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Journal

Away With Smoke

February 28, 2011 / Comments Off on Away With Smoke

At times I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder what is wrong with me. Why have I allowed myself to get so out of shape? Why is it that when I want comfort, I think of food? I quit one of the nastiest habits you can have, and that was smoking. It was quite easy for me because it was time. It wasn’t because of someone else, it was because I was finally ready to break free. Smoking cigarettes was “stress relief” to me. And I am beginning to believe that the comfort of it was something that I made in my mind. I wanted something that would…

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elaundra

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Sticky Notes
If you press the play button on your life it will feedback a tune. The depth of tone is what I seek. I look for an extension of the vibe. Resonance. The beat to my tune. the best thing to do is keep humming. I couldn’t hear so I turned it up. Every time I had my heart broke I felt like there was a lesson to learn from it. There was something that I obviously didn’t see. There was something about my intuition that I wasn’t listening to. When my intuition goes off it feels like I have to take a #2. It’s lower in the gut and it’s a tight feeling in my stomach that I do not listen to. And for so many reasons I sat here and asked myself why I would allow myself to be dug down like that and taken under by a wave of lies. If I wanted to surf I would. If I wanted to bike I would. If I wanted to climb I would. I wanted to swim. To fight the waves. To make sure that every time I closed my eyes I felt the water on my skin. To feel the air. To be free. To be the one that is resilient. To be the one that’s on the wave. It was always the ups and downs that got me. Sometimes I could handle it and sometimes I couldn’t. I began manifesting little things about myself that I wanted to improve. I got post it’s from Walgreens and I sat there. I watched Being Mary Jane. When I’m going through a rough time in my life I am always able to sit there and retrace my steps with the help of that series. It’s imperative that the feelings I get out are on paper. So in order to get myself together I would write various quotes on sticky notes. It was one of the most relaxing things to go around the house and see all the post it’s that I was putting everywhere. And when I needed inspiration I just looked at one. I’ve been a victim my whole life. I prefer not to be victimized. It’s a very hard thing to come back from so I have a whole collective of tasks in numeric order that I use for the comeback. All I can say is that they need to be the only thing you desire to get you stronger. They hold a lot of purpose. They hold the truth. Embody that. I spent so many weeks in one space. And in one place. Hoping that my everlasting blessing wasn’t to wake up with the same processed actions that I had been succumbed to before. I live, I breathe, I allow myself to feel. But in this world I live in right now; even the best of friends can turn out to be something you never expected them to be. I had a dream one time that a close friend of mine would take a man that I loved from me. I told myself that if that ever happened, I would not die. I would live. Swallow my mistakes that caused me to be here in this space and deal with this. Then I would live exuberantly and love enormously.
Less Concerned
I became less concerned with how someone looked and more concerned with how they looked at me as I came into self recently. I took such a deep dive when I realized that even some of the best looking men from my past were the ones who treated me like I didn’t matter. Looked at me as if there was no genuine appreciation for me. They were the ones who only wanted me for what I could do for them. They only cared about publicly entertaining the girls that begged for their attention while they secretly entertained me. Playing with my emotions constantly. But the ‘track’ that’s already been ran through [them] is the path they chose… vs a yellow brick road [me]? Bruh… What I didn’t realize at the time is that [the right] a real man would be proud to show me off. He shouldn’t WANT to hide me at home. It wasn’t fair to me when I was treated like that. It really wasn’t. It was pretty fucked up honestly. But those lessons carry me through everything I deal with now. And these are the men who apologize now and want to get back together with me… want to know what I tell them? I tell them no. I want better. I want someone who just knows he needs to hold on to me while he has me because he might never get that chance again. I don’t want someone who finally realized they made a mistake in how they treated me years prior; asking for a second chance. I’m glad for your sake that you matured and apologize. But I’m good on that.
Honor Yourself
How, Sorry
The intellect that one has is held within themselves. They sit and they contemplate things in their own hell. Maybe they think too much. Too hard. Too soft. Too this. Too that. If. when a person sits and thinks of mistakes they have made, what are they truly thinking about? We never know unless they tell us. That’s the sad part. Sometimes we never really know what’s on someone’s mind. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so mean. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so ungrateful. But who really even knows that I would feel this way? Or you would feel this way? I guess we would only know if we told. But in this pool of regret we all sit in from time to time; I wonder how deep does the water get? Is it up to you? Does it really depend on the amount of tears you’ve shed? Are the tears you shed measuring how sorry you really are?
Love Letter
I don’t know what the universe holds for us. Even if you do intoxicate me in a good way. But I have to clean up the messes in my life as do you. It will all be ok soon. I wasn’t necessarily in the position financially to be of help to you in the way you need right now. And I really thought I could but you’re still working on things, so they’re some high bills which can be expected. I think you know what type of person I am so you declined and I insisted which I shouldn’t have done. You would have come to me if it got terribly bad. But I made it sound like I got you covered. And at the capacity you need right now, I don’t. But I am still working at things as are you. I am inconsistent with others because I haven’t set boundaries with myself in order for me to be consistent with. I don’t know what it is about you but I just want to take on the world in your behalf. Whatever it is, I just want to do it. And of course, I tried to be superwoman as usual. And things are just easy with you. But I knew that I needed to figure out how to balance and harmonize. We have just never had boundaries that we set for each other really. And we just flow… so that can get tricky and it did. I don’t regret helping you. It’s not that. It’s just that I’m so willing to make sure you’re feeling good and you’re somewhat ok that I’m neglecting myself. That’s not balance. And Its not fair to you if I get frustrated because I’m doing things above and beyond what you ask of me but then getting upset when you cant reciprocate. The problem with that is that you have said in the beginning you can’t deliver on these things I’m getting frustrated at for no reason. The common factor is me there. And I need to correct that, which could take time. But revisiting that behavior, topic or convo Is only going to push you away.

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