It’s a stupid genre of repeating.

I look at the phone.

I almost threw up in my sleep.

Almost farted.

All I hear in my ears is classical.

That’s peace.

Classical in my ears.

Around me.

Anything else isn’t leave.

Nowhere nearby.

Disruptive technologies.

The devil uses.

To bring himself down lower.

How it was a couple times.

Long ago.

Was that if a man didn’t realize.

Or recognize.

Or massage my talent.

To sing or write poetry.

And want to invest in me.

And lift me up.

Then they would cheat on me.

And not realizing that they’re investing.

In someone’s sex.

Thinking it’s going to be a bigger payout.

Then my talents.

And I can’t be mad.

If that’s not the person.

I would just move on.

I wasn’t concerned.

With what models they dated.

I cared about who I was.

As a person.

And how I treated and loved myself.

Which then bled to other people.

I don’t think you realize.

How beautiful you are.

I love how your eyes glow.

I love staring at your smile.

You look so much like your parents.

Especially like your mother.

You’re just a beautiful creature.

In this world going around.

Giving light baby.

Sunshine baby.

And it’s the strong ones.

That inspire you.

To fight.

Because we have been insecure.

We have been battered.

We have been used.

Over and over.

We have been used as lessons.

We have been used as inspiration.

We have been used as revenue.

But yet we never get a chance.

To get renewed.

And maybe we haven’t done.

What you have.

But still needed hope.

Still needed peace.

Still needed guidance.

Still needed loyalty.

Still needed trust.

Still needed respect.

Still needed love.

And you chose to banish.

Until you’re banished from their light.

Strong, warm, enclosing light.

Guys, I have to figure out what’s wrong with me. There is something wrong. Let me tell you, I’ll be in my head thinking about something and here I go with a thought. But the thought is fine. It’s the delivery. I have not had this website as a fail safe for a while. It’s been on the ‘under construction’ mode for quite some time. And with that being the case, I was primarily using social media of other forms to post my feelings. Now, all of a sudden last night I had a panic attack at work. It was revelatory and I just kept saying to myself ‘I hate this’. Because I start crying and then my head feels like it’s swelling up. And then

’He found the love of a good woman..’

And in my goodness I will have to say this. I have to say that I will vow love my husband; to conform to the new ways of this world. I must say that I will make it my infinite desire to please him. And my heart is big. My mind is full. My soul is deep. I really feel a little ethereal in this sense. I know. Because I really truly would allow him to have 4 girlfriends. Even if they were my best friends. And we are married. But he knows his boundaries. And I know mine. So he knows himself. And I know me. But we are never without one another. Because our house is a home. It’s just not only a home to us. He accepts the mind body and sexuality I have. He understands that the alternative could also be me marrying 4 men and pleasing all of my husbands making my friends happy too. There’s sooooo many ways this could go. I just want to love and honor him for honoring me. And even if that’s more than one, that’s ok. Because in this world, as beautiful as it is; it’s natural to want to please someone. And sometimes there’s other ways to please that create a nice environment to create confidence love and security to prosper and have deeper more meaningful relationships with people. That’s the real me.

I know I have work to do. I have so much apologizing to do… and it’s something that can be done. Because I really do love more than I hate. I just need the space and time to come back around after certain things in life. And I know that hurts people. But I’m nowhere near perfect. So I just want to focus on a way I can stay stationary as someone that isn’t lost for all of these people who feel like they lost me. Because again, people make mistakes. And I would not be my real self if I said that I couldn’t forgive someone. I have to. And I have to explain myself. And I have to be better and do better. And I have to understand where I went wrong and how I can fix things. Especially if it means how I’m seen sometimes. I’m just saying, there’s a reason God made me who I am. And maybe I have a good foothold on the beginning of some way to find my purpose. Albeit a wife or an rockstar or a model. Inspiration of some sort right?

So going back to the first paragraph, I looked over and asked him ‘Is good the same as nice?’
A good person doesn’t have to be nice. But you can have a good and nice person. And a nice person isn’t necessarily good.

Sometimes I overextend. Blaming you as a man and acting like you’re everyone else. Which you then don’t deserve. Read back to something I posted yesterday when I was having a moment… essentially no. I want to state I was not fair in what I said. It was improperly posted, amongst other things I was addressing; this in particular is my current thought…

I said ‘I’d give you a chance if you were not like the men from my past’

Edit: ‘I’d give you a chance because you wanted the chance and I wanted to give it to you.

That then allows the person to understand they can have an open and honest conversation with you and you are open and receptive enough to receive it.

The former statement makes men not want to be around me. And I know myself. That’s just not me… so as I continue to get comfortable settling back into who I am I figured I would share my thoughts.

