I became less concerned with how someone looked and more concerned with how they looked at me as I came into self over time. it was my waking up to the fact that I was repeatedly getting my heart broken by even the best looking of men. I was still crying over the GQ model…

There was always room for improvement in how I treated myself. I think if I really truly loved myself as much as I thought I did at certain times; I wouldn’t have tolerated the moments where I sat as a second option to someone. Is it true that they must go out into the world and discover the rarity in something special they once had and only then is it; that they realize the girl they once had was actually ‘the one’? I am exhausted just typing that sentence. It’s an even more exhausting thing to go through…mentally and physically. I have been there, done that a few times. I want to know he loves me when I look at him. I want to be able to feel like he’s there for all the right reasons. That’s what scares me. Someone who isn’t there for the right reasons.

Playing with my emotions was a theme with so many that I had gone on dates with or even briefly talked to. Mixed messages, stringing alongs, lies, deception, etc. (I have played with people’s emotions as well before; but I am not trying to paint from that perspective right now.) I think it hurt ten times as much when they would hide me. I felt that shit. Every. Single. Time. And it hurt like a motherfucker. What I didn’t realize at the time is that (the right) man for me would be proud to show me off. A REAL MAN would want to show me off. He wouldn’t WANT to hide me at home. And he would not be the type of person who felt like he owned me.

It wasn’t fair to me when I was treated like that. It really wasn’t. It was pretty fucked up honestly. I remember how my heart hurt after each time I met someone who was just plain awful when it came to being true and honest. And there were times that they themselves were so fucked up in their personal webs of lies that they just had me caught in it. I am no claim to having patience for nonsense and cut that shit quicker than a stray thread. But it’s about who you associate yourself with. There was one who was about 35 years old at the time and had no desire to have more in life. I was about 25. The difference in mindset was so vast. And because he did not want much for himself, he couldn’t understand my wanting more for my own personal achievement.

All he could understand is everything he wanted for himself. There was no further outlook into what we could want together or even what I wanted. I’d given just about everything I could give when it came to suppressing myself. I didn’t necessarily think it was easy, but I didn’t think it would take as much of a toll on me that it did . He wanted me to hide parts of myself that I was proud of. He wanted me to change pieces of me that I thought fit perfectly.

It wasn’t until recently that I confirmed it for the 129,543rd time that I am not meant to be with that person. Not now, and not ever.

Looking back, I just remember how naive I was to it. How accepting I was of him acting like he could find better. He would say it. Although I didn’t believe it; and still don’t. The evidence is clear. I was the best many of them ever had.

But those lessons carry me through everything I deal with now. And these are the men who apologize now and want to get back together with me. And wouldn’t you love to know what I tell them? I tell them no. I want better. I want someone who just knows he needs to hold on to me while he has me because he might never get that chance again. I don’t want someone who finally realized they made a mistake in how they treated me years prior, asking for a second chance. I’m glad for your sake that you matured and apologize. But I’m good on that beloved.

When there’s reciprocation, it’s called requited love. Requited love is a love that is returned. Unrequited would mean the contrary.

I had to look at this situation I had found myself in, with open eyes. I wasn’t really going to benefit by going deeper within myself while still blaming myself for the current circumstance I was in. I needed to appreciate how and why I had gotten here in the first place. I think that was really the first step to escaping this type of love that I felt.

The way I wanted him to love me was not returned how I wanted. It wasn’t mutual. That made it unrequited. No matter how many times I fantasized about us being together one day, it wasn’t a reality at the time. And it didn’t even honestly seem like something he wanted from me in the future.

I was left asking myself so many question afterwards.

I often think that I went through that to teach me how to recognize signs of someone with genuine interest. To be able to contrast versus no interest. But none of that mattered in the moment.

It seemed like he was perfect for me. We bonded over poetry. That was really the topic of our first date. That was the theme that night downtown. Although its been years since we met, the memories are still fresh in my mind. The feeling is still fresh in me. I still get butterflies when I think about him.

Ancient, distant, cold, unrequited love. And I fell hard…deep…slow. Which only made the pain so much more. It was the difference between being cut with a serrated knife versus a straight blade. The blade was dragging in my skin. I can see the flesh underneath. But it was like I didn’t care. If you imagined his “No, I’m not ready” being the knife; I kept going back to that feeling of love for him. Only to be cut open with the truth.

Most people back away from things that inflict pain on them. And he was in no way to blame. He was so honest with me. Told me what it was and I should have accepted it. The stronger, more level-headed me says that the vulnerable, disarrayed me was infatuated with his presence. Infatuated with his commitment to friendship with me. Infatuated with him.

