“If a relationship is what you’re looking for, I’m not there and can’t provide that for you. You will have to find someone else for that.”
Let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and manProverbs 3:3-4
That’s what he said to me. I think at the time I didn’t understand where he was coming from. He was being honest about how he felt at the time? Or was it just that he didn’t want to be with me? I was convinced that the later was the case. If you asked me how did I know that, I would say that it was because I just felt like he wasn’t in it for me.
He was still caught up on his ex at the time. That much I did know. What I couldn’t figure out was why he would even think I deserved the title of standby. Why was I being punished for my longstanding loyalty to him? Conversations about the future were not inclusive of any future longer than 24 hours.
Looking back on the pain I inflicted on myself every time I called him for the 4th time, when I hadn’t heard from him in 3 days. In any other point in life I would have been done sooner. I wouldn’t have sat around waiting, hoping that someone would see the real me. There just was no hope for us. It’s amazing what happens when the heart wants something so bad, the mind sees the illogical aspects and warns; but the heart repeatedly self-inflicts pain.
I think I wanted to be more than a friend to him. I didn’t want to be a friend with benefits or someone he called when he was bored. I wanted to be more. I felt like I could accomplish more with him. I felt like he deserved more, and I could provide that to him. Growing up, women who were older than me would tell me some tips about dating and men. One of the most common things I was told was that I need to allow a man to do things for me as well. That there needs to be a balance, an equilibrium. And I didn’t feel like we had that. Which should have been the first sign of a problem. He didn’t think about me as much as I thought about him. He was not interested in doing as much for me as I was for him. And there was no proof of his interest.
My mindset at the time was wrong. A simple comparison to previous healthy, committed relationships in the past should have woke me up. But I stayed asleep. In a coma for over a year. God forgive me. For I had no idea of the damage I was going to cause to my psyche by continuing to love someone who didn’t love me.