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I’d rather have a guitar than remember you
I told myself that the negative sides of myself I cannot forgive. There was greater reason to dive into the dark sides of my earth that combust when they are shaken. I was broken in so many pieces. There is no reason to save what you think you can keep for yourself. There’s nothing here for you to take. You have played so many games. So many angles. So many times. Too much. At once. And albeit the beginning of the end. The archetype of solitudes. I would have rather sat and cried myself to sleep a thousand times than feel how I felt then. I how I wanted myself to not feel. Missing the identity. I used to have of my own. I would have given anything to stand on my own feet and see myself as worth of more than his ideal pawn on a chess board. Tell me you love me and mean it. I beg of you. Making me feel some way about someone I have no desire to feel a way about. Just because you want me to be connected to someone thus does not make them a part of me. Everything about me can be for me on my own. And I have m town identity and should display it as such. But creating a way for someone else to desire to live vicariously through me because you’re too weak to love me in single form only makes me stronger. More separation. More space. And that’s what I need. Space and time. Because there was a point in time where my wounds were not this deep. They would have healed faster. And now that we have sat with open wounds. Corrosive hearts. And damaged souls, we long to point fingers. I long to point to the sky.’Look, a star.’
The one glimmer of hope I do have. Thank you. While the stars shine I will hum a tune. Figure out my path. Let life run its course. But understanding that a man that has my best interest will get to know me first. He will invest in me. Shall he be the negative energy force that drives a succubus; he shall be banished from my love upon the very realization that my love wasn’t his. Forgiving thyself giving more to the intuitive nature to instincts reach for his own, because you are beyond worthy of having your own. I may run from you. I may cry alone. I may sit in fear. I may not know how to be loved by you any more than you would know how to love me. But I know I have a bay window over the kitchen sink in my brain right now. And I don’t even want to talk about why that makes me think of building my view to be a bit different. A bit more satisfying in the aesthetically pleasing ways only my mind knows..drawing. Drawing instead of drowning. I felt like your heart wasn’t open. And I was drowning. But when I have a bay view with peace I will be ok.
Jacket: Forever 21–Jeans: Mossimo-Shirt: No Boundaries-Flannel: Forever 21-Belt: Vintage-Scarf: Nine West
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Scrub Lies. And Fired.
It was so gravity bearing to me to sit and be in a room of people that felt like slut shaming other females in front of me was attractive. The idealistic attitude I was searching for was something that was healthy and not so toxic.
Being fired for a cause is something. A reason. But the reason is just as useless as the time spent on it which got me fired in the first place. Likely related to a man from the past sticking his shit where he thinks it affects me. Or maybe the fact I was walking around the nursing home singing. Or maybe it was my PTSD dx in 2021. Misdiagnosed for years. Some of the simple things stress me out because they are so mundane it seems there is no reason to overlook the morale involved. But it could also be another coworker. Such as calling a coworker ‘super-aide’ knowing you are just trying to belittle the person working with you. And if that’s the case, that’s why I don’t ever engage. I would rather walk away.
This motivation to stay focused and be a different type of person around these types of people keeps me celibate. I would have gotten confused in any other orifice because you aren’t coming in a wholesome manner. You are trying to belittle someone else, and I am thankful that I would know before ever being intimate with you (and judging by mannerisms) you don’t have the desire to put GOD first in your life. My mind goes forward to the place where I don’t even bother formulating a reason or excuse is how I feel. I get back to work. So many times have I worked with “slut-shaming” female.
Did she not think about how parents might have had to pay the milk man? Or the butcher? Back when you would have been hungry and your parents loved you, yes. But they didn’t want you to go around slut-shaming people and kept their lives private. Whether lucrative in money or time; it was still something that was foreign to you because of their desire for dignity and privacy. Had this been exposed; you would realize you are no better than anyone else. Just your own person, essentially yourself. So again, why judge to that extent? There is no reason for it.
