Talent is something I don’t ever run short of. I am ridiculously talented. I have always believed that you have to tell yourself that as a mantra to manifest confidence. It took me such a long time to relay this level of confidence and assurance to myself. I was a little bit too concerned with what people thought of me, my lifestyle, my attitude etc. As I approach 30, I can tell you that I couldn’t give any fucks at all about other people’s opinion of me. I am who I am. Unique AF.

It was an unfortunate past relationship that had me wondering where the hell my life was headed. I felt as if my personality was suffocated during this time and everything revolved around this person. I started losing myself. And eventually lost him… but to this day I can’t say I regret losing him or the relationship. I DON’T CARE. In order for you to get to where I am at with truly being “self-centered” (centered on yourself is not a crime people), you have some serious work to put in. Start making time for yourself.

It wasn’t until a person I had met once or twice had approached me and said “I follow your blog Elle, why don’t you do that as a career? Like why don’t you get a degree in that?”

I replied: “Hello____. Glad to see you are doing well. Um… If I wanted to do that, I would. I like Nursing for completely different reasons, and make my choice to do Nursing and my blog solely based on what I want. But thanks.”

The audacity of some people. I wanted to say “Why don’t you leave me the hell alone?” or even a simple “None of your business.” But professionalism is best served with a side of sarcasm and attitude. I delivered my speech to that person as I wanted. And to this day I have asked myself the same question but never doubting where I want to go with my life. It amazes me the inquisitive nature of some people.

There are always going to be people who say “Why don’t you become _______”, or “Why don’t you do _______.” Please pay no attention to those people. They are surely curious. Be confident in what you are choosing for yourself. You are the only person who can change yourself.

As for me, I will continue to do Photography, Blogging, Vlogging, Makeup, Nursing, Writing, Baking, Cooking, and even the occasional pumping of my own gas. 🙂 But seriously, Live your life the way you want.

Be Well,

Elle

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Center Yourself

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” –Aldous Huxley

In most cases, people are extremely unaware of the impact they can have on someone. I am guilty of this myself. But more often than not, we should think about the realms to which we exist. Where do we go from here? What can we do? Think of these things the next time you bite the hand that feeds you for example.

A common practice is that of being vindictive to another human being. Why? Why are you even wasting your time? Let the universe and karma take its course and see what happens. I am a firm believer that if you step back from a situation that you want to react with vindictiveness, and dont insert yourself, you will see the “karma” come. It may not come in a day, a month or a year. But it will come. We all pay for what we do to another person in one form or another.

In my own personal experience, I thought that by loaning a friend money (that I barely had, and was a single parent at the time) I was helping out a friend. That “sure no problem” would be honored with my money being repaid to me. It was a substantial amount of money too. If it was $50… that’s not really a big deal. But I am talking 6 times that amount. BIG DEAL!!  That was 4 years ago. I haven’t seen one cent. The biggest thing with me being your friend is that if you are a true friend of mine, I will try my hardest to do right by you. Sure, we don’t want to see our friends suffer but if someone helps you out please pay it forward. I guess I considered myself to be “petty” for a little while and then I was like no, I am not being petty. I am being real. I am just feeling what any normal person would feel. Monthly payments? Nope. Pay when taxes come? Nope. This is something that at this point in time, I am learning to let go. I have learned to not let people “borrow” anything from me. Money or otherwise. A friend of mine told me (a year after this ordeal happened) that you can always tell the state of mind and lifestyle someone is living by their actions. In other words. I was being asked for money. And if someone goes around asking people for money all the time, then you should think twice about their life and wonder why. We all have ups and downs but doing the right thing (in life and by people) will bring good karma, and we will continue to be prosperous more than we will continue to suffer. But once you roll the ball of suffering, it is a down hill battle from there and it is very hard to stop that motion.

Improve yourself guys. Look deep inside you and think “What can I fix with ME?”

Until a later time…

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The Denial

The hardest conflict to resolve is the one within yourself
– El’Aundra Dolce –

I always was told if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought everything that HE thought was wrong with me was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else.

I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to feel like I was crazy. As if I was the one who needed him in order to succeed in life. As if I was nothing without him and there was nobody better for me than him. The sad thing is that I started to believe it. I had gotten so out of shape because of how he was making me feel about myself and I started to notice people weren’t as attracted to me anymore. It was harder to make friends. It was harder to carry on a conversation about what I wanted in life and where my life was headed because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t know myself and I wasn’t able to discern whether it was because I had simply lost who I was or if I had just adopted how someone else felt about me as well as losing who I was.

