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Love Letter
I don’t know what the universe holds for us. Even if you do intoxicate me in a good way. But I have to clean up the messes in my life as do you. It will all be ok soon. I wasn’t necessarily in the position financially to be of help to you in the way you need right now. And I really thought I could but you’re still working on things, so they’re some high bills which can be expected. I think you know what type of person I am so you declined and I insisted which I shouldn’t have done. You would have come to me if it got…
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Solitary
They always thought they were doing something for me. As if filling my gut with their fake love was going to somehow lock me in. It was temporary. Where are you when I sleep? Where are you when I’m broken down? Where are you when my migraines hurt so bad I can’t even fathom talking to people. Where are you when I sit on the bathroom floor consumed with so much emotion I can’t breathe steadily? Where are you? But instead of being here when you can slide inside, be present. So you’re with others? What others? Why others? My others? There are no others…I bet you had no idea…
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Inspiration
I have been referred to as inspirational in more than one conversation. Inspirational? Apparently some have thought so. And it isn’t to say that I, myself don’t think that I am. It’s that I have had such a more recent affiliation with inspiration myself that I sometimes forget my pain can inspire someone else trying to get through something they are going through. I have put so much energy and confidence in this blog and my life as well. Have you ever worked really hard at something, only to have someone tell you that you aren’t doing good enough? But you think you are! Ant it gets frustrating, it gets…
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Reciprocate
I know men like him. He thought his dick was his gift to the earth. As if the universe had been waiting for him to grace it with him presence and my thighs with his sorrow. The mentality is indescribably sad. Every woman he encountered probably did so much for him. A big dick isn’t always worth the trouble. I walked to the bathroom. I hate the smell of him. I hate having sex with him because it made me feel dirty. He felt evil to me. Why do I do this myself? He’s a pig. “How you doing in there.” He yelled from the bed. “Fine, thanks.” I looked…
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Poisoned With Denial
THE HARDEST CONFLICT TO RESOLVE IS THE ONE WITHIN YOURSELF- EL’AUNDRA I always told you if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I truly deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought every that HE thought was wrong with was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else. I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to…
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July’s Mornings
Flashback to a time when I was fluidly moving. Living in my passion for the arts and taking control of it. Until I met a man who believed a woman’s place was much different; just as much as I believed I needed to sacrifice my passion for creativity to keep someone. Apprehensive, yet curious I wanted to see if I could change that view in his mind. I got caught up on ideals that weren’t min, expectations I didn’t want to be part of and became a woman I now don’t even recognize. She felt like there was nothing left. I feel like there’s more than ever now. Whether I…
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The Workplace As A Workzone
I like my peace at work. I have worked in so many various work environments that it’s easy to see and call out what I will and won’t deal with. I just don’t have any interest in coming to work on some bullshit. I’m always amazed at the shitty spirited shit people bring to the workplace. I remember walking into work wearing my Grandmother’s Red Wool Coat. Much like Red Riding Hood I’m sure they thought. That coat is so beautiful. Turns heads every time I wear it. It was Valentines Day too. There was this lady at my job that I low key couldn’t stand. I just didn’t like…
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Less and Less
The more I think about it. Whatever is causing this type of energy, I am good on it. You can still hit me up from time to time but this between is is stressing either one of us or both of us and I’m good. E
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On The Bed
ON THE BED I laid on the bed next to him. I knew that my flaws were sprawled all over his comforter but he didn’t mind, He took the ones that were beautifully transparent in the sunlight; like a rose petal, and lifted them up. He gave me more hope than I had ever thought a human could. I rubbed his face. I am so drawn to him. And it doesn’t make sense to just stare at him right now without kissing him. His lips are so defined. Jesus, he sees me staring at him. “Hi” I say. Inside my mind I am rolling my eyes at myself for being…
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A Buffer
A buffer is something we use to numb ourselves of pain or to deal with it in a different way. Example: ‘I had a rough day, I need a drink’ … but do i need that drink to help me feel someway? Why don’t I want to feel the feelings and be in the moments? Instead of thinking about a buffer, I’m thinking about how to process my emotions raw. I don’t want to use worldly buffers (sex,drugs,alcohol,etc) to solve my problems. I think we waste too much time trying to focus on NOT doing something instead of just not desiring it by living as if. Living as if I…
