Journal
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Sticky Notes
If you press the play button on your life it will feedback a tune. The depth of tone is what I seek. I look for an extension of the vibe. Resonance. The beat to my tune. the best thing to do is keep humming. I couldn’t hear so I turned it up. Every time I had my heart broke I felt like there was a lesson to learn from it. There was something that I obviously didn’t see. There was something about my intuition that I wasn’t listening to. When my intuition goes off it feels like I have to take a #2. It’s lower in the gut and it’s…
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Less Concerned
I became less concerned with how someone looked and more concerned with how they looked at me as I came into self recently. I took such a deep dive when I realized that even some of the best looking men from my past were the ones who treated me like I didn’t matter. Looked at me as if there was no genuine appreciation for me. They were the ones who only wanted me for what I could do for them. They only cared about publicly entertaining the girls that begged for their attention while they secretly entertained me. Playing with my emotions constantly. But the ‘track’ that’s already been ran…
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Honor Yourself
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How, Sorry
The intellect that one has is held within themselves. They sit and they contemplate things in their own hell. Maybe they think too much. Too hard. Too soft. Too this. Too that. If. when a person sits and thinks of mistakes they have made, what are they truly thinking about? We never know unless they tell us. That’s the sad part. Sometimes we never really know what’s on someone’s mind. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so mean. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so ungrateful. But who really even knows that I would feel this way? Or you would feel this way? I guess we would only know if we told.…
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Love Letter
I don’t know what the universe holds for us. Even if you do intoxicate me in a good way. But I have to clean up the messes in my life as do you. It will all be ok soon. I wasn’t necessarily in the position financially to be of help to you in the way you need right now. And I really thought I could but you’re still working on things, so they’re some high bills which can be expected. I think you know what type of person I am so you declined and I insisted which I shouldn’t have done. You would have come to me if it got…
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Solitary
They always thought they were doing something for me. As if filling my gut with their fake love was going to somehow lock me in. It was temporary. Where are you when I sleep? Where are you when I’m broken down? Where are you when my migraines hurt so bad I can’t even fathom talking to people. Where are you when I sit on the bathroom floor consumed with so much emotion I can’t breathe steadily? Where are you? But instead of being here when you can slide inside, be present. So you’re with others? What others? Why others? My others? There are no others…I bet you had no idea…
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Inspiration
I have been referred to as inspirational in more than one conversation. Inspirational? Apparently some have thought so. And it isn’t to say that I, myself don’t think that I am. It’s that I have had such a more recent affiliation with inspiration myself that I sometimes forget my pain can inspire someone else trying to get through something they are going through. I have put so much energy and confidence in this blog and my life as well. Have you ever worked really hard at something, only to have someone tell you that you aren’t doing good enough? But you think you are! Ant it gets frustrating, it gets…
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Reciprocate
I know men like him. He thought his dick was his gift to the earth. As if the universe had been waiting for him to grace it with him presence and my thighs with his sorrow. The mentality is indescribably sad. Every woman he encountered probably did so much for him. A big dick isn’t always worth the trouble. I walked to the bathroom. I hate the smell of him. I hate having sex with him because it made me feel dirty. He felt evil to me. Why do I do this myself? He’s a pig. “How you doing in there.” He yelled from the bed. “Fine, thanks.” I looked…
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Poisoned With Denial
THE HARDEST CONFLICT TO RESOLVE IS THE ONE WITHIN YOURSELF- EL’AUNDRA I always told you if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I truly deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought every that HE thought was wrong with was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else. I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to…
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July’s Mornings
Flashback to a time when I was fluidly moving. Living in my passion for the arts and taking control of it. Until I met a man who believed a woman’s place was much different; just as much as I believed I needed to sacrifice my passion for creativity to keep someone. Apprehensive, yet curious I wanted to see if I could change that view in his mind. I got caught up on ideals that weren’t min, expectations I didn’t want to be part of and became a woman I now don’t even recognize. She felt like there was nothing left. I feel like there’s more than ever now. Whether I…
