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My grandmother died, and I broke down before graduation
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Veneers… The Journey to begin
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I WAS HIT BY A CAR IN 2023 IN SYRACUSE NY

Morning Vibes

July 1, 2024 / Comments Off

Guys, I have to figure out what’s wrong with me. There is something wrong. Let me tell you, I’ll be in my head thinking about something and here I go with a thought. But the thought is fine. It’s the delivery. I have not had this website as a fail safe for a while. It’s been on the ‘under construction’ mode for quite some time. And with that being the case, I was primarily using social media of other forms to post my feelings. Now, all of a sudden last night I had a panic attack at work. It was revelatory and I just kept saying to myself ‘I hate this’. Because I start crying and then my head feels like it’s swelling up. And then

’He found the love of a good woman..’

And in my goodness I will have to say this. I have to say that I will vow love my husband; to conform to the new ways of this world. I must say that I will make it my infinite desire to please him. And my heart is big. My mind is full. My soul is deep. I really feel a little ethereal in this sense. I know. Because I really truly would allow him to have 4 girlfriends. Even if they were my best friends. And we are married. But he knows his boundaries. And I know mine. So he knows himself. And I know me. But we are never without one another. Because our house is a home. It’s just not only a home to us. He accepts the mind body and sexuality I have. He understands that the alternative could also be me marrying 4 men and pleasing all of my husbands making my friends happy too. There’s sooooo many ways this could go. I just want to love and honor him for honoring me. And even if that’s more than one, that’s ok. Because in this world, as beautiful as it is; it’s natural to want to please someone. And sometimes there’s other ways to please that create a nice environment to create confidence love and security to prosper and have deeper more meaningful relationships with people. That’s the real me.

I know I have work to do. I have so much apologizing to do… and it’s something that can be done. Because I really do love more than I hate. I just need the space and time to come back around after certain things in life. And I know that hurts people. But I’m nowhere near perfect. So I just want to focus on a way I can stay stationary as someone that isn’t lost for all of these people who feel like they lost me. Because again, people make mistakes. And I would not be my real self if I said that I couldn’t forgive someone. I have to. And I have to explain myself. And I have to be better and do better. And I have to understand where I went wrong and how I can fix things. Especially if it means how I’m seen sometimes. I’m just saying, there’s a reason God made me who I am. And maybe I have a good foothold on the beginning of some way to find my purpose. Albeit a wife or an rockstar or a model. Inspiration of some sort right?

So going back to the first paragraph, I looked over and asked him ‘Is good the same as nice?’
A good person doesn’t have to be nice. But you can have a good and nice person. And a nice person isn’t necessarily good.

Sometimes I overextend. Blaming you as a man and acting like you’re everyone else. Which you then don’t deserve. Read back to something I posted yesterday when I was having a moment… essentially no. I want to state I was not fair in what I said. It was improperly posted, amongst other things I was addressing; this in particular is my current thought…

I said ‘I’d give you a chance if you were not like the men from my past’

Edit: ‘I’d give you a chance because you wanted the chance and I wanted to give it to you.

That then allows the person to understand they can have an open and honest conversation with you and you are open and receptive enough to receive it.

The former statement makes men not want to be around me. And I know myself. That’s just not me… so as I continue to get comfortable settling back into who I am I figured I would share my thoughts.