I think infatuation can be both beneficial and beautiful when it’s mutual and I have had it be mutual. But we cannot choose who we fall in love with sometimes. I have been fortunate to have many loves in my lifetime. And they each came with their own lessons.

The lesson I learned form loving him and not receiving it in return is that my love is deep. And that can be something that someone knows, but whether the respect it is up to them. By my remaining true to myself and how I felt, I opened the door for him to be true and honest with me about how he felt for me.

So, for that lesson alone, I am forever grateful.

Here’s something about me: I like to say, “I want to understand ________” And it’s true. I definitely do want to understand the majority of things. So, here is my latest question marked mind-boggling scenario.

I remember the very heightened part of my dating life. And believe me it was fun. But I would study the reactions and responses from men I was dating. And if there was something about them that I didn’t like, then I would ask for it to be changed or I would just disappear. It’s so strange to understand but a major habit of mine is to run. I am a runner. It is so hard for me to sit and listen to some sh*& that I don’t want to listen to… like REALLY don’t want to listen to. And excuses was always something I couldn’t stand from many men. I think I always wanted the old fashioned chivalry in a sense, but that’s a story for another day.

Him: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Nothing… hbu?”

Him: “Ahh not much, so when can I come over?”

I recently had a conversation with a friend and she told me she feels like she was mad at this man with whom she had a similar conversation with and he was asking to come over. I said to her… “Think about where your decision is ultimately coming from. Is it coming from a place of vulnerability or a place of confidence. If you are dating this man and you’re comfortable with him like that, then don’t let society’s opinions get in the way of your happiness.” By all means, be cautious if you just met the person.

******Now, STOP and read that over again. Got it?*******

Here is how I approached the above scenario:  So, my problem was never them coming over. It was the fact they never asked HOW are you doing? Because how I am doing matters more to me than what I am doing. And to be honest, it should matter to a man thats truly interested in you. And that goes both ways. But you need to communicate that to the person you’re seeing or talking to. Because they might have dealt with a different type of woman that didn’t like the same things you like, etc. 

Here’s something I don’t like: When you say “All Men Cheat”… There isn’t one man on this earth that doesn’t like to be romanced. Men need that. They need the surprise, they need you to allow them to be a man. If you don’t allow them to be a man and do the things THEY are telling you, then don’t be surprised if something comes up. I warned you. But if you are under the belief that ALL MEN CHEAT, please stop. I don’t agree. And it’s making it bad for many men. It is robbing them of true happiness either because they have cheated on someone they were with, or they have never cheated but you are treating them like they did. If someone never did something, then please stop treating them like they did something. It’s not fair. And you will lose them. Then when your man comes to you with the same concerns, its ok for you to be treated differently because you’re a woman? I never really liked those types of judgmental stereotypes. These are our men!! These men are the future for our sons that we give birth to!! Don’t be like that. But I am getting carried away…

I had given it so much thought.
– El’Aundra Dolce –

So much of what I am is strong. I think given my complacent nature about many other things, and so amped up about what I’m strong about handling actually balances out. I can sit here and lie telling myself I am weak and I need to go harder, cry longer, and dig deeper. Because at the end of the day I am not built like any other woman that I have met. And other people know that and use it against me by betraying me in more ways than one. Because they know I am innocent. I am innocent of greed that calculates into negative. I am innocent of lustful attractions towards those who mistreat me. I am not completely sure it’s natural for people to say that to themselves. But for me it just comes naturally. I am sitting in a bed in a woman’s shelter. I have taken weeks and turned them into progress. I am moving into an apartment that will be considered my place of movement. The fact that I am able to sit and remain calculated in the bigger picture further proves my point.

There was a period in time recently where I didn’t have a cell phone and instead of being angry I was focusing in. I am still not getting my own personal life right if I am without a phone due to the people I am around the most. 

I couldn’t believe the girl that I thought was cool enough to leave alone around some of my most prize possessions would steal something from me. It was quite uncomfortable for me to continue to look at her. How irritating it was for me to go through. They then became suspect. My iPhone 7+ had the logicboard fail in it yesterday and I am without any of the funds needed to fix it… at least right now. I do however possess the skill and tools to fix it on my own without a large expense. I am going to go without a smartphone for the remainder of time I have until I am able to access my storage and get the tools needed to fix my broken iPhone. I will not be on social media other than to write. I am done. I need to center myself and the only way to do that is cut myself of every situation and person that is taking from me and draining me. I cant say that I haven’t tried to be patient and kind and reserved and modest in my efforts to be a good person. I have done all of those things. But the fact of the matter is that the more I continue to do for others without doing for myself, the more I am going to fail at my own hardships.

