Love Poems
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As God Intends
A man would think that by hurting me in the present that he was going to satisfy himself or me in the future with the changed human I became. That’s not true. I cannot begin to tell you the fate that gives me. Even after I please myself, I cry uncontrollably sometimes. Grieving the woman I was at some point in life. Sitting under the covers in shame. For no reason. Can I even look at myself the same. It’s as if sometimes a hand will be reaching out for my love and I cannot reciprocate the way they want. Even trying not to cry as I type this because of how strong I have had to build myself to be. How I have had to force myself not to cry when my heart doesn’t need it or want it. And neither does my head. Neurologically or imposing otherwise. Because of what you have done. What you have said. What you have wanted instead of my own wellness. How I have made myself feel as a result of the change. I would become a different person for the satisfaction of you. I would sit and be disregardful to myself and not think about how I felt. Pushing it away. I got tired of that. Tired of coming home with no answers as to why I felt alone inside a relationship or out. I would then bet on fate. I would hope that it would come around. And when it didn’t, I would cry even more. It wasn’t that I wanted to be held all the time. Fear of you not satisfying my comfort would make me approach opening up with trepidation. I would change. And then look at myself and be unhappy. I would recognize a new me after all of the complaints about who I am now that you have changed me. Who I am now that you are seemingly happy with the changes in me. Who I was before you decided to change me for yourself. And who I could have been without you.
It’s like he says in his mind to himself:
“I can do good for someone else, but I can’t be any good for you.” That’s all I hear. That’s all I see. That’s all I feel. I was not raised to respect anything more than honesty. And knowing that secrets often come out in the sheets, what was I up against? Truth or lies? Assets or liabilities? It was never that I reached out to a ton of people when I had gotten hit by the car in Fall 2023 and asked for help or a place to sleep. It was that I knew in my heart the types of friendships and relationships I had dealt with in the past, and that they wouldn’t really ask me to stay. They would just play as they had before. Most of them at least. I needed to breath. And they were suffocating me. Lies. I had a dream one night that a friend had gone and gotten married to what I thought of as the most beautiful person inside and out that I had ever seen or encountered. Throwing it in my face or at least trying to. But I didn’t imagine my life in longevity with her as a result of it. And I had come to terms with that. And that was taken from me. Marriage was on the table. GONE. Fidelity was on the table. GONE. Family was on the table. GONE. And it was kept from me because of the fear of “How I would respond or feel,” But then I realized they didn’t know my strength. I could just wake up and realize it was a dream. Forget if it was real. Don’t even engage in the fantasy is how I started to feel and treat myself. I told myself “Even if this is just a dream, I don’t ever want to be around her again.” What if I told you that there were more than one of those dreams? More than one of those people in the dream doing the same things over and over to hurt me. Trying aspects. And angles. Just to please their disease of the mind. I am sure, what you’re selling as a fake friendship will be of value to someone else. But I never made that feeling real until I dreamt it again. They cannot say that it hurts when your intent was to hurt me in the dream. My guard up in reality. I wanted the same respect I had bestowed on them in real life. And knowing I would not get it is fine with me. I have no expectations.
In being all honest and open with myself, what could she have said in the dream other than “I am sorry I fucked someone you were interested in?”
My response: “What else is new. You’re no different than most friends with devious selfish desires. Be at peace with my absence in your life is all I truly ask. And kindly. It hurts when I think about what you have done. I don’t mind being around you when the universe makes that happen. Not someone playing like they’re God. But I had to get out of my soul how you made me feel. How I knew the true testament was if I was bleeding, you would be nowhere to be found. And that’s fine. God is always around. You were never more concerned than me or my God when it came to securing my family, finding shelter or a husband. And that’s not to blame on you because life happens. I just have to choose a healthy trajectory. There’s a reason for the dream, and it’s likely concerning secrets you will never unfold with me.” It’s like this: you would be the type of friend immense pride in having relations, let alone a relationship with that man I crushed on or adored in front of a wall I painted art on (and there are many); versus wanting the ultimate desire to be seeing me married in front of my own mural. Because the marriage is what I would have been coming to you whining about as a woman. Not being able to find love. You would use that as a weak point and find solace in taking that from me and being as devious as possible. And I don’t hold resentment for the friendship or what it could have been. I just have emptiness.
