The Algorithm of Life

Can’t wait to keep working on my self titled book… but for now. I always tell people as long as you have good intentions, God can continue to provide great blessings. But when that falters, he has to teach us lessons. And I always intended on having my own documentary I filmed about my own life and book. Period. Any other way, people know how to have a debate with me. In person. My trauma in life from a young age taught me to be humble. And inspire others to treat me with respect.. And when I make mistakes, I own up to them, ask forgiveness and make changes. Without breaking others down. That, I don’t believe in. 🙏 Life can be gracious and so can God. I’m talented beyond belief sometimes. It’s just what others have believed in. And sometimes that lack of belief in myself has cost me a lack of stability in life, and finances.

So I say less. That’s how I feel about an algorithm that doesn’t work for the rhythm in my heart. Although I have devoted time to people who could have ultimately made my life better, they might not have done so in the way I wanted them to. Should I expect that help? Should I crumble and fall because I didn’t have the help? Should I feel more pain? Should I numb the pain?

Watch. Wait. Listen. That’s what it teaches us to do. And some of us aren’t waiting for approval from an algorithm to move ahead in life. Let alone another person to approve of us or our choices. Or keystrokes. I knew more about marketing and information technology than I would let people know. Yet I didn’t care. I didn’t care to argue with you. I cared more to make you feel numb. Void. Like you lack substance. Because you relied on an excuse for my wanting your help. You wanted me to sit here and tell you that I couldn’t live without you helping me get to a higher point. I can’t be anything without a man that has marketing tactics. I can’t live without a woman that wants to compete on social media. But in reality I can. It’s a wholesome attribute I wish to succeed in. A way of life that doesn’t demean the soul itself. Thankful that there is always a way for us to live in solace.

How it would come off in actions, and who they idolized would be this: It would be more attractive if the woman had thousands of followers. If she was very popular.

I felt like they wouldn’t want to be involved in elevating me. Giving up on myself oftentimes. Not feeling like it was a joint effort to be something together. Especially when your social background was something that could help me reach a new height, you were threatened. And backed off. Helping someone else gain followers and more engagement. So, I stopped caring. I left you to your own accord. To go and figure it out for yourself. If that’s what defines you then so be it. But I never held love for the men and women who held me down because technology held them up. It is something that is often used as a tool to elevate and help others socially but can be used as a way to abuse someone you are threatened by. Null in void, I didn’t care. I know it sounds great to be with someone that has a great social presence and can bring you a lot; but I didn’t expect it. I just knew I was good at writing and if the right person wanted to come along and help they would. If they wanted to help me open a restaurant they would. If they wanted to help me open a business, they would. I would go through these bouts of depression where I would feel guilty for shutting them out because I wasn’t here to compete with the other person you chose to spend your time with. When you were taught “See who competes for you best, then choose that.” I saw it as “If he sees me as full potential, I may reach mine with his help.” Knowing that at the end of the day the man is going to sit back with his friends and say he only used me for what he could get out of me at the time anyways. And that’s not necessarily something I would say. I would walk away grateful for knowing you, resenting the bad occurrences; but still holding strength that there will be and overcoming of fear.

Sometimes when I think of love in retrospect, I am shocked at my asexuality. I think about it like this: A man is going to satisfy his desires anyways and has already lost out so what’s the point in holding hope or a chance for him to ever come back? He will sit and tell you “I need space.” While he goes around and figures himself out likely through the satisfaction of other women. Maybe after you get yourself together or whatever he deems worth him coming back to (if he wants to come back), he may see you as worthy. I don’t even want to give you that chance. I think of it very much in the opposite. The path of females that has brought you back to me yet again repulses me because it’s souls that you’re taking while you could be trying to heal me. I have to sit and think about all those times you ignored my calls and texts just to be around someone else, but low and behold wanted to ignore me. So how much do you really care? When I ask for space, I take that space and sit working through things alone and by myself. Not trying to find myself by incorporating other intimate relationships only to bring back more baggage should I maybe get the chance with you. I would feel more worthy of a chance if I sat and worked on myself, versus sitting and entertaining short stints of pleasure here and there. Then coming to you saying I want to be with you for the rest of my life. That’s bullshit to me. My eyes get wide. My heart beats fast. Anxiety like no other takes over my body. And I have leave that conversation. I don’t want to have it. I feel like that person never wanted you to begin with. Which is fine. I sooner resent any involvement. How can you find space to breathe while gaining feelings for someone else? It just doesn’t make sense to me. There is a pang in my chest telling me that “This feels wrong.” Then there is a point where I tell myself “I can’t go back. I have hurt this person too much. They will never forgive me. I have lost out. I have lost them”

I always tell people this: YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO THE DETAILS OF SOMEONE’S TRAUMA.

