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For a while it was like a constant battle with him. And when I say constant, I mean the shit. It seemed like there were so many conversations that had him ready to throw the towel in just much as I.

I proceeded to walk through the house. Angry as fuck. I didn’t give a shit what he said. What he said was wrong. There was no need to take it there. I can’t stand people who feel like they need to bring hateful words to a sensible conversation. All that does is make me flip the switch.

I was yelling at him back and telling him all the while to keep his mouth off me. I don’t walk in the door with guns blazing unless I feel threatened. But once that feeling of being threatened hit it’s like the gun has been there the whole time. I just had to ‘pull it out’.

“If you don’t keep your fucking mouth of me, I will have 5 generations back of women regretting you were even a thought. I would stop while you’re ahead. Telling someone the deepest, darkest secrets inside yourself doesn’t mean that you are giving them permission to turn around and use that information against you in an unfair pretense.” My whole mood: “I didn’t come at you like that, so don’t come for me.”

He stood there. Looking just as stupid as he did when he opened his mouth.

And for anyone who has been in situations like this, you know how badly you want to retreat into yourself when it’s just hit that point. See, I know in my mind it’s best to just walk away at a certain point. I cannot stand there and argue, fight etc because it will turn into a huge ordeal that is not all that necessary most times. In truth, there is a small part of us that wants to fight, right? I box people in my brain all day. And I’m pretty good in person; so if you don’t resonate I don’t blame you. And is there yet another part of you that wants to be just left alone? I feel you on that. See, sometimes there are people that antagonize for seemingly no reason at all other than to stroke their ego and themselves feel better. Narcissist. Gas-lighters.

Seemingly enough, his ego negated anything positive that his mouth said to me. Intensified conversations with The Creator. The heights of tension reached with just a look my way. Ready for war.

Far from worthless, far from stupid, far from inherently not qualified to be here; or so he would say. As if he sat one day and decided who should be here and who shouldn’t. I told him all the time he’s not God. I know God.

‘God is standing right next to me. And he won’t leave the room when I slap you across galaxies for talking shit to me.’ I said.

Silence.

There is a fashion of addressing someone that exemplifies respect for them as a human being and doesn’t degrade them within the first two sentences. I remember I used to think: ‘Once I leave him and heal myself I will find someone who won’t do this. Won’t talk to me like this. My father would never allow this. My uncle would be so ashamed. My mother would be so hurt. Not only will they know how much it hurts me, they know they’re going to get hurt as a result.’

I couldn’t make sense of anything other than what was right in front of me for so long. Seeing day in, and day out that the excitement of being with that person can wither away. I had so much hopes for us. I hate to think about the woman I was. Brings me to tears every time. It was just a really dark, low place for me. I have been blessed in life to know love. I have cheated on love. I have disregarded love. But this shit wasn’t love. And sure enough, it was a sickness I had to get away from in order to find the cure. When someone does you wrong, let it make you strong.

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I firmly believe the universe will show us signs that something isn’t right. Showing us signs repeatedly that something needs to be corrected. There has been more than one instance where I called upon the help of the Universe to discern the safety of situation. I would stay still and just listen to the answers. There are times I have had to seclude myself from others just to get the clarity I needed.

INTUITION IS SEEING WITH THE SOUL.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

  • Have you ever had unwanted circumstances or events warn you that you are headed in a bad direction? You feel a really bad feeling. Your thoughts, feelings and actions are moving at a low vibration. You are correct to feel that something isn’t right. So you need to assume that when your thoughts, feelings and actions are moving at a high vibration everything will happen perfectly. You will have excellent timing and good luck all day long. Consciously choose positive thoughts only. Our souls are stuck here in a physical dimension that is much denser and slower than the higher dimension.
  • We tend to focus on one topic once we have discovered the “answer”…don’t do this. You must acknowledge and move on.