There was no way for me to find out other than using time as my vice grip. It was the only thing that saved me. Time led me into learning more and more about the outcome of my decisions in that relationship. I saw the outcome of my good deeds when it pertained to him and they were hardly anything other than negative. I chose to sit and ponder my place in life with him as my master.

It wasn’t that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Rather, it was that I had given up on my wherewithal to get there. I didn’t have the energy to get there nor did I believe in myself enough to see that all I needed to propel myself forwards was strength, and nothing more.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and everyday dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and everyday dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

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The Way I Feel

I had given it so much thought.
– El’Aundra Dolce –

So much of what I am is strong. I think given my complacent nature about many other things, and so amped up about what I’m strong about handling actually balances out. I can sit here and lie telling myself I am weak and I need to go harder, cry longer, and dig deeper. Because at the end of the day I am not built like any other woman that I have met. And other people know that and use it against me by betraying me in more ways than one. Because they know I am innocent. I am innocent of greed that calculates into negative. I am innocent of lustful attractions towards those who mistreat me. I am not completely sure it’s natural for people to say that to themselves. But for me it just comes naturally. I am sitting in a bed in a woman’s shelter. I have taken weeks and turned them into progress. I am moving into an apartment that will be considered my place of movement. The fact that I am able to sit and remain calculated in the bigger picture further proves my point.

There was a period in time recently where I didn’t have a cell phone and instead of being angry I was focusing in. I am still not getting my own personal life right if I am without a phone due to the people I am around the most. 

I couldn’t believe the girl that I thought was cool enough to leave alone around some of my most prize possessions would steal something from me. It was quite uncomfortable for me to continue to look at her. How irritating it was for me to go through. They then became suspect. My iPhone 7+ had the logicboard fail in it yesterday and I am without any of the funds needed to fix it… at least right now. I do however possess the skill and tools to fix it on my own without a large expense. I am going to go without a smartphone for the remainder of time I have until I am able to access my storage and get the tools needed to fix my broken iPhone. I will not be on social media other than to write. I am done. I need to center myself and the only way to do that is cut myself of every situation and person that is taking from me and draining me. I cant say that I haven’t tried to be patient and kind and reserved and modest in my efforts to be a good person. I have done all of those things. But the fact of the matter is that the more I continue to do for others without doing for myself, the more I am going to fail at my own hardships.

The Universe is telling me that if I don’t receive the message this time that I need to focus on myself and getting where I need and want to be personally; I will be stripped until I have nothing. And I will have done it because of my own fault. Because I am giving more to others than I am giving to myself. I am not here right now for them. I am not in Syracuse for them. I am here for my son. To claim my son because pain done to him is pain to me. And pain to me is beyond pain to him. It is killing him. If you have read anything about how I gave birth to my son, you would know that I love that little boy unconditionally.

Making a way out of here to be able to do everything that I need to do is the most important to me. I have been looking at apartments in specific areas and I want to be able to be close to those I know I can count on and can count on me. Now that I have my eye on an apartment, I will do what I have to do in order to get squared away with getting into it and making it to the next milestone.

I am ready.

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The Notion

the-notion

“Those were in my corner actually weren’t; they were in it the mix for their own benefit.”

I remember an ex would tell me not to take things to heart and that I needed to change everything about me because it wasn’t good enough…A friend that I thought was a friend accused me of something that is completely out of my character. I met someone new once and they would tell me not to swear so much…There was no freedom in who I was as a person and who I wanted to be. And that was evident by how those were around me were treating me because of how I felt about myself.

“The problem we have is our lack to empathize with other people. The fact that we are too expecting of them to change instead of taking them as they are”.

Do not try to change something about someone that in nature isn’t threatening to you. Do not try to change something about someone to accommodate you. Do not change the things about that person that make them who they are. If someone doesn’t suit me, it’s ok. I will keep the shit moving because I am in no position to lose sleep over how someone else feels or doesn’t feel about me.

Imagine yourself walking through a path we call life, and how you treat or feel about yourself determines how ‘sticky’ your skin is.

