Heartbreak Poems
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For you I will
For you I will change the way I love.
For you I will change the way I feel.
Sometimes feeling like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will think twice.
For you I will write stories.
Sometimes feeling like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will take a chance.
For you I will take a shot at love.
Sometimes feeling like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will let my guard down.
For you I will submit.
Sometimes like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will open myself up.
For you I will heal my hurt.
Sometimes like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will be here for a lifetime.
For you I will give thanks and kneel.
Sometimes like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
January 2025 I had just written the title. Scrolling through the drafts; I felt the energy to write. I hope you enjoy. 11:20-11:28am I wrote this. With a dream of a chance on my heart.
XOXO, El’Aundra
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Lost In Translation
⏰ I can’t sleep. So into my words we go…
🍔 Hungry as a motherfucker.
📺 Watching Johnny O’Clock [1947] on the tv. And Ancient Engineering S01:E08 on my phone.☕️ Dreaming of how to calm down after an entire pot of coffee providing energy. As I would tell you, I know coffee like most people don’t. Love it immensely.
⛪️ I am moved by today’s devotional.
🧼 Deep cleaned the bathroom shower and cleaned my room. Organized it. Blessing it. Now for pickle chips and sour cream likely. I’m always hungry. 🧼
🖋️ The Tattoos I did healed thankfully. Wonderful memories along the journey.. Hyped up on coffee.
🖍️ My mind is coloring another vision of a land bank home I would rehabilitate. [See previous post on the first one] 🩷😝
🙏 Prayers for all.
Without getting too far into why some things are easier to explain in life than others… why some things will piss you right the fuck off. And other times you’ll ride the ways of ‘pisstivity’
Self-Reflection: Where the fuck am I going sometimes I ask myself. Or the Lord in prayer. Why do I constantly keep feeling lost in translation?
Photo Opp Metaphor: The boot is going to hold the fridge door shut in case it opens again. In my perspective, I will take the seal tomorrow and clean that for better suction.
I was working at Amazon when I was hit by the car in 2023. Something telling me to put on my boots. As I stood there by my locker and changed into my Birkenstocks. I left my Nike lime green Bionic sneakers in my locker at Liverpool Amazon. I guess I forgot them there and then in a sense couldn’t bear coming back to retrieve them until I felt better I guess. Or had a hand to hold for the embarrassment I would have as I would walk and empty my locker anyhow…
Rightfully injuries would have been very mf different if I had worn my boots. Just more detailed thoughts I have never explained to anyone… so in writing I like to be. Talking less. Writing more. Mime vibes. 🤐
And in contrast I had to wear boots to work… but I won’t get rid of the sandals. I will make a shadow box eventually for them. I remember wanting to join to learn AWS. Out of my respect for SAP. Things happen. More lost in translation here..
XOXO, El’Aundra
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What Is Your Purpose?
Oftentimes people don’t ask themselves what their purpose in someone else’s life is. My purpose being more light work related than yours sometimes. I still come and leave in as much peace as possible. Never to return to what didn’t inspire me before. I never had to ask myself who a best friend was or what it entailed. It didn’t entail vengeance for me. But for some, of course it would. And whatever it picked up along the way that had the same unfamiliar uncomfortable qualities was a lost cause to it’s succubus energy. I had not paid attention to the eye rolls in public while I was writing. The female friends who had so willingly gone after men that I had adorned once, thinking I would suddenly want them back. Not realizing that even the smallest parts of me was not willing to circumference their insecurities about my craft enough to bow to them before I bow to God and pray for them. That being the ultimate truth. You need prayer and my absence from your life. In remembrance we can coexist until you feel it necessary that I am one of the people you desire to be completely honest with. Suffering is a choice. Your choice to make someone else suffer by hating their way of creatively expressing themselves, in turn makes you and others around you suffer. My inspiration to write does not come from the suffering of others. That’s the difference.
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You Cannot Grow With Everyone
Go, as you wish most times is what people would sit and tell you repeatedly. I stay trying to perfect a routine of ambiguous efforts to adjust the way I have been living in the past to something current and concurrent with the time in which I live at the present moment. Albeit in your mind, a place different than mine; my efforts to contain my dignity is daunting. Some things in the most recent past being ashamed of people having less time than I needed to speak my truth.
