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Valor

Posted by elaundra

I remember him asking what I needed. I said I need to work. Have a home to come back to. And someone to rub my body. And company. And just a support that’s there while I grind and work on getting my house and everything settled for the kids. I can’t commit to custody agreements with no car and be traveling to different cities for work just to get paid more than in Syracuse. And after some shady shit in the beginning of June, there was a Viking at my rescue. And for that I’m thankful af. Because I was given a chance to have what I said I needed and then see it through. And of course there’s more to need… but I’m not needing to bother. I’m not needing to harm. I’m not needing to deceive. I just need someone who wants to be by my side. And it was the ‘stay here as long as you want and work on you first’ and I took that chance. Other times I felt like someone might want to give me a place to stay. But they might want something else in return and what if I couldn’t deliver. I often thought about the circumstances. The timing. Sometimes I felt like I was only offered a bed to sleep the night. And I would get there and you acted like you didn’t want me around. That bothered me, knowing I was not here deceiving you telling you I needed somewhere to stay and I really didn’t. So it wasn’t something I would have been wise if I didn’t consider the alternative angles presented. I am grateful for these foundational things because sometimes your environment can be toxic. Think of it this way…

Choice 1: Man really liked this girl. And he wanted to help her. So he offered. He knew he could make money off her being in his house. And it is that he wants the money selfishly for himself. Not to help her

Choice 2: Man really liked this girl. And he wanted to help her. So he offered. He knew he could make money with her and help her by letting her stay in his house. And it is that he wants to help her, make her life easier and see her succeed. Not watch her fail.

Which choice do you want? I choose #2. It’s the respect factor. He wants to know more about her on a deeper level by exploring her interests and passions and talents with her. Hence investing in her. Reminding her of her greatness. Reassuring her and more. So… that was what made me leap. I need this body to work and heal. And what I didn’t need was to be in a shelter alone and by myself. I needed to be in a bed with someone who could make sure I’m ok at night when I’m sleeping. I’m not having panic attacks at 3am etc. And without making it seem like I need round the clock care in that sense. But it’s the factor that I’ve already been alone for so much of my life. I didn’t want more loneliness if I could help it. So I decided to help myself and accept help. And I’m quite thankful and pleased.

I have much respect for the military. Wars. Politics and more. But I appreciate the advice the most. Because when it comes to living life better, I would appreciate the advice from people who see more potential in me than I see in myself. From people who want to show me more of life. And I appreciate being able to be independent to some extent and work.

We went to family dollar. I was silly in the store of course. But I needed body wash. Didn’t want to ask. I have no money. And even in a relationship I just don’t like asking. I don’t expect you to read my mind I just get uncomfortable with asking for too much. And $5 body wash was too much. So I thought to myself I can’t wait to work and get my own money and buy what I need. Then I don’t have to feel like I’m annoying by asking. You know? Later that afternoon I found $16. I went and got a few things that make me smile. Including body wash. But my face was just delighted with joy. I couldn’t believe I had just found a little bit of money!

I appreciate everyone who has tried to help in any way or another. And trust me. I went through so much emotionally. I was mad at God. For making me pick myself up the way I had to and I didn’t have my Nana this time. I was angry because I was feeling like I needed to breathe. Just breathe.

I don’t require what other people require. It wasn’t my intention to dive into anything other than being a peaceful addition to this home and having a peaceful environment to thrive so that I can build what I’m used to having for myself family and kids.

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