Talk to me sweet like you do when I am about to go to sleep. Take me deep into your loving arms and make me whole. I searched long, hard and wide for what I was looking for. Making a route to inhabit the entirety of your heart. I would have captivated you if you had let me. The name by which you call me, I hear. In my dreams; in my heart. I have a way of knowing you are always there, and never turning your back on me. I gave into sleep this time. Thinking that one more ounce of rest would give me every bit of strength I needed to tell you what you mean to me. What you have done for me. How you have cared for me. What you have said about me. How you feel about me. How I feel about you. Thinking in a later sense that I would be quaintly unable to tell you how you feel about me without first seeing what I mean to you through my eyes. Seeing it through my heart. I want you to know everything about me. The way I feel when I am sad. Why so sad? Because you have not been here my whole life to envelop me. And I have been anxiously waiting for you to wrap me in every ounce of love that I deserve. What you deserve. What we deserve.

It was something about your left hand wrapping around my waist that had me thinking in fairytale words. I felt butterflies. Words of dreams. Had I known any better the dream would have been the realest thing that I had ever seen in my life. Knowing that what I see in the subconscious is your hand on my cheek. Your face against mine. Your nook. Your smell. I could find myself reading my poetry to you while you shave in the morning. Is that weird? That I would sooner dream of something like that before I dreamed of taking advantage of you for what you look like? I would sing for you. Would sing with you.

I am a heart that forgives itself over and over again. I had made mistakes by this time in my life that I had to retreat and manage. Knowing my plights were not yours; I had to separate myself from how other people would want me to feel about you. And there wasn’t a loss. Because my heart is always open to the idea of you. I said to myself,

“What is it that you wish more than anything?”

“A chance.”

A chance at something I have never had. Imagining to myself that I had just met you; and I felt a way I had never felt about anyone else. There was something magnetic about you. My heart got so used to seeing you smile. My soul got so used to hearing you breathe. My life got so used to having you in it. And where did you go? Why did you go? But what do I know?

I don’t know how to keep a man

At least that’s what I think. As you removed your arm from my waist, I began to think about how you would be so satisfied with dreaming about a love that has never been yours. Someone you have never been on a date with. Someone that makes even the worst of days look and seem brighter.

I am happy to have met you. Happy to have gauged my feelings about who you are as a person well within the constraints of respect. Honor. Valor. I imagined myself tackling the very parts of you that you wanted me to captivate. Your heart. Telling me that I should have more regard for mine. More regard for myself. More feeling for a love of my own.

I wanted to dance in front of you. Show you a few dips. Throw on some music and imagine I was in a poodle skirt. I was so sure of myself at that time. I was so sure that I could still be thankful for my imagination even if none of it comes true. And if nothing comes of this, just know; this was always the way I really felt about you.

XOXO, El’Aundra

Disclosure: Don’t take things personal when I write them.

Lost in work and it’s 16 hours of stress sometimes. This is the Holidays and definitely a very joyful time of year for many. When I have time to write while I am at work, I do not spare the opportunity. Usually taking a couple of minutes. I truly hope you enjoy.

“Thank God I found you.”

Whisper those words again in my ear.

Just like you did when we connected.

Like two stars in the cosmic atmosphere.

When you said it the first time.

Poetry in my ear and on your skin.

You are my inner force of love.

And strength within.

XOXO, El’Aundra

Disclosure: Don’t take things personal when I write them.

I would have liked to have had more time. More songs to sing. Music being the one thing that allows me to feel free, and comfortable alone on my own. I never understood what it was, that peacefulness. I just passed it up as an energy because of who we were as people. Standing by the tennis courts, talking to my Aunt about work and what we were up against with creative projects. Arguable, it was one of the hardest times of my life. I think it was the not knowing as much as I wanted to know about the past and not being able discern where I had gotten things wrong. I had always loved being outdoors. Being alone in the woods. Roaming the woods with friends. Swimming in the creeks. I have just always loved being the country girl at heart. My desire to be one with nature. I remember the way I felt when I saw that beam of light in front of me. Bright, bright, bright, bright. Neon bright. I had given myself so much credit for being able to drink that in. I remember running up after thinking to myself “You need something to remember me by. I don’t want you to ever forget me.”