WHAT I NOTICED…

  1. I started noticing I was constantly stuck in traffic, getting (what I thought were) dirty look from others, stupid little injuries. I started looking this up. I was noticing that what I was reading was all the same message…ALIGN YOURSELF. CENTER YOURSELF.
  2. A common mistake that I would make is that I would see these signs and just continue my “work. I would stop focusing on centering myself and move on. Instead of stopping and focusing. I don’t know what I was expecting. I think I was wanting it to be something where I acknowledged the problem and it fixed itself. Things don’t just fix themselves. WE have to put in work. When you see these warnings signs just stop. Stop the conversation, task or though you were just having. It won’t take you anywhere. Take a minute to reflect and assess the situation.
  3. Don’t talk about, thing about it or replay in your mind. This was one of the hardest things for me! Do you know how many times I have been through a circumstance that really hurt me and wanted to replay the situation in my mind. I learned that I must do the following instead: Take it for what it is; a simple stop sign and move on from it. Take care of your vibration and your thoughts to stay in line with the soul’s natural frequency.
  4. I find myself sometimes trying to escape from my life. Something deep down would tell me I am on the wrong path. I couldn’t tell what I was running from. You know you’re on the wrong path when you’re running from yourself. And I would sometimes run from myself all the time. Living a lifestyle that isn’t serving me. Coping with frustration, heartbreak, pain, loneliness and boredom. I got tired of living a purpose that wasn’t serving me. So I would catch myself and remind myself to pay attention and stop always trying to escape from the present moment. That I should be content and happy with where you are right now. To stop running away. That I can be on the right path by starting to love what I’m doing everyday.
  5. I would have anxiety attacks. I learned that all anxiety comes from a desire to escape the present moment. I would tell myself daily, ‘Be honest with how you feel; If you aren’t ok, say it.’
  6. Times where I couldn’t focus, concentrate and highly distracted at times. Many times we are so distracted that we are living a lifestyle that is so bad and if we stay any longer we will pay. Find an environment that really wants to see you win. We get carried away and lose focus and our true calling and purpose. To get back, stay focused.
  7. I can be the queen of self-doubt sometimes. I know that is something I need to work on. I realized I can’t go through life always second guessing myself.

None of these lessons were easy to learn. And the conversations I had with myself regarding the work that needed to be done wasn’t any easier. It never is. But it’s necessary. And I hope it helps what I just shared what it means for me when I am out of alignment.

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Who I Am

I had thoughts about how my website relaunch was going to go this most recent time…But when I woke up this morning to hundreds of emails and DM’s from sponsorships and prospective clients, colleagues, classmates, strangers and friends; it confirmed that support is so important. My lack of support has kept me living in fear. And fear is the enemy. I think for so long I have been afraid of telling my story. Of even letting anyone into what or who I really am. So I prayed. Prayed that I would find the words.

Communication is something that I have always valued because I know what it is like to live without being able to communicate. By the age of 3, I had an accident where I fell from a 3rd story window in Cuba Ny and suffered a TBI, along with broken bones and losing every form of communication I had known; rendering me submissive to relearning. Art and words were my comfort. Writing and painting/drawing gave me a freedom. My grade school model was Montessori. My mother knew what she was doing because it gave me a voice.

It reaffirmed that I am a miracle. A very special miracle. To her, and the world. God knew what he was doing when he allowed me to live. Rest in peace, some aren’t as fortunate. And even though she couldn’t possibly save me from every hardship that would come my way in life, she massaged a gift I can carry for the rest of my life…a way to express myself. So I have always been attracted to music, art and writing. With me excelling at all of them.

I lost sight of my capabilities for a few years. I lost my vision and my faith. Not only my faith in myself, but my faith in God. I started realizing that the missing piece was not to be found in a man or material. None of those things can gibe me what my children, and life can give me.

All of the baggage that I had been carrying for 30 years crashed on my one day. When I was 30. I had suddenly come to a halt. There was no moving forward. There was no continuation. There was only a hole. And I had to climb out of it. Regardless of my involvement in digging it.

