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Morning Vibe

Posted by elaundra

Guys, I have to figure out what’s wrong with me. There is something wrong. Let me tell you, I’ll be in my head thinking about something and here I go with a thought. But the thought is fine. It’s the delivery. I have not had this website as a fail safe for a while. It’s been on the ‘under construction’ mode for quite some time. And with that being the case, I was primarily using social media of other forms to post my feelings. Now, all of a sudden last night I had a panic attack at work. It was revelatory and I just kept saying to myself ‘I hate this’. Because I start crying and then my head feels like it’s swelling up. And then

’He found the love of a good woman..’

And in my goodness I will have to say this. I have to say that I will vow love my husband; to conform to the new ways of this world. I must say that I will make it my infinite desire to please him. And my heart is big. My mind is full. My soul is deep. I really feel a little ethereal in this sense. I know. Because I really truly would allow him to have 4 girlfriends. Even if they were my best friends. And we are married. But he knows his boundaries. And I know mine. So he knows himself. And I know me. But we are never without one another. Because our house is a home. It’s just not only a home to us. He accepts the mind body and sexuality I have. He understands that the alternative could also be me marrying 4 men and pleasing all of my husbands making my friends happy too. There’s sooooo many ways this could go. I just want to love and honor him for honoring me. And even if that’s more than one, that’s ok. Because in this world, as beautiful as it is; it’s natural to want to please someone. And sometimes there’s other ways to please that create a nice environment to create confidence love and security to prosper and have deeper more meaningful relationships with people. That’s the real me.

I know I have work to do. I have so much apologizing to do… and it’s something that can be done. Because I really do love more than I hate. I just need the space and time to come back around after certain things in life. And I know that hurts people. But I’m nowhere near perfect. So I just want to focus on a way I can stay stationary as someone that isn’t lost for all of these people who feel like they lost me. Because again, people make mistakes. And I would not be my real self if I said that I couldn’t forgive someone. I have to. And I have to explain myself. And I have to be better and do better. And I have to understand where I went wrong and how I can fix things. Especially if it means how I’m seen sometimes. I’m just saying, there’s a reason God made me who I am. And maybe I have a good foothold on the beginning of some way to find my purpose. Albeit a wife or an rockstar or a model. Inspiration of some sort right?

So going back to the first paragraph, I looked over and asked him ‘Is good the same as nice?’
A good person doesn’t have to be nice. But you can have a good and nice person. And a nice person isn’t necessarily good.

Sometimes I overextend. Blaming you as a man and acting like you’re everyone else. Which you then don’t deserve. Read back to something I posted yesterday when I was having a moment… essentially no. I want to state I was not fair in what I said. It was improperly posted, amongst other things I was addressing; this in particular is my current thought…

I said ‘I’d give you a chance if you were not like the men from my past’

Edit: ‘I’d give you a chance because you wanted the chance and I wanted to give it to you.

That then allows the person to understand they can have an open and honest conversation with you and you are open and receptive enough to receive it.

The former statement makes men not want to be around me. And I know myself. That’s just not me… so as I continue to get comfortable settling back into who I am I figured I would share my thoughts.

I know myself.
I’m sorry.
El’Aundra

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