Monthly Archives:September 2022

Journal

Try, try again

Always challenging my thinking, I like to adhere to standards create growth. This year was frantic. Felt rushed. Felt like you were standing in line, not quite knowing what it is that you are standing in line for. You know it is something. But the fact that you are unable to see anything that is going on makes it harder for you to move in your day to day life.

You get stressed. Worried. Anxious. Panicked. It’s a toll in itself. It is not something for the faint of heart. You truly have no idea what’s next. Either because you have not been shown the way, lost it or cannot find it. No matter the circumstance, you are here. Here in the pile of abundance of frantic humans just like you.

They are baiting you. Waiting for you to reach that downfall just so that they may create a fear in you to end it completely. End the fight. End your life. That’s what they seek. What they live for. What they want. They themselves must assume a position of power over another (either a weak adult, or child) so that they may inflict pain. Have you met them yet? I am positive they showed their asses in 2020, didn’t they? I bet there were people you never thought would be the way that they were. So insecure. So annoying. So ignorant. So pressured.

Now we have approached the end of the year and you should have been able to search back through the past months and see what exactly is the issue. What do you think happens when you are attempting to desecrate someone? Violate another human? I thought about this in the shower this morning…how you treat another person speaks volumes about how you are as a person. What you do does matter, but nobody wants a diamond ring from a narcissistic, insecure person. There just isn’t enough glue there. There isn’t enough glue with any of those people. Which is why they never stuck in my life. They never stayed. They were weak.

Strength is so many things to me. It is the ability to sit in the face of adversity and maintain. Nobody is saying that you have to balance something on your head that’s called “maintaining”… it is just so important to ask for help when you need it. Lean on those whom you can count on. Be a better version of yourself than you were the day before. It also is not up to another person who doesn’t have your best interest at heart to point out what you are doing “wrong.” They are not here for you. That much is clear. Maintaining is going through life and moving in a way that allows you to learn from your mistakes or things done to you. I love to hear from people how they don’t associate with people who go through problems in life. Good. Don’t associate with me. No funeral, I won’t hold you.

If you truly feel you have something to do with someone’s life path so much as to say that you judge and condemn them for the struggles present in their life; you aren’t who you think you are. You are anything but great. They aren’t you. You aren’t them. Why does it matter. Are they asking you for help constantly? Are you enabling them? What are you gaining by judging them? Are you getting aroused? These are valid questions. You must enjoy seeing others in pain if you can say that statement. Otherwise you would have compassion, be kind and steadfast that you can influence a positive change but instead just choose to be a negative asshole. Minding your own business is a good start.

And amongst all of this going on in 2020, I am still here. Still standing. Ready to fight. Ready to understand on a deeper level who you are as a person. There are empathetic souls in this world that attract Luciferian type energy. They are so draining. Nothing that comes from them is pure. They are always a feeling of hatred or lying in your presence. You can feel their disdain and displeasure with you. No matter how much they say they care or they love. Never-mind that. Because in their mind, it’s all about them.

I want you to understand something. This year has to teach you something about yourself that you never knew. And that hits both sides of the coin. Dark and Light. Good and Evil. When someone sends you hatred, you take that in. It is then up to you if you want to make that your reality or not. Just because they say it to you doesn’t make it true; you don’t have to make it a reality. Do not give it life. That is where I have fucked up all these years. Giving life to opinions of others. Giving life to fucks that should have never been given.

My Mantra DAILY:

Do not allow yourself to complete someone else’s dream. You are not here for them. You are something without them. You are anything without them. You are everything with yourself. All is but an addition if it not be your children. You are magnificent. You are regal. You are unattainable due to lack of strength in them. You are precisely abundant in faith. Abundant in joy. Abundant in love. Abundant in life. You are something special without them too, just know you can be better. And being better takes time. It takes willingness to see the side of yourself that has fallen. It is they who have deceived you into thinking you cannot get up. You can get up. You will get up. You are quintessence.

And on we move. Let’s not even consider it a breath of air that we need to be in the same space with.