I went into my bag. I pulled out a pass to my heart. And I gave it to the wind. Hoping it would carry it away as if to create a world with me in it. The wind heals. The wind carries currents across borders. Crossing the ways of all inhibitions. Creating waves of relief. Creating a thump in my heart. What the wind does to me nobody knows, because I am the only one that feels it. But it took my breath away. Because you are the wind. And it’s taken my heart ever since. I wanted to ask do you know what this is? Is this something and I am just not seeing it? Is the wind trying to speak a love language to me. I don’t want to give up on this. This feeling of delight blanketed around me. It was such an intoxicating experience. As if a man that played the safety position on a football team can create safety for you in your life? Asking myself that. Can you keep me safe like the wind I ask? Can you be a wall, a force for me? When in reality, I have always written in my mind and heart that your husband is the safest man you have been with. The wind is my husband. Safety meaning you would be keeping an overall watch on everything else. Just like the wind. Taking my breath away when you carry me all the way down the field in your hands to reach a goal. It’s the same in life. The wind takes you away. Because you deserve it. And so do I. I deserve the type of love that’s so goddamn beautiful it makes you want to cry. I love the wind. Wiping tears from my eyes as I picked up my scarf off the ground… and the wind loves me.

I would give my heart to you I would. Make a way for you I would. Because you can be safe for me and you should. I tell the truth about how I feel for the greater good. And if I could be made for someone like the wind, I would. Never stray, and always loyal faithful and good. I would not say no to you, trusting in you as the lighthouse on top of the hill shining on the open seas while I navigate the world. Commit to the wind forever I would. Like Pocahontas dancing in the fields, like every woman feeling those butterflies of love should. Wind, to me you are good. Be the wind.

This is fascinating to me because in the rawest form of life I am not perfect. But I do understand some things about birth charts and the spiritual realm. I found this paper and was enamored by what it said about my sign. I remember doing my birth chart with a couple of young girls I was working as residence counselor at a Sexually Trafficked Teen Youth & Runaway Home in NY and had been at home with my family and talking about things that were on your charts. When we were working in the group homes with MH/DD it was also something that was nice to do in activities. Although a lengthy creative process it was fun. I always loved the idea of running an entire series on what I found and sit with other people because they don’t get to when they’re 70 years old in a nursing home.

This person is often quite beautiful with a subtle sense of sensuality. Regular structured fitness and health. Be responsible. Ensure harmony in all unions. Before working out; say a gratitude prayer and have a cup of coffee. After a workout; have a hot shower, followed by a healthy breakfast. Get sun.

Being impatient for the most part they produce a very inharmonious impression and are in disagreement with themselves. Their passionate desire leads them to defeat. They have brightly attractive attractive features. Libra with Aries sun doesn’t want to seem soft, put in a shell of militancy. They could be very nice if they allow themselves this. Usually creatively gifted. The more they are turbulent, the less they need to counteract, or they must shut themselves up in a cell where tension subsides. Then they can create works of art or anything else. The life of their feelings is exaggeratedly emotional, so pauses here are beneficial, and creatively fruitful. Others should treat them with patience…

It’s a stupid genre of repeating.

I look at the phone.

I almost threw up in my sleep.

Almost farted.

All I hear in my ears is classical.

That’s peace.

Classical in my ears.

Around me.

Anything else isn’t leave.

Nowhere nearby.

Disruptive technologies.

The devil uses.

To bring himself down lower.

How it was a couple times.

Long ago.

Was that if a man didn’t realize.

Or recognize.

Or massage my talent.

To sing or write poetry.

And want to invest in me.

And lift me up.

Then they would cheat on me.

And not realizing that they’re investing.

In someone’s sex.

