Surreal is how I choose to explain what happened. It was like something out of a movie. You meet someone and just have this crazy, insane connection with them. But they don’t realize who/what you are…or do they? Do they know what you’re worth and that scares them? Makes them search for simpler. Do they not know what you’re worth and that scares them?

He called me and asked me to come over and chill. It was a whole day we spent together.

I expected it to be one thing; and it wound up being another.

I have found myself sitting and wondering why someone just up and leaves me. What the fuck is wrong with you? I just shake my head. Even as I type this; I just get so disgusted with these mf’s. What made them do so? I’m bold enough to ask, so I did. “What is your problem? Now you’re acting weird.”

What weird wound up being is so confusing to me. What confuses is how you have a connection like that…vibe like that with someone and just disappear. I sat for a little bit after a week or so had passed and thought to myself that maybe this was Karma-related in nature. Maybe I should revisit whether or not that has been done by me, to someone who may not have deserved it at the time.

I know I have. And I didn’t take it personal. I just backed off. I stopped wondering what he was doing. Stopped wondering when the next time was that I would see him. I just began the ever-so-common task of hardening my heart a little bit. Just leaving that alone. It was bad enough when I walked out that night because of how I thought he was acting, he didn’t ever bother calling. No “Hey, did you get home safe?”

FOR THAT WHICH THERE IS NO ANSWER, I WILL NOT MAKE MYSELF SUFFER. -EL’AUNDRA

What was different about this one was that I actually cried. That shit actually hurt. I know it wasn’t the fact that I had drank so much that day in general; and was really tired. It was just that I was stunned. I didn’t know how to react. And the truth is that sometimes we are in certain situations and we don’t know how to react to them. But I feel like there could have been more effort on his part. There was none.

As I stated to myself “Don’t take it personal.” I moved on from it. It still crosses my mind from time to time. Wanting to apologize for storming out but at the same time calling him a coward. An ass. Ass I don’t have time for.

When will they understand that it’s all about transparency with a certain type. When it comes to me, just tell me what the fuck is going on. Because if I find out on my own and aren’t with the shits…IT’S A FUCKING PROBLEM. And you are an asshole for how you acted.

Intimacy is so simple.

People make it complicated.

The only person you need.

To be concerned about.

Is the one next to you.

Not anyone trying to sneak.

Their way next to you.

Because that one next to you.

Can be gone.

What’s your level of discernment.

In quality over quantity?

I’ll sing and wait.

Rolling over.

Praying to God.

You don’t make me a mistake.

Desperately I tried to act in a manner pleasing to those around me at the time. Timing was always the issue when suffering through the steps to safety in life. It was like the slime from someone’s feeling about me and what I was going through already lined the steps before I stepped on them. Only to slip and fall on my ass when I go to take that step. Anxious for a chance. I applied to this job. And that job. And thinking of this solution. And that solution. I remember making such small mistakes. Last minute struggles I thought I could make into milestones of success. It wasn’t the right schedule. Not enough pay. Not enough hours. There were rumors. And lies. And all of these issues that I just didn’t want. But then there was pride. The fact that I didn’t want to work in certain environments. Knowing my sensitivity to certain things and how I like things to be done.

DV was a common issue. Albeit, the insecurity of another was something I had to directly deal with. And it was nowhere near easy to get help when I was already having these issues with finding housing in the first place. You would have thought I would have been able to be helped in these scenarios. But it was the little details of rules and regulations that didn’t serve me. Again, time. Timing was everything. And has been everything. A longing in my heart for things to have worked out where I was. The location that I was seeming as if it was perfect. It felt right. It felt progressive. It felt ok. Until it didn’t. In retrospect I would have liked to take the opportunity that presented itself. I remember going into an interview hoping that I would get the job and hearing nothing. Being so stressed because all of my eggs were in that one basket. It was as if I was waiting for the wrong things. I should have been harder and more aggressive. I should have not taken no for an answer.

And all of these feelings compounded. They make me feel as if I am failing at everything. Just barely passing. It’s a feeling of having to take the best route. And you think it’s a good one to take. And then it comes hitting you with a force telling you that it’s the wrong path. Funny how that works. I think there were people around me that thought I was losing my mind. What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you getting your shit together quicker? All of these questions and no answers. People expect you to do it yourself anyways. Pick yourself up. And then when it takes you longer than they expected you’re at their mercy. The mercy of them. They shall give you none if you don’t abide by their time.

I sat in thought about ‘being lost’ today.

I pondered the idea of there being an epiphany.

That accompanies finding yourself.

Do you just look in the mirror and say ‘Here I am!’.

Do you finally realize who or what you are.

And you suddenly have answers from there on?

Well, regardless of the many outcomes and epiphanies.

I have had in the last few months.

More than one truth stands firm.

Sometimes it’s just therapeutic.

