Self Care Love

This picture gives me butterflies. I love architecture so much. I know I could just stare into an engineers eyes and ask questions. As my heart continues to flutter. So much I want to know. Respectively, as a fan of photography [this is a stock image]; loving the angles I was gasping. And naturally I just stared at the picture and just felt this warmth in my heart. Wonderful relaxing thing about life is the beauty in pictures of buildings.

Watch Fiddler on the Roof here on tubi. Imagine we are watching it together. I would surely be singing and dancing around the room.

Sitting here watching my one of my favorite musicals. Growing up I fell in love with these and it has never truly went away as an original love. I would love going around the house singing to my kids “Sunrise, Sunset.”

I was the lover of old, old, old movies and would watch that so much more than anything else. Also, the type to sit in bed with my laptop when the kids are asleep and write about things in a poetic form. I was “nicer” in a sense. Because I had a way to get out my thoughts. To transform them from a walk where I seem mad to a thought process in words explaining I am in more pain than I like to admit and that although there are many types of pain that don’t include physical at the same time. And with my emotional sometimes it’s a very tunneled mental runway. However untrimmed the surrounding trees are, there is still an escape to goodness albeit I may be walking through bad in literal present terms.

I then see this article titled “Lab grown teeth could be the future” and then think to myself

Some people are so incredibly insecure about their teeth. My objective is to love the entire you. Making it fair to get through the fight of who you are in your most positive and most negative. Alone or together it must be done. You do deserve a chance to do better. Be better. Have more. Want love. We have all been broken and compartmentalized and suffered because we wanted to be loved as a whole.

Some people like you watching them brush their teeth. They know that you love them and don’t care if their teeth are real or fake. Others hate you staring at them brushing their teeth. Because they know you are only trying to expose the fact that they feel insecure about their teeth. You may also feel that them not exposing their entire feelings about themselves enveloped; is up for your interpretation. You don’t have to read too far into it sometimes. Are you mad when your girl asks you to use the bathroom alone for her nighttime routine? Have you ever thought that it could be something about you that makes her want to be alone? Do you make her feel like staring at her is something you hate doing? Talking to her is something you hate doing. What if she loves you being in the bathroom at night after the kids are asleep and getting ready for bed and cleaning up the house. What if she really loves your presence because you love her so good and so much? Something must be holding her back oftentimes. I think it’s not only how we do take things if we are on the receiving end, but how the other person does things.

Posting this on Facebook, I was inclined to understand the hateful judgement of others sometimes. I know it hurts. I can sometimes be someone that hurts someone else with the words I say. Or what else would it be? The ill-mannered assumptive comments. They hurt. I want to give you a chance to think about a comment you would “normally” have and after reading, this there might be a different comment.

Let’s say for example, you knew that you found it fascinating the types of things someone does in routine fashion to take care of themselves. “I love that she washes her face with wasabi before bedtime.” Its envelopes you that they take care of themselves in such a wonderful way. Understanding that since this is your comfort to be with a woman that washes her face with only wasabi, you don’t care to make someone who doesn’t wash their face with wasabi feel like they are ever going to have a chance. You are in this mode of hiding. Deceiving. And what if you weren’t in this mode? Thinking of that perspective as well…

Now that you found love, you have your woman to yourself. You could be the type of person to sit there day in and day out watching that woman that captivates you to no end. Admiring her. At first, she does not think twice about how many times you watch her everyday washing her face. She does not understand much of how you find that to be something to be so obsessed with after a while. Understanding how you find it fascinating is more her question when she asks, “Why do you love me?”

I would often wonder myself as I was writing this, if you really cared and loved her you may go to the store and buy what she needs to be the best version of herself. The one you fell in love with. You are a good man to treat her with that respect. To not go and make fun of her in front of your friends because she washes her face with wasabi. You love her even though what she does in her daily routine is different. You wake up thinking of how you can make her into a better woman.

It’s as if the fact that a man or woman would want to stare at what they love. If it’s you and you are not comfortable with your looks; you can maybe understand that when someone truly loves, you it hurts them to see you uncomfortable with yourself and your looks etc. You deserve to be loved. To have love.

Not wanting to make a stink about how beautiful it is when you find something beautiful about someone’s self-care routine. Find anything. There’s always something about someone to love.

Fair enough, your self-confidence can be renewed. That’s the goal in life. The underlying meaning of the writing is loving someone despite their flaws in their self-care routine (and their desire to be better) is what attracts me instead of searching constantly for perfection and making them feel like they are beyond repair because their routine is not perfect. “You don’t brush your teeth every night, so I cheat on you.” Instead of loving you through growth. Finding out why they are not brushing their teeth, and you don’t really care to stop and resonate with that girl you claim to love and care for. You don’t want to understand that because you were constantly thinking of cheating on her.

How you think is “She is so stupid for forgetting to brush her teeth.” And yes, that hurts significantly.

And you, being her significant other, know that she is a chronically depressed person naturally. She had a rough upbringing and has tried to be better every day since being a child. But losing people in her life has made her very scared to lose any part of you that truly loves her, and you decide to open up and share with her. She doesn’t want to believe that the moments you said you loved her; you didn’t actually love her. And you beat yourself up because you cannot “fix” her and make her better. You can’t figure out the balance. She felt that betrayal when she went to sleep. It came to her that you were thinking of other females and then began seeing them as better and more attractive because they were never depressed. They were never sad. They were always happy. You can make her happy if you continue to let her get to know the part of you that loves her. The part of you that wanted to share yourself with other women reminded her of things she has been through before and she fell down. Did she take it the wrong way? Why not talk to her? There wasn’t a desire to explain. She fell and felt like she couldn’t get back up.

It then leads me back to myself again, thinking to myself; I know for me, gratitude is something I am always trying to be better at.

I have written through the chronic depression and need to understand how I heal myself. Or can heal others.

XOXO El’Aundra

*Things are often misspelled because it’s incredibly emotional to tears at times to re-read my writings.