In other words, if you have low self esteem, your body is covered in stickiness because everything you encounter is going to stick to you. Why? Because of how you feel about yourself. On the other side, if you have a high self esteem, your body isn’t sticky at all. You might encounter one or two feathers along the way that stick to you.. but for the most part nothing sticks to you. Your “layer” gets thicker because of the feathers. Each and every feather that is on you is masking what’s underneath… the true you. Every feather represents someone else’s opinion about you. And if you know anything about feathers (thankfully I do lol); every single feather is not like another. The same is true for each person’s perspective, thoughts of you and what they say about you based on that information. So what do you do? If you had to pick each feather off of your body one by one, that would take a lot of time right? It would even take a bit of self discovery for you to get the courage to get rid of the feathers weighing you down, but eventually you would realize how much other people and their thoughts and opinions don’t fucking matter. Eventually a ‘weight’ would be lifted off of you.

Stop letting other people who feel like shit about themselves bring you down. It’s not fair to you to sit down and take someone else’s shit just because they think you deserve it. There isn’t a reason in this world that you cant say no to allowing those feathers stick to you. It is important for you to understand that your love for yourself takes over the love someone else has for you. The science behind that is really about loving yourself and letting that radiate. Everything else will follow.

A date a couple months ago involved a conversation that went like this:

The guy said “I don’t like women who drink.”

I stared at him for a second…”Care to elaborate?”

“I just don’t like women who drink. I think its a nasty habit. My mother was an alcoholic…” he said

So, I took another sip of my fucking Jameson on the rocks and proceeded to enjoy the hell out of that sip. I looked at him and then looked at his beer. Yup, you read right. He had a motherfuckin beer! I couldn’t believe this douchebag. Here’s what I said: “So what you’re saying is your mother was an alcoholic, and because of that you feel the need to put a sexist one sided standard on women you encounter? I am not your mother, and I just don’t think that’s a fair thing to say.” I never called him again.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

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Unraveled

unraveled

I always assumed that pain was a part of life. I mean, when you go to the dentist they offer the option to numb the pain. Who really says “No thanks!! I wont take the Lidocaine today!” I tend to be hurt by the things I cannot change.

It was such a gloomy boring day for me. My mom was getting married. I remember my look on my face in the prison photo she has of all of us standing there. I was the only one without a smile. That day there wasn’t one to be found. My heart hurts when I think about why I was given this life with all of the struggles in it. And when I told people, they would always say

“Go write a book!”

As if that’s the easiest thing in the world to do. And do I have the patience to sit and do that? The answer was of course hell no at the time, but now I am looking at it differently. My grandmother died in 2005. On December 31. I am numb on Christmas Eve. She took care of my brother and I when my mother lost custody of us. But even with her, she was always on my ass about something. Always riding my ass. I mean, I just could not get a break. My brother was a kiss ass on the other hand and was treated as such. So when I turned old enough to go live with my mom I jumped. I mean, what teenager wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to go live with a parent that didn’t really keep an eye on you? This was back in the AOL Dial-Up Internet days. When chat rooms were so cool. To think that there were probably 42 year old creeps behind the screens. So I packed my things and went to go live with my mom. It felt like freedom. I guess it felt like love too. I don’t think about it now without tears coming. That was really all I wanted from that woman. Was real, honest love.

When she met her husband (to whom she is still married to), we were the first to know his credentials. Which were not impressive by any means. He was in prison for murder. Cold blooded murder. Ahhh, our stomachs were turned the fuck out. We “liked” him because we didn’t really have a choice. She kind of forced it on us. And even when we lived with her when she moved to live closer to the prison he was in, she would try and get us to go on what they like to call “trailers” (visits that prisoners can get with their families and the family stays in the “trailer”. It could be a dorm type of room too). I never went. I was scared.  She would try and ground us if we didn’t go. That shit was not flying with me.

My beauty had a jump around 17 and 18. Always got attention. Tall, long legs, yellow-boned, long hair… I had it going on. And so her husband would make some really disrespectful comments sometimes. I could never understand why. I can’t say that I was naive I just didn’t think it would happen to me. I remember one day she came and talked to me about her husband wanting her to start a “photography” business. I was always into photography. But this wasn’t the click and send to a gallery type of photography. She was talking about taking pictures of us (My sister and I). My sister was 15 at the time. I was 17. I was floored. What? What? Whatttttt???? My answer was no. Even when she tried to hook me up with another prisoner there. My answer was no. My sister has always been gifted. A kind heart for sure. Too kind. And she’s unaware of the ways of the world so her mind has always been a couple steps behind. When my mom asked her she obliged… To anything she asked. I felt the guilt. I knew what it was like to be controlled by this woman. Hell, being the oldest of 6; I knew her better than anyone. But how could she? How could she do that to her daughter?

