Poisoned With Denial

THE HARDEST CONFLICT TO RESOLVE IS THE ONE WITHIN YOURSELF- EL’AUNDRA

I always told you if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I truly deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought every that HE thought was wrong with was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else.

I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to feel like I was crazy. As if I was the one who needed him in order to succeed in life. As if I was nothing without him and there was nobody better for me than him. The sad thing is started to believe it. I had gotten so out of shape because of how was making me feel about myself and I started to notice people weren’t as attracted to me anymore. It was harder to make friends. It was harder to carry on a conversation about what I wanted in life and where my life was headed because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t know myself and I wasn’t able to discern whether it was because I had simply lost who I was or if I had just adopted how someone else felt about me as well as losing who I was.

There was no way for me to find out other than using time as my vice grip. it was the only thing that saved me. Time led me into learning more and about the outcome of my decisions in that relationship. I saw the outcome of my good deeds when it pertained to him and they were hardly anything other than negative. I chose to sit and ponder my place in life with him as my master.

It wasn’t that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Rather, it was that I had given up on my wherewithal to get there. I didn’t have the energy to get there nor did I believe in myself enough to see that all I needed to propel myself forward was my strength and nothing more.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me everyday because as each and every day dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something that. I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts, or anything else that would make me want to go back to a man I wasted years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.