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The Drive Home

Surreal is how I choose to explain what happened. It was like something out of a movie. You meet someone and just have this crazy, insane connection with them. But they don’t realize who/what you are…or do they? Do they know what you’re worth and that scares them? Makes them search for simpler. Do they not know what you’re worth and that scares them?

He called me and asked me to come over and chill. It was a whole day we spent together.

I expected it to be one thing; and it wound up being another.

I have found myself sitting and wondering why someone just up and leaves me. What the fuck is wrong with you? I just shake my head. Even as I type this; I just get so disgusted with these mf’s. What made them do so? I’m bold enough to ask, so I did. “What is your problem? Now you’re acting weird.”

What weird wound up being is so confusing to me. What confuses is how you have a connection like that…vibe like that with someone and just disappear. I sat for a little bit after a week or so had passed and thought to myself that maybe this was Karma-related in nature. Maybe I should revisit whether or not that has been done by me, to someone who may not have deserved it at the time.

I know I have. And I didn’t take it personal. I just backed off. I stopped wondering what he was doing. Stopped wondering when the next time was that I would see him. I just began the ever-so-common task of hardening my heart a little bit. Just leaving that alone. It was bad enough when I walked out that night because of how I thought he was acting, he didn’t ever bother calling. No “Hey, did you get home safe?”

FOR THAT WHICH THERE IS NO ANSWER, I WILL NOT MAKE MYSELF SUFFER. -EL’AUNDRA

What was different about this one was that I actually cried. That shit actually hurt. I know it wasn’t the fact that I had drank so much that day in general; and was really tired. It was just that I was stunned. I didn’t know how to react. And the truth is that sometimes we are in certain situations and we don’t know how to react to them. But I feel like there could have been more effort on his part. There was none.

As I stated to myself “Don’t take it personal.” I moved on from it. It still crosses my mind from time to time. Wanting to apologize for storming out but at the same time calling him a coward. An ass. Ass I don’t have time for.

When will they understand that it’s all about transparency with a certain type. When it comes to me, just tell me what the fuck is going on. Because if I find out on my own and aren’t with the shits…IT’S A FUCKING PROBLEM. And you are an asshole for how you acted.

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Toxicity won’t win

Have you ever been around anyone, and they are so negative that when you finally get away from them; you are shocked at how much better you feel and perform. It is not without angst when you let someone you love go because they are just too toxic for you. The guilt that some people feel is what brings them back to interacting with this person that they have deemed as toxic to them.

Unfortunately, it’s not like the other toxic things in the world. When you reach for the bleach, there are warnings all over it.; so you adhere to those warnings. When you begin dating someone, there aren’t warnings all over them unless you are witty enough to notice them. It’s hard at times to recognize the people that are truly toxic.

STAYING DISCONNECTED FROM TOXIC PEOPLE IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF SPIRITUAL AND MENTAL GROWTH. STRENGTHENING YOUR AURA TO DEFLECT THEM IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

I remember thinking about how much I truly didn’t understand the toxicity in my own life at times when I needed that understanding the most. I was always told that by being such a kind, genuine and sweet spirit would mean I needed to protects myself more. There are people out there who seek to destroy those qualities like that.

I knew that the control factor of things is what made me initially so unwilling to continue devoting myself to a relationship I felt so small in. Where does control fit into a relationship? How much of it do you need? And more importantly who has the control; and if one person has more than the other. Let’s say the later is true; the toxic will overpower the non-toxic. That’s why in so many cases, the non-toxic people don’t leave the relationship. They continue to stay and suffer in the process.

I THOUGHT I WAS STRONGER THAN THAT.