I think the most encountering challenge is for someone to not recognize how wholesome I am. And for that I have no patience and truly apologize if that hurts you. But knowing that you can bare your soul to me and trust me makes me know what I am worth to you; in my own eyes. But I don’t necessarily recognize what I am worth to you in your eyes because you refuse to break down barriers and boundaries. It is not my innate refusal to break them down, it is an old challenged oligarchy. This is why. An oligarchy is defined as a government for the few. What if me, you and what is ‘ours’ is considered ‘the few’? And within that government we need alignment, representation, respect, honor, and honesty. But I am not getting that. It feels like I am battling a different subset in which you refuse to see my respect for a relationship and the depth I require in said relationship. Otherwise, I feel no alignment. And we have no government to supercede ourselves. We are not working together in a sense. You sit on your side of the bed and I sit on mine. You don’t see it as simple as I do. Pull the covers off and look in my face. But it’s an excuse to you, that you sympathize with. You don’t see it as a venture for you to save my soul from myself. And by saving my soul from myself, I mean crying for 12 hours because I am frustrated at how little you truly understand me or how little you want to give effort to that understanding.
Mesmerized by the health of going with the wave. I know the motivation to be better and more productive should be there. What if it was a jump start on eternity that I feel is most productive? You might feel like a jumpstart on tonight and nothing else is productive enough. And so, I cry more. There is no depth. No 20,000 leagues like I dreamed. And I was taught to dream big, if not in reality, then in fantasy. Taking forgiveness as the true battle of the war with myself. Not that I don’t want to be forgiving or forgiven; but I worry about not being taken in general.
Sit on the toilet and take a shit while I sing. That is love to me. You be the DJ. And yet, I cry when that’s never completed. My grandmother used to say “I don’t know how you feel unless you tell me.” But I was always expecting someone else to come in (not necessarily in her place) and know how I feel without me telling them. My kids do. But it was me realizing that you don’t depend on my blood supply or my safety or well-being in the same way that they do or my grandmother did. My strength can be something very foreign to you. And yet fragility is a word you refuse to associate with me. It wasn’t me forgetting I am the fragile twin, it was me not wanting to read into that. Wanting to always stay strong.
Strength can come in numbers. And I sometimes view it as minutes. Minutes and moments in time that provide clarity and recollection of who I can be with love around me. To know that my mental illness with depression and anxiety and ptsd is not a reason to pull myself further from people. But the grief eats at my soul. Grieving who I was before all of experiences in life that made more emotional than ever before. I might walk different, talk different; seem stronger. But still just as fragile, if not more and entirely more emotional. A leaf falling from a tree could make me cry. It makes me wonderous at times and wandering at others. For fear I need a wander guard in real life because you might not want me. And maybe I will misread your need for space, and leave entirely. But as a man is that fair to you? It’s not, and so I cry even more. Because by that time, I have already figured out I locked myself in handcuffs and can’t really move just yet. Where is the key someone might ask? The key is time. Inquisitions. Questions. Mannerisms. Acts of kindness, love. Endearing concerns for my wellbeing and that of my family. I guess these are things I would not want to bypass and ignore. So I pace on the depth of my sadness at times. I am that someone and someone has to right? I often wonder if I am too harsh with my boundaries. Too impatient with myself. I just want my home back. And right now my home in my heart is shattered. I thought I could have protected my home from the tornado inside my mind when I broke down on March 18 2025. And never forgetting what my heart felt like at that time. It wasn’t the first time I had broken down and cried like that. I thought it was maybe because I am so close in proximity to where I grew up and I miss my grandmother’s presence often when I need to be cared for. She would sing to me “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.”