It came time for another trailer and my mom asked my sister if she was going to go. To which she said yes. I never had good feelings about these bullshit “visits”. It later came out, when we were grown and on our own that something happened to my sister. See, to understand where the story is headed, you have to understand where it began…

My mother has an amazing voice. And the story is that she had a full scholarship to Juliard contingent on her graduating high school. She had dreams of being an Opera singer. Those dreams never became a reality because she got pregnant at 17 with me. The spiral was all downhill from there. Drugs were appealing to most people back then and she was no exception. They began to consume her life. And so she lost custody of me when I was almost 2. She never regained it from there. And I don’t believe she ever really tried. My grandmother told us at a very young age about my mother’s mental illness. With my grandmother having a degree in Psychology, it was something that she was familiar with. Schizophrenia. I remember the word being a very long one. Being a Spelling Bee champ, even I had some difficulty with it when I first tried to say it. Nana was forthcoming with the description of Schizophrenia. I remember “Multiple Personalities” being one of the key points. Her explanation for that fit my mom’s behavior to a T. Her radical ups and downs. And it seemed like she would just “switch.” The switching wasn’t discreet that’s for sure. It was very noticeable. I always felt ashamed of the way my mother would act sometimes. So ashamed… I hated going out in public with her. I hated when she would talk to us in that horrible way. It was all a mess. One thing I can say is that nothing is as it seems with that woman. She will say one thing and mean another. Which is why when she came into my room that night and said “Lonnie, I need to talk to you”, I was apprehensive. The talk surfaced and concerned a trailer that she had just gotten off of and my sister had gone on. “She wants to fuck my husband and I am not having it! That is so disgusting. She acts like a little whore. My husband wanted to try something with her but he said she was too fat for him.”

By now your mind is reeling right? You read right. “So you’re saying your husband was going to have sex with her?”

“No”, she stated with firm irritation. “She was coming onto him and he refused.” From there I just wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible. I was disgusted. I’m pretty sure I just dismissed her entirely (as usual) and went about my business.

Now, this conversation transpired over 10 years ago. But my mind put something together. I remember all the times my mom would be like “Night, I am going to bed.” and we would sneak out of the house. She was heavily medicated and on sleeping pills which would knock her the fuck out. To the point you could shake her and she wasn’t waking. So in some cases… if you have a script for a medication, you can take that medication on a trailer with you so long as it’s in the original bottle and you have the pamphlet that shows the photograph of the pill. Well… I thought to myself a couple years ago, “If she was knocked out like that when she’s sleeping how does she know her husband didn’t do anything to my sister while my mom was sleeping?” This was especially a possibility after going through what I went through with his creepiness. I always maintained a level of IDGAF when it came to her and her husband. But I didn’t believe what she said about my sister. When I asked my sister she denied it and I would just tell her that if she needed to talk then I was here.

If she needed to talk. Those few words have burned a hole in my soul ever since.

My phone number hasn’t changed in so long. Which is a good thing. Shows stability right? Not always. In this case it showed vulnerability. The phone call that I got was nowhere near the type of call I wanted. The conversation was heavy, sticky, and dark. It was him. Her husband. Let’s fast forward to the part that matters. The rest is filler and will be in another segment.  “Have you ever fantasized about someone and never been able to tell them?”

“No” I said

“Well what would you do if you did? Would you tell them?”

“Huh?” I said. I really had no fucking idea what this moron was talking about.

“Well I am the type to be blunt and tell it like it is. I’m not going to beat around the bush. I have fantasized about you ever since I met you.”

Those words were like little knives in my skin. I was 13 when he met me. T H I R T E E N.  “Don’t ever call me again. Lose my number. I don’t ever want anything to do with you.” That red button to end the call couldn’t be pressed quick enough. My heart sank. I felt violated. Alone. Ashamed.

The conversation with my mom went the way that most conversations go when girls come to their mom and say that their husband has touched, fantasized or violated them. I mean, think about it… How many stories have you heard where the mom was supportive, strong and took her daughters side and divorced the sick fuck? Hardly ever. I will never forget the words that came out of her mouth… “Well, I don’t know what he said because I wasn’t there. He said he didn’t say that and I believe my husband. He wouldn’t do something like that. Why would he be interested in you anyways?!”

