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“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” –Aldous Huxley

In most cases, people are extremely unaware of the impact they can have on someone. I am guilty of this myself. But more often than not, we should think about the realms to which we exist. Where do we go from here? What can we do? Think of these things the next time you bite the hand that feeds you for example.

A common practice is that of being vindictive to another human being. Why? Why are you even wasting your time? Let the universe and karma take its course and see what happens. I am a firm believer that if you step back from a situation that you want to react with vindictiveness, and dont insert yourself, you will see the “karma” come. It may not come in a day, a month or a year. But it will come. We all pay for what we do to another person in one form or another.

In my own personal experience, I thought that by loaning a friend money (that I barely had, and was a single parent at the time) I was helping out a friend. That “sure no problem” would be honored with my money being repaid to me. It was a substantial amount of money too. If it was $50… that’s not really a big deal. But I am talking 6 times that amount. BIG DEAL!!  That was 4 years ago. I haven’t seen one cent. The biggest thing with me being your friend is that if you are a true friend of mine, I will try my hardest to do right by you. Sure, we don’t want to see our friends suffer but if someone helps you out please pay it forward. I guess I considered myself to be “petty” for a little while and then I was like no, I am not being petty. I am being real. I am just feeling what any normal person would feel. Monthly payments? Nope. Pay when taxes come? Nope. This is something that at this point in time, I am learning to let go. I have learned to not let people “borrow” anything from me. Money or otherwise. A friend of mine told me (a year after this ordeal happened) that you can always tell the state of mind and lifestyle someone is living by their actions. In other words. I was being asked for money. And if someone goes around asking people for money all the time, then you should think twice about their life and wonder why. We all have ups and downs but doing the right thing (in life and by people) will bring good karma, and we will continue to be prosperous more than we will continue to suffer. But once you roll the ball of suffering, it is a down hill battle from there and it is very hard to stop that motion.

Improve yourself guys. Look deep inside you and think “What can I fix with ME?”

Until a later time…

The hardest conflict to resolve is the one within yourself
– El’Aundra Dolce –

I always was told if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought everything that HE thought was wrong with me was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else.

I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to feel like I was crazy. As if I was the one who needed him in order to succeed in life. As if I was nothing without him and there was nobody better for me than him. The sad thing is that I started to believe it. I had gotten so out of shape because of how he was making me feel about myself and I started to notice people weren’t as attracted to me anymore. It was harder to make friends. It was harder to carry on a conversation about what I wanted in life and where my life was headed because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t know myself and I wasn’t able to discern whether it was because I had simply lost who I was or if I had just adopted how someone else felt about me as well as losing who I was.

There was no way for me to find out other than using time as my vice grip. It was the only thing that saved me. Time led me into learning more and more about the outcome of my decisions in that relationship. I saw the outcome of my good deeds when it pertained to him and they were hardly anything other than negative. I chose to sit and ponder my place in life with him as my master.

It wasn’t that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Rather, it was that I had given up on my wherewithal to get there. I didn’t have the energy to get there nor did I believe in myself enough to see that all I needed to propel myself forwards was strength, and nothing more.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and everyday dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me, and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and every day dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship, I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before, and I always told myself that once I am out, I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

*As with all posts, stock WP Photography. Unless otherwise stated. Thank you.

Flashback to a time where I was fluidly moving.

Living in my passion for the arts and taking control of it.

Until I met a man who believed a woman’s place was much different.

Just as much as I believed I needed to sacrifice my passion.

And creativity to keep someone.

Apprehensive, yet curious I wanted to see if I could change that view.

In his mind.

I got caught up on ideals that weren’t mine.

Expectations I didn’t want to be part of.

And became a woman I now don’t even recognize.

I felt like there was nothing left.

I feel like there’s more than ever now.

Whether I am alone or not.

Inside my soul it’s like silk sheets of Gold.

I feel just as warm as the Bourbon in my hands.

“Those were in my corner actually weren’t they were in it the mix for their own benefit.”

I remember an ex would tell me not to take things to heart and that I needed to change everything about me because it wasn’t good enough…A friend that I thought was a friend accused me of something that is completely out of my character. I met someone new once and they would tell me not to swear so much…There was no freedom in who I was as a person and who I wanted to be. And that was evident by how those were around me were treating me because of how I felt about myself.

“The problem we have is our lack to empathize with other people. The fact that we are too expecting of them to change instead of taking them as they are”.

