If you press the play button on your life it will feedback a tune. The depth of tone is what I seek. I look for an extension of the vibe. Resonance. The beat to my tune. the best thing to do is keep humming. I couldn’t hear so I turned it up.
Every time I had my heart broke I felt like there was a lesson to learn from it. There was something that I obviously didn’t see. There was something about my intuition that I wasn’t listening to. When my intuition goes off it feels like I have to take a #2. It’s lower in the gut and it’s a tight feeling in my stomach that I do not listen to. And for so many reasons I sat here and asked myself why I would allow myself to be dug down like that and taken under by a wave of lies. If I wanted to surf I would. If I wanted to bike I would. If I wanted to climb I would. I wanted to swim. To fight the waves. To make sure that every time I closed my eyes I felt the water on my skin. To feel the air. To be free. To be the one that is resilient. To be the one that’s on the wave. It was always the ups and downs that got me. Sometimes I could handle it and sometimes I couldn’t.
I began manifesting little things about myself that I wanted to improve. I got post it’s from Walgreens and I sat there. I watched Being Mary Jane. When I’m going through a rough time in my life I am always able to sit there and retrace my steps with the help of that series. It’s imperative that the feelings I get out are on paper. So in order to get myself together I would write various quotes on sticky notes. It was one of the most relaxing things to go around the house and see all the post it’s that I was putting everywhere. And when I needed inspiration I just looked at one. I’ve been a victim my whole life. I prefer not to be victimized. It’s a very hard thing to come back from so I have a whole collective of tasks in numeric order that I use for the comeback. All I can say is that they need to be the only thing you desire to get you stronger. They hold a lot of purpose. They hold the truth. Embody that.
I spent so many weeks in one space. And in one place. Hoping that my everlasting blessing wasn’t to wake up with the same processed actions that I had been succumbed to before. I live, I breathe, I allow myself to feel.
But in this world I live in right now; even the best of friends can turn out to be something you never expected them to be. I had a dream one time that a close friend of mine would take a man that I loved from me. I told myself that if that ever happened, I would not die. I would live. Swallow my mistakes that caused me to be here in this space and deal with this. Then I would live exuberantly and love enormously.