The Way I Feel

I had given it so much thought.
– El’Aundra Dolce –

So much of what I am is strong. I think given my complacent nature about many other things, and so amped up about what I’m strong about handling actually balances out. I can sit here and lie telling myself I am weak and I need to go harder, cry longer, and dig deeper. Because at the end of the day I am not built like any other woman that I have met. And other people know that and use it against me by betraying me in more ways than one. Because they know I am innocent. I am innocent of greed that calculates into negative. I am innocent of lustful attractions towards those who mistreat me. I am not completely sure it’s natural for people to say that to themselves. But for me it just comes naturally. I am sitting in a bed in a woman’s shelter. I have taken weeks and turned them into progress. I am moving into an apartment that will be considered my place of movement. The fact that I am able to sit and remain calculated in the bigger picture further proves my point.

There was a period in time recently where I didn’t have a cell phone and instead of being angry I was focusing in. I am still not getting my own personal life right if I am without a phone due to the people I am around the most. 

I couldn’t believe the girl that I thought was cool enough to leave alone around some of my most prize possessions would steal something from me. It was quite uncomfortable for me to continue to look at her. How irritating it was for me to go through. They then became suspect. My iPhone 7+ had the logicboard fail in it yesterday and I am without any of the funds needed to fix it… at least right now. I do however possess the skill and tools to fix it on my own without a large expense. I am going to go without a smartphone for the remainder of time I have until I am able to access my storage and get the tools needed to fix my broken iPhone. I will not be on social media other than to write. I am done. I need to center myself and the only way to do that is cut myself of every situation and person that is taking from me and draining me. I cant say that I haven’t tried to be patient and kind and reserved and modest in my efforts to be a good person. I have done all of those things. But the fact of the matter is that the more I continue to do for others without doing for myself, the more I am going to fail at my own hardships.

The Universe is telling me that if I don’t receive the message this time that I need to focus on myself and getting where I need and want to be personally; I will be stripped until I have nothing. And I will have done it because of my own fault. Because I am giving more to others than I am giving to myself. I am not here right now for them. I am not in Syracuse for them. I am here for my son. To claim my son because pain done to him is pain to me. And pain to me is beyond pain to him. It is killing him. If you have read anything about how I gave birth to my son, you would know that I love that little boy unconditionally.

Making a way out of here to be able to do everything that I need to do is the most important to me. I have been looking at apartments in specific areas and I want to be able to be close to those I know I can count on and can count on me. Now that I have my eye on an apartment, I will do what I have to do in order to get squared away with getting into it and making it to the next milestone.

I am ready.

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