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Not all work is friendly
Wise words.
We are talking at work.
And the lady said don’t treat everyone.
At work like they’re your friend.
Don’t be so quick to let your guard down.
And this is another reason I move different.
It’s not you, it’s me.
My boundaries.
My upbringing.
My wisdom.
That tells me I must get to know you before I can trust you.
Especially at work.
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Valor
I remember him asking what I needed. I said I need to work. Have a home to come back to. And someone to rub my body. And company. And just a support that’s there while I grind and work on getting my house and everything settled for the kids. I can’t commit to custody agreements with no car and be traveling to different cities for work just to get paid more than in Syracuse. And after some shady shit in the beginning of June, there was a Viking at my rescue. And for that I’m thankful af. Because I was given a chance to have what I said I needed and then see it through. And of course there’s more to need… but I’m not needing to bother. I’m not needing to harm. I’m not needing to deceive. I just need someone who wants to be by my side. And it was the ‘stay here as long as you want and work on you first’ and I took that chance. Other times I felt like someone might want to give me a place to stay. But they might want something else in return and what if I couldn’t deliver. I often thought about the circumstances. The timing. Sometimes I felt like I was only offered a bed to sleep the night. And I would get there and you acted like you didn’t want me around. That bothered me, knowing I was not here deceiving you telling you I needed somewhere to stay and I really didn’t. So it wasn’t something I would have been wise if I didn’t consider the alternative angles presented. I am grateful for these foundational things because sometimes your environment can be toxic. Think of it this way…
Choice 1: Man really liked this girl. And he wanted to help her. So he offered. He knew he could make money off her being in his house. And it is that he wants the money selfishly for himself. Not to help her
Choice 2: Man really liked this girl. And he wanted to help her. So he offered. He knew he could make money with her and help her by letting her stay in his house. And it is that he wants to help her, make her life easier and see her succeed. Not watch her fail.
Which choice do you want? I choose #2. It’s the respect factor. He wants to know more about her on a deeper level by exploring her interests and passions and talents with her. Hence investing in her. Reminding her of her greatness. Reassuring her and more. So… that was what made me leap. I need this body to work and heal. And what I didn’t need was to be in a shelter alone and by myself. I needed to be in a bed with someone who could make sure I’m ok at night when I’m sleeping. I’m not having panic attacks at 3am etc. And without making it seem like I need round the clock care in that sense. But it’s the factor that I’ve already been alone for so much of my life. I didn’t want more loneliness if I could help it. So I decided to help myself and accept help. And I’m quite thankful and pleased.
I have much respect for the military. Wars. Politics and more. But I appreciate the advice the most. Because when it comes to living life better, I would appreciate the advice from people who see more potential in me than I see in myself. From people who want to show me more of life. And I appreciate being able to be independent to some extent and work.We went to family dollar. I was silly in the store of course. But I needed body wash. Didn’t want to ask. I have no money. And even in a relationship I just don’t like asking. I don’t expect you to read my mind I just get uncomfortable with asking for too much. And $5 body wash was too much. So I thought to myself I can’t wait to work and get my own money and buy what I need. Then I don’t have to feel like I’m annoying by asking. You know? Later that afternoon I found $16. I went and got a few things that make me smile. Including body wash. But my face was just delighted with joy. I couldn’t believe I had just found a little bit of money!
I appreciate everyone who has tried to help in any way or another. And trust me. I went through so much emotionally. I was mad at God. For making me pick myself up the way I had to and I didn’t have my Nana this time. I was angry because I was feeling like I needed to breathe. Just breathe.
I don’t require what other people require. It wasn’t my intention to dive into anything other than being a peaceful addition to this home and having a peaceful environment to thrive so that I can build what I’m used to having for myself family and kids.
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Today at work
At work working on this post…
When I wireframe it out in my mind nursing is in the heart.
And it’s in mine.
Always has been.
Another love of building and designing things.
And landscaping.
Ceramics.
Art.
I imagine I’ll be going to school.
Getting degrees for the next 10 years.
If I desire.
And wouldn’t it be nice sitting.
Next to the kids doing homework together.
In my mind that’s what I envision.
And the family mode.
He’s inspiring me to better myself.
To go after what brings me peace.
And happiness and makes the entire family happy.
Like the earrings?
They were in a bag of old jewelry.
I’m never too good for fake costume jewelry.