The house that is my heart was torn and breaking down. But I could feel the windows shattering. Exposed, I felt. Even in a room by myself and homeless as I am right now, I could feel the roof caving in, in my heart. Stay strong I whispered to myself. The front door to my heart padlocked and it was a whirlwind inside my heart, mind and soul. Stay strong for your children. Eventually a landlord will get back to you about a house. Everything else will fall into place. As God intends.
Momma changes, but my love and motivation and strength as a mother never will.
I disregard the ignorance of others when it comes to my blog. I can reupload posts from 2008. But I don’t need to prove anything to you when you’re insecure enough to question dates of a blog that I build.
XOXO,
El’Aundra
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For you I will
For you I will change the way I love.
For you I will change the way I feel.
Sometimes feeling like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will think twice.
For you I will write stories.
Sometimes feeling like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will take a chance.
For you I will take a shot at love.
Sometimes feeling like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will let my guard down.
For you I will submit.
Sometimes like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will open myself up.
For you I will heal my hurt.
Sometimes like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
For you I will be here for a lifetime.
For you I will give thanks and kneel.
Sometimes like a fantasy.
A dream that has yet to become real.
January 2025 I had just written the title. Scrolling through the drafts; I felt the energy to write. I hope you enjoy. 11:20-11:28am I wrote this. With a dream of a chance on my heart.
XOXO, El’Aundra
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What Is Your Purpose?
Oftentimes people don’t ask themselves what their purpose in someone else’s life is. My purpose being more light work related than yours sometimes. I still come and leave in as much peace as possible. Never to return to what didn’t inspire me before. I never had to ask myself who a best friend was or what it entailed. It didn’t entail vengeance for me. But for some, of course it would. And whatever it picked up along the way that had the same unfamiliar uncomfortable qualities was a lost cause to it’s succubus energy. I had not paid attention to the eye rolls in public while I was writing. The female friends who had so willingly gone after men that I had adorned once, thinking I would suddenly want them back. Not realizing that even the smallest parts of me was not willing to circumference their insecurities about my craft enough to bow to them before I bow to God and pray for them. That being the ultimate truth. You need prayer and my absence from your life. In remembrance we can coexist until you feel it necessary that I am one of the people you desire to be completely honest with. Suffering is a choice. Your choice to make someone else suffer by hating their way of creatively expressing themselves, in turn makes you and others around you suffer. My inspiration to write does not come from the suffering of others. That’s the difference.
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Lofi Beats
Today my research has been on lofi beats and the current issues with my printer. As I sit here and have a state employment application for a job; I have had a short fuse all day. Define short fuse…certainly doesn’t make you want to be around someone and have coffee to explain what you’re going through. Things all work in an organized fashion in life. How to lengthen a fuse? Remove yourself from your stressors. Run from these things that bring you no sense of clarity. Albeit most disturbances are that way. No matter the noun.
Sometimes I wonder why in such a world as the one I live in; do people continue to lie and paint stories that are not true…
Press play on a lofi tune..
XOXO, El’Aundra
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Cut and Dry
Like butter his skin.
Was softer than it seemed.
My love for you.
Was deeper than the seas.
Like frosting to a cake.
He was sweeter than my dreams.
My need for him.
Was stronger than iron cleaves.
Like wind to a storm.
I was safe with him.
My heart for his.
Was the easiest man to please.
Like flower to the soil.
I will grow from him.
My life with his.
Was the dream that brought me to my knees.
XOXO, El’Aundra
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Listen to my voice
I think sometimes it’s a threatening voice.
Billowing of sorts.
Sometimes there is a tone of discomfort.
A tone of unhappiness.
A tone of stress.
A tone.
And you hear it.
I do something at that time.
Which in time could hurt.
Although you may feel it.
What does it take for a sense of peace to work.
I would have sung a tune in front of you.
If you were musical.
Enough for you to receive.
The truth being you hate it when I sing.
Which is hard for people to believe.
You pile with people who feel the same.
Not asking for more and more.