Living in truth, I am glad to move on and be away from people that give me creep vibes anyways when it comes to working with them and feeling completely comfortable. There’s a decent amount of fake. And here went the PTSD flashback to June 2024. I was working 80-100 hours a week at this nursing home. And there was a nurse that was giving another CNA meds to pass. I filed a state complaint. All I was thinking was how I was 6 weeks from graduating from the LPN Program and people were so willing to stifle my success by berating me about little things. Not realizing what I was going through in life.. And it was ridiculous. I come into work at the facility after doing 4-16 hour shifts in a row. The HR supervisor and Staffing Coordinator pull me in a room and tell me I wasn’t wearing scrubs and seemed to have an ‘attitude’ and I was being fired. I just sat there like we were on Oprah. And I am not jumping on the fucking couch. That is straight disrespect. Never wore anything but scrubs. Not inappropriate wearing tank tops everywhere and my ethics in the nursing field is still to question. And my Danskos were in a locker. I have been 321 pounds at my highest. Do you mind going to the woman wearing skin tight scrubs and discriminate against her? My scrubs are grey Grey’s Anatomy scrubs. And here you are with this moronic argument.
I’m the gold when I am telling the truth. I am the asset. It’s the liabilities that recognize the assets and still have jealousy and ignorance in their hearts. Which waters down their value. And I am glad to be valuable and shine amongst a decent amount of invaluable people and energies. I provided strength and beautify the aura with classical music even. I know I’ll be missed. I couldn’t guarantee the feeling of love and joy will be reciprocated. Which is sad.
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Don’t Lose Me
Lost in work and it’s 16 hours of stress sometimes. This is the Holidays and definitely a very joyful time of year for many. When I have time to write while I am at work, I do not spare the opportunity. Usually taking a couple of minutes. I truly hope you enjoy.
“Thank God I found you.”Whisper those words again in my ear.
Just like you did when we connected.
Like two stars in the cosmic atmosphere.
When you said it the first time.
Poetry in my ear and on your skin.
You are my inner force of love.
And strength within.
XOXO, El’Aundra
Disclosure: Don’t take things personal when I write them.
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Enamored Winds
I would have liked to have had more time. More songs to sing. Music being the one thing that allows me to feel free, and comfortable alone on my own. I never understood what it was, that peacefulness. I just passed it up as an energy because of who we were as people. Standing by the tennis courts, talking to my Aunt about work and what we were up against with creative projects. Arguable, it was one of the hardest times of my life. I think it was the not knowing as much as I wanted to know about the past and not being able discern where I had gotten things wrong. I had always loved being outdoors. Being alone in the woods. Roaming the woods with friends. Swimming in the creeks. I have just always loved being the country girl at heart. My desire to be one with nature. I remember the way I felt when I saw that beam of light in front of me. Bright, bright, bright, bright. Neon bright. I had given myself so much credit for being able to drink that in. I remember running up after thinking to myself “You need something to remember me by. I don’t want you to ever forget me.”
I went into my bag. I pulled out a pass to my heart. And I gave it to the wind. Hoping it would carry it away as if to create a world with me in it. The wind heals. The wind carries currents across borders. Crossing the ways of all inhibitions. Creating waves of relief. Creating a thump in my heart. What the wind does to me nobody knows, because I am the only one that feels it. But it took my breath away. Because you are the wind. And it’s taken my heart ever since. I wanted to ask do you know what this is? Is this something and I am just not seeing it? Is the wind trying to speak a love language to me. I don’t want to give up on this. This feeling of delight blanketed around me. It was such an intoxicating experience. As if a man that played the safety position on a football team can create safety for you in your life? Asking myself that. Can you keep me safe like the wind I ask? Can you be a wall, a force for me? When in reality, I have always written in my mind and heart that your husband is the safest man you have been with. The wind is my husband. Safety meaning you would be keeping an overall watch on everything else. Just like the wind. Taking my breath away when you carry me all the way down the field in your hands to reach a goal. It’s the same in life. The wind takes you away. Because you deserve it. And so do I. I deserve the type of love that’s so goddamn beautiful it makes you want to cry. I love the wind. Wiping tears from my eyes as I picked up my scarf off the ground… and the wind loves me.
