An entry of other proportions, I will share what has been in my drafts for a couple months. I was working a decent amount at the time. I’m drained of my energy. And in pain. I need to rest. It’s not you draining, just typical life process. I have the opportunity to return. I’ve just been terrified to open up to anyone. Nothing or anyone a problem in particular but I haven’t been the same since I left here in March. I just need country scenery. And air. And a massaging pad. Weighted blanket 50lb. Hot 120 degrees bath to fuse my bones back together in a sense. All I hear and feel is creaking. I haven’t been able to process much in the last couple of days. Every scenario in life has a connection to spirituality and I’m drawing closer to my faith but still having issues with pain visualization. It takes me a while to open up to people. Grieving an old me in some ways. I would often return to celibacy on some fronts to come closer to my confidence. I always felt I was worth more than what I meant to people in Syracuse and Buffalo and just wanted to be happy, but I was looked at as a bad person for escorting. And treated as such. By most people on the outside looking in. A few clients I liked but I was heartbroken after I didn’t see him again in March and gave up on opening that side of myself up again. I did many things out of desperation. Pride and not wanting to ask for help. Just wanting to get by on my own. I couldn’t bear being looked at like I was wrong for only being myself on my media productions. Then I take it off because I feel uncomfortable and don’t see myself or body the same after the car accident. Looking at my scars crying. Real shit though.

Hoping I would be able to appreciate what I just went through. Still in shock 6-8 months after it happens. And here I am 10 months post, and I know I have some healing to do before anyone ever sees me worth marriage.

Or a relationship. So, I am fine with that work. There’s just a little more work to do. I’ll be ok. August last year I posted a video. Deleting it January-ish.

I just wanted to be secure in myself. Wanted to feel loved. Feel beautiful at the time. I was going through so much. That’s what I really needed. And I couldn’t find it. Kept losing that hope. Over and over. And as I oiled myself up with Vaseline sitting next to him on the couch I tried not to cry. I have so much work to do on myself. I put lotion on my legs. My arms. Oh, my arms. They hurt so bad from being broken in 7 places as a child. But I manage. I just wanted to appreciate. So, in my head I’m doing affirmations. I reach back to oil my hair and body and go to sleep. Sweet dreams

XOXO, El’Aundra

Psalm 51

Proverbs 31: 10-31

My sincere apologies I haven’t been myself in years in more ways than one it seems…

As I undoubtedly ask for forgiveness for my behavior after acting erratic in a notion to find a sense of calm in life. Yet I self reflect. Thinking in the perspective of the other person who may have received my upset in words; lest action. Understanding people are entirely different each own. I encourage fluid existence. Still thanking God for life but understanding that if it wasn’t for him in my life a lot of things about my life that are difficult for me to comprehend are very much in despair when I need them to be alive. Feel alive. We need love to exist. Am I supposed to sit in a hotel room in a destitute time in life and feel like I am not worthy of catapulting emotions in the same regard as increased dopamine ‘self-induced’? I think not. I will not allow myself or my body to feel like it is worth less. I can change that by how I feel about myself and how I treat others; especially because that relies on how I feel about myself largely. Am I welcoming to you? Do you feel loved and regarded in my arms? Not always have I been fearful of that but in the most recent of times ‘terrified’ is used to describe an emotion related to allowing to captivate my heart. And some would ask why. Maybe it’s the restrictions I feel that are placed on me to be a ‘certain way.’

Of course proverbs talks about being a good woman. And yes by some standards I would say I am. Emotional more than most. I remember seeing videos of a woman lashing out punching the man for hurting her. That’s what I won’t do. I will pray for him whether he wants to be with me or not. Nevertheless a God fearing man would have no fear of being forgiven by me and bestowing forgiveness. Psalm speaks of the forgiveness language. I am no better than anyone. Just another imperfect person. Knowledgeable at some things and others not. Rarely can I not strike a conversation and teaching is a strong point. Do we not teach ourselves? It’s a matter of if we live to love the action in general and I do. Without harm. More love.

I’ll lend you a cane into my thoughts… I think about people more than you think. And I enjoy being myself around them. Even as a non-judgemental party to people and some ways of seeing how awful people can feel and make other feel. Albeit I love to be more aware of it myself. Let’s say someone is distraught and I am a bystander I will give them a hug. Always consciously reminding myself to be impartial and peaceful. Stay on the fence and in the middle. It is not my place to choose a side. Staying aware that I don’t know everything about someone’s situation. God does. Everyone deserves a chance. Everyone.