Hoping that when you silence my voice.
It will even up the score.
I gave into these problems.
And issues you have.
Knowing that if you loved my voice.
Just like Young Jeezy
You would’ve wanted to go half.
Half on whatever it took,
To make me into a whole
Lying to yourself
So Santa brings you coal.
In terms of regret
Of which you should not feel
There were secrets between us
That’s only being real
XOXO, El’Aundra
Disclosure: Writing is a form of art to me. Poetry in a sense. And sometimes a more definitive type in itself. That being said, I am a huge fan of Miguel Ruiz’s principle “Don’t take anything personal.” These writings are something I have enveloped myself in since a child. Words have been a part of my life since a child. And as I got older, I appreciated my craft for what it was without giving too much attention to negative scrutiny.
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Leave That Girl
I love landscaping. Always an inspiration…Leave that girl that leaves you empty.
Come here to be with me.
Lay here connecting the dots.
Reading all of my intoxicating energy.
Take me home with you my chocolate love.
Passing signs on the route to your house.
Make me a spiked hot cocoa in a campers’ mug.
I promise I’m humble, you don’t have to take me out.
I want to stay here with you forever.
I promise I won’t want to leave.
I want you to give me more children.
Marry me and bring me to my knees.
Understand I like to work dear love.
I do not want to lay around.
I won’t have you dealing with my madness.
However crazy it may eventually sound.
I need an everlasting love in my life.
Arms around my sweet-smelling neck.
Holding me and giving me comfort.
Whenever I feel so very unbearably upset.
Long arduous days, dark silent nights.
And intimate rose scented afternoons.
The longing I have in my heart to love you.
Could envelop more than just rooms.
It could captivate hearts and make them swell.
Feeling the Nigerian rhythm in my body.
Giving me ginger no doubt you know as well.
The way you sway has me walking like a zombie.
Music grabs the element.
The atmospheric melody.
Taken into a cosmic dreamland.
Shall you walk with me?
I want to take you on a journey.
I want to be the one.
To bear you kings a queens.
Because I know you will never desert me.
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A note to any teen
I’m watching the movie ‘When love kills’ and I have learned so much in life and resonated with a hard life. I encourage you to watch. The trickle effect of secrets and lies is hard. He begins selling her things. She begins to treat other people bad and hurts them. It’s such a sad story. I would love to have a glass of wine and sit and have a chat with you while I watch it. Coming soon in a series. Just watch it for now. Emotional movie.
As many of us know, growing up being a teen or raising one can be so rewarding. It’s little times like this where I love being able to relish in the love family can give when you are navigating the world. I am so thankful that throughout the abuse I have encountered with my past; that I always had a family member to count on that would be supportive to me.
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Thank You For Opening Me Up
*Note: This is a fantasy. About a man I have never been with.
I say this over and over to myself all the time. “Open Up.” What if there is a man out there that wants to share a night like this with me. But it’s normal. It’s everyday life for us because we feel like we were made for each other. And we were.
At the time of so many responsibilities in my life, overly conscious about things I might have been dealing with at the time. Overly conscious of the person I was with. Thank you for conversing with me and talking to me about how beautiful you think I am. I noticed how you would watch me get up in the morning, put my makeup on, get dressed for work; and just enjoy the morning with coffee and DMB in the air. You know how I like my mornings to start. You know what I am running from. A past, that in retrospect was dimmed slightly because of my lack of motivation in a particular area and not zoning in on what it was that truly makes me happy. This is one of the things that does. So put this on your list. Draining the water from the tub, I walk into the room and look out the windows that line the bedroom walls. 6 of them. And they all face the field behind the house. And it’s such a beautiful view of the mountains and the snow. I walk in front of you and derobe.
“You are so beautiful. Sing to me while you dance for me.”
And I do. I pressed play on some Eric Benet and made sure you were even more in love than you were 5 minutes ago. The look on your face was everything in that moment and then some. As you sat there with your robe open. Necklace hanging on your chest, velvet slippers on, and satin robe; I saw a man I have grown to love so much. And I felt like I saw the twinkle and felt it at the same time in my eyes. That’s how dependent on you telling me how you truly feel, I have become.