I would give my heart to you I would. Make a way for you I would. Because you can be safe for me and you should. I tell the truth about how I feel for the greater good. And if I could be made for someone like the wind, I would. Never stray, and always loyal faithful and good. I would not say no to you, trusting in you as the lighthouse on top of the hill shining on the open seas while I navigate the world. Commit to the wind forever I would. Like Pocahontas dancing in the fields, like every woman feeling those butterflies of love should. Wind, to me you are good. Be the wind.
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All I Ever Wanted
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Libra Sun, Aries Rising
This is fascinating to me because in the rawest form of life I am not perfect. But I do understand some things about birth charts and the spiritual realm. I found this paper and was enamored by what it said about my sign. I remember doing my birth chart with a couple of young girls I was working as residence counselor at a Sexually Trafficked Teen Youth & Runaway Home in NY and had been at home with my family and talking about things that were on your charts. When we were working in the group homes with MH/DD it was also something that was nice to do in activities. Although a lengthy creative process it was fun. I always loved the idea of running an entire series on what I found and sit with other people because they don’t get to when they’re 70 years old in a nursing home.
This person is often quite beautiful with a subtle sense of sensuality. Regular structured fitness and health. Be responsible. Ensure harmony in all unions. Before working out; say a gratitude prayer and have a cup of coffee. After a workout; have a hot shower, followed by a healthy breakfast. Get sun.
Being impatient for the most part they produce a very inharmonious impression and are in disagreement with themselves. Their passionate desire leads them to defeat. They have brightly attractive attractive features. Libra with Aries sun doesn’t want to seem soft, put in a shell of militancy. They could be very nice if they allow themselves this. Usually creatively gifted. The more they are turbulent, the less they need to counteract, or they must shut themselves up in a cell where tension subsides. Then they can create works of art or anything else. The life of their feelings is exaggeratedly emotional, so pauses here are beneficial, and creatively fruitful. Others should treat them with patience…
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Floral Lace Shawl & Scrunge Denim
April 2024
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Smile More
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Hand Picked Outfit. 🩷
I don’t do crew socks but I’ll blow the mind of the crew. -El’Aundra
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The Fear Of Nothing
I was sitting and thinking about getting the chips of paint off the stairs I was asked to clean. It’s work. And work is good. But what isn’t good is the energy I give myself. I talk to myself in such a way that is so awful and mean. Sometimes I want to be left alone. I don’t understand at times what people’s boundaries in life might be. In life we make an accident sometimes or we just have this idea that we were what most people would consider flawed. We spoke our honesty. You might not have meant to. You might not have known what the issues might have been with you. With what you said. With what you’re doing. And it’s so sad that people exist who are there in such a way to distribute their insecurities on your life. You broke me and I returned to work broken. Unfiltered. Washed up. Wading by the cliff…to jump into the waterfalls of peace. Of presence. Of entanglements in happiness. Relax. Unwind. Be free. Actively entertaining the essence of growth and consideration for myself. It hurt. There was so much missing in me. Something forever gone and me forever guilty. Guilty of insecurities. And faith. Faith in me. Faith in the past. Faith in the present. Faith in the future. I didn’t realize that someone else would feel uncomfortable about my using my talent. But you don’t realize what your craft is to you isn’t the same to someone else. I get tired of misconceptions. I was pregnant. And I was going through such a mental turmoil in my life at the time, I just couldn’t get my footing. I kept slipping. We all fall, sometimes in emotions. But it’s how we get up that matters the most.