My perspective changed recently when I realized that I have a platform that I can take ownership of. I am sitting on my therapy. Sitting on my way out. My voice. I remember that day 11 years ago when I bought this domain, that I would start a blog that would help people. Somehow. Even just one person.

Not many people can do what I can. And even you need to tell that to yourself. Because my telling that to myself is what saved me. Because then I was able to hear God talking to me. People don’t realize that being jealous, or degrading someone for their efforts to improve their life or play on their talents/strengths is not helping. That does not help someone. And your karma just might be someone not helping YOU.

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Talent is something I don’t ever run short of. I am ridiculously talented. I have always believed that you have to tell yourself that as a mantra to manifest confidence. It took me such a long time to relay this level of confidence and assurance to myself. I was a little bit too concerned with what people thought of me, my lifestyle, my attitude etc. As I approach 30, I can tell you that I couldn’t give any fucks at all about other people’s opinion of me. I am who I am. Unique AF.

It was an unfortunate past relationship that had me wondering where the hell my life was headed. I felt as if my personality was suffocated during this time and everything revolved around this person. I started losing myself. And eventually lost him… but to this day I can’t say I regret losing him or the relationship. I DON’T CARE. In order for you to get to where I am at with truly being “self-centered” (centered on yourself is not a crime people), you have some serious work to put in. Start making time for yourself.

It wasn’t until a person I had met once or twice had approached me and said “I follow your blog Elle, why don’t you do that as a career? Like why don’t you get a degree in that?”

I replied: “Hello____. Glad to see you are doing well. Um… If I wanted to do that, I would. I like Nursing for completely different reasons, and make my choice to do Nursing and my blog solely based on what I want. But thanks.”

The audacity of some people. I wanted to say “Why don’t you leave me the hell alone?” or even a simple “None of your business.” But professionalism is best served with a side of sarcasm and attitude. I delivered my speech to that person as I wanted. And to this day I have asked myself the same question but never doubting where I want to go with my life. It amazes me the inquisitive nature of some people.

There are always going to be people who say “Why don’t you become _______”, or “Why don’t you do _______.” Please pay no attention to those people. They are surely curious. Be confident in what you are choosing for yourself. You are the only person who can change yourself.

As for me, I will continue to do Photography, Blogging, Vlogging, Makeup, Nursing, Writing, Baking, Cooking, and even the occasional pumping of my own gas. 🙂 But seriously, Live your life the way you want.

Be Well,

Elle

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Center Yourself

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” –Aldous Huxley

In most cases, people are extremely unaware of the impact they can have on someone. I am guilty of this myself. But more often than not, we should think about the realms to which we exist. Where do we go from here? What can we do? Think of these things the next time you bite the hand that feeds you for example.

A common practice is that of being vindictive to another human being. Why? Why are you even wasting your time? Let the universe and karma take its course and see what happens. I am a firm believer that if you step back from a situation that you want to react with vindictiveness, and dont insert yourself, you will see the “karma” come. It may not come in a day, a month or a year. But it will come. We all pay for what we do to another person in one form or another.

In my own personal experience, I thought that by loaning a friend money (that I barely had, and was a single parent at the time) I was helping out a friend. That “sure no problem” would be honored with my money being repaid to me. It was a substantial amount of money too. If it was $50… that’s not really a big deal. But I am talking 6 times that amount. BIG DEAL!!  That was 4 years ago. I haven’t seen one cent. The biggest thing with me being your friend is that if you are a true friend of mine, I will try my hardest to do right by you. Sure, we don’t want to see our friends suffer but if someone helps you out please pay it forward. I guess I considered myself to be “petty” for a little while and then I was like no, I am not being petty. I am being real. I am just feeling what any normal person would feel. Monthly payments? Nope. Pay when taxes come? Nope. This is something that at this point in time, I am learning to let go. I have learned to not let people “borrow” anything from me. Money or otherwise. A friend of mine told me (a year after this ordeal happened) that you can always tell the state of mind and lifestyle someone is living by their actions. In other words. I was being asked for money. And if someone goes around asking people for money all the time, then you should think twice about their life and wonder why. We all have ups and downs but doing the right thing (in life and by people) will bring good karma, and we will continue to be prosperous more than we will continue to suffer. But once you roll the ball of suffering, it is a down hill battle from there and it is very hard to stop that motion.