And helpful to take time to get to know YOU.

Know what you want and what you need.

I was blessed to have had the time to do that a lot within the past year.

And with new knowledge, outlooks and feelings.

I look back with admiration because of what it took to get here.

Hello to all of you.

It feels great to be back in the loop

Have you ever been around anyone, and they are so negative that when you finally get away from them; you are shocked at how much better you feel and perform. It is not without angst when you let someone you love go because they are just too toxic for you. The guilt that some people feel is what brings them back to interacting with this person that they have deemed as toxic to them.

Unfortunately, it’s not like the other toxic things in the world. When you reach for the bleach, there are warnings all over it; so you adhere to those warnings. When you begin dating someone, there aren’t warnings all over them unless you are witty enough to notice them. It’s hard at times to recognize the people that are truly toxic.

STAYING DISCONNECTED FROM TOXIC PEOPLE IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF SPIRITUAL AND MENTAL GROWTH. STRENGTHENING YOUR AURA TO DEFLECT THEM IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

I remember thinking about how much I truly didn’t understand the toxicity in my own life at times when I needed that understanding the most. I was always told that by being such a kind, genuine and sweet spirit would mean I needed to protects myself more. There are people out there who seek to destroy those qualities like that.

I knew that the control factor of things is what made me initially so unwilling to continue devoting myself to a relationship I felt so small in. Where does control fit into a relationship? How much of it do you need? And more importantly who has the control; and if one person has more than the other. Let’s say the later is true; the toxic will overpower the non-toxic. That’s why in so many cases, the non-toxic people don’t leave the relationship. They continue to stay and suffer in the process.

I THOUGHT I WAS STRONGER THAN THAT.

Narcissistic and toxic men have a way that controlling us women that makes us feel like that is the only person who will ever love us. Because that is itself is control. THEY want to be the only person that does anything for you. And then they can come back and critique what they think is wrong. The fact that it then creates an atmosphere inside you where feel inadequate and essentially worthless. Now that you are down on the level, they want you to be on; it’s time to bandage the wound… How that materializes is they apologize and ‘win you back.’ They do win if you let them. But you can’t think of your heart or soul as something to be won in a game so unfair and detrimental to you. Fighting back and gaining the strength to do so was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I think of it like I had to rewire my brain to manifest love inside of me and for myself that had been buried deep within me for so long. I started writing and once I saw what I was writing I was done. For some reason. it wasn’t until I wrote down all that I had been through that I realized the damage that had been done to me. After that, I began living for me. All of the weight both physically and mentally fell off. Not only did I shed 150 pounds from my own physical self, the weight I shed from my mind was far greater and more important than any pound I had lost. Anyone can make with through, but it is not without warning. You will find yourself through the massive amounts of tears for loving yourself more. Don’t feel guilty. It’s all about you.

Always challenging my thinking, I like to adhere to standards create growth. This year was frantic. Felt rushed. Felt like you were standing in line, not quite knowing what it is that you are standing in line for. You know it is something. But the fact that you are unable to see anything that is going on makes it harder for you to move in your day to day life.

You get stressed. Worried. Anxious. Panicked. It’s a toll in itself. It is not something for the faint of heart. You truly have no idea what’s next. Either because you have not been shown the way, lost it or cannot find it. No matter the circumstance, you are here. Here in the pile of abundance of frantic humans just like you.

They are baiting you. Waiting for you to reach that downfall just so that they may create a fear in you to end it completely. End the fight. End your life. That’s what they seek. What they live for. What they want. They themselves must assume a position of power over another (either a weak adult, or child) so that they may inflict pain. Have you met them yet? I am positive they showed their asses in 2020, didn’t they? I bet there were people you never thought would be the way that they were. So insecure. So annoying. So ignorant. So pressured.

Now we have approached the end of the year and you should have been able to search back through the past months and see what exactly is the issue. What do you think happens when you are attempting to desecrate someone? Violate another human? I thought about this in the shower this morning…how you treat another person speaks volumes about how you are as a person. What you do does matter, but nobody wants a diamond ring from a narcissistic, insecure person. There just isn’t enough glue there. There isn’t enough glue with any of those people. Which is why they never stuck in my life. They never stayed. They were weak.

Strength is so many things to me. It is the ability to sit in the face of adversity and maintain. Nobody is saying that you have to balance something on your head that’s called “maintaining”… it is just so important to ask for help when you need it. Lean on those whom you can count on. Be a better version of yourself than you were the day before. It also is not up to another person who doesn’t have your best interest at heart to point out what you are doing “wrong.” They are not here for you. That much is clear. Maintaining is going through life and moving in a way that allows you to learn from your mistakes or things done to you. I love to hear from people how they don’t associate with people who go through problems in life. Good. Don’t associate with me. No funeral, I won’t hold you.