Narcissistic and toxic men have a way that controlling us women that makes us feel like that is the only person who will ever love us. Because that is itself is control. THEY want to be the only person that does anything for you. And then they can come back and critique what they think is wrong. The fact that it then creates an atmosphere inside you where feel inadequate and essentially worthless. Now that you are down on the level they want you to be on; it’s time to bandage the wound… How that materializes is they apologize and ‘win you back.’ They do win if you let them. But you can’t think of your heart or soul as something to be won in a game so unfair and detrimental to you. Fighting back and gaining the strength to do so was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I think of it like I had to rewire my brain to manifest love inside of me and for myself that had been buried deep within my for so long. I started writing and once I saw what I was writing I was done. For some reason. it wasn’t until I wrote down all that I had been through that I realized the damage that had been done to me. After that, I began living for me. All of the weight both physically and mentally fell off. Not only did I shed 150 pounds from my own physical self, the weight I shed from my mind was far greater and more important than any pound I had lost. Anyone can make with through, but it is not without warning. You will find yourself through the massive amounts of tears for loving yourself more. Don’t feel guilty. It’s all about you.

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Unrequited Love

When there’s reciprocation, it’s called requited love. Requited love is a love that is returned. Unrequited would mean the contrary.

I had to look at this situation I had found myself in, with open eyes. I wasn’t really going to benefit by going deeper within myself while still blaming myself for the current circumstance I was in. I needed to appreciate how and why I had gotten here in the first place. I think that was really the first step to escaping this type of love that I felt.

The way I wanted him to love me was not returned how I wanted. It wasn’t mutual. That made it unrequited. No matter how many times I fantasized about us being together one day, it wasn’t a reality at the time. And it didn’t even honestly seem like something he wanted from me in the future.

I was left asking myself so many question afterwards.

I often think that I went through that to teach me how to recognize signs of someone with genuine interest. To be able to contrast versus no interest. But none of that mattered in the moment.

It seemed like he was perfect for me. We bonded over poetry. That was really the topic of our first date. That was the theme that night downtown. Although its been years since we met, the memories are still fresh in my mind. The feeling is still fresh in me. I still get butterflies when I think about him.

Ancient, distant, cold, unrequited love. And I fell hard…deep…slow. Which only made the pain so much more. It was the difference between being cut with a serrated knife versus a straight blade. The blade was dragging in my skin. I can see the flesh underneath. But it was like I didn’t care. If you imagined his “No, I’m not ready” being the knife; I kept going back to that feeling of love for him. Only to be cut open with the truth.

Most people back away from things that inflict pain on them. And he was in no way to blame. He was so honest with me. Told me what it was and I should have accepted it. The stronger, more level-headed me says that the vulnerable, disarrayed me was infatuated with his presence. Infatuated with his commitment to friendship with me. Infatuated with him.

I think infatuation can be both beneficial and beautiful when it’s mutual and I have had it be mutual. But we cannot choose who we fall in love with sometimes. I have been fortunate to have many loves in my lifetime. And they each came with their own lessons.

The lesson I learned form loving him and not receiving it in return is that my love is deep. And that can be something that someone knows, but whether the respect it is up to them. By my remaining true to myself and how I felt, I opened the door for him to be true and honest with me about how he felt for me.

So for that lesson alone, I am forever grateful.

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I have found myself thinking about how many times I have chased love. How many times I have given love and not received it back; which is called ‘Unrequited Love’ (Read about my experience with it in my previous post. It was deep. It was extremely painful.

ABOVE ALL ELSE, GUARD YOUR HEART, FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO FLOWS FROM IT.

PROVERBS 4:23

And each time made me stronger. Because it wasn’t just once that I dealt with it. And I was just thinking the other day that I am feeling stronger. Because it wasn’t just once that I deal with it. And I was just thinking the other day that I am feeling stronger than ever now. I am able to think a little bit clearer and see things in a whole new light. Inspiration is around me everywhere.

Every time I think about lesson I have learned from past experiences, I think about what feelings I associated with this person and why. What is/was their motive, if any? What are/were the things about them that are/were making me feel this way? The preliminary questions are a conversation in my head. And the reason is because I believe past experiences prepare us for the future.