I know myself.
I’m sorry.
El’Aundra

It’s as if you’re walking into a room with all eyes on you because they know who you are. The general public is who? There was an idea in my head about a girl who lived in a world watched. And everything she did was on camera. It was seen. They could see what she was doing in her house. They watched. It was a way for income. A way to feed their family. By violating another’s. Never paying attention to the idea that she thought her home was just that; a home. A safe place for her to lay herself. A place for her peace.

He watched intently. As the numbers in his bank account grew he decided ultimately he was going to keep delivering malice. Keep projecting his insecurities about his lack of valor in life onto another human. He should have been shunned, but that justice has yet to be served. He pleases himself at her expense. Good people go about life telling people that they are good so they aren’t alarmed. But after all, she doesn’t realize the very person watching her is someone she works with. The people she works with don’t even protect her.

Little did she know the man who was watching her was a man she was familiar with for so long. Someone she had grown to trust. To love. To cherish. He couldn’t separate himself from his devious ways. He chose to have his way with any woman who would give him attention at her place of work. And so that he knew what he was up against he kept a good eye on her. So people are smiling and laughing. And silence starts to creep around. Because people are starting to notice who is being hurt. They’re thinking that this man loves them. And they come to work feeling like they can share the love. But they don’t share it around her. He tells everyone that he is her past. So they take the sensitive route and neglect to mention particulars about who the person is that they’re falling for. It’s the same person who’s continuing to kill this poor woman. In spirit. In heart. She is one of the most beautiful. In the entire job. So regal and elegant no wonder there are other women who feel unease about her presence. But that’s why he likes them. Because her confidence makes it easy for him to make them think he is the key to their confidence. When in fact he is just a key to their detriment. And the key to their souls, that this man is truly after, is in her eyes.

Telling myself that I felt nothing wrong. Because I didn’t. It felt right. It felt like I was being forced to recall all of the trauma I had experienced in the past and give it to you for your oblivion. Because you are the only one to erase it. Loving me will heal all that you worry won’t be healed. Sometimes you don’t even realize that without the constraints of society I have emotions and feelings in my heart for other people living on this earth. And it would be who of you to sit there wondering what the feeling entailed. But I kept that part to myself. I was silenced. Because you somehow thought I was doing this intentionally. You felt like I was hurting you. And I wasn’t. I was bleeding for love. Not knowing where to turn for the love that I sought. And I thought. I deserved it. Or else why would I be looking so hard right? I fumbled, felt like I had taken a flight on the wild side of failure. I tried to make you fall in love and made you fall into someone else. For reasons that to this day I am unsure of. I tried telling you how I felt. You ignored it. And that didn’t break me, so I kept trying. And kept trying. And then when there was another person who made me feel that warmth, I did the same. Without thinking you might be upset because I didn’t give you a chance to respond. But how much time do you need? How much time does it take to feel me? To absorb me? I don’t want these filters through other people. And my seeking the love painstakingly alone, I tried to tell you I wanted your love. I wanted it so badly I needed to be brought back to life because living without it damn near killed me. It made me feel like I had nothing to do. Nobody to turn to. I just wanted to get a response. Tell me what you feel. How you feel. What you want. Empty silence. Blank wall. Stuck in a trance. I walked around and paced. Back and forth. When the carousel stops, I hope you understand I just wanted my heart to be your theme park. I know my heart can be a rollercoaster. But if you don’t mind, could you be the turbulence in my wings to stabilize me? I’m flying, not weightless until you take this weight off my chest by making my heart soar.

I am thankful to you Lord. Grateful you thought to answer my prayers. Grateful you gave me strength. Grateful you have blessings in store. Grateful to learn lessons in life. Grateful to be a lesson to others. Grateful to be able to spread love. Grateful to be able to love. Grateful for my children. Grateful to be a part of a family. Grateful for life

There was a part of me that was thinking that in this world of things where you can do anything what is it that makes your heart bleed? What makes you so excited about life? What creates a fire inside you? I walked around for so long in what seemed like a fog that wouldn’t go away. I was wondering what I was going to be up against. What mistakes had I made that I needed to fix. It was apparent to me that I had made many mistakes coming up to this point. And seeing them clearly only made things more real for me. Was I taking too much time to heal. Were there things about the healing process that I thought i was learning that I wasn’t learning? Making more of the same mistakes. Repeating things seemed like something that I was deep in. A cycle. A fog where I know I saw what was in front of me, but I was so blinded by my hatred for myself at the point in time. And I just didn’t heal from it. I gave into people and circumstances that were not helping growth. So, I started standing up for myself. And saying to others that were watching me fail, that maybe if you didn’t sit and point fingers, I wouldn’t have to do certain things that I must do to live. The clock still ticks whether I have money or not. And it will be people around you that will tell you that you have to lower your pride and move and motivate yourself. All of which is true but at what point do you actually sit down and think about what you might be settling for? I know what has to be done and quickly I would assume. I thought that working on a cleaning business was an idea that was productive. It was something that I was definitely interested in pursuing.

