Pets Inclined

It was in high school the girl gave me a dog that set my heart free. A wonderful rottweiler I had in high school. His name was Niko. He was a very vivacious dog. At the time I was young, of course. In a sort-of relationship and trying to mitigate that while being in high school. I didn’t really have a ton of help with the dog, but I managed as best as I could. I remember not being good with budgeting. Not being good with being on top of things. But angry at myself more than not. And yet, mistakes happen. I must have had the dog 6 months. Then it was time for me to move back home with my mom. The dog can’t come. Her landlord didn’t allow pets. So I knocked on someone’s door and asked them to please take my dog. The house was yellow. And they said they would. I remember seeing the dog crawling around in the grass getting familiar with the surroundings. I was fine with where my heart was at then. I was beyond sad. Not knowing anything about eviction courts and how they could help you. How social services could help you stay in your apartment. And pride was larger than the Amazon. I didn’t ask for help to stay where I was. I don’t beat myself up much about that anymore. I loved that apartment, nonetheless. The relationship was only a couple months and by the time I had given up Niko, the relationship had already ended.

Mya was a dog that I had fostered for a little bit. My daughter loving her so much. But I found someone who wanted to take care of her. Although she was a sweet little thing. We kept her for a short period of time. I remember taking a selfie with her in my 2001 Ford Taurus SE. I was going through the LPN program at the time, and my landlords found out that I had a dog and started complaining about me having a pet. Albeit I would have gladly paid extra to keep the dog. I was working two jobs at the time and trying to go to school and be a mother as much as I could. It wasn’t the schedule; it was life. And I was grateful for the time we had with her. She was a cocker spaniel mix. I was single at this time.

There was a dog a couple years after that in Buffalo that we had fostered for a few weeks. She was quite a sweet one as we came to discover. She just had a slight urination problem and the owners were definitely wanting her back. She was very sweet. A cocker spaniel mix. I was single at this time.

I am possessive about my kids and my pets. We have had fish, and other pets. I guess to explain it, I don’t like people coming into our lives trying to take over. I get so territorial over my kids it’s insane. A relationship is like “No, you will not take my kids to school. I will fucking do it.” My children are not used to seeing me in a relationship with someone that isn’t their father. So, they alone are territorial about their mother being in a relationship. But I don’t fall back on a relationship by nature. I fall back to being single. And they know that. That’s their peace. Have me all to themselves. They will get very angry and upset. The man will complain that he can’t build a relationship with my kids. And I will likely think or say “I don’t know what to tell you, they don’t want you to get close to me. They are used to their mother being theirs.“

I am so insanely provincial about my way of life and thinking when it comes to these types of situations in life. So, it’s taken with great understanding how the mental turmoil you go through in a relationship can affect the way a pet is cared for. Keeping in mind a pet can’t go to the fridge and get its own food. And when I make my dog treats from scratch and the food from scratch it is with care and love just as with my own kids. But when you have someone in your personal life that is cheating on you or betraying you and not being honest about who they are as a person; let alone their indiscretions it causes a subconscious failure in my mind. And I start to see it in how I act.

Sadie was a dog that we had driven out to the middle of nowhere to pick up. And I had gotten into a relationship at a point afterwards. It was pretty revealing how a relationship alters the quality of life of everyone in your life. She needed to be groomed so much. And it was expensive. I remember asking for help to pay for the grooming, and although I had already been dealing with financial issues of my own; I wanted to lean on the person I was with at the time. That help wasn’t really there. I got behind on the care of her coat immensely and eventually just asked him to please find her home. In my heart I wanted to be done with the relationship’s toxicity and go back to being a mom with pets as I always had been. Because the care had been so low I was embarrassed. He would talk bad to me about my failures as a pet owner and I understood my faults but didn’t know how to express that my substance abuse (for the first time in my life) was also a reason I needed this relationship to end more than I needed to get rid of the dog. The dog was there for our emotional support always in my house. Substance abuse was never something I leaned on in life. I smoked marijuana at 28 years old. Tried cocaine at 34. I don’t recommend the later. But marijuana is a natural impress from earth. And that I was thankful for; but innately I am not used to leaning on alcohol or even marijuana for an escape. If I am in pain, I will forget that there is Tylenol available and power through the pain. That’s just the type of person I am. In this post “As God Intends” I talk a little about my accident where I fell out of a 3rd story window about 6 weeks before my 3rd birthday. And the way my grandmother handled pain management with me as a child was impeccable. Because even as a teen, and adult I never leaned on pain medication. Always testing my pain tolerance and strength. If she had been a different type of caretaker (my mother and uncle too), I would have used stronger medication to bury the pain throughout my life. Instead of finding more holistic and spiritual ways to rid myself of it. I was grateful that Sadie found a home. Another cocker spaniel mix with a beautiful loving personality. I was torn at that time. The kids absolutely loved that dog. But the person I was with did not, and I did not have the proper representation to get my house back to what I was always used to having which was singularity as the head of household; taking care of children that depended on me.