Improve yourself guys. Look deep inside you and think “What can I fix with ME?”

Until a later time…

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The Denial

The hardest conflict to resolve is the one within yourself
– El’Aundra Dolce –

I always was told if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought everything that HE thought was wrong with me was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else.

I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to feel like I was crazy. As if I was the one who needed him in order to succeed in life. As if I was nothing without him and there was nobody better for me than him. The sad thing is that I started to believe it. I had gotten so out of shape because of how he was making me feel about myself and I started to notice people weren’t as attracted to me anymore. It was harder to make friends. It was harder to carry on a conversation about what I wanted in life and where my life was headed because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t know myself and I wasn’t able to discern whether it was because I had simply lost who I was or if I had just adopted how someone else felt about me as well as losing who I was.

There was no way for me to find out other than using time as my vice grip. It was the only thing that saved me. Time led me into learning more and more about the outcome of my decisions in that relationship. I saw the outcome of my good deeds when it pertained to him and they were hardly anything other than negative. I chose to sit and ponder my place in life with him as my master.

It wasn’t that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Rather, it was that I had given up on my wherewithal to get there. I didn’t have the energy to get there nor did I believe in myself enough to see that all I needed to propel myself forwards was strength, and nothing more.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and everyday dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and everyday dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

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The Way I Feel

I had given it so much thought.
– El’Aundra Dolce –

So much of what I am is strong. I think given my complacent nature about many other things, and so amped up about what I’m strong about handling actually balances out. I can sit here and lie telling myself I am weak and I need to go harder, cry longer, and dig deeper. Because at the end of the day I am not built like any other woman that I have met. And other people know that and use it against me by betraying me in more ways than one. Because they know I am innocent. I am innocent of greed that calculates into negative. I am innocent of lustful attractions towards those who mistreat me. I am not completely sure it’s natural for people to say that to themselves. But for me it just comes naturally. I am sitting in a bed in a woman’s shelter. I have taken weeks and turned them into progress. I am moving into an apartment that will be considered my place of movement. The fact that I am able to sit and remain calculated in the bigger picture further proves my point.

There was a period in time recently where I didn’t have a cell phone and instead of being angry I was focusing in. I am still not getting my own personal life right if I am without a phone due to the people I am around the most. 

I couldn’t believe the girl that I thought was cool enough to leave alone around some of my most prize possessions would steal something from me. It was quite uncomfortable for me to continue to look at her. How irritating it was for me to go through. They then became suspect. My iPhone 7+ had the logicboard fail in it yesterday and I am without any of the funds needed to fix it… at least right now. I do however possess the skill and tools to fix it on my own without a large expense. I am going to go without a smartphone for the remainder of time I have until I am able to access my storage and get the tools needed to fix my broken iPhone. I will not be on social media other than to write. I am done. I need to center myself and the only way to do that is cut myself of every situation and person that is taking from me and draining me. I cant say that I haven’t tried to be patient and kind and reserved and modest in my efforts to be a good person. I have done all of those things. But the fact of the matter is that the more I continue to do for others without doing for myself, the more I am going to fail at my own hardships.

The Universe is telling me that if I don’t receive the message this time that I need to focus on myself and getting where I need and want to be personally; I will be stripped until I have nothing. And I will have done it because of my own fault. Because I am giving more to others than I am giving to myself. I am not here right now for them. I am not in Syracuse for them. I am here for my son. To claim my son because pain done to him is pain to me. And pain to me is beyond pain to him. It is killing him. If you have read anything about how I gave birth to my son, you would know that I love that little boy unconditionally.