The thought never occurred to me that I needed to take your ideals to bed with me every night. I never needed to have your expectations and desires spilled out on to me and you telling me that I had to do something or be some type of way in order to live happily. If someone had done to me what so many people have done, I wouldn’t want to be around them. I remember thinking about how attracted I am to a certain type of woman. I hate women who feel like they need to treat another woman deplorably. If they then say they have a crush on you, and tell you that they like you. Someone that likes you will treat you with respect. they will be enamored by you and inspired by you. Someone that says that they hate you isn’t someone you could be around. And with this green eyed woman it was just that. Hatred. Standing around her I feel like I would just read the hate. And someone else wouldn’t. She would likely tell them that she had a crush on me and make it seem like I am not attracted to women. When in fact I am not attracted to women that hate on me. Period. There is nothing sexy about that.

I felt like I knew I would get a beautiful man of my own. it is the ego talking to think that you are the only person someone can find to recognize their worth. Men are so scared of me going to another city and moving. You want to keep me boxed in. You don’t want me to grow and thrive. And even when you have kids with someone you are giving everything into that person for what? For them to then play with your emotions and claim to care about your wellbeing? There is no solace in that. I don’t find myself wanting what someone else has or wants. I just want to prove a point. That people thought they were playing with me. But I can take myself from you if that’s what you really want because you aren’t treating me like you want me to stay around anyways. So why not just leave. Why not just get away from that ideal that I need to live around you in order to have a sense of ease. I can be at ease sitting around people that think of me as a talented woman. A gracious woman. A kind woman. A strong woman. A force to be reckoned with. And glad that she recognized it, but no matter what; you were never anything real to me. Always fake. You were iconically tearing me down. And that was what it was all about with the ego. You will find yourself having conversations around the topic of a $10000 bag if you let yourself. You will be arguing with someone about things you would not want to argue about. You love the feeling that you get when you work. And that bag of respect that you have for yourself is priceless. Worth more than $10000.

I have no doubt the type of man I am worthy of. I know how I write. How I sing. How I love. How I parent. How I cook. How I bake. How I read. How I think. How I desire. How I desire life to be. Life to feel. Life to smell. I appreciate genuine interest. Someone calling you out of the blue because they want to get to know you. Someone knowing that you aren’t feeling well and need some help and helping you. Which in turn makes you feel good about yourself. It was never something that I wanted to do was be on this earth alone. But there were so many times that someone saw the shallower parts of me and saw those parts of me in other women. Without getting to know the real me and realizing who I am. A woman you are not used to. My grandmother was not a woman that most men were privy to. They didn’t really have a lot of experience with her. She was educated and devoted to raising myself and my brother. I bled for love for so long after she was gone. I know that when you don’t deal with grief the way you need to it winds up tearing you down.

Oftentimes I don’t know where I am going with certain people. What am I to them. What are they to me. All of these. Do I want to share myself with you? Do I feel comfortable with you knowing who I really am? Is there some way for me to be able to feel safe around you? I don’t really have the feeling of safety all the time. Someone can be so damaging and it makes me feel so awful about myself because I know there are things I need to work on but I truly don’t walk out and start things with looking back.

I like to keep a private life for the most part when it comes to certain things that I have going on in my life. I remember thinking about honesty and how honest people can be with me and how that makes me feel when they are dishonest with me. I don’t know how to handle my assumptions of your behavior if you are not being upfront with me. Sometimes I feel I have no choice but to assume the worst. Assume that you are just going to be something that is going to be damaging to me if you are not fully honest with me. And people are scared of being brutally honest. But then I ask why do you do things like what you do if you are not ready to be brutally honest about what you actually did? That doesn’t make sense. I would just be honest about what I did. That way I would be able to sleep. I hate how dishonesty makes it so you can’t sleep.

So much of my life people would try and have me be a part of things I didn’t want to be a part of. You don’t need to groom me. Leave me alone. You don’t need to try and make me into anything. Leave me alone. Don’t try to sit and justify trying to change someone. If they need to in fact, be who they are. Who they are truly as a person is more important. And more valid. There is no reason for you to feel like you are going to be happy with that person if you are going to try and change them into what you want. You cannot imagine the pain that will not stop in my heart because I have allowed myself to be groomed. To be played with and told that I needed to be broken down. When that is not the case. It is rather unimpressive if you don’t think about how you make someone else feel in those circumstances. Why would you want to groom a grown ass woman to be ok with your lifestyle. Why not try and get her to be comfortable. The grooming part is the part I don’t like. It’s like you are toying with her.

You need to take time for yourself.