Ask yourself how you would feel if I came to you after so many years had passed. So many people had been in a relationship with me. And I said “I have now realized how much you mean to me. I want to be with you forever.” It would be understandable and totally fine if you needed space to think that through because you had been celibate for years. Or you didn’t date, you focused on school and family and work. Or you had buried feelings for me. It would be even more understandable if you held resentment and felt like you needed to go through each and every encounter that had occurred in the interim of us not being together. Trust me, I get it.

I only know this because I have been through it. And vowing that I would not do this repetitively is the only thing that saved me from having a fake sense of feelings towards someone when it came time to tell them what the deal really was.

I found it disgusting that there were so many types of men who found devious natures in life attractive. So, I never paid attention to them. They might sit there and sulk. Saying that they wish it had been different. I knew you were just using me as a ploy to get to where you needed to be. And that’s fine. What hurts most is that I saw potential in your eyes that wasn’t who you truly are. I saw that you could be a nice gentleman. But you aren’t. I saw that you could be a good man. But you aren’t. I saw that you could take care of me. But never will. And I would go to sleep with peace in those dreams because I would take off your face and make sure there was no face. Don’t forget that I have had men who have loved me very much in my life. And cared for me. And my depression got the best of me so many times and it wasn’t their fault. They deserve to be honored for standing by me at that time and helping me through whatever pain I was enduring. Not blamed for not being better. Because they could have moved on to be better for someone else, and that’s really all you can ask. Is that someone learns a lesson. Much like an algorithm.

You gave me a place to stay and never raised a hand to me. You never walked around taunting me. Making fun of me. Exploiting me. Hurting me. You know who you are. Cheating isn’t something I sit around and stay hung up on. It’s how you treat me after the relationship has ended. Do you go to your friends and make fun of the turmoil I still go through? Do you sit with your friends and make fun of the fact that I get so severely depressed some days I don’t get out of bed? You tried and maybe sometimes failed. But overall, you had care and concern that was genuine in your heart and that’s all I can ask for. Because I cannot expect you to bear the weight of my burdens for how I feel about myself in life.

It was that expectation that I have someone that comes in much like a publishing house wanting to take your talents and bring you to a sense of freedom that helps your entire family; not just you. But never really getting that was something that I always felt guilty for. The lack of inspiration. The lack of motivation. The desire to settle. Which became comfortable. In a sense going back to my old lonesome self. Much like a crab in a shell. What would you expect me to do? Never mind that. That question could have a twofold answer.

There were too many times that I expected a double cab to show up with help. And a man in plaid to get out telling me that he wants me to go back to school. He has just built me a house. He wants me to work for myself and not overexert myself. And he wants to help me fulfill my dreams. I think that would make my parents proud. But the lie to myself began when I started believing this fairytale. So, I would tell myself to stop dreaming and be real with myself. Don’t sit there expecting. Don’t sit there dreaming. Just live in the present moment. And it has happened before, so I got comfortable with that being a reality again more than once. I think we all dream about a happy ending in life where we get married and stay married for life at least once in our lives. Whether we make that into a reality or not is up to us. But this was never something that I was striving to make a reality. I would just get so sad and feel inadequate when my friends would look at me and say “I don’t understand how you’re single” or “I don’t understand why you can’t find a husband. It wasn’t that hard for me to find one.” And sometimes I would think to myself

The Algorithm of Life hasn’t curved towards me yet.

There’s work to do when it comes to being social. When it comes to working in the community. When it comes to volunteering. When it comes to people being around you, they must read your face. Read your aura. And I was always worried that if I was going through depression and someone witnessed what I was going through, they would think it was because of them. It’s most often not. It’s because of my desire to be more. Which cannot be blamed on you.

I applied for an RN program and got accepted. With a debt payback plan, I will go back to work. And bust my ass. And try again. Because I had made a promise to a woman that was a pastor and married for 58 years. She was a resident that I sat and talked to for hours at a time. So inspiring, so loving. And I was happy yet apprehensive to try yet again. But the geographical location of the program and the requirements is what enticed me. And the fact that I know I have always been good at what I do. It’s a healing aspect for me. It has been something I have lived and breathed for such a long time. Grateful for the experiences that I have been through that have contributed to me failing out of previous attempts. But even more grateful that my motivation will allow me to repay debts, buy a house in the future and be there for my family and friends in a way that I have not been in the past.

Changing the algorithm of life.

XOXO,

El’Aundra