If you truly feel you have something to do with someone’s life path so much as to say that you judge and condemn them for the struggles present in their life; you aren’t who you think you are. You are anything but great. They aren’t you. You aren’t them. Why does it matter. Are they asking you for help constantly? Are you enabling them? What are you gaining by judging them? Are you getting aroused? These are valid questions. You must enjoy seeing others in pain if you can say that statement. Otherwise you would have compassion, be kind and steadfast that you can influence a positive change but instead just choose to be a negative asshole. Minding your own business is a good start.

And amongst all of this going on in 2020, I am still here. Still standing. Ready to fight. Ready to understand on a deeper level who you are as a person. There are empathetic souls in this world that attract Luciferian type energy. They are so draining. Nothing that comes from them is pure. They are always a feeling of hatred or lying in your presence. You can feel their disdain and displeasure with you. No matter how much they say they care or they love. Never-mind that. Because in their mind, it’s all about them.

I want you to understand something. This year has to teach you something about yourself that you never knew. And that hits both sides of the coin. Dark and Light. Good and Evil. When someone sends you hatred, you take that in. It is then up to you if you want to make that your reality or not. Just because they say it to you doesn’t make it true; you don’t have to make it a reality. Do not give it life. That is where I have fucked up all these years. Giving life to opinions of others. Giving life to fucks that should have never been given.

I think the hardest part of the entire ordeal was the reality. Looking back, I don’t remember how I made it through. I can give you things I made mistakes on. Things I fell short on. And things I wished didn’t happen. For me to find gratitude is sometimes hard. There’s a blessing everywhere. For everything. But when you are angry at yourself for going through something you weren’t prepared to handle and you are already so critical of the very things that make you who you are; you don’t realize how long it takes to heal. It takes no time to hate yourself. But so much more time to love who you are.

I would go to the shower and cry. Just walk to the shower just to stand there crying. It was that howl like a wolf. I smothered my face. ‘Be quiet’ I told myself. I didn’t want to wake anyone up. But I just couldn’t help it. Why did I feel the way I did. Too scared to tell anyone how I really felt. I felt so much shame. Wanting to pick up the phone and talk. Just get my mind off of the pain. I thought that if someone was in my presence would they want to see that I wasn’t in additional pain? Or would they want to see me with the added pain feature? Often wondering which way to turn, I started asking myself how I felt about me. Really wondering why was I so upset.

I was mad at the fact that I had to feel all of this. There was no masking it with a feeling of love. There was no masking it with drugs. That wasn’t something I leaned on naturally. More of a fitness and health oriented person, I knew my psyche needed cleansing. There was no hiding it with hatred. I just felt numb. I began trying to put my life back together once again. But I just couldn’t. Staying in a shelter was not serving me. The people that surrounded me were not as warm as I would have liked. They talked like they had jokes behind their eyes. And I acted like I had peace in my corner and refused to allow them to see the deeper parts of my soul. I didn’t trust some of the people closest to me. I wanted to get close to them but I felt that their questioning the validity of my trauma was going to detriment us ever having a relationship. And it did. The demons that were on my back were fighting with me alone. I gave into my strength and cut my stitches out myself. They said 10 days. So I did it at 14 just to be safe. I didn’t even want to go after the very reason I did that in the first place. But if I just let the truth stand there and not move, it’s that I was ashamed and scared and hurt. So I went to work. I didn’t have anything else to do. Wanting nothing more than to sit down and relax, I limped around Amazon warehouse with pus draining from my wound. Yes I was tired. Exhausted in face. Craving some sort of relaxation. I had no help with the deepest parts of me that were rotting. My intimacy didn’t exist. I was just trying to stay alive. And so I failed in so many ways trying to get myself to a level of satisfaction to where I felt like I was on top of things as I had been before.

I wished someone was there. Could cuddle. Could love me. Could cherish me. Could tell me how much I mean to you. How glad you are I’m alive. How happy you are with me being in your presence. But I didn’t get that. And standing in the mirror telling myself the very things I wanted to hear from a man never got boring. I never got tired of hearing or seeing myself call me beautiful. I went to bed alone. Might have spent 5 nights total somewhere else in the 90 days after the accident. The support and closeness that I needed just wasn’t there. And I refused to die.

I was angry at the universe for making me have to move. To leave what I considered to be home. To find myself all over again. Losing myself after the falling from the third story window at two, and losing my smiles; now I lost me. And it’s taken nothing but time to get it back. How I long for someone to share the deepest parts of me with. My third eye heightened in sensitivity, I see more about your fake concern for my well-being than you think and have to protect my inner peace. So I often don’t get to tell people how I feel. But I feel like I still want that love. I still want that feeling that the person is so excited that I’m still on this earth. And to what extent does it take to show it? Welcome me to a movie… a fairytale. My own.