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Let me tell you
Can I tell you how beautiful I already am. How beautiful I want to be. Can I also tell you what I’m running from? I’m running from a world that’s evil. That world was my past.
I always felt beauty. I always relished in my way to captivate an audience. To take people by storm and win. That’s the goal. But the right way. The demonic tense always told me that the demon was at me from where I was coming from. It was someone close to me. So I started thinking that I’m losing this person. He would tell me that my mother is evil. And I was like what do you mean. My mother is passed away and my mom is alive. And I didn’t support the connotation. I knew me as feeling a confident woman. A beautiful woman. A concept of comfortable sorts. As I didn’t want him portraying me as something different. He broke me baby. So hard. And they’re more but I can’t tell you. What I can tell you is this.
I sat down on the couch. He had texted me asking me to come over to his condo. He was not the demonic presence. But something felt uncomfortable about being there. He said something about having a million dollar idea. And I was confused at the time. But I was thinking to myself I’m worth so much more than what my circumstances are. And so I went to sleep that night in his bed. And he was so disrespectful with his mannerisms. I’m sleeping next to you and you hit me in the head with your arm half asleep over my head like three times. I have to inch closer to the edge of the bed. I didn’t understand this. He just wanted me to please him. Didn’t want to please me the way I wanted to be please. Only using me for what he needed at the time. It was awful. I set my alarm for my Uber for early in the morning. I had to walk to work. I was working a job cleaning apartments. And as I walked around I thought what million dollar idea is he talking about? Because when I asked him he said nothing about it. Ignored my question.
So then I thought about my current circumstance. I thought about everything I was going through. I was going to work at a job where I was cleaning apartments. I had just left a relationship where a man desires me to literally be something I am not. Someone I am not. He wants me to be filmed all the time but not in the sense of what I am comfortable with… consenting and being paid. So therefore I thought to myself I wonder if he would ever try to tape me going through what I’m going through…
Then I thought to myself I wonder if this would be a good million-dollar idea for someone who hates me… make one of the most beautiful talented women I know look broke. Make fun of her being broke. And then I just went I work. I went to work on myself. And when I saw Luther Vandross on Instagram with his weight loss I was enamored. I had lost 150 pounds. And I don’t remember being congratulated and appreciated for so much in life. Like if you found money on the ground, if because you know I’m broke and want to monetize my social media; why would you offer 1/3 of what you found? I was offended. So I said no. I’ll manifest my own money. I don’t want it. You found $60 and want to give me $20. That’s not good enough so I’ll manifest my own. You found it. Keep it yourself. A man appreciates what he’s greatly sacrificed for. I am sacrificing quite a lot to come onto these social media sites with everything I have had to hold in for years. I can’t wait for more and more love around me.
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Repeating
It’s a stupid genre of repeating.
I look at the phone.
I almost threw up in my sleep.
Almost farted.
All I hear in my ears is classical.
That’s peace.
Classical in my ears.
Around me.
Anything else isn’t leave.
Nowhere nearby.
Disruptive technologies.
The devil uses.
To bring himself down lower.
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Long Ago
How it was a couple times.
Long ago.
Was that if a man didn’t realize.
Or recognize.
Or massage my talent.
To sing or write poetry.
And want to invest in me.
And lift me up.
Then they would cheat on me.
And not realizing that they’re investing.
In someone’s sex.
Thinking it’s going to be a bigger payout.
Then my talents.
And I can’t be mad.
If that’s not the person.
I would just move on.
I wasn’t concerned.
With what models they dated.
I cared about who I was.
As a person.
And how I treated and loved myself.
Which then bled to other people.
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In order for
Sometimes in order for complaints.
To not go through.
You have to have a police officer.
Cover for you.
Just so you can keep doing.
What you’re doing.
To me.
Without retribution.
Except I had connected with people.
Of a different intellect.
And asked God to take away.
This hate in my heart.
I was walking around my house.
Feeling like it was evil.