Well my sentiments exactly. I felt like I lost 2000 brain cells after talking with her about this. She was so oblivious. The conversation stopped there. Forward to now, I got a phone call from her. She was asking about my kids and wondering how they were doing (pretending to care). I told her they are fine. She said “I wish I could move up there and help you but my husband said he doesn’t want to deal with any drama”

“What are you talking about drama ?”

“Well the stuff with the letter.”

“What letter? Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You know, when you wrote that letter to him.”

“Well it wasn’t a letter at all, so lets get rid of that idea. And it was when he called me and told me he has fantasized about me since he met me.”

“Well either way, he said he doesn’t want any drama. He would never come right out and say that I couldn’t move up there but I just know he doesn’t want any drama. You know? I wasn’t there to see or hear anything so I don’t know what was said.”

I couldn’t get off that phone and end that conversation soon enough. Typical response. Typical reaction

I said goodbye. I think I meant it this time. I want that word to mean something to me. And as long as I continue to allow to be treated like shit by her and her husband, “goodbye” will always be a temporary end to a conversation. I want it to be permanent.

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At Peace with Yourself

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August 24, 2017

Unleashed Men Doodles

Here’s something about me: I like to say “I want to understand ________” And it’s true. I definitely do want to understand the majority of things. So, here is my latest question marked mind-boggling scenario.

I remember the very heightened part of my dating life. And believe me it was fun. But I would study the reactions and responses from men I was dating. And if there was something about them that I didn’t like, then I would ask for it to be changed or I would just disappear. It’s so strange to understand but a major habit of mine is to run. I am a runner. It is so hard for me to sit and listen to some sh*& that I don’t want to listen to… like REALLY don’t want to listen to. And excuses was always something I couldn’t stand from many men. I think I always wanted the old fashioned chivalry in a sense, but that’s a story for another day.

Him: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Nothing… hbu?”

Him: “Ahh not much, so when can I come over?”

I recently had a conversation with a friend and she told me she feels like she was mad at this man with whom she had a similar conversation with and he was asking to come over. I said to her… “Think about where your decision is ultimately coming from. Is it coming from a place of vulnerability or a place of confidence. If you are dating this man and you’re comfortable with him like that, then don’t let society’s opinions get in the way of your happiness.” By all means, be cautious if you just met the person.

******Now, STOP and read that over again. Got it?*******

Here is how I approached the above scenario:  So, my problem was never them coming over. It was the fact they never asked HOW are you doing? Because how I am doing matters more to me than what I am doing. And to be honest, it should matter to a man thats truly interested in you. And that goes both ways. But you need to communicate that to the person you’re seeing or talking to. Because they might have dealt with a different type of woman that didn’t like the same things you like, etc. 

Here’s something I don’t like: When you say “All Men Cheat”… There isn’t one man on this earth that doesn’t like to be romanced. Men need that. They need the surprise, they need you to allow them to be a man. If you don’t allow them to be a man and do the things THEY are telling you, then don’t be surprised if something comes up. I warned you. But if you are under the belief that ALL MEN CHEAT, please stop. I don’t agree. And it’s making it bad for many men. It is robbing them of true happiness either because they have cheated on someone they were with, or they have never cheated but you are treating them like they did. If someone never did something, then please stop treating them like they did something. It’s not fair. And you will lose them. Then when your man comes to you with the same concerns, its ok for you to be treated differently because you’re a woman? I never really liked those types of judgmental stereotypes. These are our men!! These men are the future for our sons that we give birth to!! Don’t be like that. But I am getting carried away…

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August 24, 2017

Marsha Sweater

Marsha is a long kimono type of sweater. Lightweight, and with slight bat-wing sleeves. This sweater comes in Heather Gray. I chose one color for this sweater because its such a beautiful piece. Size is true to fit.

Care InstructionsWash in cold or warm water, and DO NOT put in the dryer. Hang to dry.

If you’re interested in purchasing this item, click HERE!

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August 24, 2017

I have had the amazing opportunity to cultivate and online shop where you can purchase my artwork, as well as my clothing items directly from me!!! This is so exciting… There is nothing that hasn’t been a success without being stalled first. I was anticipating that I would be all set to release the store for pre-orders in a couple weeks. Truth is, I need more time. I need it to feel like it’s not being rushed. Pre-orders will begin in December with an official launch in January. Please stay tuned. Follow me on IG, Twitter, FB, and Snapchat for Giveaways, Special Promo Codes & more updates on new merchandise/artwork available.

Thank you to all who support!!