I know myself.
I’m sorry.
El’Aundra

El'Aundra

Poetic

EL'AUNDRA

WRITER

Full Disclosure: I have been a poet since a child. You would have or should have known that about me before dating or entering a relationship. I have never been proposed to or married. I believe that you don't own anyone. So, no matter what I was doing; I was fantasizing about love. Should you take that offensively, that's not how poetry would be written to 'offend you.' It was written to heal me. So, I don't want you to feel that way. Don't get into wondering if you're the subject of the poem, just read without glasses of judgement. Then it is nothing for you to think you can speculate on who it pertains to. Or assume Daily Affirmation: My heart is always open to give and receive love. ‘You’ as in a multiplication of people I have encountered and had affiliations with throughout the year. Miguel Ruiz has a principle DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL ❤️ I have many times over been through what you have either put me through, have been through yourself or never experienced. Some topics might be sensitive and resonate. I do not lie about dates or anything I write. It's all in truth. I do not steal writings from someone else. I have written since I had nothing else to do at 2 years old after falling out of a 3rd story window. I would have thought that there would have been more of a scenery on this road to this point. Leveled by trenches of heartbreak, taken under by waves of grief. Experiencing every type of anguish possibly known to man. And yet my face only brought some men pleasure while they were in the arms of another woman. My aura was only enough for them to want to hurt me because they hated my voice. Carrying torches of stained experiences. Wallowing in the depth of my shame because of how your hatred for not only me, but yourself; made me see the light. But little did they know, that's literal, metaphorical and figuratively speaking. And I know you hate me, that's why I never stopped writing about how you made me feel. Thats important in the healing process. I always had fashion, singing, sewing, art, and many other creative things in my life that gave me happiness before the heartbreak. So it's imperative that I get this out... inspire others through Makeup, Fashion, etc just as I did in 2009. Living in Charlotte North Carolina opening up products being sent to the house for me to review.❤️

