did I know that I needed to solve the root of the problem. And the problem was that I was comparing myself to other people and allowing how they look/feel/act to dictate my life and what I think about me. Instead of building me up and giving me confidence, it was breaking my spirit. I am fine with who and what I am. And I am coming into that discovery now. But it’s something that I definitely wish I had taken the time to find out earlier in life. Whenever you think you aren’t worthy of something, or there are things you don’t like about yourself or doubt yourself or anything that you do, think about what this is doing to yourself. Think about it as a garden that you are constantly subjecting to harsh weather conditions. If it is constantly snowing and raining and hailing on this garden, whatever is being grown in the garden is going to be ruined. Thus is the same for us. If we’re constantly subject ourselves to “harsh conditions”, then we will not be able to blossom and grow into beautiful beings. We need water, nutrition, and light. Though I could sit here and name many different metaphors that you can use for this scenario; it’s better that you use what you have been through and what your situation is at this moment to create the meaning.

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