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August 24, 2017

At Peace With Yourself


“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” -Romans 12:18

I found this quote today. I correct myself, I think the quote found me. It has been so difficult to adjust to the new way of thinking that promotes peace in your life. Peace in your life is so hard to find, and even harder to keep.

People always say “I don’t want drama”… if you have to make that statement, you more than likely enjoy having drama in your life. I do not feel the need to tell someone that I do not want drama. You can see it. My actions speak to it.

I truly believe if in the mind of someone that is unhappy with themselves or their lives; they believe that they are doing all the right things by “hating” on you and what you are doing. Why is what someone else does so much of our business? Why do we care so much? Why not just worry about what you have going on? It’s too easy to do that. I feel honored when someone decides to talk negatively about me. That means I am renting space in your head, and I welcome that. But it is much healthier to worry about yourself.

I am so excited about this journey of peace that I am on. Everything you do doesn’t need a reaction. It just doesn’t. I no longer want to do things that please other people. I want to be pleased with myself. I want myself to feel like MY SELF. There is your quote of the day from me… “I want myself to be MY SELF.” I believe in manifestation. I truly believe that if you want something to happen you must work to make it happen.

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Unleashed Men Doodles

unleashed-men-doodles

Here’s something about me: I like to say “I want to understand ________” And it’s true. I definitely do want to understand the majority of things. So, here is my latest question marked mind-boggling scenario.

I remember the very heightened part of my dating life. And believe me it was fun. But I would study the reactions and responses from men I was dating. And if there was something about them that I didn’t like, then I would ask for it to be changed or I would just disappear. It’s so strange to understand but a major habit of mine is to run. I am a runner. It is so hard for me to sit and listen to some sh*& that I don’t want to listen to… like REALLY don’t want to listen to. And excuses was always something I couldn’t stand from many men. I think I always wanted the old fashioned chivalry in a sense, but that’s a story for another day.

Him: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Nothing… hbu?”

Him: “Ahh not much, so when can I come over?”

I recently had a conversation with a friend and she told me she feels like she was mad at this man with whom she had a similar conversation with and he was asking to come over. I said to her… “Think about where your decision is ultimately coming from. Is it coming from a place of vulnerability or a place of confidence. If you are dating this man and you’re comfortable with him like that, then don’t let society’s opinions get in the way of your happiness.” By all means, be cautious if you just met the person.

******Now, STOP and read that over again. Got it?*******

Here is how I approached the above scenario:  So, my problem was never them coming over. It was the fact they never asked HOW are you doing? Because how I am doing matters more to me than what I am doing. And to be honest, it should matter to a man thats truly interested in you. And that goes both ways. But you need to communicate that to the person you’re seeing or talking to. Because they might have dealt with a different type of woman that didn’t like the same things you like, etc. 

Here’s something I don’t like: When you say “All Men Cheat”… There isn’t one man on this earth that doesn’t like to be romanced. Men need that. They need the surprise, they need you to allow them to be a man. If you don’t allow them to be a man and do the things THEY are telling you, then don’t be surprised if something comes up. I warned you. But if you are under the belief that ALL MEN CHEAT, please stop. I don’t agree. And it’s making it bad for many men. It is robbing them of true happiness either because they have cheated on someone they were with, or they have never cheated but you are treating them like they did. If someone never did something, then please stop treating them like they did something. It’s not fair. And you will lose them. Then when your man comes to you with the same concerns, its ok for you to be treated differently because you’re a woman? I never really liked those types of judgmental stereotypes. These are our men!! These men are the future for our sons that we give birth to!! Don’t be like that. But I am getting carried away…

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It matters

Everyday is a reminder of how strong I truly am when it comes to this. I guess if the situation was handled by someone else, they would have allowerd the legos to fall a long time ago, said those 3 words and gotten carried away with emotions and careless actions. But I can’t let that happen. We are great at what we are and what he wants is what we are right now. The question of if and when we would be more has crossed my mind so many times my brain is numb. The fact that his smile could undress me is paramount. And the scent of his skin (not his cologne) makes me dizzy with anticipation of touching him. The reality is that there are so many men out there is known to me. But why wait for him? Because he is worth it. And the worst thing that could be said is know. I have been strong enough to keep how I really feel to myself, and I know I will be strong enough to continue doing so. It’s spending the night, insatiable passion and deep conversations fit for friends that have been so since they were toddlers. No denying that the love I feel for him is stronger than 100 spider webs, but I can’t help but wonder; am I making a mistake?

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