Journal

July Mornings

Flashback to a time where I was fluidly moving. Living in my passion for the arts and taking control of it. Until I met a man who believed a woman’s place was much different; just as much as I believed I needed to sacrifice my passion and creativity to keep someone. Apprehensive, yet curious I wanted to see if I could change that view in his mind. I got caught up on ideals that weren’t mine, expectations I didn’t want to be part of and became a woman I now don’t even recognize. I felt like there was nothing left. I feel like theres more than ever now. Whether I am alone or not.

Inside my soul it’s like silk sheets of Gold. I feel just as warm as the Bourbon in my hands.

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I became less concerned with how someone looked and more concerned with how they looked at me as I came into self over time. it was my waking up to the fact that I was repeatedly getting my heart broken by even the best looking of men. I was still crying over the GQ model…

There was always room for improvement in how I treated myself. I think if I really truly loved myself as much as I thought I did at certain times; I wouldn’t have tolerated the moments where I sat as a second option to someone. Is it true that they must go out into the world and discover the rarity in something special they once had and only then is it; that they realize the girl they once had was actually ‘the one’? I am exhausted just typing that sentence. It’s an even more exhausting thing to go through…mentally and physically. I have been there, done that a few times. I want to know he loves me when I look at him. I want to be able to feel like he’s there for all the right reasons. That’s what scares me. Someone who isn’t there for the right reasons.

Playing with my emotions was a theme with so many that I had gone on dates with or even briefly talked to. Mixed messages, stringing alongs, lies, deception, etc. (I have played with people’s emotions as well before; but I am not trying to paint from that perspective right now.) I think it hurt ten times as much when they would hide me. I felt that shit. Every. Single. Time. And it hurt like a motherfucker. What I didn’t realize at the time is that (the right) man for me would be proud to show me off. A REAL MAN would want to show me off. He wouldn’t WANT to hide me at home. And he would not be the type of person who felt like he owned me.

It wasn’t fair to me when I was treated like that. It really wasn’t. It was pretty fucked up honestly. I remember how my heart hurt after each time I met someone who was just plain awful when it came to being true and honest. And there were times that they themselves were so fucked up in their personal webs of lies that they just had me caught in it. I am no claim to having patience for nonsense and cut that shit quicker than a stray thread. But it’s about who you associate yourself with. There was one who was about 35 years old at the time and had no desire to have more in life. I was about 25. The difference in mindset was so vast. And because he did not want much for himself, he couldn’t understand my wanting more for my own personal achievement.

All he could understand is everything he wanted for himself. There was no further outlook into what we could want together or even what I wanted. I’d given just about everything I could give when it came to suppressing myself. I didn’t necessarily think it was easy, but I didn’t think it would take as much of a toll on me that it did . He wanted me to hide parts of myself that I was proud of. He wanted me to change pieces of me that I thought fit perfectly.

It wasn’t until recently that I confirmed it for the 129,543rd time that I am not meant to be with that person. Not now, and not ever.

Looking back, I just remember how naive I was to it. How accepting I was of him acting like he could find better. He would say it. Although I didn’t believe it; and still don’t. The evidence is clear. I was the best many of them ever had.

But those lessons carry me through everything I deal with now. And these are the men who apologize now and want to get back together with me. And wouldn’t you love to know what I tell them? I tell them no. I want better. I want someone who just knows he needs to hold on to me while he has me because he might never get that chance again. I don’t want someone who finally realized they made a mistake in how they treated me years prior; asking for a second chance. I’m glad for your sake that you matured and apologize. But I’m good on that beloved.

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One thing I hated the most was seeing all these pictures of women on IG who ‘lost weight’ and actually comparing myself to them. (Yes, I have done that too).

Not knowing that the presentation was only for show. It wasn’t real most of the time. Most of them were women who were exaggerating the weight they lost, manipulating photos or having shortcut surgeries. I felt like none of those were options. Because in the end, not one would come out to serve me.

Ancient insecurities spoke evil in my ear. “You can’t.” I told myself I would be fine if I just ‘did what they did.’ They being the general conglomerate of people who had a disposition nothing like mine. See the insanity? That was in the beginning.

I learned that I needed to do more. I needed to know more. I needed to ultimately prove more to myself. I was not what those ignorant bitches (who didn’t know shit about me) called me in the break room. Little did they know my fat (and non-fat) ass would sand those bitches down like 100 grit. But I kept it to myself. I played the role ‘he’ told me I should play.

After all, that’s a large part of what got me here in the first place. All the ‘he’s’… constant pleasing of the ‘HE’, Never truly concerned about ‘SHE,’ She was me. She wasn’t he. And even though he claimed to love me, love wasn’t tearing me up from the inside out. Truth is most men will never know how to love me. I am not regular, that much I know.

It went to show that I needed to dive deeper into the actions that made me digress in this manner. Common sense told me it was the mind that needed working first because that was the first to be destroyed. With the cheating, the lies, the disloyalty, the deception, the gaslighting. Had me creating an alternative personality or version of myself that was contrary to my natural self; because me in my element clearly wasn’t good enough for him. I mean he needed others right?

(On my blog, Coveted Archives Podcast and Youtube Channel I discuss exactly what the fuck that was like. I’m talking deep into gaslighting to the point you question your every goddamn move)

I digress…

I no longer give a fuck what his reason was. I’ve done it before too. I’m pretty sure he didn’t give a fuck about my reason then either. It was the guilt from cheating on the one man that could have been “the one”…it was the constant, repetitive stages of grief because those closest to me were leaving this earth. It left me to figure it all out. It was the empty promises and unrequited love from a man that promised I was his next. It was the friends who secretly didn’t want anything but to see me on their level… never above to care for them if they stayed below. It was the men claiming to be interested in my mom or married but checking for me. It was falling out of a 3rd story window at 3 years old; left with a Traumatic Brain Injury. Having to learn how to talk, walk and function all over again. It was the boy who’s head I slammed into the locker Junior year of High School because he called me a ‘nigger bitch.’ It was the writings on the bathroom wall threatening to violate the bitch who fucked my boyfriend Senior year too. It was Stage 1A cervical cancer.

