*Note: This is a fantasy. About a man I have never been with.

I say this over and over to myself all the time. “Open Up.” What if there is a man out there that wants to share a night like this with me. But it’s normal. It’s everyday life for us because we feel like we were made for each other. And we were.

At the time of so many responsibilities in my life, overly conscious about things I might have been dealing with at the time. Overly conscious of the person I was with. Thank you for conversing with me and talking to me about how beautiful you think I am. I noticed how you would watch me get up in the morning, put my makeup on, get dressed for work; and just enjoy the morning with coffee and DMB in the air. You know how I like my mornings to start. You know what I am running from. A past, that in retrospect was dimmed slightly because of my lack of motivation in a particular area and not zoning in on what it was that truly makes me happy. This is one of the things that does. So put this on your list. Draining the water from the tub, I walk into the room and look out the windows that line the bedroom walls. 6 of them. And they all face the field behind the house. And it’s such a beautiful view of the mountains and the snow. I walk in front of you and derobe.

“You are so beautiful. Sing to me while you dance for me.”

And I do. I pressed play on some Eric Benet and made sure you were even more in love than you were 5 minutes ago. The look on your face was everything in that moment and then some. As you sat there with your robe open. Necklace hanging on your chest, velvet slippers on, and satin robe; I saw a man I have grown to love so much. And I felt like I saw the twinkle and felt it at the same time in my eyes. That’s how dependent on you telling me how you truly feel, I have become.

“Come take a shot of Whiskey or Tequila baby girl, I want to see you slam this better than your man’s favorite drink; The Alabama Slammer.”

Smiling at you with so much more in my heart and soul, I walk crawl to you on the floor.

“What…”

I smirked. Kept proceeding to you. Your baby face leading the way…

You pick me up off the floor, and we are both laughing so hard because I know what you’re about to do. Throwing me on the Lovesac. This big tan massive cushion of love in the corner built for at least 5 people just swallowed me whole.

“I’m impressed with your strength dear sir.” I say to you.

“I know you are madame, shall I have this dance?”

Always silly in fact to the point of gut wrenching humor, we were and very much are. It was mesmerizing the smell of your neck. Our feet moving left to right across the bedroom floor. That unbelievably good smelling Prada cologne that I had bought you for Valentine’s Day. Somewhat of a form in my brain; to buy you cologne on Valentines Day.

“He may remember me more if I buy him a cologne on Valentine’s Day.”

As I did. I would buy you a cologne everyday if I could. And if I could have men texting me all the time for one thing, I would love it to be cologne advice. The very infatuation with perfumeries and scents in general has always been something you admired.

“La la la la la la la la la I love you.” you sing

I bust out laughing and scream I love you too.

“Scream again and you get spanked.” you tell me

“Turn around, and lay down, I want to give you a massage please oh pretty please.” The face to match with crossed eyes.

“Always.” you say as you laugh.

This very intense thought of how stressed out I might have been about opening up to you about something that has been on my mind for quite sometime. In no way bothering. Bothering would mean it’s negative. I know I am not perfect, and sit with things in my head 45 times before I say them sometimes and then sometimes it’s too late. As I start to rub your shoulders I think about how I was so close to giving up completely before you decided you wanted to give me a chance. To which I explained it’s not a chance for us to give. That’s the universe. It’s a chance for you to have, from the universe. Even if but for yourself. Without a doubt we all do things to one another that affords us the opportunity to give someone a chance; but I believe we already have/had a chance. And I continue to put that energy into our relationship. I think the other form of thinking is dwelling; and I don’t want to make you feel like anything because of your past. The same respect given to me, I would have not had a safe soft place to land when I needed one. I needed to work at this as much as you just to get here. Humming a song while I massage your lower back.

“Sit on my back a little lower baby, get the middle of my back. This conditioning is kicking my ass.”

I oblige. I am thankful for your positivity as a man and belief in me. It seems in life sometimes as people we get to certain points and all we want is someone to come a little closer to us; but not understanding the walk they take to get to us. I am grateful for your path, I just don’t know how to say this.

“You remember how my friend Jackie and her husband?

“Yes.”

“I need to sit and have a chat with her tomorrow, do you mind keeping her husband company while we talk?”

I am sure it won’t be a problem. I just hadn’t had the chance to talk to Jackie. She needed to be more involved in my life as far as my own day to day struggles and she and her husband have been such a positive, honest, loyal energy in our lives; that I have so much I could use her help on. And my boyfriend is great friends with her husband.

I was consistently talking to Jackie and it’s great to finally have a friend that is less about complaints, and more about solutions and the power of solving. Problem solved. All the way around. I remember so many of our meetings ended in positivity because of healthy communication and I like the way her husband treats you as a man.

I cross my eyes and bend my head down staring into his eyes, with the silliest face; I ask:

“In this evanescent love of ours can we go higher?” Knowing you know what I meant, you asked…

“To answer your question love, yes, we can go higher. But to go deeper, why did you feel that way to begin with? What made you feel like that? That’s beautiful. We all get along very well together.”

“Yes! We do!! That’s why I am was so excited to ask. I haven’t necessarily brought it up, but I know it’s an easy conversation to have as females.”

“We already talked about it, as men. And are in love with the idea.”

“Good. I know it will happen. I saw the look she gave me and she drank me all the way in.”

The look was a look of love on his face. It was a commanding effort to capture these moments in time. I was starting to talk about it earlier in front of the mirror, so very nervous while he was in the shower. No sooner than a few seconds into my speech with the hairbrush he said something that made me feel wonderful.

“If I promised that I would stay with you, like a Notebook; would you open up to me for the rest of your life like one too? I know you may be worried about me going somewhere else, falling in love with someone else, or even becoming someone else; but what if I told you I have never promised someone that I wasn’t going to leave them?”

Stunned, I stood there.

Intentions, motive, effort (and the amount thereof), and all inhibitions were pointed in the direction of your end goal being to win and captivate my love. You did.

“Note to self” is what I say walking into the kitchen. You had fallen asleep and I capture the emotion that you have after reading this. And in all absolute truth; parts of it were written with idealism. And truth (click the link) is a theological argument in some aspects, while the level of pain you could incur from someone can/is measured on a scale.

Your never-ending faith in the fact that there was always something more on the horizon for us is what made me feel comfortable talking to you. I relished in that. The comfort reminding me much of silk.

“Let’s make dinner plans, cook, and sit down with a notebook in front of the fire and plan a wonderful surprise evening for them, shall we?”

“Yes love, we shall.”

XOXO, El’Aundra