Not adhering to your standards of arguments and justifications of where I am in a present moment, I do believe people ask for what they need when they want it. To which request we should listen. With there being no excuse for not growing ourselves. It’s seeming as common sense when you think about it. I cannot say where I am coming from at all times without having a story to why I may be here in the first place? Is it of my control, or others. Speaking in tongues even the most distant would not care to understand. I get sick of circling and sick of being sick in the miles per hour my mind thinks about doing things in a different way, when I am supposed to be searching for a sense of peace. Truth in peace at best. Tired of people taking that from you. It’s a badge of honor to be able to withstand the judgement of someone else when they have not alternatively been through what you have been through and cannot react to things in the same way quite possibly. I often look down asking myself why don’t they just keep their hands to themselves. Mouth. Bad aura. Bringing only the good around someone should bring something worth growth but I toss that in my head that you cannot grow with everyone.
XOXO, El’Aundra
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Cut and Dry
Like butter his skin.
Was softer than it seemed.
My love for you.
Was deeper than the seas.
Like frosting to a cake.
He was sweeter than my dreams.
My need for him.
Was stronger than iron cleaves.
Like wind to a storm.
I was safe with him.
My heart for his.
Was the easiest man to please.
Like flower to the soil.
I will grow from him.
My life with his.
Was the dream that brought me to my knees.
XOXO, El’Aundra
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Listen to my voice
I think sometimes it’s a threatening voice.
Billowing of sorts.
Sometimes there is a tone of discomfort.
A tone of unhappiness.
A tone of stress.
A tone.
And you hear it.
I do something at that time.
Which in time could hurt.
Although you may feel it.
What does it take for a sense of peace to work.
I would have sung a tune in front of you.
If you were musical.
Enough for you to receive.
The truth being you hate it when I sing.
Which is hard for people to believe.
You pile with people who feel the same.
Not asking for more and more.
Hoping that when you silence my voice.
It will even up the score.
I gave into these problems.
And issues you have.
Knowing that if you loved my voice.
Just like Young Jeezy
You would’ve wanted to go half.
Half on whatever it took,
To make me into a whole
Lying to yourself
So Santa brings you coal.
In terms of regret
Of which you should not feel
There were secrets between us
That’s only being real
XOXO, El’Aundra
Disclosure: Writing is a form of art to me. Poetry in a sense. And sometimes a more definitive type in itself. That being said, I am a huge fan of Miguel Ruiz’s principle “Don’t take anything personal.” These writings are something I have enveloped myself in since a child. Words have been a part of my life since a child. And as I got older, I appreciated my craft for what it was without giving too much attention to negative scrutiny.
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Leave That Girl
I love landscaping. Always an inspiration…Leave that girl that leaves you empty.
Come here to be with me.
Lay here connecting the dots.
Reading all of my intoxicating energy.
Take me home with you my chocolate love.
Passing signs on the route to your house.
Make me a spiked hot cocoa in a campers’ mug.
I promise I’m humble, you don’t have to take me out.
I want to stay here with you forever.
I promise I won’t want to leave.
I want you to give me more children.
Marry me and bring me to my knees.
Understand I like to work dear love.
I do not want to lay around.
I won’t have you dealing with my madness.
However crazy it may eventually sound.
I need an everlasting love in my life.
Arms around my sweet-smelling neck.
Holding me and giving me comfort.
Whenever I feel so very unbearably upset.
Long arduous days, dark silent nights.
And intimate rose scented afternoons.
The longing I have in my heart to love you.
Could envelop more than just rooms.
It could captivate hearts and make them swell.
Feeling the Nigerian rhythm in my body.
Giving me ginger no doubt you know as well.
The way you sway has me walking like a zombie.
Music grabs the element.
The atmospheric melody.
Taken into a cosmic dreamland.
Shall you walk with me?
I want to take you on a journey.
I want to be the one.
To bear you kings a queens.
Because I know you will never desert me.
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The Very Peace You Seek
Crazy to see the audacity.
