Whatever you hate. Whoever you hate is all on you. Own up to that.

I begin to think most times it goes back to how I was raised. How much of what I have been through and taught applies to my day-to-day real life. Knowing everything that I have been through as a black woman, I am not interested in arguing over the ownership of my DNA let alone eggs/embryos against a white person who hates who and what I am, so they want it for themselves. That’s something I had thought about. A black man wants to disrespect me and treat me like shit because he is threatened by my strength. He chooses to go have a child with another woman. Maybe she is white. Treats her better. And if or when that doesn’t work out maybe he wants to see if he can come back to me for another chance. But the game was already pondered. You knew what you said to me and about me and who I am from the jump. So, for you to sit back and expect to add more adversity to my life just to “prove how strong I am” is using me as a toy. Something the entire post encompasses. Someone or a collective group of people thinking you’re a toy until you leave them alone to play with or for their own team. I am not on your team. Nor do I want to.

Sometimes I think to myself

“If I could make a race about what type of person that is in my own mind, I would make it called ‘selfish'” That can encompass any underlying race such as Black, White or Asian- Pacific. It goes by your mentality. Your morale. Your desire to judge others. To not give respect. Living by that principle that you “Give respect to those who give it to you the way you want it served.” As a child, I was taught that some people take from you. And the lesson you show them is by calling on God, not them. Don’t call them back to explain why they took from you in the first place. They just should have known better. The fact that they didn’t initially just proves who they are as a person and how hurtful they can be. And just continue to take from you without giving. Narcissistic qualities. Then you must wonder what your peace really is. When blacks have taken from you and whites as well. I go on to find people who aren’t on this earth to take from me. Whether it be that they are black OR white. I call it a selfish race and throw those people that have tarnished me into a pot alone on their own. You can feel the way you do about life because people have taken things from you; of course. But sitting on a high pedestal somewhere is someone with a stick pointing at you telling you that you’re wrong for feeling that way. And they want to make you pay for feeling a way (defensively) about how THEY HAVE TREATED YOU WHEN IT WAS POOR TREATMENT. I never really cared how those types of people felt about my writings. My poetry. My truth. I can continue to show you how much I don’t care about concepts that don’t encompass empathy. All you’re doing is proving why my sense of adequacy for myself is not worth you enjoying. I can enjoy myself without you, you know!?

There is someone out there listening even if it isn’t you. There is a woman in the middle of a breakup right now that needs this strength in words. A man too. A transgender. A collective group of people that want better for themselves, others and the world in general. In essence, If I don’t want to hear your album, I won’t buy it. I won’t listen to it. One hit wonder or not; there is no argument. No conversation needed. And no, I am not offended. I expel my feelings for free. Why would I care what someone else that hates that they cannot be honest with themselves, more aware of themselves, and ultimately hates themselves thinks or feels about how or what I write? Maybe if it’s not meant for you, you will objectively find something or someone that is.

9 albums doesn’t equal a heart. I could argue that so much it’s not even funny. I assume the conversation would go something like this

“You ain’t nothing but a one hit wonder.”

My response: “I might be. But I have heart. And had heart long before the one hit. That being said, because of your ego; you feel like 9 albums makes you possess a bigger/greater advantage?! I argue your heart rightfully in defense. And you’re proving what my heart is worth versus yours. Even with that one hit, I can have more heart and strength. You’re insecure about even after 9 albums and that’s why you’re talking to me like that with ‘my one hit wonder’. Albeit I have that one hit, I don’t want you to have me. Reason being, I put more energy into valuing the valor of someone standing on a pedestal because of their accomplishments threatened by someone who has not accomplished enough in life because most people are vile, self-centered, and ignorant such as yourself. How the fuck are you going to argue with a woman like me that’s been as abused as much I have (especially by people like you) and still stands against you fighting? You’re weak. And I still battle your insecurities. So, since I was raised to understand that my goal is not to make you feel embellished in self-hate; I won’t take your shine. Show the world WHAT and WHO you are. I am not your backup singer, dancer or hype man; remember that. You set the precedence of hatred first by coming at me with that statement. Now live in your assumptions and take care of yourself. Better than you care for other people is all I can hope for from you.”

That’s crazy right? It’s almost as crazy as a man arguing with you about your value as his woman. He says this to you:

“You aren’t shit. Just a bitch. A worthless stripper. A whore.” [I want you to read this post here titled ‘What It Seems’ for strength when you are being abused by a man or woman and the above is all they water you down to.]