Given The CircumstancesNovember 25, 2008
“What about him Lonnie?” “Really?” I said. “He isn’t exactly my type and he looks like he is a player.” “He’s not. He’s a really good dude. A big strong dude.” “Hmmmm… I just don’t think he can handle me. I said to my cousin. She was trying to set me up with this absolutely gorgeous dreamboat that was love at first sight. So it started there. It was more of an if, when and why. It started with hello and how are you. But something about him felt hard to me. It seemed like he needed to be softened. He was just so edgy. But I loved it. And I am not used to that type of man. He has a great smile. just not the type of insatiable chemistry I am looking for. I got his phone number and we texted back and forth.
Me Dot ComOctober 22, 2009
I have a unique name. And I was blessed with the opportunity to carry that name stemming from my grandmother’s first & middle name. It was so very difficult for me to write my name in kindergarten. And it was even more difficult for the teachers to attempt to pronounce it correctly. Once middle school came around, I was pretty used to the… “Is El-on…here?” “El’Aundra” I’d interrupt, “And yes I am here” How annoying it became. But patience came in the form of me realizing that they were new to my name, and I was lucky to not have a name like everyone else. Or was I? Once high school came around, I was pretty much wishing I was Marie on Wednesdays, Cynthia on Thursdays, and Brooke on Sundays. Why, I don’t know. But I wanted something easier. Something much simpler. Something that could not be manipulated. As much as my name was ripped to shreds by the time it came out of most people’s mouths, I was still quite thankful for such a clever name. But what was it that made me want another name? Why wasn’t I satisfied with my own? Who was to say that if my name was something else that I would have been satisfied with it? The guarantee came when I got away from those who saw me everyday and met new people. And they liked my name. They thought that it was beautiful, unique, pretty, interesting, different and one of a kind. Unbeknown to me, it was becoming something that I was proud of. And understanding that even though my name was hard to pronounce, it was beautiful in it’s own special way. Growing and maturing has allowed me to become interested in making my name a [dot com]. When I had first started blogging, the idea had crossed my mind; but I wasn’t too serious about it at the time. And now that I see a great amount of potential in my blog, I am pleased to announce that my blog is no longer titled “EDK.DOLCE”, and the blog is no longer at “www.edkdolce.blogspot.com” The blog is not titled “El’Aundra” and located at “www.elaundra.com”How amazing is that? Pretty darn amazing. EDK.DOLCE is still a part of my website and my MUA work. It’s on my business cards because it’s a great business title. And it’s still professional. Have any of you ever disliked your name at one point or another? What name did you dream of having? What do you think makes some of us unsatisfied with our names?
Healthy Me Featured Follower: TaniaOctober 22, 2010
1.Introduce yourself, what is your name? Tania.2.How old are you? 21 years 3.Where in the world are you? I was born in Portugal but i live in Belgium 20 years. 4.Do you have a Social Networking site like Facebook that you want to share? http://www.facebook.com/#!/tania.selena 5.Whats your blogs url? http://glitterglamtania.blogspot.com/ 6.When did you start blogging?09/09/2010 7.What made you want to blog? I love writing and wants to help more people through the Internet. 8.Why a blog focused on health & fitness? There are many people in the world who would want to be slim. Everyone wants a goal, better health, just by fashion-conscious clothing to dress your look slimmer. And make-up course 9.Whats your favorite workout? Bootcamp of zusanna http://www.bodyrock.tv/ 10.What are 5 things about health/fitness/yourself that you want your readers to know? 1. I love fitness. 2. I like learning new things 3. I want to help more people 4. I send love and motivation 5. You are not alone to get to your goal11.Whats the best health advice you would give? healthy eating and exercise a lot.12.Who or what inspires you the most to be healthy? everything13.Do you believe its easy to live a healthy lifestyle? It is not easy. If you are in balance your life will be easier. You are not alone because I am participating. I also want to reach my goals.14.Who is your celebrity health/fitness inspiration? comes from everywhere.15.Whats one most interesting thing about you? I am a medium so I see spirits / souls and I can see the future. That’s more private. And so I want to help more people. Got questions? Comment on my blog. And I’ll help you. xxx
Fashion Surveillance- Rachel AdamsOctober 23, 2010
Fashion Surveillance is something new I’ve started. It is 8 different looks (red carpet & candid) from 1 celebrity. Here goes to the first one: Rachel McAdams… So what look do you like the most? Are you a fan of Rachel? I personally love her. She is such a great actress and has so much poise.
The best I can do isOctober 23, 2010
Sometimes I think the best I can do is more for myself. I am thinking about this in a selfish way. I don’t mean to make you feel some typr of way. But I know that I know I need to feel the feeling I have felt before where I did not care about what a man thought about me. I was more concerned with pleasing myself. Because knowing that pleasing him was not going to get me anywhere and it was going to be something that was going to fulfill him for the long run. But will it fulfill me for this time that we are in now. I want to be able to trust you. Bit I have been burnt so many times before and I don’t like the fact that so many people have made me into something that I don’t have to be. I am not something for myself to look back and regret being. But in some ways I do, And I think it sometime is because i regret the things that someone had me go through. I don’t have to go through that and you made me feel so bad about myself I didn’t feel like I could trust you. You were something that made me feel so insecure and unloved it made me look for love and security elsewhere. Artichokes: They have only 60 calories. They contain phytochemicals that may lower cholesterol. Lemon H2O: Lemon peels contain pectin- a soluble fiber proven to help immensely with weight loss. Lemon water helps you feel fuller. Just add lemon juice to your water!! Red Grapefruit: I read about a study where a woman ate half a grapefruit with each meal and lost 3.6 pounds over 12 weeks. While those who drank it 3 times a day lost 3.3 pounds. The red kind has more of the cancer protecting antioxidant lycopene. *make your skin glow!* Figs: They have been shown to perk up your looks and slow the aging process. Eating a handful of dried figs increases the number of antioxidants in your blood for four hours. Which is much longer than many other foods. Red Bell Peppers: These have large amounts of Vitamins A, C & E. Which makes it a superfood. Watermelon: This also has the cancer fighting antioxidant lycopene. And it provides 33% more protection against sunburn than other fruits. *bolster that body* Blueberries: The neural pathways in our brains are growing and improving all the time. Eat the right foods and you’ll be able to concentrate better, remember more and feel calmer. Blueberries may improve memory, cognition, and balance. Researchers believe that blueberries reduce inflammation and help us overcome the normal effects of brain aging. Cinnamon: Researchers believe that cinnamon may inhibit certain Alzheimer’s disease cells. Plums: These fruits decrease anxiety-related behaviors, and researchers think they protect against depression. A perfect lift me up for a gloomy day!!!

El'Aundra

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