XOXO El’Aundra

WHAT IS A FAMILY MAN’S CREED?

I can hear some people yelling ‘Lonnie!!!’ 

With me running in the room saying 

‘Yes’… 

‘Lonnie, Did you need to go that far with your point?’

😳  My response:

 ‘Ok well let me explain… I’m not too sure how to comprehend the excuses or arguments that some people would have at by which they have put a bullshit parameter around themselves only to have the ability to sit back and say that they’re ‘winning’ in this fake war they have in their mind against me. Insults are an example of a fake war. Hiding the truth can also be one. The thought that winning=keeping secrets. When actually even if they told the truth, I would Poker Joker Face (El’Aundra signature look, 👀) and make sure you knew it’s not that serious to think I give a fuck to ruin your happiness that much by hating on your decisions dear… That is my speech.
I would rather love than hate. So then I’m well rested because I don’t want to lose sleep or my mind over someone playing sick mind games with my heart. Like no. NO. So I won’t cry. I’ll put up a boundary until you’re showing safety. Metaphorically, No. I don’t like how heartless people can act. A boyfriend? An ex? Bruh You better hope you’re telling the truth about who you are. The most I can do is to pray for your deliverance. Meaning one day God will expose that you aren’t the man for me or to me that you claimed to be. I gain nothing with threats of violence. And since I loved you with Gods support and grace; you will pay for lying to me by him communicating to me in my prayers to him about how uncomfortable you might have made me feel as a man that truly had no love or respect for me. No, we should not threaten people. But don’t cross boundaries so many times in life that you are lying to keep up a look or paint a picture. It’s rather disgusting. Be really, really comforting to those around you and see how much you grow. Any man in my house better act like one. Trust me, lying to God would never work because he sees all. Knows all. Hears all. You might as well confess to being a POS, a Gentleman, a family man, an inspiration, a good man, a liar, a cheat, a scumbag. Whatever title you choose love. 

I know there’s better ways to handle things. And with Gods patience I will find them in the Bible. 

‘Need I say more motherfucker?’

That is what I have had say after an argument with an ex. You already know. No violence needed. I need to separate and calm myself. But needed to get a couple things straight. As I rebuild myself. 

www.elaundra.com 

Come. I want to take you on a stroll. A clip of my voice. Speaking in writing…

XOXO, El’Aundra

What’s sad is people get information that was sensitive in the first place. Post it in a group chat or on social. It gets back to the person so they can set the record straight. Which is good. But how often does setting the record straight lead to a sense of relief? It’s an understanding that not every lesson you have learned in life is for other people to consider throwing their judgement on.

I may have taken away something from you. I may have gone too far with my argument with you. That wasn’t a reason to be a jerk. Even more than if I had just apologized and you left it alone. I didn’t have to continue. I don’t have to continue. I don’t have to hurt you. And if I had decided to go above and beyond, yes; I would feel guilt. Asking myself, which way could this go is sometimes the next thought for the me, albeit I might be the arguer in the situation. Should it be the next thought, maybe an apology would ensue. You would know I had feelings. I had a heart. I was real in a sense to acknowledge your pain. Fine. It’s all settled for now. I don’t like the way I feel when I have to be mean to someone. When I have to discard patience.

