Monthly Archives:December 2022

Journal

How, Sorry

The intellect that one has is held within themselves. They sit and they contemplate things in their own hell. Maybe they think too much. Too hard. Too soft. Too this. Too that. If. when a person sits and thinks of mistakes they have made, what are they truly thinking about? We never know unless they tell us. That’s the sad part. Sometimes we never really know what’s on someone’s mind. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so mean. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so ungrateful. But who really even knows that I would feel this way? Or you would feel this way?

I guess we would only know if we told. But in this pool of regret we all sit in from time to time; I wonder how deep does the water get? Is it up to you? Does it really depend on the amount of tears you’ve shed? Are the tears you shed measuring how sorry you really are?

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Love Letter

love-letter

I don’t know what the universe holds for us.

Even if you do intoxicate me in a good way.

But I have to clean up the messes in my life as do you.

It will all be ok soon.

I wasn’t necessarily in the position financially to be of help to you in the way you need right now.

And I really thought I could but you’re still working on things, so they’re some high bills which can be expected.

I think you know what type of person I am so you declined and I insisted which I shouldn’t have done.

You would have come to me if it got terribly bad.

But I made it sound like I got you covered.

And at the capacity you need right now, I don’t.

But I am still working at things as are you.

I am inconsistent with others because I haven’t set boundaries with myself in order for me to be consistent with.

I don’t know what it is about you but I just want to take on the world in your behalf.

Whatever it is, I just want to do it.

And of course, I tried to be superwoman as usual.

And things are just easy with you.

But I knew that I needed to figure out how to balance and harmonize.

We have just never had boundaries that we set for each other really.

And we just flow… so that can get tricky and it did.

I don’t regret helping you.

It’s not that.

It’s just that I’m so willing to make sure you’re feeling good and you’re somewhat ok that I’m neglecting myself.

That’s not balance.

And Its not fair to you if I get frustrated because I’m doing things above and beyond what you ask of me but then getting upset when you cant reciprocate.

The problem with that is that you have said in the beginning you can’t deliver on these things I’m getting frustrated at for no reason.

The common factor is me there.

And I need to correct that, which could take time.

But revisiting that behavior, topic or convo Is only going to push you away.

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Solitary

solitary

They always thought they were doing something for me. As if filling my gut with their fake love was going to somehow lock me in. It was temporary. Where are you when I sleep? Where are you when I’m broken down? Where are you when my migraines hurt so bad I can’t even fathom talking to people. Where are you when I sit on the bathroom floor consumed with so much emotion I can’t breathe steadily? Where are you? But instead of being here when you can slide inside, be present. So you’re with others? What others? Why others? My others? There are no others…I bet you had no idea what you had in your pocket. They always run to the ones who don’t want them but come back to me because my love was good. I counted on the relaxed effort I received. It was almost as if my heart was okay with mediocre it was pumping 5w20 and I needed higher viscosity love. Tell me I’m beautiful. Because every morning I wake up is a new day and there’s something more to love. I love to hear it. Or is there something for YOU to love? If there isn’t, you aren’t the one. I love who I am. But tell me beautiful BECAUSE I am. Tell me I’m smart. Tell me I’m worth it. Tell me I make you laugh… uncontrollably. Tell me if all the things I never dreamed you held inside. Solve… the equation at hand is a rambling score. A tally of what we know as playing around, yet nostalgically acting like we don’t want it to be more. 

If you knew your secret power would you use it for the greater good of those around you? Is it important to you? Grace defined… I’m constantly turning over a new leaf but keeping the same book. My episodes are endless. But where’s the happy endings? Where’s the full circle? Where’s the love story? It’s all in perception… 

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Inspiration

I have been referred to as inspirational in more than one conversation. Inspirational?
Apparently some have thought so. And it isn’t to say that I, myself don’t think that I am. It’s that I have had such a more recent affiliation with inspiration myself that I sometimes forget my pain can inspire someone else trying to get through something they are going through. I have put so much energy and confidence in this blog and my life as well. Have you ever worked really hard at something, only to have someone tell you that you aren’t doing good enough? But you think you are! Ant it gets frustrating, it gets tough, and you just want to give up. But when you have people who you, supporting you; it means a lot. And it means even more when you have people you don’t even know you supporting you. Or friends that you make that find you such an inspiration to them. I have never met any of my followers. To this day I am still friends with a couple people on Instagram and other social media that began as followers of my blog. But I would definitely love to meet you all. I am just so inspired myself by all of the lovely emails and comments I get telling me how much you love my blog design and love reading it. So, thank you…

For every person that thinks you can’t do something, there are 2 people who think that you can. Underestimating yourself is not going to ever help you, trust me I have done it one too many times. And the only that does is give others the impression that they can underestimate you as well. Which is going to do nothing but bring you down. if you ever consider loving someone else, you must love yourself. And much of my learning in life has been about that. Believe me. I have had a hard time learning to love myself. You must understand that we can do anything. Wait… but we can add more to that statement. You can also do anything with the right support around you. I can never reiterate enough that it is such a relief to know that for every shred of confidence you don’t have, there is someone willing to give you that confidence back. So, for every person that thinks I’m inspirational, thank you. I think you are an inspiration to me too. And thank you for allowing me to be an inspiration to you.

