I fell so deep in love with Gramatik in 2008. A conversation with a High School friend for years, our love for this music was always a topic I must admit. His music carrying me to far away places that I knew I loved escaping to, with words and art and childlike laughter around. Sometimes adults because I would just pop out my laptop no matter where I was.
I believe in the power of transparency. I truly do. I personally get disgusted oftentimes the less someone is transparent with me. Thinking of it in the sense that I love eating my ramen a certain way.
“Translucent: (of a substance) allowing light, but not detailed shapes, to pass through; semitransparent.”
“Translucently: The quality of allowing light, but not detailed shapes, to pass through; semitransparency
Sometimes thinking of myself as translucent…
That way they are somewhat ‘see through’ although they are not. 4 minutes and 15 seconds is the sweet spot on most microwaves. It was the summer of 2023. I was quite irritated at the downfall of certain things in my life and alternatively had no patience for much at the time. Sometimes life will feel like there is a force arguing with you, when you instinctively have no reason to have a force arguing with you in any capacity.
Well the argument is well within myself most times. Outside stressors causing an argument with or against me sets my intentions to write. To sing. To create. To paint. To laugh. To be around family. The joy that you can ultimately receive from the most in depth parts of yourself.
“What is your joy El’Aundra?” I would inherently ask my arguer, whether it be me or another person.
Developing a sense of mentally working through this wireframe of emotions, I formulate these questions. And I share with you my responses…
What is your joy?
Are you stealing it from yourself?
Where did it go?
How do you plan on getting it back?
Who is responsible for it being gone in the first place?
When do you want it to return?
What is your joy?
The asking of myself what my joy is a loaded question. What if there are so many things that bring you joy, pages and pages of paper cannot be filled in one hour. Shall it take days? Shall it take years? Lifetimes? What things give you chills when you read them? Have you up at night thinking about how to be a better person. With the definition of ‘Joy’ being: “A feeling of great pleasure or happiness.” Does your joy hurt others? Does your joy heal others? A quote I admire reads:
‘Karma moves in two directions. If we act virtuously, the seed we plant will result in happiness. If we act non-virtuously, suffering results.’
Sakyong Mipham
Are you stealing it from yourself?
I don’t think we share enough of our joys with other people that don’t include the obvious. I know your family brings you joy, but what song would you want to play at the dinner table that could be representative of your love for your family? Your respect for your community? Your honor and value when it comes to being held accountable as a mentor and mentoring those around you? Shall we not honor these topics, your joy can be stolen from yourself. Nevertheless, someone else can essentially steal something that brings you joy; but if you know how to recreate it, how is it really gone in the sense that you cannot re-obtain it because it was stolen in the first place?
Where did it go?
Oftentimes not realizing when we befriended ourselves and others less or worse than we have at other times in life; our joy can disappear. Alternatively, joy can reappear the more we make efforts to be our best friend or another person’s best friend. All lies aside. We should always think of the ways in which we treat others as a mirror to how we are also treating ourselves. And how will that then show up in your life? When or how will it have you to your knees praying for forgiveness? Not only is it understandable and human nature to come to this point, its revolutionary to our self improvement. My self help book list can be found here. I assure you, it will bring you a renewed sense of peace to read these books. They have helped me immensely. Another way to find your joy…in a nook reading a book. Do you find yourself so unbalanced at work, that it seems there is no joy anymore? Self help is a door that opens other doors to discover who you are and why you do the things you do. Without feeling like you are being blamed. Shamed. Discarded. The book is always there for you to go back and reference. Helping you reframe your way of thinking and create new and improved steps to walk through life…and all the while bringing you joy.
How do you plan on getting it back?
The work in ourselves to get the joy back can be one of the most fruitful endeavors we can go on with our subconscious inner self. I would look at the computer thinking, I am certain I have the inspiration to write and heal more than I have the inspiration to write and hurt. Often times people had no idea of my upbringing. My childhood might have been your perspective and less of mine. I chose often to be ok with people speaking on my life and me not speaking up for myself. Seeing the durativity of insecurities of sharing with others being a problem for me. I didn’t want my insecurity to write be something that lasted a long time just because a man or woman’s hatred for my perspective was something they felt their ego needed to feed on at the time. My ego was contained… in humble words collectively intertwined. Getting it back came with prayers, steadfast inspiration from the world around me. The senses that we have contributing the most.
Vision: The ability to see and interpret visual information.
Hearing: The ability to perceive sounds and auditory information.
Taste: The ability to perceive flavors through taste receptors in the mouth.
Smell: The ability to perceive odors and scents through the olfactory system.
Touch: The ability to perceive physical contact, temperature, and texture through receptors in the skin.
Vestibular Sense: The sense of balance and spatial orientation, which is crucial for maintaining equilibrium and coordination.
Proprioception: The sense of body position and movement, allowing us to know where our body parts are in space without looking at them {credit: Google}
Who is responsible for it being gone in the first place?
I chose to take responsibility for my joy being gone most times. Was it that I was not being honest with myself about how I felt about writing? Painting? The outlet of my creativity was not for someone else to put ropes around, and act as if I was in a ring to fight with them. Albeit, being honest with themselves would entail them to realize someone else has a story of who they are just as much as you. And they are just as entitled to speak their truth. It just happened that mine was resulting in a tad bit more art than Monet (no artistic comparison in style or otherwise, I admire without constraints). A tad more poetry than Edgar Allan Poe. Writing in a style that only I knew. How is it the very men and women that didn’t like reading what I wrote had no problem with causing the heartbreak and heartache in the first place? And yet, some movies and songs admired are about love. But you had no desire to love what I do creatively? I shall leave you with time and space of 40 years at least is sometimes what I would think in my head. My joy cannot be something I cannot get back. Some people use it to esteem their joy and then give thatjoy to the world. Ask yourself at this moment “Can I give more joy to the world.”
When do you want it to return?
I want it to return in time. In time I conquer the emotions, words, colors, smells and everything else to create my masterpiece. And no matter what, you should feel the same about your joy. For it reveals a sense of clarity, which is essential to the power of transparency. All transparency included, the joy will return to you when you open your heart.