Justice was a godsend. I remember getting the call from my friend asking me to care for her. I couldn’t wait to get her. She was so protective and inquisitive and just a very interesting personality. And at the time she came, it was right after Sadie had left. “You need a dog in your house that can protect you” is what my friend said, “I can’t take care of her because I work too much, and my landlord won’t let me have her.” I was fine with that. Purina Pro Plan was her food that she preferred. Sometimes making homemade food for her, and she was a very large rottweiler. We had a cat at the time, and the two had to be separated by a gate in the house because the dog would want to eat the cat. When I got evicted, I was too low and depressed to ask for help because I wanted to do it myself. Being guilt tripped into the whole “We have to stay together for us” wasn’t my sense of peace. I wanted to be single and go back to the life I was always used to. Being a strong independent woman with no bullshit in my house. So measuring up in court was not something I wanted to do with someone standing by my side that expected to have a home to stay in and just lay around and do nothing. Which is what that was. I felt like I can save myself, so why are you here if you don’t plan on being a part of saving “us” as a family but are willing to let things fall apart because you don’t want to contribute? It made no sense. As most mind games that people play don’t. And so I faltered. Admittedly I gave up on so many things and lost my mind in many ways. Locking out and just keeping my house to myself was what I desperately wanted but I didn’t know how to ask for help with that from the people around me. I tried. And they would talk to me like shit. Because I was weening off of cocaine and keeping it a secret that I was not asking for help from a counseling center, I was not willing to go to rehab. Just wanted to be done with it in general. I remember sitting out in front of my house and telling a friend at the time that I didn’t know how to get rid of the energy in my house without just packing up and moving. I felt like if I could have had Debo from Friday come in and stay for a week with his wife watching the kids I would have been fine. But I didn’t have that. If I had a family member come in and just intuitively know what I needed without asking. I was so used to my grandmother knowing what I needed when I was younger and hurting. I was so used to me taking care of myself and knowing what I needed. But when someone gets in your face and scares you into sitting and listening to the worst parts of life that are about to unfold in front of you; you sometimes oblige with what they have to say. And I let things go.

Homeless in a matter of time. I had let Justice go to a man that had a Newfoundland, and she was in love with that Newfie. You could see the love in their eyes. I was ok with that. I was thankful for the family and friends that I did reach out to. But I wanted to see if I could try and heal my broken heart and strengthen myself. I remember sleeping behind my storage unit with the dog for a couple nights. It was peaceful for me. I don’t think it was peaceful for anyone else. But it was something that I look back on now and say “I know I could have done more.”

I left cocaine behind in May 2023. Picked a line back up in November 2023 and again in January 2025. And said to myself “That’s it. This shit does nothing for me.” That was the honest truth. Not even marijuana heals a part of me that’s missing anymore. Is it the pets? Is it the children? The house? The social gatherings?

It’s me. I was missing the me that I was without all of that stuff. I missed my Topamax. I missed not having migraines. And man, would I get them a lot. I missed being able to sit and have a Southern Tier 2x IPA without wanting 8 of them just to numb the pain. I wanted me back. Sometimes looking in the mirror and crying. Hating myself. So, I remember I went through a period where I put trash bags up to the mirrors. I know my kids likely didn’t understand what that was. Mommy hated herself for a long time because she was comparing herself to so many people and things in life and not measuring up. She hated that she had lied about things in life just to get by. Telling people, it was my house that was built down south. It was an ex whose parents built it. And I was embarrassed that he didn’t want to have a lifelong love with me. But we had gone and looked at Ryan Homes, but I wasn’t really ready to be a part of the buying process because of my credit. I didn’t want to leave my child at home. I wanted to stay home. He thought I was just being lazy. And when I look at that now, I realize there was always a desire to be something. There just might not have been enough time to explain to someone what I wanted to be. So that they could help me become that. Not only for myself, but for my children.

It wasn’t until I was hating myself for depending on a substance to get me through that I had looked at myself and said “Although you don’t lie very much, you can’t be a liar at all; really. It’s not a good look.” I became angry. Wanting to be honest. Craving those deep raw honest conversations about how I felt about everything under the sun. Because I know I have always had an opinion and a voice. It’s just the overshadowing of my insecurities that made me want to hide at times.

Growing up, if we stomped in the house my grandmother would make us walk up and down the stairs 20 times. So that we learned the lesson. It made me crave a part of myself that was obsessed about getting it right, no matter how many times I have to keep falling down and trying.

XOXO,

El’Aundra