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Reciprocate

276

I know men like him. He thought his dick was his gift to the earth. As if the universe had been waiting for him to grace it with him presence and my thighs with his sorrow. The mentality is indescribably sad. Every woman he encountered probably did so much for him. A big dick isn’t always worth the trouble. I walked to the bathroom. I hate the smell of him. I hate having sex with him because it made me feel dirty. He felt evil to me. Why do I do this myself? He’s a pig.

“How you doing in there.” He yelled from the bed.

“Fine, thanks.”

I looked into the mirror and flipped myself off. Fuck you El’Aundra. You know what he’s all about. Yet and still you give him a chance. Give him a chance to die slowly. A chance to wilt away from your mind. A chance to rot from the inside out. A chance to see what it feel like to hurt like he hurt you. I pulled my pants on. As if this man knew what the fuck he was doing any damn way. He wasn’t anything I would write home about. Not even all that handsome and nice. Ugly ass personality. I don’t understand this… These men these days always want us women to do so much for them but have no interest in reciprocating. Imagine how that made me feel. Someone like me isn’t selfish. I feel like he use me. Like he just wanted what he could take and nothing else. They all do.

Where the fuck is my bra. I snatched that shit up quicker than Solange pressed the panic button on the elevator. Seemed like I couldn’t leave this place fast enough. I was putting my bra in when he walked in the bathroom.

“You’re perfect.”

“Is that what you tell every woman you have sex with?”

“Come on El’Aundra. Stop it. Take a compliment.”

“It’s not a compliment if it’s not genuine. I am only perfect to you when you’e had an orgasm because my mouth and legs were open and available for you to use. Let’s not forget that you don’t dine out; or don’t know how to. But regardless, we don’t need to continue this because I won’t compromise on that. Eat it or leave.”

“I will next time.”

I will show you the door this time. There won’t be a next time.

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Poisoned With Denial

THE HARDEST CONFLICT TO RESOLVE IS THE ONE WITHIN YOURSELF- EL’AUNDRA

I always told you if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I truly deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought every that HE thought was wrong with was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else.

I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to feel like I was crazy. As if I was the one who needed him in order to succeed in life. As if I was nothing without him and there was nobody better for me than him. The sad thing is started to believe it. I had gotten so out of shape because of how was making me feel about myself and I started to notice people weren’t as attracted to me anymore. It was harder to make friends. It was harder to carry on a conversation about what I wanted in life and where my life was headed because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t know myself and I wasn’t able to discern whether it was because I had simply lost who I was or if I had just adopted how someone else felt about me as well as losing who I was.

There was no way for me to find out other than using time as my vice grip. it was the only thing that saved me. Time led me into learning more and about the outcome of my decisions in that relationship. I saw the outcome of my good deeds when it pertained to him and they were hardly anything other than negative. I chose to sit and ponder my place in life with him as my master.

It wasn’t that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Rather, it was that I had given up on my wherewithal to get there. I didn’t have the energy to get there nor did I believe in myself enough to see that all I needed to propel myself forward was my strength and nothing more.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me everyday because as each and every day dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something that. I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts, or anything else that would make me want to go back to a man I wasted years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

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July’s Mornings

Flashback to a time when I was fluidly moving. Living in my passion for the arts and taking control of it. Until I met a man who believed a woman’s place was much different; just as much as I believed I needed to sacrifice my passion for creativity to keep someone. Apprehensive, yet curious I wanted to see if I could change that view in his mind. I got caught up on ideals that weren’t min, expectations I didn’t want to be part of and became a woman I now don’t even recognize. She felt like there was nothing left. I feel like there’s more than ever now. Whether I am alone or not.

Inside my soul it’s like sheets of Gold. I feel just as warm as the Bourbon in my hand.

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the-workplace-as-a-workzone

I like my peace at work.

I have worked in so many various work environments that it’s easy to see and call out what I will and won’t deal with. I just don’t have any interest in coming to work on some bullshit. I’m always amazed at the shitty spirited shit people bring to the workplace.

I remember walking into work wearing my Grandmother’s Red Wool Coat. Much like Red Riding Hood I’m sure they thought. That coat is so beautiful. Turns heads every time I wear it. It was Valentines Day too. There was this lady at my job that I low key couldn’t stand. I just didn’t like how she acted when I first met her. I kept my distance for the most part and did my work. She would initiate conversations sometimes and after a while I realized maybe I was a little harsh on judging her.

AN EYE FOR AN EYE MAKES THE WHOLE WORLD BLIND.

I don’t compete with other women. I just let you think I’m in the race. This is not a competition. You lost when I walked in, if you’re coming with that energy. Most times there is a slight assumption that I am a pretty, quiet, mousey bitch. A girl that won’t say anything to you. Needs to deal with this shit. No. Just letting you spew your ideals and thoughts wherever you shall desire? I think not.