There is a period in life where you go through dating and relationships without truly thinking about it. Without taking time to think about them as a person, or their past, how you communicate, what your interests are; in depth. And most importantly, how similar are you? I think about these things more often now and then I act on what I think is best at the time. And because of the something I saw in them, there have been times that I have just ghosted. Gone. There are times that I have pushed men away. I have given them a reason to leave. And those time it had to do with my insecurities and my ego. But the same has been done to me.

Shame is a blanket that we dare to wear frequently when we have gone through a heartbreak. I don’t think that’s healthy. Your season with that person is over. If you make it as simple as that for yourself, you begin to embrace the departure as growth in your life. Instead of treating it like it’s your enemy who’s out to harm you. It’s like we feel like we no longer have the option to truly go to the depths of the problem and see a way out. You have to take the time to go to the depths of the issues and figure out what is causing them, or the continuance thereof.

But when we are practicing self love we are giving into something greater for our souls. But you do know that loss creates strength right?

I have lost love. Many and many times again. I have been through that from both sides of the spectrum. I have been the person who has loved someone, made a mistake and lost them forever. I have also been in the position where they made a mistake and lost me forever.

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For a while it was like a constant battle with him. And when I say constant, I mean the shit. It seemed like there were so many conversations that had him ready to throw the towel in just much as I.

I proceeded to walk through the house. Angry as fuck. I didn’t give a shit what he said. What he said was wrong. There was no need to take it there. I can’t stand people who feel like they need to bring hateful words to a sensible conversation. All that does is make me flip the switch.

I was yelling at him back and telling him all the while to keep his mouth off me. I don’t walk in the door with guns blazing unless I feel threatened. But once that feeling of being threatened hit it’s like the gun has been there the whole time. I just had to ‘pull it out’.

“If you don’t keep your fucking mouth of me, I will have 5 generations back of women regretting you were even a thought. I would stop while you’re ahead. Telling someone the deepest, darkest secrets inside yourself doesn’t mean that you are giving them permission to turn around and use that information against you in an unfair pretense.” My whole mood: “I didn’t come at you like that, so don’t come for me.”

He stood there. Looking just as stupid as he did when he opened his mouth.

And for anyone who has been in situations like this, you know how badly you want to retreat into yourself when it’s just hit that point. See, I know in my mind it’s best to just walk away at a certain point. I cannot stand there and argue, fight etc because it will turn into a huge ordeal that is not all that necessary most times. In truth, there is a small part of us that wants to fight, right? I box people in my brain all day. And I’m pretty good in person; so if you don’t resonate I don’t blame you. And is there yet another part of you that wants to be just left alone? I feel you on that. See, sometimes there are people that antagonize for seemingly no reason at all other than to stroke their ego and themselves feel better. Narcissist. Gas-lighters.

Seemingly enough, his ego negated anything positive that his mouth said to me. Intensified conversations with The Creator. The heights of tension reached with just a look my way. Ready for war.

Far from worthless, far from stupid, far from inherently not qualified to be here; or so he would say. As if he sat one day and decided who should be here and who shouldn’t. I told him all the time he’s not God. I know God.

‘God is standing right next to me. And he won’t leave the room when I slap you across galaxies for talking shit to me.’ I said.

Silence.

There is a fashion of addressing someone that exemplifies respect for them as a human being and doesn’t degrade them within the first two sentences. I remember I used to think: ‘Once I leave him and heal myself I will find someone who won’t do this. Won’t talk to me like this. My father would never allow this. My uncle would be so ashamed. My mother would be so hurt. Not only will they know how much it hurts me, they know they’re going to get hurt as a result.’

I couldn’t make sense of anything other than what was right in front of me for so long. Seeing day in, and day out that the excitement of being with that person can wither away. I had so much hopes for us. I hate to think about the woman I was. Brings me to tears every time. It was just a really dark, low place for me. I have been blessed in life to know love. I have cheated on love. I have disregarded love. But this shit wasn’t love. And sure enough, it was a sickness I had to get away from in order to find the cure. When someone does you wrong, let it make you strong.