Are you strong enough to handle someone coming to you and pleading for information about me? Can you be that strong person that isn’t going to go and tell my most intimate secrets? What if I am so self-aware and in tune with myself that I am not ashamed of myself. And I don’t like making someone else feel ashamed of themselves. I find myself wanting to learn how to be better. Be more managing of how they feel in a way that doesn’t discredit them as a person. And knowing I want to treat someone the same way I would want to be treated. And even in the event that forgiveness comes in; And with your level of discernment at that time being so low, you won’t be a good judge of character regarding that person fishing for information. And you will bow. Crumble. Releasing things you shouldn’t have said. And in my regard, that’s all I have done in the past. Is set the record straight about things. With the respect that there’s work to do within myself and time to ask God for peace. But I know I can make my own living being in my truth. I would just consider it best with due respect to how it’s delivered. How it’s done. I would get tired of other people trying to beat me to the punch when who I am as a person physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually isn’t your tender to worry about. Rushing to tell the next person a detail that you think by telling a third party is somehow going to make them feel uncomfortable. For me. it might be different. I love to talk. It may open me up. Maybe it won’t. But they’re feeling like it’s a burden that they carry in the eye of others. When it’s really just a burden they carry in the eye of them. If and when this happens to you, don’t allow yourself to be the filter for them. Behind closed doors your heart and your mind are in the gold mines for them. There are things that happen to people to make them divulge in a lack of discernment they can’t come back from and when they learn that sometimes knowing that the chain link of them strengthening their discernment is going through and mastering different levels of trauma. When you have been violated over and over, you have a way about you that shows people sometimes what you have been through. And letting the wrong people into your life can dive you deeper into your trauma. People are damaging sometimes to tell you to not live in your trauma; when you have to live in it to go through it. And going through the motions of healing can often be the most treacherous part. Sometimes people think the aftereffect is worse. Because they are alone and have to build back up. Sometimes I stay trapped in my trauma because I have a fear someone won’t be there to receive it for/from me. Massage it. Have I moved on from things, etc. It becomes a whole entire other level of sickness when you are so selfish with your motives and judgement and want so badly to ruin someone else that you push your way through that boundary.

Let’s say you want to dig for some information on someone. You go into your social media and search and find so much information about them it changes the way you feel about even going that far in the first place. Maybe it’s to send them a message. I remember the many times I did this and somewhat immediately regretting a part of myself getting so upset. I needed to take a break and rethink that. What I said. How I said it. Alone. A time out perspective. How we present ourselves even on social media can be considerably different from who we are as a person. In motion.

What if I cast a spell on this person?

Why is that your first thought? What is it about casting a spell that seems positive or negative to you? What if that person doesn’t want to be attached to you? Asking yourself if that person has ever said anything emotional to you that may tie you to them. Do you realize the restrictions that can put on someone?

What if I go and lookup the high school they went to and try to find information about them?

The damage you could do by opening doors that were not meant to open. Did they go to prom? Did they have friends in school? Who were their friends? And you are only doing this to hurt them. Of course there’s a way someone would feel. Intruded on. And maybe even like they wished they had the opportunity to talk to you and tell you who they are without you having to do all of that just to get information about them. They didn’t concern you. It’s a beautiful thing when a man goes to propose to a woman, and he used to go to school with and looks her up online. Making the appropriate arrangements along the way.

What if I found this person so “interesting” I want to make a podcast with them?

What if you found them so interesting you actually wanted to SPEND TIME WITH THEM. So many times I would sit and want a boyfriend to make cute music videos with. To do stuff like interviews. How I would take it is you find me so interesting that you interview me? It excites you to ask me questions about things. Because you’re able to fall in love with me as a person because of how I am talking to you.

What if I want to know even more about them so I sit and cause infidelity?

What good would something like that do for the person that you’re doing it to? Can you incorporate them and make it ‘good’… can you make it ‘okay’…can it be ‘fixed.’ And to what extent would you go to cause this to that person? Sometimes I reel in my head so much about infidelity I lose sleep. I lose pounds. I lose inspiration. A will to thrive. And it’s that very intoxicating suffocating feeling that makes me want to not talk. Shut down. In the same respect someone not being able to open up about how they feel can do the same. Or what it is that they have done.

I know the times I had not been faithful; I wanted to come back. I think it was my pride that didn’t let me come back. Would not let me crawl and bear my soul for what I had done. I had lost out on maybe what seemed to be good relationships in the midst and good people. For the fear of how they will perceive me. The most damaging part was realizing that in the time it took me to throw it away and come back; they could have met someone else who will be their crutch if I fail to massage their emotions or ego the way they want or the way they think that person does, and even then thinking that the other person can provide more comfort. What would that do for me? My soul? How could I come to you and feel like a good, honest woman who needed a second chance; knowing I am on a timeclock with you. I am in a recording studio. I am in a court room. Everything I say and do can be used against me. You can just say that you want to continue this intermission on the side while you ‘give me another chance.’

For which I should be grateful, right? Then give me a chance to be grateful. I have to have at the very least, that.