“Come take a shot of Whiskey or Tequila baby girl, I want to see you slam this better than your man’s favorite drink; The Alabama Slammer.”
Smiling at you with so much more in my heart and soul, I walk crawl to you on the floor.
“What…”
I smirked. Kept proceeding to you. Your baby face leading the way…
You pick me up off the floor, and we are both laughing so hard because I know what you’re about to do. Throwing me on the Lovesac. This big tan massive cushion of love in the corner built for at least 5 people just swallowed me whole.
“I’m impressed with your strength dear sir.” I say to you.
“I know you are madame, shall I have this dance?”
Always silly in fact to the point of gut wrenching humor, we were and very much are. It was mesmerizing the smell of your neck. Our feet moving left to right across the bedroom floor. That unbelievably good smelling Prada cologne that I had bought you for Valentine’s Day. Somewhat of a form in my brain; to buy you cologne on Valentines Day.
“He may remember me more if I buy him a cologne on Valentine’s Day.”
As I did. I would buy you a cologne everyday if I could. And if I could have men texting me all the time for one thing, I would love it to be cologne advice. The very infatuation with perfumeries and scents in general has always been something you admired.
“La la la la la la la la la I love you.” you sing
I bust out laughing and scream I love you too.
“Scream again and you get spanked.” you tell me
“Turn around, and lay down, I want to give you a massage please oh pretty please.” The face to match with crossed eyes.
“Always.” you say as you laugh.
This very intense thought of how stressed out I might have been about opening up to you about something that has been on my mind for quite sometime. In no way bothering. Bothering would mean it’s negative. I know I am not perfect, and sit with things in my head 45 times before I say them sometimes and then sometimes it’s too late. As I start to rub your shoulders I think about how I was so close to giving up completely before you decided you wanted to give me a chance. To which I explained it’s not a chance for us to give. That’s the universe. It’s a chance for you to have, from the universe. Even if but for yourself. Without a doubt we all do things to one another that affords us the opportunity to give someone a chance; but I believe we already have/had a chance. And I continue to put that energy into our relationship. I think the other form of thinking is dwelling; and I don’t want to make you feel like anything because of your past. The same respect given to me, I would have not had a safe soft place to land when I needed one. I needed to work at this as much as you just to get here. Humming a song while I massage your lower back.
“Sit on my back a little lower baby, get the middle of my back. This conditioning is kicking my ass.”
I oblige. I am thankful for your positivity as a man and belief in me. It seems in life sometimes as people we get to certain points and all we want is someone to come a little closer to us; but not understanding the walk they take to get to us. I am grateful for your path, I just don’t know how to say this.
“You remember how my friend Jackie and her husband?
“Yes.”
“I need to sit and have a chat with her tomorrow, do you mind keeping her husband company while we talk?”
I am sure it won’t be a problem. I just hadn’t had the chance to talk to Jackie. She needed to be more involved in my life as far as my own day to day struggles and she and her husband have been such a positive, honest, loyal energy in our lives; that I have so much I could use her help on. And my boyfriend is great friends with her husband.
I was consistently talking to Jackie and it’s great to finally have a friend that is less about complaints, and more about solutions and the power of solving. Problem solved. All the way around. I remember so many of our meetings ended in positivity because of healthy communication and I like the way her husband treats you as a man.
I cross my eyes and bend my head down staring into his eyes, with the silliest face; I ask:
“In this evanescent love of ours can we go higher?” Knowing you know what I meant, you asked…
“To answer your question love, yes, we can go higher. But to go deeper, why did you feel that way to begin with? What made you feel like that? That’s beautiful. We all get along very well together.”
“Yes! We do!! That’s why I am was so excited to ask. I haven’t necessarily brought it up, but I know it’s an easy conversation to have as females.”
“We already talked about it, as men. And are in love with the idea.”