Never too good for vintage second hand clothes.
Never too good to be homeless and broke.
Never too good to be single.
Never too good.
Just good enough to be me.
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Cosmic Fortitude
I had opened the door.
And quite honestly at that time for me.
It was exactly what I needed.
When it came to each time.
I opened the door the excitement mounted.
I just got more and more into the process.
Of waiting for the arrival and excited.
To open the door much like a surprise.
There was a feeling that I could have explained.
To other people as a good fit.
The essence of the way I melted was satisfying.
When you go through periods in life.
Where you’re down and just feel low about yourself.
Your drive.
Happiness and other things.
There could very well be a place to turn.
And that place was a cosmic place.
Meeting at the same table every time.
Well, I know we both wanted juice.
A handmade special blend.
And then I’ll sit and tell you all the things.
Relax, unwind.
Stay a little longer.
That was always the thing.
My heart hurt when you left.
I would want you to stay longer.
And linger.
My body yearned for the security your hands gave it.
When you massaged my shoulders.
If it be up to someone else.
To try and take you from me, they might.
Oh, they might.
But I got this deep fluttering feeling in my stomach.
When I saw these camouflage pants with an orange stripe.
Neon orange in fact.
And it took all my strength to keep my heart intact.
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The man in the photo
I never felt like I needed to have ownership of this man to be in his life. Never any bad intentions for being there. It was always peace. And it’s like you have someone to look up to when times are hard and you doubt yourself. Because they have already said they believe in you.
During the time of my healing from being hit by the car there was one key factor of life that sustained me in ways that I had known before. In youth. In spirit. In hope. I remained preserved. I remember going into my phone and the Walgreens app needing to release the pain. Some of the work you must do when working on the pain body and releasing it includes you subjecting yourself to visually focusing on alternate sources of peace or being in your vision visually. And I was. I live in my head naturally and has created this life we live together in my head over the years. I felt that the only way I could heal was printing his picture out from there. And I did. A 4×7. I then posted it on the wall. Recognizing that it would make me feel that much better. When I went to sleep I kissed him good night. And when I woke in the morning I would kiss him. Even the fact that I worked overnights didn’t bother me. My faith in my love for him was so strong that I knew without a doubt I was going to have him one day to myself. And it was little things like we had the same exact sunglasses. And burgundy sweats. And clothes. And talked the same. It took over me. Intoxicated me. So I would listen to that afrobeats song and do my work. Honoring the dream. I took this photo around that time as well. 💚He always said he admired my strength. My heart honored that in itself coming from a man like him. Having so much respect, I knew that I needed to be in a right energy to be around him. Otherwise I know my own nature would not last. I woke breaking down in tears because I was in so much pain. So often. But I knew I could get through it. I did know that. It was the non-judgmental character. The deep friendship 12 years old. I appreciate everything. Like a little girl with her crush on Shamar Moore. He was always a celebrity to me. Always
I got so frustrated and ashamed of how I felt about him that I ripped the picture up. And then I printed it again. Realizing that I was just going through what I needed to in order ti draw him to me eventually. And so, I printed out an 8×10. And I hope to pick it up soon. Because I am thankful for the trinkets from my kids and his photograph helping me through. I saw him once after the accident. And it was like the love of my life walking in all over again. It was my love for him. My feeling that he is the most amazing, wonderful thing on this earth. Thankful for people like you in my life. And I will never love anyone like I love him. Because you’re your own one-of-a-kind person That might be something that some people might not like. But me not caring about the past is what’s important because I always said no matter what I take you as you are. Always.
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11.29.23
There were so many blessings yet so many lessons. So many wonderful people amongst the alternative. At this time, I was working at Amazon until 11/21/23. It seems they had “lost” my Leave of Absence paperwork and I was stunned. Already quite broke from being so depressed and buying shit I didn’t need; my mental was not right. I was still in shock somewhat. I didn’t know how to ask for help and so I did not. It surely wasn’t that I didn’t need it. Oblivious to so much that was going on. I had just been hit by a car less than 45 days before and was still working out, trying to regain strength. What was odd about this period of time is that on Valentine’s Day 2024, I found out that this girl I had met in july 2023 had died. So around the time that this video was made, she was already dead. And we had a wonderful connection I will always cherish. But that is not the craziest part that hurts because I don’t know the truth as to why I was never told about her death. We used to sit outside of where she worked. Which was RIGHT NEXT DOOR to where I was staying at the time. All I can do is say that when I found out from a friend of mine that looked on Facebook, it was because I had seen that he had such a wonderful spirit and wanted to link him with her. So he looks on Facebook and sees that she died 10.9.23. 5 days after I was hit by the car. And I broke down crying. All I can do is explain it as a feeling of betrayal along with a sense of loss. Kind of like you don’t know who to trust. But I still had so much love around me at the time. And those burgundy sweats… GOD do I love those.