And yet he continues to make you feel insecure and worthless. Not only by action; but by influence. He will bring you around other women or bring other women around you that are only there to rock your insecurities, if you have any. Because he is threatened, and so are they. He wants to argue with you. And control everything that you are. Which is disgusting in its own right isn’t it? Sometimes, there are people that are so insecure they will sit there and think that they are rocking your own insecurities or making you uncomfortable just by playing a game on who you are. What you are. What you stand for. What you have endured in life. How you overcome adversity. Sometimes because they know if the fight was turned around, they would not be able to make it through like you. They cannot do what you do or be who you are. And depending on the strength that you hold within yourself; how do you show someone that you care? How do you want someone to treat you if they claim that they care about you. What do you do to care? Forgive? Do you care if this man talks to you like this, and then he allows his desperation to bleed into your own accomplishments and dreams so that you have his women he adores more than you act like they are intimidating you? They follow you to work. They follow you on social media and stalk with their bullshit. He doesn’t know who you are at the core any more than the woman that is acting on his behalf does. She might only be acting that way because in her eyes he adores her, not you. And they are sick enough to enjoy abusing you. And that is a vantage point for them. Not only vanity points for them (because they are truly self-absorbed and don’t care how you feel) but a point at which you should be concerned for your own safety and wellbeing.

When you want something, it’s called an appetite. You have an appetite for grilled cheese. You want a steak sandwich. It’s what you are used to. What you are hungry for. And some of us are hungry for respect. And can smell that someone or something is not going to satiate that hunger. It’s called an ‘appetite’ for a reason. I can’t stand a man that sits in life so mad, and insecure that he doesn’t understand I have a choice. We all do. Suffering is a choice, always remember that. Not only to be strong for myself, but aware of myself. And my appetite. Which doesn’t go by what you want. So, if I want what you want, it’s mutual. Be thankful. If I don’t, let it go. Because at the end of the day your restriction on my freedom is only going to piss me off. And I won’t let someone make me feel like shit for my choices. A lot of time the choices that you make are because someone else thought they could play with the ability of you to make your own choice or what choices you have in general. I was 18 years old and had a wonderful interracial experience with friends. And for a black man to sit in front of me and get an attitude about me being with another woman for you or in front of you. You, as the insecure man that has a fucking issue will sit here and not commit to me. Hold that over my head, making me feel like shit and expect me to have an appetite for the race you idolize. Which isn’t me. If you idolize me, I will come first. If you respect me, you will be concerned about how I feel as well as everyone else involved. And although God says you should have no other idols before me, a synonym we could use is still adoration. When it comes to opening up a relationship or intimate connection with someone; I look at how that person has treated me and valued me throughout the previous periods in time when our interaction was 1 on 1. And if I felt like you didn’t care, don’t be mad. Because I am not. I am just ready to move on. As soon as I submit to your disrespect, the woman will sit there because you have disrespected me around her; and treat me like shit. Then it’s 2 on 1. And because you want to satisfy your own selfish desires, not adore me, and make her feel superior it will only heighten the toxicity. Honesty and respect is the only way I operate in these circumstances. My exes cannot talk to me about threesomes with women, because you were often disrespectful and wanted to exploit me to have those women anyways. Not being sure who you’re trying to make feel good (whether it be yourself or them), it upheaved my desire to be around you. And I removed myself because of your lack of respect.

Owning up to the fact that I have decided to not have certain things in life because of the lack of respect a man has for me. And that will essentially bleed into everything that I love. I cannot have a marriage by a man who hates the very words I write. I don’t want you to think a family would be any different. You aren’t trying to have a ‘family’ if you’re not trying to know the person you claim to want to marry or have children with INSIDE AND OUT. Knowing within yourself that to be true will help you. Denying that fact only hurts you.

A lot of times, a man will sit and talking about his previous escapades. I tell him to keep it to himself if he’s trying to make me feel worse about myself. Essentially a lot of times men will cheat on you and go to another woman (if you’re black, she could be white and wanting him to ‘enslave’ her or call her the N word) which can lead to your level of disgust in that man, let alone that woman if you let it. because he comes home and treats you like shit. He will honor that woman, and disregard you. But call her the same name that her mind or insecurites allow her to request. I personally don’t care. I will gladly give you to that woman, so you can help her figure out who she is at heart because not only do I know who I am; you are threatened by that. Or else you wouldn’t do that in the first place; treating me like shit as a black woman. As a woman that’s mixed with Mali, Irish, German and Nigerian; I don’t really care to request that you call me any other name than mine. And should you; I will sooner forget who you are as a person. I was taught to remove things in your life that don’t help you succeed. And that wouldn’t be helping me succeed… reminiscing on a circumstance that didn’t exist in my mind the way it did in yours. Your feelings are different, as are mine. Not mutual. You will want to control me and I won’t give you the power to. So you can essentially screw whatever woman you want and call her whatever you want. She knows her birthname. Enough said. You can’t be someone else. And why would you want to? I don’t, I am fully fine with being me. So I would not answer to someone calling me Pam any more than I would to someone rolling their eyes as they drive by. Same rhetoric. You assume I would be happy with who you are and how you treat me. An assumption. I was taught you make an ASS out of U and ME when you assume. Separate the word. Mnemonics help with that clarification. You know your motives. And acting like you don’t care; blaming other people and even me but holding no blame for that woman means you only had ill intentions to hurt in the first place. And I can hurt with silence. I call it the forgotten response.