“Good. I know it will happen. I saw the look she gave me and she drank me all the way in.”
The look was a look of love on his face. It was a commanding effort to capture these moments in time. I was starting to talk about it earlier in front of the mirror, so very nervous while he was in the shower. No sooner than a few seconds into my speech with the hairbrush he said something that made me feel wonderful.
“If I promised that I would stay with you, like a Notebook; would you open up to me for the rest of your life like one too? I know you may be worried about me going somewhere else, falling in love with someone else, or even becoming someone else; but what if I told you I have never promised someone that I wasn’t going to leave them?”
Stunned, I stood there.
Intentions, motive, effort (and the amount thereof), and all inhibitions were pointed in the direction of your end goal being to win and captivate my love. You did.
“Note to self” is what I say walking into the kitchen. You had fallen asleep and I capture the emotion that you have after reading this. And in all absolute truth; parts of it were written with idealism. And truth (click the link) is a theological argument in some aspects, while the level of pain you could incur from someone can/is measured on a scale.
Your never-ending faith in the fact that there was always something more on the horizon for us is what made me feel comfortable talking to you. I relished in that. The comfort reminding me much of silk.
“Let’s make dinner plans, cook, and sit down with a notebook in front of the fire and plan a wonderful surprise evening for them, shall we?”
“Yes love, we shall.”
XOXO, El’Aundra
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The Very Peace You Seek
Crazy to see the audacity.
To disrespect your desire.
To have involvement.
In your child’s life unaffected.
And not want one part of intimacy.
With anyone else.
Until you have wholesome attributes.
Of peace.
Because of that very ability.
To turn and flip angles.
Disturbs the very peace you seek.
To have.
It’s that fear.
Of letting guards down.
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Let me tell you
Can I tell you how beautiful I already am. How beautiful I want to be. Can I also tell you what I’m running from? I’m running from a world that’s evil. That world was my past.
I always felt beauty. I always relished in my way to captivate an audience. To take people by storm and win. That’s the goal. But the right way. The demonic tense always told me that the demon was at me from where I was coming from. It was someone close to me. So I started thinking that I’m losing this person. He would tell me that my mother is evil. And I was like what do you mean. My mother is passed away and my mom is alive. And I didn’t support the connotation. I knew me as feeling a confident woman. A beautiful woman. A concept of comfortable sorts. As I didn’t want him portraying me as something different. He broke me baby. So hard. And they’re more but I can’t tell you. What I can tell you is this.
I sat down on the couch. He had texted me asking me to come over to his condo. He was not the demonic presence. But something felt uncomfortable about being there. He said something about having a million dollar idea. And I was confused at the time. But I was thinking to myself I’m worth so much more than what my circumstances are. And so I went to sleep that night in his bed. And he was so disrespectful with his mannerisms. I’m sleeping next to you and you hit me in the head with your arm half asleep over my head like three times. I have to inch closer to the edge of the bed. I didn’t understand this. He just wanted me to please him. Didn’t want to please me the way I wanted to be please. Only using me for what he needed at the time. It was awful. I set my alarm for my Uber for early in the morning. I had to walk to work. I was working a job cleaning apartments. And as I walked around I thought what million dollar idea is he talking about? Because when I asked him he said nothing about it. Ignored my question.
So then I thought about my current circumstance. I thought about everything I was going through. I was going to work at a job where I was cleaning apartments. I had just left a relationship where a man desires me to literally be something I am not. Someone I am not. He wants me to be filmed all the time but not in the sense of what I am comfortable with… consenting and being paid. So therefore I thought to myself I wonder if he would ever try to tape me going through what I’m going through…
Then I thought to myself I wonder if this would be a good million-dollar idea for someone who hates me… make one of the most beautiful talented women I know look broke. Make fun of her being broke. And then I just went I work. I went to work on myself. And when I saw Luther Vandross on Instagram with his weight loss I was enamored. I had lost 150 pounds. And I don’t remember being congratulated and appreciated for so much in life. Like if you found money on the ground, if because you know I’m broke and want to monetize my social media; why would you offer 1/3 of what you found? I was offended. So I said no. I’ll manifest my own money. I don’t want it. You found $60 and want to give me $20. That’s not good enough so I’ll manifest my own. You found it. Keep it yourself. A man appreciates what he’s greatly sacrificed for. I am sacrificing quite a lot to come onto these social media sites with everything I have had to hold in for years. I can’t wait for more and more love around me.
