The Impact

I didn’t feel myself the entire time I was there. It was as if there was something that was weighing heavy on me. Like I was always being watched. No matter if I walked or took the bus to work. I did what I felt was necessary at the time. Singing felt natural. It felt wonderful in fact. I felt that because I love to sing, that this was a good environment to sing in. It wasn’t that I could not have sung at the nursing homes I was at. It was more of me not feeling completely comfortable with my abilities in that area. I guess there was something to be said about my time at home being depressed. I remember at one point at 3 am I was up and watching videos on youtube and other platforms that were filled with music. And going around the house singing. There was always something about the music. I wanted to

That’s the way I have felt for years now. In fact trying to feel some sense of normalcy in the world. It didn’t make sense why I wasn’t sleeping well. So I dove into some ways to make it make sense. I wasn’t taking anything serious at the time and was allover the place mentally, emotionally and physically. I remember the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach when I was going to work. A part of me knew something was uncomfortable about me working this type of job. Something felt hopeful. Felt comfortable about doing that type of work. I had just had some medical complications and needed to be kind and gentle on my body. But I wasn’t. I was not doing anything but beating it up. I felt like I didn’t belong on that road to work on the parts of myself that were still missing. What did I want out of life? How did I feel about things?

I knew I was taking in everything around me. Sleeping under the bush with my purple boots hanging out from underneath the bush. I was carrying around my backpack and trying to make my mind clear. I knew that there was a direction that I needed to go and so I went. What had happened previously was something that was not a positive experience for me to go through. There was a long winding trip that I had taken more than once going back and forth to my storage unit for clothes and my carrying my suitcase. Watching people that I had loved pass me by in my memories. Thoughts that I had about how I was too hard to love. I thought that if I was going to open the page of my heart for them to read, I would have flipped to the page where I said that I lost my smiles. And I blamed you for never being able to find them. I was clueless for so long about the ramifications of living with the remorse. I didn’t think about how I had treated some people. Asking myself how I impacted their life would have allowed me to reflect on what I could have done or could do next time to make a bigger difference in their life. I remembered when it was easier for me in so many more ways. I did not have the same type of feeling of worthlessness.