7 Billion People

The thought never occurred to me that I needed to take your ideals to bed with me every night. I never needed to have your expectations and desires spilled out on to me and you telling me that I had to do something or be some type of way in order to live happily. If someone had done to me what so many people have done, I wouldn’t want to be around them. I remember thinking about how attracted I am to a certain type of woman. I hate women who feel like they need to treat another woman deplorably. If they then say they have a crush on you, and tell you that they like you. Someone that likes you will treat you with respect. they will be enamored by you and inspired by you. Someone that says that they hate you isn’t someone you could be around. And with this green eyed woman it was just that. Hatred. Standing around her I feel like I would just read the hate. And someone else wouldn’t. She would likely tell them that she had a crush on me and make it seem like I am not attracted to women. When in fact I am not attracted to women that hate on me. Period. There is nothing sexy about that.

I felt like I knew I would get a beautiful man of my own. it is the ego talking to think that you are the only person someone can find to recognize their worth. Men are so scared of me going to another city and moving. You want to keep me boxed in. You don’t want me to grow and thrive. And even when you have kids with someone you are giving everything into that person for what? For them to then play with your emotions and claim to care about your wellbeing? There is no solace in that. I don’t find myself wanting what someone else has or wants. I just want to prove a point. That people thought they were playing with me. But I can take myself from you if that’s what you really want because you aren’t treating me like you want me to stay around anyways. So why not just leave. Why not just get away from that ideal that I need to live around you in order to have a sense of ease. I can be at ease sitting around people that think of me as a talented woman. A gracious woman. A kind woman. A strong woman. A force to be reckoned with. And glad that she recognized it, but no matter what; you were never anything real to me. Always fake. You were iconically tearing me down. And that was what it was all about with the ego. You will find yourself having conversations around the topic of a $10000 bag if you let yourself. You will be arguing with someone about things you would not want to argue about. You love the feeling that you get when you work. And that bag of respect that you have for yourself is priceless. Worth more than $10000.

I have no doubt the type of man I am worthy of. I know how I write. How I sing. How I love. How I parent. How I cook. How I bake. How I read. How I think. How I desire. How I desire life to be. Life to feel. Life to smell. I appreciate genuine interest. Someone calling you out of the blue because they want to get to know you. Someone knowing that you aren’t feeling well and need some help and helping you. Which in turn makes you feel good about yourself. It was never something that I wanted to do was be on this earth alone. But there were so many times that someone saw the shallower parts of me and saw those parts of me in other women. Without getting to know the real me and realizing who I am. A woman you are not used to. My grandmother was not a woman that most men were privy to. They didn’t really have a lot of experience with her. She was educated and devoted to raising myself and my brother. I bled for love for so long after she was gone. I know that when you don’t deal with grief the way you need to it winds up tearing you down.

Oftentimes I don’t know where I am going with certain people. What am I to them. What are they to me. All of these. Do I want to share myself with you? Do I feel comfortable with you knowing who I really am? Is there some way for me to be able to feel safe around you? I don’t really have the feeling of safety all the time. Someone can be so damaging and it makes me feel so awful about myself because I know there are things I need to work on but I truly don’t walk out and start things with looking back.

I like to keep a private life for the most part when it comes to certain things that I have going on in my life. I remember thinking about honesty and how honest people can be with me and how that makes me feel when they are dishonest with me. I don’t know how to handle my assumptions of your behavior if you are not being upfront with me. Sometimes I feel I have no choice but to assume the worst. Assume that you are just going to be something that is going to be damaging to me if you are not fully honest with me. And people are scared of being brutally honest. But then I ask why do you do things like what you do if you are not ready to be brutally honest about what you actually did? That doesn’t make sense. I would just be honest about what I did. That way I would be able to sleep. I hate how dishonesty makes it so you can’t sleep.

So much of my life people would try and have me be a part of things I didn’t want to be a part of. You don’t need to groom me. Leave me alone. You don’t need to try and make me into anything. Leave me alone. Don’t try to sit and justify trying to change someone. If they need to in fact, be who they are. Who they are truly as a person is more important. And more valid. There is no reason for you to feel like you are going to be happy with that person if you are going to try and change them into what you want. You cannot imagine the pain that will not stop in my heart because I have allowed myself to be groomed. To be played with and told that I needed to be broken down. When that is not the case. It is rather unimpressive if you don’t think about how you make someone else feel in those circumstances. Why would you want to groom a grown ass woman to be ok with your lifestyle. Why not try and get her to be comfortable. The grooming part is the part I don’t like. It’s like you are toying with her.

You need to take time for yourself.