Making a way out of here to be able to do everything that I need to do is the most important to me. I have been looking at apartments in specific areas and I want to be able to be close to those I know I can count on and can count on me. Now that I have my eye on an apartment, I will do what I have to do in order to get squared away with getting into it and making it to the next milestone.

I am ready.

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The Notion

the-notion

“Those were in my corner actually weren’t; they were in it the mix for their own benefit.”

I remember an ex would tell me not to take things to heart and that I needed to change everything about me because it wasn’t good enough…A friend that I thought was a friend accused me of something that is completely out of my character. I met someone new once and they would tell me not to swear so much…There was no freedom in who I was as a person and who I wanted to be. And that was evident by how those were around me were treating me because of how I felt about myself.

“The problem we have is our lack to empathize with other people. The fact that we are too expecting of them to change instead of taking them as they are”.

Do not try to change something about someone that in nature isn’t threatening to you. Do not try to change something about someone to accommodate you. Do not change the things about that person that make them who they are. If someone doesn’t suit me, it’s ok. I will keep the shit moving because I am in no position to lose sleep over how someone else feels or doesn’t feel about me.

Imagine yourself walking through a path we call life, and how you treat or feel about yourself determines how ‘sticky’ your skin is.

In other words, if you have low self esteem, your body is covered in stickiness because everything you encounter is going to stick to you. Why? Because of how you feel about yourself. On the other side, if you have a high self esteem, your body isn’t sticky at all. You might encounter one or two feathers along the way that stick to you.. but for the most part nothing sticks to you. Your “layer” gets thicker because of the feathers. Each and every feather that is on you is masking what’s underneath… the true you. Every feather represents someone else’s opinion about you. And if you know anything about feathers (thankfully I do lol); every single feather is not like another. The same is true for each person’s perspective, thoughts of you and what they say about you based on that information. So what do you do? If you had to pick each feather off of your body one by one, that would take a lot of time right? It would even take a bit of self discovery for you to get the courage to get rid of the feathers weighing you down, but eventually you would realize how much other people and their thoughts and opinions don’t fucking matter. Eventually a ‘weight’ would be lifted off of you.

Stop letting other people who feel like shit about themselves bring you down. It’s not fair to you to sit down and take someone else’s shit just because they think you deserve it. There isn’t a reason in this world that you cant say no to allowing those feathers stick to you. It is important for you to understand that your love for yourself takes over the love someone else has for you. The science behind that is really about loving yourself and letting that radiate. Everything else will follow.

A date a couple months ago involved a conversation that went like this:

The guy said “I don’t like women who drink.”

I stared at him for a second…”Care to elaborate?”

“I just don’t like women who drink. I think its a nasty habit. My mother was an alcoholic…” he said

So, I took another sip of my fucking Jameson on the rocks and proceeded to enjoy the hell out of that sip. I looked at him and then looked at his beer. Yup, you read right. He had a motherfuckin beer! I couldn’t believe this douchebag. Here’s what I said: “So what you’re saying is your mother was an alcoholic, and because of that you feel the need to put a sexist one sided standard on women you encounter? I am not your mother, and I just don’t think that’s a fair thing to say.” I never called him again.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

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At Peace with Yourself

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August 24, 2017

Unleashed Men Doodles

Here’s something about me: I like to say “I want to understand ________” And it’s true. I definitely do want to understand the majority of things. So, here is my latest question marked mind-boggling scenario.

I remember the very heightened part of my dating life. And believe me it was fun. But I would study the reactions and responses from men I was dating. And if there was something about them that I didn’t like, then I would ask for it to be changed or I would just disappear. It’s so strange to understand but a major habit of mine is to run. I am a runner. It is so hard for me to sit and listen to some sh*& that I don’t want to listen to… like REALLY don’t want to listen to. And excuses was always something I couldn’t stand from many men. I think I always wanted the old fashioned chivalry in a sense, but that’s a story for another day.