To disrespect your desire.
To have involvement.
In your child’s life unaffected.
And not want one part of intimacy.
With anyone else.
Until you have wholesome attributes.
Of peace.
Because of that very ability.
To turn and flip angles.
Disturbs the very peace you seek.
To have.
It’s that fear.
Of letting guards down.
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Let me tell you
Can I tell you how beautiful I already am. How beautiful I want to be. Can I also tell you what I’m running from? I’m running from a world that’s evil. That world was my past.
I always felt beauty. I always relished in my way to captivate an audience. To take people by storm and win. That’s the goal. But the right way. The demonic tense always told me that the demon was at me from where I was coming from. It was someone close to me. So I started thinking that I’m losing this person. He would tell me that my mother is evil. And I was like what do you mean. My mother is passed away and my mom is alive. And I didn’t support the connotation. I knew me as feeling a confident woman. A beautiful woman. A concept of comfortable sorts. As I didn’t want him portraying me as something different. He broke me baby. So hard. And they’re more but I can’t tell you. What I can tell you is this.
I sat down on the couch. He had texted me asking me to come over to his condo. He was not the demonic presence. But something felt uncomfortable about being there. He said something about having a million dollar idea. And I was confused at the time. But I was thinking to myself I’m worth so much more than what my circumstances are. And so I went to sleep that night in his bed. And he was so disrespectful with his mannerisms. I’m sleeping next to you and you hit me in the head with your arm half asleep over my head like three times. I have to inch closer to the edge of the bed. I didn’t understand this. He just wanted me to please him. Didn’t want to please me the way I wanted to be please. Only using me for what he needed at the time. It was awful. I set my alarm for my Uber for early in the morning. I had to walk to work. I was working a job cleaning apartments. And as I walked around I thought what million dollar idea is he talking about? Because when I asked him he said nothing about it. Ignored my question.
So then I thought about my current circumstance. I thought about everything I was going through. I was going to work at a job where I was cleaning apartments. I had just left a relationship where a man desires me to literally be something I am not. Someone I am not. He wants me to be filmed all the time but not in the sense of what I am comfortable with… consenting and being paid. So therefore I thought to myself I wonder if he would ever try to tape me going through what I’m going through…
Then I thought to myself I wonder if this would be a good million-dollar idea for someone who hates me… make one of the most beautiful talented women I know look broke. Make fun of her being broke. And then I just went I work. I went to work on myself. And when I saw Luther Vandross on Instagram with his weight loss I was enamored. I had lost 150 pounds. And I don’t remember being congratulated and appreciated for so much in life. Like if you found money on the ground, if because you know I’m broke and want to monetize my social media; why would you offer 1/3 of what you found? I was offended. So I said no. I’ll manifest my own money. I don’t want it. You found $60 and want to give me $20. That’s not good enough so I’ll manifest my own. You found it. Keep it yourself. A man appreciates what he’s greatly sacrificed for. I am sacrificing quite a lot to come onto these social media sites with everything I have had to hold in for years. I can’t wait for more and more love around me.
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Evil Motives
And if you’re never going.
To be as honest as me.
The woman you’re standing.
In front of.
Isn’t worth marrying.
I told you how honest I was.
And you didn’t respect it.
So,as a man.
Raising children.
You’re telling me you want.
To live your life with a dishonest woman?
I get turned on by how good I am.
I don’t need to whisper how evil I am
Because I’m not being evil
So,in fact if what turns you on.
Are evil motives.
No wonder why.
I would rather be celibate.
And stay tight.
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You cannot
You can’t make someone do anything.
I can’t make someone tell me the truth.
I can only ask for it.
I can’t blame someone.
For what’s happened to me in life.
There’s not enough mistakes in life.
To equate to the emptiness and loneliness.
You feel for a lifetime when you’re ignored.
Shamed.
Ridiculed.
If God told me that I needed to pay.
And my pastor told me.
To come forward with my trauma.
I’m trying to figure out why deny someone.
The very truth that sets them free?
Because you want to keep me bounded.
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508: The Writer’s Curve
It was the absence of love in the first place.