Do not try to change something about someone that in nature isn’t threatening to you. Do not try to change something about someone to accommodate you. Do not change the things about that person that make them who they are. If someone doesn’t suit me, it’s ok. I will keep the shit moving because I am in no position to lose sleep over how someone else feels or doesn’t feel about me.

Imagine yourself walking through a path we call life, and how you treat or feel about yourself determines how ‘sticky’ your skin is.

In other words, if you have low self esteem, your body is covered in stickiness because everything you encounter is going to stick to you. Why? Because of how you feel about yourself. On the other side, if you have a high self esteem, your body isn’t sticky at all. You might encounter one or two feathers along the way that stick to you.. but for the most part nothing sticks to you. Your “layer” gets thicker because of the feathers. Each and every feather that is on you is masking what’s underneath… the true you. Every feather represents someone else’s opinion about you. And if you know anything about feathers (thankfully I do lol); every single feather is not like another. The same is true for each person’s perspective, thoughts of you and what they say about you based on that information. So what do you do? If you had to pick each feather off of your body one by one, that would take a lot of time right? It would even take a bit of self discovery for you to get the courage to get rid of the feathers weighing you down, but eventually you would realize how much other people and their thoughts and opinions don’t fucking matter. Eventually a ‘weight’ would be lifted off of you.

Stop letting other people who feel like shit about themselves bring you down. It’s not fair to you to sit down and take someone else’s shit just because they think you deserve it. There isn’t a reason in this world that you cant say no to allowing those feathers stick to you. It is important for you to understand that your love for yourself takes over the love someone else has for you. The science behind that is really about loving yourself and letting that radiate. Everything else will follow.

A date a couple months ago involved a conversation that went like this:

The guy said “I don’t like women who drink.”

I stared at him for a second…”Care to elaborate?”

“I just don’t like women who drink. I think its a nasty habit. My mother was an alcoholic…” he said

So, I took another sip of my fucking Jameson on the rocks and proceeded to enjoy the hell out of that sip. I looked at him and then looked at his beer. Yup, you read right. He had a motherfuckin beer! I couldn’t believe this douchebag. Here’s what I said: “So what you’re saying is your mother was an alcoholic, and because of that you feel the need to put a sexist one sided standard on women you encounter? I am not your mother, and I just don’t think that’s a fair thing to say.” I never called him again.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Talent is something I don’t ever run short of. I am ridiculously talented. I have always believed that you have to tell yourself that as a mantra to manifest confidence. It took me such a long time to relay this level of confidence and assurance to myself. I was a little bit too concerned with what people thought of me, my lifestyle, my attitude etc. As I approach 30, I can tell you that I couldn’t give any fucks at all about other people’s opinion of me. I am who I am. Unique AF.

It was an unfortunate past relationship that had me wondering where the hell my life was headed. I felt as if my personality was suffocated during this time and everything revolved around this person. I started losing myself. And eventually lost him… but to this day I can’t say I regret losing him or the relationship. I DON’T CARE. In order for you to get to where I am at with truly being “self-centered” (centered on yourself is not a crime people), you have some serious work to put in. Start making time for yourself.

It wasn’t until a person I had met once or twice had approached me and said “I follow your blog Elle, why don’t you do that as a career? Like why don’t you get a degree in that?”

I replied: “Hello____. Glad to see you are doing well. Um… If I wanted to do that, I would. I like Nursing for completely different reasons, and make my choice to do Nursing and my blog solely based on what I want. But thanks.”

The audacity of some people. I wanted to say “Why don’t you leave me the hell alone?” or even a simple “None of your business.” But professionalism is best served with a side of sarcasm and attitude. I delivered my speech to that person as I wanted. And to this day I have asked myself the same question but never doubting where I want to go with my life. It amazes me the inquisitive nature of some people.

There are always going to be people who say “Why don’t you become _______”, or “Why don’t you do _______.” Please pay no attention to those people. They are surely curious. Be confident in what you are choosing for yourself. You are the only person who can change yourself.

As for me, I will continue to do Photography, Blogging, Vlogging, Makeup, Nursing, Writing, Baking, Cooking, and even the occasional pumping of my own gas. 🙂 But seriously, Live your life the way you want.

First off, I’m single right now.

More importantly.

I am a grown.

Independent.

Gorgeous woman.

I will fuck and suck whenever I want.

Whomever I please.

And if you feel some type of way.

Too bad.

If I choose to be in a relationship.

Those terms and the discretion.

Of that relationship is my business.

I refuse to apologize.

Or give a fuck what anyone on earth thinks.

About that if you have no right.

To have an opinion.

There is nothing shameful.

About a woman in touch.

With her sexuality.

It’s a beautiful thing.