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I firmly believe the universe will show us signs that something isn’t right. Showing us signs repeatedly that something needs to be corrected. There has been more than one instance where I called upon the help of the Universe to discern the safety of situation. I would stay still and just listen to the answers. There are times I have had to seclude myself from others just to get the clarity I needed.

INTUITION IS SEEING WITH THE SOUL.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

  • Have you ever had unwanted circumstances or events warn you that you are headed in a bad direction? You feel a really bad feeling. Your thoughts, feelings and actions are moving at a low vibration. You are correct to feel that something isn’t right. So you need to assume that when your thoughts, feelings and actions are moving at a high vibration everything will happen perfectly. You will have excellent timing and good luck all day long. Consciously choose positive thoughts only. Our souls are stuck here in a physical dimension that is much denser and slower than the higher dimension.
  • We tend to focus on one topic once we have discovered the “answer”…don’t do this. You must acknowledge and move on.

WHAT I NOTICED…

  1. I started noticing I was constantly stuck in traffic, getting (what I thought were) dirty look from others, stupid little injuries. I started looking this up. I was noticing that what I was reading was all the same message…ALIGN YOURSELF. CENTER YOURSELF.
  2. A common mistake that I would make is that I would see these signs and just continue my “work. I would stop focusing on centering myself and move on. Instead of stopping and focusing. I don’t know what I was expecting. I think I was wanting it to be something where I acknowledged the problem and it fixed itself. Things don’t just fix themselves. WE have to put in work. When you see these warnings signs just stop. Stop the conversation, task or though you were just having. It won’t take you anywhere. Take a minute to reflect and assess the situation.
  3. Don’t talk about, thing about it or replay in your mind. This was one of the hardest things for me! Do you know how many times I have been through a circumstance that really hurt me and wanted to replay the situation in my mind. I learned that I must do the following instead: Take it for what it is; a simple stop sign and move on from it. Take care of your vibration and your thoughts to stay in line with the soul’s natural frequency.
  4. I find myself sometimes trying to escape from my life. Something deep down would tell me I am on the wrong path. I couldn’t tell what I was running from. You know you’re on the wrong path when you’re running from yourself. And I would sometimes run from myself all the time. Living a lifestyle that isn’t serving me. Coping with frustration, heartbreak, pain, loneliness and boredom. I got tired of living a purpose that wasn’t serving me. So I would catch myself and remind myself to pay attention and stop always trying to escape from the present moment. That I should be content and happy with where you are right now. To stop running away. That I can be on the right path by starting to love what I’m doing everyday.
  5. I would have anxiety attacks. I learned that all anxiety comes from a desire to escape the present moment. I would tell myself daily, ‘Be honest with how you feel; If you aren’t ok, say it.’
  6. Times where I couldn’t focus, concentrate and highly distracted at times. Many times we are so distracted that we are living a lifestyle that is so bad and if we stay any longer we will pay. Find an environment that really wants to see you win. We get carried away and lose focus and our true calling and purpose. To get back, stay focused.
  7. I can be the queen of self-doubt sometimes. I know that is something I need to work on. I realized I can’t go through life always second guessing myself.

None of these lessons were easy to learn. And the conversations I had with myself regarding the work that needed to be done wasn’t any easier. It never is. But it’s necessary. And I hope it helps what I just shared what it means for me when I am out of alignment.

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Who I Am

I had thoughts about how my website relaunch was going to go this most recent time…But when I woke up this morning to hundreds of emails and DM’s from sponsorships and prospective clients, colleagues, classmates, strangers and friends; it confirmed that support is so important. My lack of support has kept me living in fear. And fear is the enemy. I think for so long I have been afraid of telling my story. Of even letting anyone into what or who I really am. So I prayed. Prayed that I would find the words.

Communication is something that I have always valued because I know what it is like to live without being able to communicate. By the age of 3, I had an accident where I fell from a 3rd story window in Cuba Ny and suffered a TBI, along with broken bones and losing every form of communication I had known; rendering me submissive to relearning. Art and words were my comfort. Writing and painting/drawing gave me a freedom. My grade school model was Montessori. My mother knew what she was doing because it gave me a voice.