A lie that you told me there was no race.
No race for your heart.
No race for your soul.
Walking around lost.
Nobody that I deemed my whole.
All I wanted was a family to fall in love with.
A place for me to call home.
I give win to the abstract.
A lean to the depth.
And so under that bush across from Upstate Farms,
On the ground May 2023 I wept.
I wept for being lonely & pregnant.
With a man who didn’t want me.
I wept for being broken.
By those who didn’t call me.
Didn’t call me love.
Didn’t call me peace.
Didn’t call me angel face.
Feeling like I was beneath.
I couldn’t find my footing.
So I lost my ground.
And I sat there waiting for so long.
A love never found.
I laid on the ground.
Wishing I had someone to call.
Wishing there was a love.
For in which I would fall.
Desperate for deliverance.
For someone to answer at all.
So I gave up to the wind.
This was my doing.
My head against the wall.
Fate wins.
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He sat next to her
He sat next to her.
Thinking that because she’s been through this trauma.
In life.
She might not really be able to open up.
To him.
And he was fine with her opening her heart.
When she could.
Never bothering her.
To let him know everything.
And she didn’t.
She didn’t tell him the times.
She couldn’t fight,
She didn’t tell him.
About her childhood.
He didn’t ask.
And so she sat there.
Staring at the screen.
Thinking.
“I’ve been through assaults.”
“I just don’t want to tell him.”
“He said it would ruin his image of me.”
“I’ve never had help.”
But the woman that he was referring to.
Had been through counseling as a child.
12 years.
He was shaming other women.
But didn’t want to shame her.
Because she initially lied.
He was so inflamed with anger.
He went to his phone.
To text a friend.
She stops him.
And tells him the truth.
But she also tells him.
That there’s nothing to be afraid of.
She’s here for a lesson.
There was never a reason.
To treat a child like that.
And I got help when I was younger.
Because I used to cry.
All the time.
At home and at the school.
As children, she told him.
“There were so many people.”
“That didn’t forgive themselves.”
That “They kept doing things to hurt other people.”
And “In order to get rid of the hurt she had to tell the truth.”
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I Lost You Poem
You have no idea how I feel about you
I walk the streets and smell you in the air
You live here. You were born here.
The trees here smelled you before I did.
And they carry your scent.
I cannot breathe 1440 minutes.
Without thinking of you. Wanting you.
But I am sharing you. I’ve never had you to myself.
Oh but I’ve wanted to. So badly in fact.
Older than an artifact we are.
But you don’t even know me when.
We aren’t in the same car.
I loved from near. I loved by far.
I loved by hotel. I loved by home.
I loved by car. I loved by park.
I loved in the street. I loved in the bar.
Do you not remember?
Have things changed? Who cut the trees down.
I can’t smell you now. I lost you.
So I cleansed myself. Angrily, I hid as I do.
In how I felt. How I feel. How I will always feel.
And I took it out on you.
Because I want you.
We are adults now.
And this is not your fault.
We got caught.
We got lost.
In blurred lines.
In a decade of time.
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Interest or No Poem
If a man really likes you.
He isn’t going to let you forget it.
He will be consumed.
With the process of chasing.
You’ll know it
You should not have to ask yourself.
If someone is interested.
It should be evident.
Interest?
Or No Interest?