Him: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Nothing… hbu?”

Him: “Ahh not much, so when can I come over?”

I recently had a conversation with a friend and she told me she feels like she was mad at this man with whom she had a similar conversation with and he was asking to come over. I said to her… “Think about where your decision is ultimately coming from. Is it coming from a place of vulnerability or a place of confidence. If you are dating this man and you’re comfortable with him like that, then don’t let society’s opinions get in the way of your happiness.” By all means, be cautious if you just met the person.

******Now, STOP and read that over again. Got it?*******

Here is how I approached the above scenario:  So, my problem was never them coming over. It was the fact they never asked HOW are you doing? Because how I am doing matters more to me than what I am doing. And to be honest, it should matter to a man thats truly interested in you. And that goes both ways. But you need to communicate that to the person you’re seeing or talking to. Because they might have dealt with a different type of woman that didn’t like the same things you like, etc. 

Here’s something I don’t like: When you say “All Men Cheat”… There isn’t one man on this earth that doesn’t like to be romanced. Men need that. They need the surprise, they need you to allow them to be a man. If you don’t allow them to be a man and do the things THEY are telling you, then don’t be surprised if something comes up. I warned you. But if you are under the belief that ALL MEN CHEAT, please stop. I don’t agree. And it’s making it bad for many men. It is robbing them of true happiness either because they have cheated on someone they were with, or they have never cheated but you are treating them like they did. If someone never did something, then please stop treating them like they did something. It’s not fair. And you will lose them. Then when your man comes to you with the same concerns, its ok for you to be treated differently because you’re a woman? I never really liked those types of judgmental stereotypes. These are our men!! These men are the future for our sons that we give birth to!! Don’t be like that. But I am getting carried away…

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August 24, 2017

Marsha Sweater

Marsha is a long kimono type of sweater. Lightweight, and with slight bat-wing sleeves. This sweater comes in Heather Gray. I chose one color for this sweater because its such a beautiful piece. Size is true to fit.

Care InstructionsWash in cold or warm water, and DO NOT put in the dryer. Hang to dry.

If you’re interested in purchasing this item, click HERE!

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August 24, 2017

I have had the amazing opportunity to cultivate and online shop where you can purchase my artwork, as well as my clothing items directly from me!!! This is so exciting… There is nothing that hasn’t been a success without being stalled first. I was anticipating that I would be all set to release the store for pre-orders in a couple weeks. Truth is, I need more time. I need it to feel like it’s not being rushed. Pre-orders will begin in December with an official launch in January. Please stay tuned. Follow me on IG, Twitter, FB, and Snapchat for Giveaways, Special Promo Codes & more updates on new merchandise/artwork available.

Thank you to all who support!!

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August 24, 2017

At Peace With Yourself


“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” -Romans 12:18

I found this quote today. I correct myself, I think the quote found me. It has been so difficult to adjust to the new way of thinking that promotes peace in your life. Peace in your life is so hard to find, and even harder to keep.

People always say “I don’t want drama”… if you have to make that statement, you more than likely enjoy having drama in your life. I do not feel the need to tell someone that I do not want drama. You can see it. My actions speak to it.

I truly believe if in the mind of someone that is unhappy with themselves or their lives; they believe that they are doing all the right things by “hating” on you and what you are doing. Why is what someone else does so much of our business? Why do we care so much? Why not just worry about what you have going on? It’s too easy to do that. I feel honored when someone decides to talk negatively about me. That means I am renting space in your head, and I welcome that. But it is much healthier to worry about yourself.

I am so excited about this journey of peace that I am on. Everything you do doesn’t need a reaction. It just doesn’t. I no longer want to do things that please other people. I want to be pleased with myself. I want myself to feel like MY SELF. There is your quote of the day from me… “I want myself to be MY SELF.” I believe in manifestation. I truly believe that if you want something to happen you must work to make it happen.

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