I have had so much going on mentally. I have many emotions that I have already worked through and many I have yet to settle. I got to writing last night, and I was actually in the middle of doing some other things. I had to literally stop what I was doing, throw a post it on my door for the kids to know “mom is busy. 30min.” I was in a zone. I was having a moment of flow and I was not about to let this pass me by. With that being said, this is am extremely heartbreaking piece. I will admit that. I was crying while I was writing it. You may have to read it more than once. But no matter what, it has so much depth to it. Because it’s real as fuck. Thank you for reading.
They take. They take from me and never leave anything for anyone else. They strip me of every emotion I find compelling. They take my dignity and compare me to less. They have fun at my expense. Head down, I walked to the car. I laughed because I couldn’t believe I was here again.
I looked up at the sky like there was a sign there somewhere. Was there? I always say this is my type and I should just stay away. I always bend over backwards for people who don’t even know what a tightrope is. I’m the one who goes further in a relationship because of the nurturing quality. I walk the line. I put in the time. Now I sit here with nothing.
I got into my car and threw my purse at the passenger door in a fit of rage. No dignity, no memories, no faith, no strength, no belief in anything other than the truth. The truth that I couldn’t realize. Key in the ignition, I’m leaving. Why have I never been with a man like me. Someone who would pick up and jump in their car at the drop of a dime… rub my feet when I worked 16 hours…doesn’t mind what I cook…makes effort to get to know me beneath the surface…who supports me. I’m not talking financially. My dress was so pretty. I felt like I really looked nice. He seemed so nice when we talked on the phone. Great conversation.. but his problem is not for me to figure out.
Fuck it. I punched the steering wheel. This one felt real. It felt like where was something to build on. I don’t want to go to bed alone. Reverse…maneuver…drive. Too bad I’m not running his hands over. They were all over my body telling me a different message… rubbing my back before the pain started. It was such a sharp pain. Driving down the road I realized that I was hurt… blood was on my dress. Fuck. Son of a bitch this hurt. I pulled over and got out of the car.
The grass was wet. That much I knew. Kind of felt like a cooling mask on my skin. Lights were everywhere. People were around. That sharp pain… “Hold still ma’am, you were stabbed”. The men…they always stab me. My back is full of scars. I laid back on the stretcher… more lights. I turn to the side, tears form. At least I’m alive this time. Eyes closed…