The Universe is telling me that if I don’t receive the message this time that I need to focus on myself and getting where I need and want to be personally; I will be stripped until I have nothing. And I will have done it because of my own fault. Because I am giving more to others than I am giving to myself. I am not here right now for them. I am not in Syracuse for them. I am here for my son. To claim my son because pain done to him is pain to me. And pain to me is beyond pain to him. It is killing him. If you have read anything about how I gave birth to my son, you would know that I love that little boy unconditionally.

Making a way out of here to be able to do everything that I need to do is the most important to me. I have been looking at apartments in specific areas and I want to be able to be close to those I know I can count on and can count on me. Now that I have my eye on an apartment, I will do what I have to do in order to get squared away with getting into it and making it to the next milestone.

I am ready.

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” –Aldous Huxley

In most cases, people are extremely unaware of the impact they can have on someone. I am guilty of this myself. But more often than not, we should think about the realms to which we exist. Where do we go from here? What can we do? Think of these things the next time you bite the hand that feeds you for example.

A common practice is that of being vindictive to another human being. Why? Why are you even wasting your time? Let the universe and karma take its course and see what happens. I am a firm believer that if you step back from a situation that you want to react with vindictiveness, and dont insert yourself, you will see the “karma” come. It may not come in a day, a month or a year. But it will come. We all pay for what we do to another person in one form or another.

In my own personal experience, I thought that by loaning a friend money (that I barely had, and was a single parent at the time) I was helping out a friend. That “sure no problem” would be honored with my money being repaid to me. It was a substantial amount of money too. If it was $50… that’s not really a big deal. But I am talking 6 times that amount. BIG DEAL!!  That was 4 years ago. I haven’t seen one cent. The biggest thing with me being your friend is that if you are a true friend of mine, I will try my hardest to do right by you. Sure, we don’t want to see our friends suffer but if someone helps you out please pay it forward. I guess I considered myself to be “petty” for a little while and then I was like no, I am not being petty. I am being real. I am just feeling what any normal person would feel. Monthly payments? Nope. Pay when taxes come? Nope. This is something that at this point in time, I am learning to let go. I have learned to not let people “borrow” anything from me. Money or otherwise. A friend of mine told me (a year after this ordeal happened) that you can always tell the state of mind and lifestyle someone is living by their actions. In other words. I was being asked for money. And if someone goes around asking people for money all the time, then you should think twice about their life and wonder why. We all have ups and downs but doing the right thing (in life and by people) will bring good karma, and we will continue to be prosperous more than we will continue to suffer. But once you roll the ball of suffering, it is a down hill battle from there and it is very hard to stop that motion.

Improve yourself guys. Look deep inside you and think “What can I fix with ME?”

Until a later time…

The hardest conflict to resolve is the one within yourself
– El’Aundra Dolce –

I always was told if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought everything that HE thought was wrong with me was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else.

I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to feel like I was crazy. As if I was the one who needed him in order to succeed in life. As if I was nothing without him and there was nobody better for me than him. The sad thing is that I started to believe it. I had gotten so out of shape because of how he was making me feel about myself and I started to notice people weren’t as attracted to me anymore. It was harder to make friends. It was harder to carry on a conversation about what I wanted in life and where my life was headed because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t know myself and I wasn’t able to discern whether it was because I had simply lost who I was or if I had just adopted how someone else felt about me as well as losing who I was.

There was no way for me to find out other than using time as my vice grip. It was the only thing that saved me. Time led me into learning more and more about the outcome of my decisions in that relationship. I saw the outcome of my good deeds when it pertained to him and they were hardly anything other than negative. I chose to sit and ponder my place in life with him as my master.

It wasn’t that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Rather, it was that I had given up on my wherewithal to get there. I didn’t have the energy to get there nor did I believe in myself enough to see that all I needed to propel myself forwards was strength, and nothing more.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and everyday dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me, and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and every day dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship, I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before, and I always told myself that once I am out, I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

*As with all posts, stock WP Photography. Unless otherwise stated. Thank you.

Flashback to a time where I was fluidly moving.

Living in my passion for the arts and taking control of it.

Until I met a man who believed a woman’s place was much different.

Just as much as I believed I needed to sacrifice my passion.

And creativity to keep someone.

Apprehensive, yet curious I wanted to see if I could change that view.

In his mind.

I got caught up on ideals that weren’t mine.

Expectations I didn’t want to be part of.

And became a woman I now don’t even recognize.

I felt like there was nothing left.

I feel like there’s more than ever now.

Whether I am alone or not.

Inside my soul it’s like silk sheets of Gold.

I feel just as warm as the Bourbon in my hands.