I had only been employed at this job for a couple of weeks. It was not at all the job was bad or hard. It was a great job. The woman just had something slick, ignorant and disrespectful every single time I came into work. She was white. Unknowledgeable. Privileged. Un-attending. Annoying. Interrogating, not Intimidating. She was more than intrusive with her questions that day.

BE WHO YOU ARE AND SAY WHAT YOU FEEL.

We got to talking about children. So I showed her a picture of my children. Only after she had shared numerous photos of her family.

“Awe, how precious. Such beautiful eyes. Is his father white?”

I was dumbfounded. And irritated. See, that’s some shit I have no interest in entertaining let alone answering. It’s so unnecessary for me to lend an ear to what just came out of your mouth. There is no reason for me to think that she didn’t mean this. She meant what she said. She didn’t know any better? Lies. I tend to think you get too old to be outwardly ignorant. You just don’t give a fuck. You take it to another level. A level you can’t come back from when you are unable to retract what you’ve said. Then you want to get defensive. Once you are called out on it.

Let down your defensiveness. There is no reason. We are the ones who should be defensive. I was defensive to what she said. I also went ant dried later. At that point it wasn’t that I didn’t understand what she had just said to me. It was just that I couldn’t believe it. And it made me so angry. I really wanted to punch her. This turned into a conversation that I eventually had to leave. I felt like she was attaching me for being single, black (especially that it was valentines day; and I was single), for being a single mother and she had the nerve to call me worldly. That was only after I told her about the heritage and ethnicity running through my veins. She proceeded to blanket and cover (or what she thought she did) the offensive things she said to me; by telling me that her daughter was married to a Black man from Nigeria. As if I am supposed to care? You don’t get to do that Karen.

Is she fucking serious?

As you can imagine, it was a rough day. It was a tough conversation with HR, who gave ZERO fucks because she had been in the radiology department for over 35 years. It was evident that I wasn’t a concern of theres. This white woman in her 60s who had been there really long was more important. There was no value put on putting her in her place. There was no regard for the pain she just caused. There was no remorse for the words she said. There was no consequence for her actions. And most. of all there was no other choice for me to make other than quit. I felt like I owed it to myself to not want to be around her ugly ass any longer.

Outsiders will look and think “quit? how could you?!” But I did it because I felt like I had to do it. I felt like I was running a race I didn’t sign up for. And at this point in my life I was looking for peace. I tend to think that situations that are meant for me will find me and work themselves out.

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Less and Less

The more I think about it. Whatever is causing this type of energy, I am good on it. You can still hit me up from time to time but this between is is stressing either one of us or both of us and I’m good.

E

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On The Bed

on-the-bed

ON THE BED 

I laid on the bed next to him. I knew that my flaws were sprawled all over his comforter but he didn’t mind, He took the ones that were beautifully transparent in the sunlight; like a rose petal, and lifted them up. He gave me more hope than I had ever thought a human could. I rubbed his face. I am so drawn to him. And it doesn’t make sense to just stare at him right now without kissing him. His lips are so defined.

Jesus, he sees me staring at him. “Hi” I say. Inside my mind I am rolling my eyes at myself for being so weird. But then he laughed. and I saw the cute little chip on his tooth. I would delete my entire past of nobodies for another lifetime of him. Essentially I am insulting those I used to be with. Because I have such a tunnel vision when it comes to him. And it’s not unhealthy. It’s like this…

I am walking along in my life at a little bit of a slow pace. So he comes along and sees that. He doesn’t beat me down and tell me I am a worthless bitch that comes from a long line of worthless bitches… he tells me that he will never dim my candle and I am a queen who deserves a king. And that I can do anything I want to with hard work and dedication. And he loves my energy.

In todays society we like to quantify how much someone loves or cares for you by materials. If I did that, then I guess I would be broke when it comes to him. He benefits my soul. His wisdom and conversation are so helpful. We could just talk and vibe for hours if we want to. With no pressure. Pressure bursts pipes. I looked forward to being around him.

“What are you doing later tonight” He asked

“Nothing actually” I said, “I have tonight off.”

“Lets get together.” He said, I could see the smile on his face

We didn’t have to fake what we were around each other when we were in the presence of one another. In all honesty, I couldn’t wait to see him. I mean, of course. “oh shit” I thought to myself. I definitely just felt a little flip in my heart. “What if I love him?” A part of me felt that was the dumbest thought ever. As if thats going to stop the world. He never really seemed to interested in a relationship with me. But he sticks around. I wonder if he even likes me like that.

“El’Aundra…Hello.. are you ok?” He got off the bed and came over to me. “Hey… babe are you ok? Is it something I said?”

No, it wasn’t something you said. How was I going to tell him it was something I said? 

“Nope, just feeling a little headache. And yes, I would absolutely love to see you later.”

He kissed me. I felt like I was floating. I love kissing him. Right now I just wanna cruise  under the covers on him…

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