And the only people.

That would halt.

The above escapades of the single life,

Or have an opinion.

Are my man.

Or my unicorn.

Wake up.

I have found myself thinking about how many times I have chased love. How many times I have given love and not received it back; which is called ‘Unrequited Love’ (Read about my experience with it in my previous post. It was deep. It was extremely painful.

ABOVE ALL ELSE, GUARD YOUR HEART, FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO FLOWS FROM IT.

PROVERBS 4:23

And each time made me stronger. Because it wasn’t just once that I dealt with it. And I was just thinking the other day that I am feeling stronger. Because it wasn’t just once that I deal with it. And I was just thinking the other day that I am feeling stronger than ever now. I am able to think a little bit clearer and see things in a whole new light. Inspiration is around me everywhere.

Every time I think about lesson I have learned from past experiences, I think about what feelings I associated with this person and why. What is/was their motive, if any? What are/were the things about them that are/were making me feel this way? The preliminary questions are a conversation in my head. And the reason is because I believe past experiences prepare us for the future.

There is a period in life where you go through dating and relationships without truly thinking about it. Without taking time to think about them as a person, or their past, how you communicate, what your interests are; in depth. And most importantly, how similar are you? I think about these things more often now and then I act on what I think is best at the time. And because of the something I saw in them, there have been times that I have just ghosted. Gone. There are times that I have pushed men away. I have given them a reason to leave. And those time it had to do with my insecurities and my ego. But the same has been done to me.

Shame is a blanket that we dare to wear frequently when we have gone through a heartbreak. I don’t think that’s healthy. Your season with that person is over. If you make it as simple as that for yourself, you begin to embrace the departure as growth in your life. Instead of treating it like it’s your enemy who’s out to harm you. It’s like we feel like we no longer have the option to truly go to the depths of the problem and see a way out. You have to take the time to go to the depths of the issues and figure out what is causing them, or the continuance thereof.

But when we are practicing self love we are giving into something greater for our souls. But you do know that loss creates strength right?

I have lost love. Many and many times again. I have been through that from both sides of the spectrum. I have been the person who has loved someone, made a mistake and lost them forever. I have also been in the position where they made a mistake and lost me forever

Here’s something about me: I like to say, “I want to understand ________” And it’s true. I definitely do want to understand the majority of things. So, here is my latest question marked mind-boggling scenario.

I remember the very heightened part of my dating life. And believe me it was fun. But I would study the reactions and responses from men I was dating. And if there was something about them that I didn’t like, then I would ask for it to be changed or I would just disappear. It’s so strange to understand but a major habit of mine is to run. I am a runner. It is so hard for me to sit and listen to some sh*& that I don’t want to listen to… like REALLY don’t want to listen to. And excuses was always something I couldn’t stand from many men. I think I always wanted the old fashioned chivalry in a sense, but that’s a story for another day.

Him: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Nothing… hbu?”

Him: “Ahh not much, so when can I come over?”

I recently had a conversation with a friend and she told me she feels like she was mad at this man with whom she had a similar conversation with and he was asking to come over. I said to her… “Think about where your decision is ultimately coming from. Is it coming from a place of vulnerability or a place of confidence. If you are dating this man and you’re comfortable with him like that, then don’t let society’s opinions get in the way of your happiness.” By all means, be cautious if you just met the person.

******Now, STOP and read that over again. Got it?*******

Here is how I approached the above scenario:  So, my problem was never them coming over. It was the fact they never asked HOW are you doing? Because how I am doing matters more to me than what I am doing. And to be honest, it should matter to a man thats truly interested in you. And that goes both ways. But you need to communicate that to the person you’re seeing or talking to. Because they might have dealt with a different type of woman that didn’t like the same things you like, etc. 

Here’s something I don’t like: When you say “All Men Cheat”… There isn’t one man on this earth that doesn’t like to be romanced. Men need that. They need the surprise, they need you to allow them to be a man. If you don’t allow them to be a man and do the things THEY are telling you, then don’t be surprised if something comes up. I warned you. But if you are under the belief that ALL MEN CHEAT, please stop. I don’t agree. And it’s making it bad for many men. It is robbing them of true happiness either because they have cheated on someone they were with, or they have never cheated but you are treating them like they did. If someone never did something, then please stop treating them like they did something. It’s not fair. And you will lose them. Then when your man comes to you with the same concerns, its ok for you to be treated differently because you’re a woman? I never really liked those types of judgmental stereotypes. These are our men!! These men are the future for our sons that we give birth to!! Don’t be like that. But I am getting carried away…