Journal

Unrequited Love

When there’s reciprocation, it’s called requited love. Requited love is a love that is returned. Unrequited would mean the contrary.

I had to look at this situation I had found myself in, with open eyes. I wasn’t really going to benefit by going deeper within myself while still blaming myself for the current circumstance I was in. I needed to appreciate how and why I had gotten here in the first place. I think that was really the first step to escaping this type of love that I felt.

The way I wanted him to love me was not returned how I wanted. It wasn’t mutual. That made it unrequited. No matter how many times I fantasized about us being together one day, it wasn’t a reality at the time. And it didn’t even honestly seem like something he wanted from me in the future.

I was left asking myself so many question afterwards.

I often think that I went through that to teach me how to recognize signs of someone with genuine interest. To be able to contrast versus no interest. But none of that mattered in the moment.

It seemed like he was perfect for me. We bonded over poetry. That was really the topic of our first date. That was the theme that night downtown. Although its been years since we met, the memories are still fresh in my mind. The feeling is still fresh in me. I still get butterflies when I think about him.

Ancient, distant, cold, unrequited love. And I fell hard…deep…slow. Which only made the pain so much more. It was the difference between being cut with a serrated knife versus a straight blade. The blade was dragging in my skin. I can see the flesh underneath. But it was like I didn’t care. If you imagined his “No, I’m not ready” being the knife; I kept going back to that feeling of love for him. Only to be cut open with the truth.

Most people back away from things that inflict pain on them. And he was in no way to blame. He was so honest with me. Told me what it was and I should have accepted it. The stronger, more level-headed me says that the vulnerable, disarrayed me was infatuated with his presence. Infatuated with his commitment to friendship with me. Infatuated with him.

I think infatuation can be both beneficial and beautiful when it’s mutual and I have had it be mutual. But we cannot choose who we fall in love with sometimes. I have been fortunate to have many loves in my lifetime. And they each came with their own lessons.

The lesson I learned form loving him and not receiving it in return is that my love is deep. And that can be something that someone knows, but whether the respect it is up to them. By my remaining true to myself and how I felt, I opened the door for him to be true and honest with me about how he felt for me.

So for that lesson alone, I am forever grateful.

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elaundra

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