I didn’t want it.
I felt sick.
And I remember thinking.
Double pregnancies too.
But I didn’t go dive deeper.
Into the thought.
Thankful that I had something.
But my stress.
Made it so I couldn’t carry.
What was going on.
Was making it so I couldn’t create life.
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Evil Motives
And if you’re never going.
To be as honest as me.
The woman you’re standing.
In front of.
Isn’t worth marrying.
I told you how honest I was.
And you didn’t respect it.
So,as a man.
Raising children.
You’re telling me you want.
To live your life with a dishonest woman?
I get turned on by how good I am.
I don’t need to whisper how evil I am
Because I’m not being evil
So,in fact if what turns you on.
Are evil motives.
No wonder why.
I would rather be celibate.
And stay tight.
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You cannot
You can’t make someone do anything.
I can’t make someone tell me the truth.
I can only ask for it.
I can’t blame someone.
For what’s happened to me in life.
There’s not enough mistakes in life.
To equate to the emptiness and loneliness.
You feel for a lifetime when you’re ignored.
Shamed.
Ridiculed.
If God told me that I needed to pay.
And my pastor told me.
To come forward with my trauma.
I’m trying to figure out why deny someone.
The very truth that sets them free?
Because you want to keep me bounded.
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A Poem To Me
I don’t think you realize.
How beautiful you are.
I love how your eyes glow.
I love staring at your smile.
You look so much like your parents.
Especially like your mother.
You’re just a beautiful creature.
In this world going around.
Giving light baby.
Sunshine baby.
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The Strong Ones
And it’s the strong ones.
That inspire you.
To fight.
Because we have been insecure.
We have been battered.
We have been used.
Over and over.
We have been used as lessons.
We have been used as inspiration.
We have been used as revenue.
But yet we never get a chance.
To get renewed.
And maybe we haven’t done.
What you have.
But still needed hope.
Still needed peace.
Still needed guidance.
Still needed loyalty.
Still needed trust.
Still needed respect.
Still needed love.
And you chose to banish.
Until you’re banished from their light.
Strong, warm, enclosing light.
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07.03.24
Woke with the immense desire to lay flat all that controls my emotions. I slept on the couch. I had fallen asleep on the couch while we were watching a movie. I woke to notice that I had most definitely not gone to the bed. He had already gone to the bed. I was so tired. My hip was bothering me last night. Sometimes it feels like such a deep rotting pain it puts me to sleep. So I just leave myself to the side of the spiritual pain body to be released.
We were watching a movie last night that really provoked so much other thinking in my mind. It was so interesting how this man was so damaging to these associates of his. How he talked to them. It was quite awful. So, I began to think about the way he abused this woman while he was talking to her. The dynamic was toxic, and he was very much psychologically abusing her. But then she became more of a journeyman to the abuse delivery and began dishing it out to people that created an insecurity inside herself.
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Full Disclosure
Full disclosure, I don’t get called beautiful often. So I relish in being able to do it for myself. Many times whether single or in a relationship, someone may get comfortable and not shower me with compliments like I shower myself. I zoomed into this picture so deep and just felt my heart flip. It’s not that I am in love with myself necessarily, it’s that I am essentially two people. And although I have a twin that is deceased, I am in love with myself in the way that I am also in love with the other half of me because without that I am somewhat incomplete. Albeit this isn’t a sensual context I am explaining, I complete myself by loving the true me. I relish in someone being able to appreciate me and love me for my depth. I guess what I’m saying is that when a woman gets dressed and pretty you neglect to compliment her genuinely and she’s within your reach or yours; it builds up like bricks. Piling up. And it compounds. Then she doesn’t feel beautiful. Although she may hear it from someone else. Or even feel it from someone else. And I know for me, thats a major reason I had left so many encounters platonic. They just didn’t recognize my worth.
www.elaundra.com is where I have full writings of even things on here. A dream is to write books.