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Her Angel Eyes
It’s as if you’re walking into a room with all eyes on you because they know who you are. The general public is who? There was an idea in my head about a girl who lived in a world watched. And everything she did was on camera. It was seen. They could see what she was doing in her house. They watched. It was a way for income. A way to feed their family. By violating another’s. Never paying attention to the idea that she thought her home was just that; a home. A safe place for her to lay herself. A place for her peace.
He watched intently. As the numbers in his bank account grew he decided ultimately he was going to keep delivering malice. Keep projecting his insecurities about his lack of valor in life onto another human. He should have been shunned, but that justice has yet to be served. He pleases himself at her expense. Good people go about life telling people that they are good so they aren’t alarmed. But after all, she doesn’t realize the very person watching her is someone she works with. The people she works with don’t even protect her.
Little did she know the man who was watching her was a man she was familiar with for so long. Someone she had grown to trust. To love. To cherish. He couldn’t separate himself from his devious ways. He chose to have his way with any woman who would give him attention at her place of work. And so that he knew what he was up against he kept a good eye on her. So people are smiling and laughing. And silence starts to creep around. Because people are starting to notice who is being hurt. They’re thinking that this man loves them. And they come to work feeling like they can share the love. But they don’t share it around her. He tells everyone that he is her past. So they take the sensitive route and neglect to mention particulars about who the person is that they’re falling for. It’s the same person who’s continuing to kill this poor woman. In spirit. In heart. She is one of the most beautiful. In the entire job. So regal and elegant no wonder there are other women who feel unease about her presence. But that’s why he likes them. Because her confidence makes it easy for him to make them think he is the key to their confidence. When in fact he is just a key to their detriment. And the key to their souls, that this man is truly after, is in her eyes.
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Theme Park Writing
Telling myself that I felt nothing wrong. Because I didn’t. It felt right. It felt like I was being forced to recall all of the trauma I had experienced in the past and give it to you for your oblivion. Because you are the only one to erase it. Loving me will heal all that you worry won’t be healed. Sometimes you don’t even realize that without the constraints of society I have emotions and feelings in my heart for other people living on this earth. And it would be who of you to sit there wondering what the feeling entailed. But I kept that part to myself. I was silenced. Because you somehow thought I was doing this intentionally. You felt like I was hurting you. And I wasn’t. I was bleeding for love. Not knowing where to turn for the love that I sought. And I thought. I deserved it. Or else why would I be looking so hard right? I fumbled, felt like I had taken a flight on the wild side of failure. I tried to make you fall in love and made you fall into someone else. For reasons that to this day I am unsure of. I tried telling you how I felt. You ignored it. And that didn’t break me, so I kept trying. And kept trying. And then when there was another person who made me feel that warmth, I did the same. Without thinking you might be upset because I didn’t give you a chance to respond. But how much time do you need? How much time does it take to feel me? To absorb me? I don’t want these filters through other people. And my seeking the love painstakingly alone, I tried to tell you I wanted your love. I wanted it so badly I needed to be brought back to life because living without it damn near killed me. It made me feel like I had nothing to do. Nobody to turn to. I just wanted to get a response. Tell me what you feel. How you feel. What you want. Empty silence. Blank wall. Stuck in a trance. I walked around and paced. Back and forth. When the carousel stops, I hope you understand I just wanted my heart to be your theme park. I know my heart can be a rollercoaster. But if you don’t mind, could you be the turbulence in my wings to stabilize me? I’m flying, not weightless until you take this weight off my chest by making my heart soar.
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Grateful
I am thankful to you Lord. Grateful you thought to answer my prayers. Grateful you gave me strength. Grateful you have blessings in store. Grateful to learn lessons in life. Grateful to be a lesson to others. Grateful to be able to spread love. Grateful to be able to love. Grateful for my children. Grateful to be a part of a family. Grateful for life