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I Believe
I believe in the power of transparency. I truly do. In every facet of my life, I like to be as transparent as possible to forge a connection that resonates. I am all about resonating with someone. I want to know everything about you. It fascinates me. I am enamored. But just as I want to know everything about someone; I want them to know everything about me. I know me best and I am getting to know more ABOUT ME. But one thing that will never change is that I know my relationships must be authentic. I cannot function in a masked state. I will not. I do not function well as a girlfriend, mother, employee, confidante, colleague, acquaintance or anything else if I do not feel like I am open, transparent and myself with or around you. If I don’t have that feeling, you don’t have me. You create that feeling for me by not only allowing me to be open with you but being open to receiving all of me. Otherwise, I won’t be able to be anything for you. I do not need to be open to secure your opinion. it doesn’t matter unless I have determined otherwise. I have been in relationships and connections that failed for different reasons; in some, they knew everything about me and those were the healthiest and best ones. Whereas the others didn’t know everything about me and the relationships were toxic and eventually failed. I am deeper than any shallow man can ever imagine. My heart is bigger than any heartless person can covet. I think of myself as being so beautifully humble that a harmful narcissistic person would only try and bring me down. I know who I am and where I stand with myself. So not everyone can be on board with how I am. And that’s fine. I truly wish you the best. If compromise isn’t your cup of tea I can’t be bothered. I don’t shut things and people out of my life that are able and interested in seeing me for who I am; as well as interested in growing together. But I will know if you’re not in it for me. By how you treat me, talk to me, talk about me; etc. And if I tell you that you’re hurting me, if you continue it’s up to me to allow it or leave. And it’s up to you to look at yourself and continue as if nothing is the matter or change and compromise.
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The Let Down Poem
I wish I could say I knew what to tell my daughter.
When she asks what real love is.
Mommy doesn’t know.
She’s never really had it.
But inside I know I would feel the pain.
In my chest.
Having to think of all the heartbreak.
Naive scenarios, strange dates, failed relationships etc.
And to think the carousel’s still turning.
Love will come at the next stop.
I keep telling myself.
I tell her “Love is everywhere.”
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Love and Loss Poem
Love and loss will teach you who you are.
After each love you lose.
You realize the love was lost.
The lost was loved.
The loss of love has left you to lose all love.
Loving to lose will leave you lost.
I will not lose just because my love is lost.
I will not have loved as hard if I had never lost.
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They Take, Take, Take
They take.
They take from me and never leave.
Anything for anyone else.
They strip me of every emotion.
I find compelling.
They take my dignity.
And compare me to less,
They have fun at my expense.
Head down.
I walked to the car.
I laughed because I couldn’t believe I was here again.
I looked up at the sky.
There was a sign there somewhere.
Was there?
I always say this is my type.
And I should just stay away.
I always bend over backwards for people,
Who don’t even know what a tightrope is.
I’m the one who gives a further relationship.
Because of the nurturing quality,
I walk the line,
I put in the time.
Now I sit here with nothing.
I got into my car and threw my purse at the passenger door.
In a fit of rage.
No dignity.
No memories.
No faith.
No strength.
No belief in anything.
Other than the truth.
The truth that I couldn’t realize.
Key in the ignition.
I’m leaving.
Why have I never been with a man like me.
Someone who would pick up and jump in their car.
At the drop of a dime.
Rub my feet when I worked 16 hours.
Doesn’t mind what I cook.
Makes effort to get to know me.
Beneath the surface.
Who supports me.
I’m not talking financially.
My dress was so pretty.
I felt like I really looked nice.
He seemed so nice when we talked on the phone.
Great conversation.
But his problem is not for me to figure out.
Fuck it.
I punched the steering wheel.
This one felt real.
It felt like there was something to build on.
I don’t want to go to bed alone.
Reverse…maneuver…drive.
Too bad I’m not running his hands over.
They were all over my body.
Telling me a different message.
Rubbing my back before the pain started.
It was such a sharp pain.
Driving down the road I realized I was hurt.
Blood was on my dress.
Fuck.
Son of a bitch, this hurt.
I pulled over and got out of the car.
The grass was wet.
That much I knew.
Kind of felt like a cooling mask on my skin.
Lights were everywhere.
People were around.
That sharp pain.
Hold still ma’am.
You were stabbed.
The men…
They always stab me.
My back is full of scars.
I laid back on the stretcher…
More lights.
I turn to the side.
Tears form.
At least I am alive this time.
Eyes closed.
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The Nook
Broken from the way you loved
Feigning for real love…not like…
But strike…me with your truth.
Hide me in this booth…
Called your nook.
From which I took.
A break that had such depth.
Such depth from which I was kept…
Captivated by that space.
This special place.
Where your arm meets your side.
And the hair growing in this region is a sign of pride.
Oh how I…long for a longer time.
But got you now, let your love be like wine.
Let me drink you sweet.
The temptation of moving I shall keep, keep, keep.