Weight even a therapist couldn’t manage. I had so much pride in myself that I refused to give it to God. Thinking or assuming he couldn’t manage the damage. Hadn’t he managed it in the first place? If you’ve read thus far, you have witnessed a miracle. People don’t appreciate a miracle until they see it standing in front of them. And even then, what do you choose? Do you acknowledge and respect the miracle or do you disregard it? My flame retardant soul won’t allow your decision to affect my future. And clearly God hasn’t either.

She didn’t need to understand the meaning of life; it was enough to find someone who did, and then fall asleep in his arms and sleep as a child sleeps; knowing that someone stronger than you is protecting you from all evil and danger.

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Journal

Conforming to Thoughts

I spent a good majority of my life conforming to what others thought of me. It was never sincerely what I really wanted to do. My mom always had a very innate ability to sing better than Prince on any day. But when it came to me humming along to the tune in the car while we were driving somewhere, it never conquered. And when she told me that I had a beautiful voice, it quickly slithered in one ear and out the other. But with the most apparent thoughts at hand, I was able to continue agreeing that there was a talent that I possessed. I just wasn’t sure if singing was it. When it came to art projects in school that were given as fun for others, I took them seriously. And I took them home. Although I understand that every parent wants to keep every picture that their kid draws, I felt good to give my mom the pictures that I spent 45 minutes drawing. And she tried to stick with the ownership of the pictures as long as she possibly could. But the reality of the situation is that it just wasn’t possible for her to keep each and every picture that I drew her. But I know she saw them, and to me that was enough. She began to understand just how talented I really was. And just how far this talent could take me. Should I accept the challenge to pursue this. I remember having conversations with my mom about what I wanted to do for college, and what I wanted to be. It was apparent to me that I had no truly clear idea. But I knew that art would somehow be included in my life. And even if we get separated, and we come back to each other; art and I had a real love. And it was a true, rockhard love. But as I sat in that chair and explained to my mother that art wasn’t really something that I wanted to pursue as a career at the moment because I felt like there wasn’t enough money in the profession. Which isn’t entirely true. But far be it from me to dig deeper into the solution at that point.

My mother nodded her head. She understood where I was coming from. Even as a senior in high school, I hadn’t figured out what I wanted to do. And as life continued unravel for me, I knew I would be closer to discovering that. Even after having my daughter I still wasn’t sure what was meant for me. Walking down that road we call uncertainty, I just wanted to know more and more about myself. I wanted to know what was out there for me to make my mark. What is it it that’s going to give me that wholesome fulfilling sensation that what I’m doing is a perfect fit for me and my life? And so I knocked on more than one door, with each one returning circumstances that were less than expected. I thought I had finally figured out what I wanted to do when I hit the blogging world. Even as I consumed myself in my website and the mainstream media frenzy over blogging; I knew there was more that I wanted to do. There was more that I wanted to conquer. And so I would often ask myself what can you possibly conquer out in the world if you can’t conquer yourself? And the thing is that I hadn’t even begun to figure out who I was. With more than one person allowing me to have their full support; I knew it wouldn’t be long before I figured out my life. But was that enough? Was it enough that even with a short army behind me, I would still have to find out about ME? I wouldn’t be able to only look at myself through their eyes. I would have to look at myself. I would have to look at every single part of me and discover the reasons for why I am the way that I am. A self discovery like this came at a hard time because of other things that I had going on in my life. But it only allowed me to sustain more discipline when it came to me needing myself to depend on. Many lessons were learned as a result of this journey. The main lesson that I learned is that it is very important for me to keep a belief in myself. A belief in myself that is stronger than any belief that someone else could have in me. But this has been the hardest thing for me to learn. All because of what I have been through. How can you love yourself completely if you blame yourself for some things that go wrong in your life? And where do you start? 

I began to stop looking at myself in such a negative manner. It was disrespectful to myself to keep living a lie. I am not as out of shape as I think I am. The flaws that I don’t like are things that I need to be proud of. Things that I need to sit down and embrace. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself all those affirmations that would make me feel like I was important. I felt fine with insulting myself on the regular, and pointing out flaws about myself that were really nothing to be ashamed of in the first place. But I thought that because I was comparing myself to other people, that they were flaws that were real. And that they were flaws that I needed to correct to feel better about myself. But little did I know that I needed to solve the root of the problem. And the problem was that I was comparing myself to other people and allowing how they look/feel/act to dictate my life and what I think about me. Instead of building me up and giving me confidence, it was breaking my spirit. I am fine with who and what I am. And I am coming into that discovery now. But it’s something that I definitely wish I had taken the time to find out earlier in life. Whenever you think you aren’t worthy of something, or there are things you don’t like about yourself or doubt yourself or anything that you do, think about what this is doing to yourself. Think about it as a garden that you are constantly subjecting to harsh weather conditions. If it is constantly snowing and raining and hailing on this garden, whatever is being grown in the garden is going to be ruined. Thus is the same for us. If we’re constantly subject ourselves to “harsh conditions”, then we will not be able to blossom and grow into beautiful beings. We need water, nutrition, and light. Though I could sit here and name many different metaphors that you can use for this scenario; it’s better that you use what you have been through and what your situation is at this moment to create the meaning.

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