It reaffirmed that I am a miracle. A very special miracle. To her, and the world. God knew what he was doing when he allowed me to live. Rest in peace, some aren’t as fortunate. And even though she couldn’t possibly save me from every hardship that would come my way in life, she massaged a gift I can carry for the rest of my life…a way to express myself. So I have always been attracted to music, art and writing. With me excelling at all of them.

I lost sight of my capabilities for a few years. I lost my vision and my faith. Not only my faith in myself, but my faith in God. I started realizing that the missing piece was not to be found in a man or material. None of those things can gibe me what my children, and life can give me.

All of the baggage that I had been carrying for 30 years crashed on my one day. When I was 30. I had suddenly come to a halt. There was no moving forward. There was no continuation. There was only a hole. And I had to climb out of it. Regardless of my involvement in digging it.

My perspective changed recently when I realized that I have a platform that I can take ownership of. I am sitting on my therapy. Sitting on my way out. My voice. I remember that day 11 years ago when I bought this domain, that I would start a blog that would help people. Somehow. Even just one person.

Not many people can do what I can. And even you need to tell that to yourself. Because my telling that to myself is what saved me. Because then I was able to hear God talking to me. People don’t realize that being jealous, or degrading someone for their efforts to improve their life or play on their talents/strengths is not helping. That does not help someone. And your karma just might be someone not helping YOU.

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Unraveled

I always assumed that pain was a part of life. I mean, when you go to the dentist they offer the option to numb the pain. Who really says “No thanks!! I wont take the Lidocaine today!” I tend to be hurt by the things I cannot change.

It was such a gloomy boring day for me. My mom was getting married. I remember my look on my face in the prison photo she has of all of us standing there. I was the only one without a smile. That day there wasn’t one to be found. My heart hurts when I think about why I was given this life with all of the struggles in it. And when I told people, they would always say

“Go write a book!”

As if that’s the easiest thing in the world to do. And do I have the patience to sit and do that? The answer was of course hell no at the time, but now I am looking at it differently. My grandmother died in 2005. On December 31. I am numb on Christmas Eve. She took care of my brother and I when my mother lost custody of us. But even with her, she was always on my ass about something. Always riding my ass. I mean, I just could not get a break. My brother was a kiss ass on the other hand and was treated as such. So when I turned old enough to go live with my mom I jumped. I mean, what teenager wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to go live with a parent that didn’t really keep an eye on you? This was back in the AOL Dial-Up Internet days. When chat rooms were so cool. To think that there were probably 42 year old creeps behind the screens. So I packed my things and went to go live with my mom. It felt like freedom. I guess it felt like love too. I don’t think about it now without tears coming. That was really all I wanted from that woman. Was real, honest love.

When she met her husband (to whom she is still married to), we were the first to know his credentials. Which were not impressive by any means. He was in prison for murder. Cold blooded murder. Ahhh, our stomachs were turned the fuck out. We “liked” him because we didn’t really have a choice. She kind of forced it on us. And even when we lived with her when she moved to live closer to the prison he was in, she would try and get us to go on what they like to call “trailers” (visits that prisoners can get with their families and the family stays in the “trailer”. It could be a dorm type of room too). I never went. I was scared.  She would try and ground us if we didn’t go. That shit was not flying with me.

My beauty had a jump around 17 and 18. Always got attention. Tall, long legs, yellow-boned, long hair… I had it going on. And so her husband would make some really disrespectful comments sometimes. I could never understand why. I can’t say that I was naive I just didn’t think it would happen to me. I remember one day she came and talked to me about her husband wanting her to start a “photography” business. I was always into photography. But this wasn’t the click and send to a gallery type of photography. She was talking about taking pictures of us (My sister and I). My sister was 15 at the time. I was 17. I was floored. What? What? Whatttttt???? My answer was no. Even when she tried to hook me up with another prisoner there. My answer was no. My sister has always been gifted. A kind heart for sure. Too kind. And she’s unaware of the ways of the world so her mind has always been a couple steps behind. When my mom asked her she obliged… To anything she asked. I felt the guilt. I knew what it was like to be controlled by this woman. Hell, being the oldest of 6; I knew her better than anyone. But how could she? How could she do that to her daughter?

