No Comfort
I had thought on more than one occasion that I would encounter a type of alternative thinking that was inherently against what we are usually taught from a young child. To befriend others. To be a good person to others. To know the difference between right and wrong.
I thought to myself about the basis of some of the adult friendships we have in life. How valuable they are. How real they are. How much does someone love you versus hate you and do you know the difference.
It was years ago, but I was talking to him about my friends. “I just feel like she doesn’t respect me. She is one of the most self-centered, selfish people I have met in a long time. She acts like she has an attraction in more than a friend way; but doesn’t understand that I am a different type of person and need to know that I feel comfortable to just say I will be more than your female friend. When she talks sometimes, it’s like she would hold a grudge if I ever opened myself up to her emotionally.”
He rolled his eyes. “Girls and their issues. Why have you never dated a woman anyways?”
I asked “Well, have you dated a man?”
He said no. He has not found a man that he can come to a place of comfort with, in that way. There was always something about the situation or the person. “Sometimes, I would just have a one-night stand because I was desperate for the experience. It was nice at the time. Other times, it would be the person I wanted, but they might not be interested.”
Understandable.
“Was there ever a time where you felt like you wanted to hate someone for not giving you a chance?”
“No” he replied. “What the fuck is the point in that? There are so many opportunities for that in life in general. But I love my freedom to choose. What about you?”
“Absolutely not” I replied. “I can’t fathom wasting my talents and time hating someone because I didn’t have a chance or don’t have something or someone they have. Being that I know I am not like that, I was always able to avoid certain females and men for the most part. One wrong move such as ignoring that type and they want to decimate your entire world and make you into the bad person.”
“My point exactly” he said.
“But that’s why I feel the way I do bro! I really don’t think this is the type of female that would be civil. I feel like she would come into my house and go through my body wash and perfume. Sending the man’s types to her male friends and the female’s types to her female friends. All the while hating me.”
“You’re not wrong for thinking or feeling that way. I have had that happen to me before. This friend of mine was only around because of one of my exes. And it wound up being one of the worst times I have ever had in my life. I don’t know if it was the secrecy or if it was my inability to connect with someone like that. But I was over it.”
As I make my burger in my room, I just thought about that conversation. And how sometimes we don’t recognize how someone truly feels until we ask, or they tell us. There can be many factors in dating (even for myself) as to why I refuse to open up to someone. I will say some entirely sarcastic shit because I feel different about myself and my time than someone else does. I feel like it’s necessary to feel safe in a relationship of any kind. And most often, I don’t feel safe. There’s something or someone you’re hiding sometimes and that creates a conflict that makes me want to be without you and alone.
XOXO,
El’Aundra