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Evil Motives
And if you’re never going.
To be as honest as me.
The woman you’re standing.
In front of.
Isn’t worth marrying.
I told you how honest I was.
And you didn’t respect it.
So,as a man.
Raising children.
You’re telling me you want.
To live your life with a dishonest woman?
I get turned on by how good I am.
I don’t need to whisper how evil I am
Because I’m not being evil
So,in fact if what turns you on.
Are evil motives.
No wonder why.
I would rather be celibate.
And stay tight.
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You cannot
You can’t make someone do anything.
I can’t make someone tell me the truth.
I can only ask for it.
I can’t blame someone.
For what’s happened to me in life.
There’s not enough mistakes in life.
To equate to the emptiness and loneliness.
You feel for a lifetime when you’re ignored.
Shamed.
Ridiculed.
If God told me that I needed to pay.
And my pastor told me.
To come forward with my trauma.
I’m trying to figure out why deny someone.
The very truth that sets them free?
Because you want to keep me bounded.
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Cosmic Fortitude
I had opened the door.
And quite honestly at that time for me.
It was exactly what I needed.
When it came to each time.
I opened the door the excitement mounted.
I just got more and more into the process.
Of waiting for the arrival and excited.
To open the door much like a surprise.
There was a feeling that I could have explained.
To other people as a good fit.
The essence of the way I melted was satisfying.
When you go through periods in life.
Where you’re down and just feel low about yourself.
Your drive.
Happiness and other things.
There could very well be a place to turn.
And that place was a cosmic place.
Meeting at the same table every time.
Well, I know we both wanted juice.
A handmade special blend.
And then I’ll sit and tell you all the things.
Relax, unwind.
Stay a little longer.
That was always the thing.
My heart hurt when you left.
I would want you to stay longer.
And linger.
My body yearned for the security your hands gave it.
When you massaged my shoulders.
If it be up to someone else.
To try and take you from me, they might.
Oh, they might.
But I got this deep fluttering feeling in my stomach.
When I saw these camouflage pants with an orange stripe.
Neon orange in fact.
And it took all my strength to keep my heart intact.
-
508: The Writer’s Curve
It was the absence of love in the first place.
A lie that you told me there was no race.
No race for your heart.
No race for your soul.
Walking around lost.
Nobody that I deemed my whole.
All I wanted was a family to fall in love with.
A place for me to call home.
I give win to the abstract.
A lean to the depth.
And so under that bush across from Upstate Farms,
On the ground May 2023 I wept.
I wept for being lonely & pregnant.
With a man who didn’t want me.
I wept for being broken.
By those who didn’t call me.
Didn’t call me love.
Didn’t call me peace.
Didn’t call me angel face.
Feeling like I was beneath.
I couldn’t find my footing.
So I lost my ground.
And I sat there waiting for so long.
A love never found.
I laid on the ground.
Wishing I had someone to call.
Wishing there was a love.
For in which I would fall.
Desperate for deliverance.
For someone to answer at all.
So I gave up to the wind.
This was my doing.
My head against the wall.
Fate wins.
-
He sat next to her
He sat next to her.
Thinking that because she’s been through this trauma.
In life.
She might not really be able to open up.
To him.
And he was fine with her opening her heart.
When she could.
Never bothering her.
To let him know everything.
And she didn’t.
She didn’t tell him the times.
She couldn’t fight,
She didn’t tell him.
About her childhood.
He didn’t ask.
And so she sat there.
Staring at the screen.
Thinking.