It came time for another trailer and my mom asked my sister if she was going to go. To which she said yes. I never had good feelings about these bullshit “visits”. It later came out, when we were grown and on our own that something happened to my sister. See, to understand where the story is headed, you have to understand where it began…

My mother has an amazing voice. And the story is that she had a full scholarship to Juliard contingent on her graduating high school. She had dreams of being an Opera singer. Those dreams never became a reality because she got pregnant at 17 with me. The spiral was all downhill from there. Drugs were appealing to most people back then and she was no exception. They began to consume her life. And so she lost custody of me when I was almost 2. She never regained it from there. And I don’t believe she ever really tried. My grandmother told us at a very young age about my mother’s mental illness. With my grandmother having a degree in Psychology, it was something that she was familiar with. Schizophrenia. I remember the word being a very long one. Being a Spelling Bee champ, even I had some difficulty with it when I first tried to say it. Nana was forthcoming with the description of Schizophrenia. I remember “Multiple Personalities” being one of the key points. Her explanation for that fit my mom’s behavior to a T. Her radical ups and downs. And it seemed like she would just “switch.” The switching wasn’t discreet that’s for sure. It was very noticeable. I always felt ashamed of the way my mother would act sometimes. So ashamed… I hated going out in public with her. I hated when she would talk to us in that horrible way. It was all a mess. One thing I can say is that nothing is as it seems with that woman. She will say one thing and mean another. Which is why when she came into my room that night and said “Lonnie, I need to talk to you”, I was apprehensive. The talk surfaced and concerned a trailer that she had just gotten off of and my sister had gone on. “She wants to fuck my husband and I am not having it! That is so disgusting. She acts like a little whore. My husband wanted to try something with her but he said she was too fat for him.”

By now your mind is reeling right? You read right. “So you’re saying your husband was going to have sex with her?”

“No”, she stated with firm irritation. “She was coming onto him and he refused.” From there I just wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible. I was disgusted. I’m pretty sure I just dismissed her entirely (as usual) and went about my business.

Now, this conversation transpired over 10 years ago. But my mind put something together. I remember all the times my mom would be like “Night, I am going to bed.” and we would sneak out of the house. She was heavily medicated and on sleeping pills which would knock her the fuck out. To the point you could shake her and she wasn’t waking. So in some cases… if you have a script for a medication, you can take that medication on a trailer with you so long as it’s in the original bottle and you have the pamphlet that shows the photograph of the pill. Well… I thought to myself a couple years ago, “If she was knocked out like that when she’s sleeping how does she know her husband didn’t do anything to my sister while my mom was sleeping?” This was especially a possibility after going through what I went through with his creepiness. I always maintained a level of IDGAF when it came to her and her husband. But I didn’t believe what she said about my sister. When I asked my sister she denied it and I would just tell her that if she needed to talk then I was here.

If she needed to talk. Those few words have burned a hole in my soul ever since.

My phone number hasn’t changed in so long. Which is a good thing. Shows stability right? Not always. In this case it showed vulnerability. The phone call that I got was nowhere near the type of call I wanted. The conversation was heavy, sticky, and dark. It was him. Her husband. Let’s fast forward to the part that matters. The rest is filler and will be in another segment.  “Have you ever fantasized about someone and never been able to tell them?”

“No” I said

“Well what would you do if you did? Would you tell them?”

“Huh?” I said. I really had no fucking idea what this moron was talking about.

“Well I am the type to be blunt and tell it like it is. I’m not going to beat around the bush. I have fantasized about you ever since I met you.”

