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Theme Park

Posted by elaundra

Telling myself that I felt nothing wrong. Because I didn’t. It felt right. It felt like I was being forced to recall all of the trauma I had experienced in the past and give it to you for your oblivion. Because you are the only one to erase it. Loving me will heal all that you worry won’t be healed. Sometimes you don’t even realize that without the constraints of society I have emotions and feelings in my heart for other people living on this earth. And it would be who of you to sit there wondering what the feeling entailed. But I kept that part to myself. I was silenced. Because you somehow thought I was doing this intentionally. You felt like I was hurting you. And I wasn’t. I was bleeding for love. Not knowing where to turn for the love that I sought. And I thought. I deserved it. Or else why would I be looking so hard right? I fumbled, felt like I had taken a flight on the wild side of failure. I tried to make you fall in love and made you fall into someone else. For reasons that to this day I am unsure of. I tried telling you how I felt. You ignored it. And that didn’t break me, so I kept trying. And kept trying. And then when there was another person who made me feel that warmth, I did the same. Without thinking you might be upset because I didn’t give you a chance to respond. But how much time do you need? How much time does it take to feel me? To absorb me? I don’t want these filters through other people. And my seeking the love painstakingly alone, I tried to tell you I wanted your love. I wanted it so badly I needed to be brought back to life because living without it damn near killed me. It made me feel like I had nothing to do. Nobody to turn to. I just wanted to get a response. Tell me what you feel. How you feel. What you want. Empty silence. Blank wall. Stuck in a trance. I walked around and paced. Back and forth. When the carousel stops, I hope you understand I just wanted my heart to be your theme park. I know my heart can be a rollercoaster. But if you don’t mind, could you be the turbulence in my wings to stabilize me? I’m flying, not weightless until you take this weight off my chest by making my heart soar.

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