Exhibit A:

A man wants you to have a threesome with him and another woman. She talks all the time about black women like she hates them. Jealous of them. And the black woman might not give a fuck that she’s being talked about. She might be curious about the encounter. It’s a setup from the jump. The plan between them two is to cause and argument with you (mind you, they were already an item before they invited you in; maybe unbeknownst to you). The white girl feels threatened. But not threatened enough to NOT talk bad about you with the black man. She goes in like you did her wrong and you never met her. She’s doing it because wants him and essentially a) wants to make sure you don’t take him from her and b) to make you feel how she wants you to feel. She hates herself. She wants you to take the blame for that. He hates you just as much as she does. So they plan to cause an argument and when it gets out of hand they might harm or call the police. A game. This why I say PAY ATTENTION TO HOW PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU.

If it’s the opposite; you will know.

Adoration is by definition “deep love and respect”

Respect is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements”

Love is defined as “an intense feeling of deep affection.”

If you love someone, will you go through their things without their permission? Lie about how you actually treated them, when you know it wasn’t any good? Will you expose them? I would think not. If you respect them, will you show them how much you care by how you act or redeem yourself for acting in a malicious way? If you adore them, how do you show it? Ignore their need for necessities? Prevent them from growing and succeeding?

And vice versa. If the woman has been messing with your man and wants to then act like she hasn’t; she’s out. Not only is she a problem, she’s not a variable. Excuse yourself from that drama. You deserve better. I just cannot be bothered with anything that isn’t straightforward right now would be my response. There is more to be concerned about than a generalization. And a lot of times; the woman would be talking about a generalization. That I feel the way I do because she thinks I hate women, I am angry, I hate men. When it’s simply that I can guarantee my respect has boundaries by having a boundary against you and your disrespect. What resonates when you treat me a way I would not treat someone else or even myself? It’s me thinking to myself, if I cared about someone and the way they feel would I treat them like this? And if you are a part of the “nobody cares” rhetoric then I want nothing more than to leave you alone to yourself to figure out how that is going to work for you.

I look at life in so many different ways. What you’re attracted to and makes you happy might not make me happy. It might not make me happy to be as vile and mean as you are. You cannot be insulted if I don’t want you in my presence. Either it be because of your disrespect or your level of secrecy in life. I am such a straightforward person that sometimes it’s thought to be unfair if I expect someone else to be that way with me. And so, I don’t hold you to that expectation. I tell you that you are able to be free from my expectations and find whatever peace you can find in controlling someone else’s response to you. I don’t have the patience to sit with you and see you laugh or smile at me because you see me getting upset at the fact you are holding a secret, a lie. And I want the truth. So, I choose to not be around you because it upsets me. And I want to be merry. I don’t want to keep going on this merry go round. Whether it be alone or with you. I can ride the wave alone. Keep telling yourself that. I CAN RIDE THE WAVE ALONE. There would be no reason to choose suffering as a choice when you know what game you are trying to play with my freedom of choice let alone peace and respect.

A lot of times people will choose to be “nice” after they have seen resistance to their bullshit to begin with. And by that time, I am already unavailable to you; for you to fuck over again with your fake niceness. If you were really thinking about being nice you would think about what you do before you do it and what you say before you say it. You would say to yourself “Maybe I should think this over.” And I am not projecting on you that you have to blame yourself, just forgive yourself. But understand the creed I live by is thinking about what I do and say before I do and say it. Even more in depth than most people. It might make you uncomfortable. But I cannot be held responsible for you feeling a type of way because you didn’t think about how I would feel before you decided to disrespect me. Sometimes someone is just looking for someone to blame for how they feel. Or blame someone for standing up to their bullshit. If you cheat on me, I can’t wait to NOT call you back. To not have that same relationship with you. Strictly platonic for your benefit. Less of mine. My benefit would be loving myself more than you could or did.

Be at peace. I hope you find your peace.

XOXO,

El’Aundra