As A Black Woman

“Many said they were in my corner, they actually weren’t. They were in it for their own benefit. ”

el’aundra

I have had issues with relationships. I remember an ex would tell me not to take things to heart and that I needed to change everything about me because it wasn’t good enough. He didn’t like the way my hair was. He liked a certain hairstyle.

I have had issues with friends. A friend that I thought was a friend accused me of something that is completely out of my character. I know who I am , and am comfortable in that fact. There was absolutely no reason for the insane accusation, but toxicity doesn’t discriminate.

I’ve had issues with opinions placed on me I met one who would tell me not to swear so much. I do not subscribe to the old idea that women should not swear. In a work place I understand the need for professionalism. But here is how I feel; if you are in the comfort of your own home (which I was) and want to yell “fuck”… then fucking do it.

There was no freedom in who I was as a person and who I wanted to be. And that was evident by how those were around me were treating me because of how I felt about myself. I felt the magnitude of this issue when I went to work, school, social events, family gatherings, etc.

A problem we have is our lack to empathize with other people. The fact that we are too expecting of them to change instead of taking them as they are. I mean, we can absolutely desire growth in people. But it’s incredibly counterproductive to attempt to change the framework of someone. People are not computers.

Do not try to change something about someone that in nature isn’t threatening to you. Do not try to change something about someone to accommodate you. Do not change the things about that person that make them who they are. If someone doesn’t suit me, it’s ok. I will keep the shit moving because I am in no position to lose sleep over how someone else feels or doesn’t feel about me. 

I love metaphors…hear me out.

Imagine yourself walking through a path we will call life, and how you treat/feel about yourself determines how ‘sticky’ your skin is. In other words, if you have low self esteem, your body is covered in stickiness because everything you encounter is going to stick to you. Why? Because of how you feel about yourself. On the other side, if you have a high self esteem, your body isn’t sticky at all. You might encounter one or two feathers along the way that stick to you.. but for the most part nothing sticks to you. Your “layer” gets thicker because of the feathers. Each and every feather that is on you is masking what’s underneath… the true you. Every feather represents someone else’s opinion about you. And if you know anything about feathers (thankfully I do lol); every single feather is not like another. The same is true for each person’s perspective, thoughts of you and what they say about you based on that information. So what do you do? If you had to pick each feather off of your body one by one, that would take a lot of time right? It would even take a bit of self discovery for you to get the courage to get rid of the feathers weighing you down, but eventually you would realize how much other people and their thoughts and opinions don’t fucking matter. Eventually a ‘weight’ would be lifted off of you.

Stop letting other people who feel like shit about themselves bring you down. It’s not fair to me to sit down and take someone else’s shit just because they think I deserve it. There isn’t a reason in this world that we cant say no to allowing those feathers stick to us. I realized it is important for me to understand that my love for myself takes over the love someone else has for my. The science behind that is really about loving yourself and letting that radiate. Everything else will follow. 

Don’t be afraid to be yourself.