Those words were like little knives in my skin. I was 13 when he met me. T H I R T E E N.  “Don’t ever call me again. Lose my number. I don’t ever want anything to do with you.” That red button to end the call couldn’t be pressed quick enough. My heart sank. I felt violated. Alone. Ashamed.

The conversation with my mom went the way that most conversations go when girls come to their mom and say that their husband has touched, fantasized or violated them. I mean, think about it… How many stories have you heard where the mom was supportive, strong and took her daughters side and divorced the sick fuck? Hardly ever. I will never forget the words that came out of her mouth… “Well, I don’t know what he said because I wasn’t there. He said he didn’t say that and I believe my husband. He wouldn’t do something like that. Why would he be interested in you anyways?!”

Well my sentiments exactly. I felt like I lost 2000 brain cells after talking with her about this. She was so oblivious. The conversation stopped there. Forward to now, I got a phone call from her. She was asking about my kids and wondering how they were doing (pretending to care). I told her they are fine. She said “I wish I could move up there and help you but my husband said he doesn’t want to deal with any drama”

“What are you talking about drama ?”

“Well the stuff with the letter.”

“What letter? Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You know, when you wrote that letter to him.”

“Well it wasn’t a letter at all, so lets get rid of that idea. And it was when he called me and told me he has fantasized about me since he met me.”

“Well either way, he said he doesn’t want any drama. He would never come right out and say that I couldn’t move up there but I just know he doesn’t want any drama. You know? I wasn’t there to see or hear anything so I don’t know what was said.”

I couldn’t get off that phone and end that conversation soon enough. Typical response. Typical reaction

I said goodbye. I think I meant it this time. I want that word to mean something to me. And as long as I continue to allow to be treated like shit by her and her husband, “goodbye” will always be a temporary end to a conversation. I want it to be permanent.

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Marriage. I sigh as I even try and wrap my mind around the thought of it all. And with these few short words, I am already mentally exhausted.

Society has taught us so many lessons about marriage. Yes, its a piece of paper. Yes, it locks you down to someone for life. And sometimes I really question whether I want that. I think the part of me that is interested in proving to other people that I am fully capable of healthy, commited, and honest love wants to get married. But the part of me that doesn’t want to cause problems for anyone wants no parts in it. Ever. It’s been 3 years I have been with this lovely man of mine. I complain much and I am sure he does the same. But he really is lovely. They say you don’t even truly know someone till you have been with them for a couple years. That’s quite true for us. We are still learning things about ourselves even after being together for this long, having a child that’s almost 2, a blended family and more. We are still coming to the part of the relationship where WE are able to sit back and be our crazy selves.

The part of me that wants no problems craves peace. I love peace… or at least that part of me does. It’s that part of me that I am working on. As you will know if you have been following my site for any length of time and have read my work; I do not associate with my mother in the manner that many daughters do. I can’t. I. CANNOT. DO. IT. God has helped me through my resilient child-like love for this woman and time and time again I will get shot down. To just sit in a corner by myself for days drenched in self-hate, pity and despair. The only corner that I crawl into though is the part of my life that I have worked hard enough to iron out. And by bringing my self-hate drenched self to that corner of my life, I basically shit on everything that was quiet and peaceful. Only to start the healing process all over again. I AM OK.  I am more than enough for my children. And I am more than enough for my boyfriend. Why is it that I am not feeling like I am enough for me?

Unfortunately that is how the ailing perils of time work.

She won’t come to my wedding, if I ever do get married. And neither will her husband. I want my white roses in my bouquet to mean something. And the book definition is peace… innocence…purity…sympathy…spirituality. All of the things you are trying to encompass on your day. Peace in knowing that you are connecting and solidifying a bond between you and the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Innocence in knowing that this is a new experience for you with this person, at this time, this place, etc. You see where I’m going with this right?

I have figured that with her at something that would mean so much to me such as a wedding, I couldn’t enjoy the meanings of the white roses that I love so much. It would be devastating to me. The meaning of a white rose would be everything to me. And she isn’t… everything to me or the meaning of a white rose. Love is. Everything to me and the meaning of a white rose.

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