The one thing I hadn’t remembered is that his idea of how this is going to end is different. We talked about goals, dreams and beliefs in technicolor. We had no initiative to be more. Or rather he had no initiative to make us more than we were. A good woman can stand in front of him and she can drop everything she stands for in order to be with him, but where does that leave her in the end. Most times she is left with nothing. All I had was a broken heart again and had to pick up the pieces on my own. I would sit and think…

The disproportionate view someone else has of you shouldn’t hinder you but does. We have a funny way of running our mouths to each other running our mouths to each other talking about our experiences with a particular subject. “She was such a bitch girl.” “He was so rude.” “He didn’t…” “She didn’t…” Those being a couple examples, you realize negative context always leads to a discussion of how that person is ‘bad.’ Just like that because of what one minuscule human being has to say; they are then branded. They aren’t even there to defend themselves. But somehow we con ourselves into thinking it’s still fair So it happens…

I think now I know that when it’s night time and the house is quiet, I have time to think. Time to reflect. Time to look within. Time to pray. The numbers 2020 came to mind. Then 2005. Then my mother. Then it hit me. 15 years have passed. 15 long, arduous, lonely, ever-changing years. And I sat here saying to myself “I can’t do this tonight. I can’t cry right now.” A voice said “Yes you can Lonnie. You have to.” There are only a few people who refer to me as that and she was at the conception of that name. “I don’t want to cry all night.”…

Flashback to a time where I was fluidly moving. Living in my passion for the arts and taking control of it. Until I met a man who believed a woman’s place was much different; just as much as I believed I needed to sacrifice my passion and creativity to keep someone. Apprehensive, yet curious I wanted to see if I could change that view in his mind. I got caught up on ideals that weren’t mine, expectations I didn’t want to be part of and became a woman I now don’t even recognize. I felt like there was nothing left. I feel like theres more than ever now. Whether I…

I became less concerned with how someone looked and more concerned with how they looked at me as I came into self over time. it was my waking up to the fact that I was repeatedly getting my heart broken by even the best looking of men. I was still crying over the GQ model… There was always room for improvement in how I treated myself. I think if I really truly loved myself as much as I thought I did at certain times; I wouldn’t have tolerated the moments where I sat as a second option to someone. Is it true that they must go out into the world…

He had given me every reason to forget him but I just couldn’t let go. It wasn’t because he was holding me back in more ways than others, it was that he always said he wanted to help me grow. I was too emaciated with passion that I couldn’t see straight. I chose not to. There were signs and emotional boundaries that I never got to. Now I am left here all alone and not even in his top two.

One thing I hated the most was seeing all these pictures of women on IG who ‘lost weight’ and actually comparing myself to them. (Yes, I have done that too). Not knowing that the presentation was only for show. It wasn’t real most of the time. Most of them were women who were exaggerating the weight they lost, manipulating photos or having shortcut surgeries. I felt like none of those were options. Because in the end, not one would come out to serve me. Ancient insecurities spoke evil in my ear. “You can’t.” I told myself I would be fine if I just ‘did what they did.’ They being the…

I imagined the feeling I felt in my body when he spoke was the same as cryotherapy? I felt chills is what I’m getting at. Listening intently wasn’t something that we were new to. But in the old light of who we were to each others’ past, it’s important you know I was secure in myself and who I was and what we were. I did not listen to the endless reckless banter those around me had. Because I knew what we had between us. What he told me is what it is. And I think I lost sight of that. Because it’s never been the way that other people…

I found this quote today. I correct myself, I think the quote found me. It has been so difficult to adjust to the new way of thinking that promotes peace in your life. Peace in your life is so hard to find, and even harder to keep. People always say “I don’t want drama”… if you have to make that statement, you more than likely enjoy having drama in your life. I do not feel the need to tell someone that I do not want drama. You can see it. My actions speak to it. I truly believe if in the mind of someone that is unhappy with themselves or their lives;…

In UNCATEGORIZED on  August 24, 2017 UNLEASHED MEN DOODLES Here’s something about me: I like to say “I want to understand ________” And it’s true. I definitely do want to understand the majority of things. So, here is my latest question marked mind-boggling scenario. I remember the very heightened part of my dating life. And believe me it was fun. But I would study the reactions and responses from men I was dating. And if there was something about them that I didn’t like, then I would ask for it to be changed or I would just disappear. It’s so strange to understand but a major habit of mine is to run. I…