Thinking it’s going to be a bigger payout.

Then my talents.

And I can’t be mad.

If that’s not the person.

I would just move on.

I wasn’t concerned.

With what models they dated.

I cared about who I was.

As a person.

And how I treated and loved myself.

Which then bled to other people.

I don’t think you realize.

How beautiful you are.

I love how your eyes glow.

I love staring at your smile.

You look so much like your parents.

Especially like your mother.

You’re just a beautiful creature.

In this world going around.

Giving light baby.

Sunshine baby.

And it’s the strong ones.

That inspire you.

To fight.

Because we have been insecure.

We have been battered.

We have been used.

Over and over.

We have been used as lessons.

We have been used as inspiration.

We have been used as revenue.

But yet we never get a chance.

To get renewed.

And maybe we haven’t done.

What you have.

But still needed hope.

Still needed peace.

Still needed guidance.

Still needed loyalty.

Still needed trust.

Still needed respect.

Still needed love.

And you chose to banish.

Until you’re banished from their light.

Strong, warm, enclosing light.

Guys, I have to figure out what’s wrong with me. There is something wrong. Let me tell you, I’ll be in my head thinking about something and here I go with a thought. But the thought is fine. It’s the delivery. I have not had this website as a fail safe for a while. It’s been on the ‘under construction’ mode for quite some time. And with that being the case, I was primarily using social media of other forms to post my feelings. Now, all of a sudden last night I had a panic attack at work. It was revelatory and I just kept saying to myself ‘I hate this’. Because I start crying and then my head feels like it’s swelling up. And then

’He found the love of a good woman..’

And in my goodness I will have to say this. I have to say that I will vow love my husband; to conform to the new ways of this world. I must say that I will make it my infinite desire to please him. And my heart is big. My mind is full. My soul is deep. I really feel a little ethereal in this sense. I know. Because I really truly would allow him to have 4 girlfriends. Even if they were my best friends. And we are married. But he knows his boundaries. And I know mine. So he knows himself. And I know me. But we are never without one another. Because our house is a home. It’s just not only a home to us. He accepts the mind body and sexuality I have. He understands that the alternative could also be me marrying 4 men and pleasing all of my husbands making my friends happy too. There’s sooooo many ways this could go. I just want to love and honor him for honoring me. And even if that’s more than one, that’s ok. Because in this world, as beautiful as it is; it’s natural to want to please someone. And sometimes there’s other ways to please that create a nice environment to create confidence love and security to prosper and have deeper more meaningful relationships with people. That’s the real me.

I know I have work to do. I have so much apologizing to do… and it’s something that can be done. Because I really do love more than I hate. I just need the space and time to come back around after certain things in life. And I know that hurts people. But I’m nowhere near perfect. So I just want to focus on a way I can stay stationary as someone that isn’t lost for all of these people who feel like they lost me. Because again, people make mistakes. And I would not be my real self if I said that I couldn’t forgive someone. I have to. And I have to explain myself. And I have to be better and do better. And I have to understand where I went wrong and how I can fix things. Especially if it means how I’m seen sometimes. I’m just saying, there’s a reason God made me who I am. And maybe I have a good foothold on the beginning of some way to find my purpose. Albeit a wife or an rockstar or a model. Inspiration of some sort right?

So going back to the first paragraph, I looked over and asked him ‘Is good the same as nice?’
A good person doesn’t have to be nice. But you can have a good and nice person. And a nice person isn’t necessarily good.

Sometimes I overextend. Blaming you as a man and acting like you’re everyone else. Which you then don’t deserve. Read back to something I posted yesterday when I was having a moment… essentially no. I want to state I was not fair in what I said. It was improperly posted, amongst other things I was addressing; this in particular is my current thought…

I said ‘I’d give you a chance if you were not like the men from my past’

Edit: ‘I’d give you a chance because you wanted the chance and I wanted to give it to you.

That then allows the person to understand they can have an open and honest conversation with you and you are open and receptive enough to receive it.