“I’ve been through assaults.”
“I just don’t want to tell him.”
“He said it would ruin his image of me.”
“I’ve never had help.”
But the woman that he was referring to.
Had been through counseling as a child.
12 years.
He was shaming other women.
But didn’t want to shame her.
Because she initially lied.
He was so inflamed with anger.
He went to his phone.
To text a friend.
She stops him.
And tells him the truth.
But she also tells him.
That there’s nothing to be afraid of.
She’s here for a lesson.
There was never a reason.
To treat a child like that.
And I got help when I was younger.
Because I used to cry.
All the time.
At home and at the school.
As children, she told him.
“There were so many people.”
“That didn’t forgive themselves.”
That “They kept doing things to hurt other people.”
And “In order to get rid of the hurt she had to tell the truth.”
-
I Lost You Poem
You have no idea how I feel about you
I walk the streets and smell you in the air
You live here. You were born here.
The trees here smelled you before I did.
And they carry your scent.
I cannot breathe 1440 minutes.
Without thinking of you. Wanting you.
But I am sharing you. I’ve never had you to myself.
Oh but I’ve wanted to. So badly in fact.
Older than an artifact we are.
But you don’t even know me when.
We aren’t in the same car.
I loved from near. I loved by far.
I loved by hotel. I loved by home.
I loved by car. I loved by park.
I loved in the street. I loved in the bar.
Do you not remember?
Have things changed? Who cut the trees down.
I can’t smell you now. I lost you.
So I cleansed myself. Angrily, I hid as I do.
In how I felt. How I feel. How I will always feel.
And I took it out on you.
Because I want you.
We are adults now.
And this is not your fault.
We got caught.
We got lost.
In blurred lines.
In a decade of time.
-
Interest or No Poem
If a man really likes you.
He isn’t going to let you forget it.
He will be consumed.
With the process of chasing.
You’ll know it
You should not have to ask yourself.
If someone is interested.
It should be evident.
Interest?
Or No Interest?
-
I Believe
I believe in the power of transparency. I truly do. In every facet of my life, I like to be as transparent as possible to forge a connection that resonates. I am all about resonating with someone. I want to know everything about you. It fascinates me. I am enamored. But just as I want to know everything about someone; I want them to know everything about me. I know me best and I am getting to know more ABOUT ME. But one thing that will never change is that I know my relationships must be authentic. I cannot function in a masked state. I will not. I do not function well as a girlfriend, mother, employee, confidante, colleague, acquaintance or anything else if I do not feel like I am open, transparent and myself with or around you. If I don’t have that feeling, you don’t have me. You create that feeling for me by not only allowing me to be open with you but being open to receiving all of me. Otherwise, I won’t be able to be anything for you. I do not need to be open to secure your opinion. it doesn’t matter unless I have determined otherwise. I have been in relationships and connections that failed for different reasons; in some, they knew everything about me and those were the healthiest and best ones. Whereas the others didn’t know everything about me and the relationships were toxic and eventually failed. I am deeper than any shallow man can ever imagine. My heart is bigger than any heartless person can covet. I think of myself as being so beautifully humble that a harmful narcissistic person would only try and bring me down. I know who I am and where I stand with myself. So not everyone can be on board with how I am. And that’s fine. I truly wish you the best. If compromise isn’t your cup of tea I can’t be bothered. I don’t shut things and people out of my life that are able and interested in seeing me for who I am; as well as interested in growing together. But I will know if you’re not in it for me. By how you treat me, talk to me, talk about me; etc. And if I tell you that you’re hurting me, if you continue it’s up to me to allow it or leave. And it’s up to you to look at yourself and continue as if nothing is the matter or change and compromise.
-
Lingering
Little nuances of stains.
In a shift in mindset.
Created the intention.
And I hadn’t made up my mind yet.
I thought we had taken a path.
In the direction of solidarity.
And that our connection didn’t seem,
like the ones you see so popular now.
But need clarity.
Not us though.
We were so low key.
You needed to see I.D.