I didn’t always think there was a reason to not have that conversation. So much of the lead up the you being unfaithful is you lacking something either in your relationship or you. More of the desire to mask a part of yourself you feel is irrevocably lost. I don’t know why at the time I would be in so much fear of being honest. Wanting to just live in a better light with people I chose to be around. Knowing that with the more time that was passing and me not letting them know how much I valued or loved them; would make them initiate me out of their life. The initiation into your life being you proving that you come peace. I bring you no harm. I bring you happiness. Good. Comfort.

No doubt there was always a desire to provide that. But the question may have been:

‘Do you like to dance. I see this other girl dancing on her ________ maybe you should.” Me wondering if you think I am a good dancer? Am I good at entertaining?

“I follow this one girl on social media. She is really funny. She does these skits…” Me wondering if you think I am funny? Do I make you laugh enough to want to be around me and film me doing skits?

What does a model or actor need to play a part besides their costume? Encouragement. I had that sure. But did I lack confidence? Did I lack strength? Support? Encouragement to myself?

And I think to myself that I would love to open myself up to a world like that. But quite honestly, how? Where do I even begin? How am I supposed to look at myself? I already have issues with how I see myself sometimes because of everything I have been through. Some days I feel like a beautiful female and some days I just don’t. I don’t know why it is sometimes, but we don’t really stop to think that someone doesn’t see themselves the way you see them because of what someone has done to them and less of what they have done to someone else. I swear I had a struggle feeling pretty this morning. I walked into the kitchen and said,

“I don’t really feel all that pretty today.”

I had serious issues with my life in general when I woke up. There were things I wanted to fix. And places I wanted to go with myself. But my trust barrier was broken. I had no idea if I could trust. I would do some creative work, then fall back.

“Maybe I don’t want the attention.” I would think. Is it fleeting? Will I have this attention when I need it most? When I get home from work?

You, as a man sometimes might sit there and say that I bring you to your knees. And then I leave you there. But to that, I respond

“And even when you get up, are you pointing your trajectory at me?”

“As cupid, is your arrow pointed at me? How is it that I brought you to your knees and left you?

“Are you saying I had you to the point you would have done anything for me?”

Maybe I need to figure this out. Relating every feeling I had to everything in front of me. The idea of a general public wanting that part of you and you have no idea how to give it.

I would sooner think that if I had you to the point where you would do anything for me, I would not be complaining about the load that I have to carry. There would be things that I would celebrate. And sometimes, can’t be celebrated because you really have been brought to your knees. And refuse to get up and take me to the party. You have been on your knees praying for me to let loose right? To be myself. To open up. Trust me, if a man was on the sidewalk on his knees; I would know to allow him to stand up and meet me eye to eye as a gentleman. I am not your master. So, you do not need to stay on your knees if you don’t want to.

“I’m just not ready right now.” And there we have it. Given up before it even has a chance to manifest.

I got upset at myself more and more. More self-damaging behavior like smoking cigarettes and things like that. Not that writing is self-damaging or that it isn’t a form of self-care but I felt like the words were bubbles in my head trying to push through bricks. I didn’t care to push back and fight in the slightest. There was a part of me that knew running this race… like this… for this is only going to make me lose. I never felt like it was a race I had a chance at. Moreso feeling like it was a race I didn’t have a chance at. I was a loss before I began. I remember looking up pictures and photographs of past experiences and then thinking what was my mindset then. Where did I find more character? How did I find more strength? Nevertheless, people are just going to assume so much about where it might come from. My strength comes from nature. My desire to dive into the self-damaging behavior was the desire to mask the pain I was experiencing. Initially feeling like it wasn’t something I really deserved to go through. Why me would be a common outcry. Then saying to myself, it’s you because you choose it to be. Choose it to be something else and it will be. But to what avail? What vice. I got too comfortable at times relying on the silence in the room as my vice. That kept me up. Going. Alert. Joyful.

And they share some of the most intimate secrets about someone else. And you have to realize they start to love the company of you. Love making friends with someone who dislikes this person just as much. Just like high school. And the same way I was then is how I am now. Back of the room. Just primarily observant. Less threatening when it comes to attacking with vengeance and creating hardship. More prayer for the weary.

I worry about how I am going to seek to present myself to others.