The former statement makes men not want to be around me. And I know myself. That’s just not me… so as I continue to get comfortable settling back into who I am I figured I would share my thoughts.

I know myself.
I’m sorry.
El’Aundra

It’s as if you’re walking into a room with all eyes on you because they know who you are. The general public is who? There was an idea in my head about a girl who lived in a world watched. And everything she did was on camera. It was seen. They could see what she was doing in her house. They watched. It was a way for income. A way to feed their family. By violating another’s. Never paying attention to the idea that she thought her home was just that; a home. A safe place for her to lay herself. A place for her peace.

He watched intently. As the numbers in his bank account grew he decided ultimately he was going to keep delivering malice. Keep projecting his insecurities about his lack of valor in life onto another human. He should have been shunned, but that justice has yet to be served. He pleases himself at her expense. Good people go about life telling people that they are good so they aren’t alarmed. But after all, she doesn’t realize the very person watching her is someone she works with. The people she works with don’t even protect her.

Little did she know the man who was watching her was a man she was familiar with for so long. Someone she had grown to trust. To love. To cherish. He couldn’t separate himself from his devious ways. He chose to have his way with any woman who would give him attention at her place of work. And so that he knew what he was up against he kept a good eye on her. So people are smiling and laughing. And silence starts to creep around. Because people are starting to notice who is being hurt. They’re thinking that this man loves them. And they come to work feeling like they can share the love. But they don’t share it around her. He tells everyone that he is her past. So they take the sensitive route and neglect to mention particulars about who the person is that they’re falling for. It’s the same person who’s continuing to kill this poor woman. In spirit. In heart. She is one of the most beautiful. In the entire job. So regal and elegant no wonder there are other women who feel unease about her presence. But that’s why he likes them. Because her confidence makes it easy for him to make them think he is the key to their confidence. When in fact he is just a key to their detriment. And the key to their souls, that this man is truly after, is in her eyes.

Telling myself that I felt nothing wrong. Because I didn’t. It felt right. It felt like I was being forced to recall all of the trauma I had experienced in the past and give it to you for your oblivion. Because you are the only one to erase it. Loving me will heal all that you worry won’t be healed. Sometimes you don’t even realize that without the constraints of society I have emotions and feelings in my heart for other people living on this earth. And it would be who of you to sit there wondering what the feeling entailed. But I kept that part to myself. I was silenced. Because you somehow thought I was doing this intentionally. You felt like I was hurting you. And I wasn’t. I was bleeding for love. Not knowing where to turn for the love that I sought. And I thought. I deserved it. Or else why would I be looking so hard right? I fumbled, felt like I had taken a flight on the wild side of failure. I tried to make you fall in love and made you fall into someone else. For reasons that to this day I am unsure of. I tried telling you how I felt. You ignored it. And that didn’t break me, so I kept trying. And kept trying. And then when there was another person who made me feel that warmth, I did the same. Without thinking you might be upset because I didn’t give you a chance to respond. But how much time do you need? How much time does it take to feel me? To absorb me? I don’t want these filters through other people. And my seeking the love painstakingly alone, I tried to tell you I wanted your love. I wanted it so badly I needed to be brought back to life because living without it damn near killed me. It made me feel like I had nothing to do. Nobody to turn to. I just wanted to get a response. Tell me what you feel. How you feel. What you want. Empty silence. Blank wall. Stuck in a trance. I walked around and paced. Back and forth. When the carousel stops, I hope you understand I just wanted my heart to be your theme park. I know my heart can be a rollercoaster. But if you don’t mind, could you be the turbulence in my wings to stabilize me? I’m flying, not weightless until you take this weight off my chest by making my heart soar.

I am thankful to you Lord. Grateful you thought to answer my prayers. Grateful you gave me strength. Grateful you have blessings in store. Grateful to learn lessons in life. Grateful to be a lesson to others. Grateful to be able to spread love. Grateful to be able to love. Grateful for my children. Grateful to be a part of a family. Grateful for life