Every day is a reminder of how strong I truly am when it comes to this. I guess if the situation was handled by someone else, they would have allowed the Legos to fall a long time ago, said those 3 words and gotten carried away with emotions and careless actions. But I can’t let that happen. We are great at what we are and what he wants is what we are right now. The question of if and when we would be more has crossed my mind so many times my brain is numb. The fact that his smile could undress me is paramount. And the scent of his skin (not his cologne) makes me dizzy with anticipation of touching him. The reality is that there are so many men out there is known to me. But why wait for him? Because he is worth it. And the worst thing that could be said is known. I have been strong enough to keep how I really feel to myself, and I know I will be strong enough to continue doing so. It’s spending the night, insatiable passion and deep conversations fit for friends that have been so since they were toddlers. No denying that the love I feel for him is stronger than 100 spider webs, but I can’t help but wonder; am I making a mistake?

*At this point I was dealing with a lot. I was never the type to be dating more than 4 people at once to be honest. Never really keeping long drawn-out connections because assaults would happen and distract my focus. I think looking back now it was imperative that I focused on what was in front of me. I lost a lot getting depressed about being strung along by so many different adventures in life. I was living in my apartment in Syracuse at the time. (1/7/25)

• A poem written to myself when I needed it the most. I was going through such a rough time. I had a boyfriend that refused to read my website or my writings or ever really recognize my trauma and try and be someone that gave me continual unconditional love. I needed that. As always.

Do not allow yourself to complete someone else’s dream.

You are not here for them.

You are something without them.

You are anything without them.

You are everything with yourself.

All is but an addition if it not be your children.

You are magnificent.

You are regal.

You are unattainable due to lack of strength in them.

You are precisely abundant in faith.

Abundant in joy.

Abundant in love.

Abundant in life.

You are something special without them too.

Just know you can be better.

And being better takes time.

It takes willingness to see the side of yourself that has fallen.

It is they who have deceived you into thinking you cannot get up.

You can get up.

You will get up.

You are quintessence.

And on we move. Let’s not even consider it a breath of air that we need to be in the same space with.

One thing I hated the most was seeing all these pictures of women on IG who ‘lost weight’ and actually comparing myself to them. (Yes, I have done that too).

Not knowing that the presentation was only for show. It wasn’t real most of the time. Most of them were women who were exaggerating the weight they lost, manipulating photos or having shortcut surgeries. I felt like none of those were options. Because in the end, not one would come out to serve me.

Ancient insecurities spoke evil in my ear. “You can’t.” I told myself I would be fine if I just ‘did what they did.’ They being the general conglomerate of people who had a disposition nothing like mine. See the insanity? That was in the beginning.

I learned that I needed to do more. I needed to know more. I needed to ultimately prove more to myself. I was not what those ignorant bitches (who didn’t know shit about me) called me in the break room. Little did they know my fat (and non-fat) ass would sand those bitches down like 100 grit. But I kept it to myself. I played the role ‘he’ told me I should play.

After all, that’s a large part of what got me here in the first place. All the ‘he’s’… constant pleasing of the ‘HE’, Never truly concerned about ‘SHE,’ She was me. She wasn’t he. And even though he claimed to love me, love wasn’t tearing me up from the inside out. Truth is most men will never know how to love me. I am not regular, that much I know.

It went to show that I needed to dive deeper into the actions that made me digress in this manner. Common sense told me it was the mind that needed working first because that was the first to be destroyed. With the cheating, the lies, the disloyalty, the deception, the gaslighting. Had me creating an alternative personality or version of myself that was contrary to my natural self; because me in my element clearly wasn’t good enough for him. I mean he needed others right?

(On my blog, Coveted Archives Podcast and Youtube Channel I discuss exactly what the fuck that was like. I’m talking deep into gaslighting to the point you question your every goddamn move)

I digress…

I no longer give a fuck what his reason was. I’ve done it before too. I’m pretty sure he didn’t give a fuck about my reason then either. It was the guilt from cheating on the one man that could have been “the one”…it was the constant, repetitive stages of grief because those closest to me were leaving this earth. It left me to figure it all out. It was the empty promises and unrequited love from a man that promised I was his next. It was the friends who secretly didn’t want anything but to see me on their level… never above to care for them if they stayed below. It was the men claiming to be interested in my mom or married but checking for me. It was falling out of a 3rd story window at 3 years old; left with a Traumatic Brain Injury. Having to learn how to talk, walk and function all over again. It was the boy who’s head I slammed into the locker Junior year of High School because he called me a ‘nigger bitch.’ It was the writings on the bathroom wall threatening to violate the bitch who fucked my boyfriend Senior year too. It was Stage 1A cervical cancer.

Weight even a therapist couldn’t manage. I had so much pride in myself that I refused to give it to God. Thinking or assuming he couldn’t manage the damage. Hadn’t he managed it in the first place? If you’ve read thus far, you have witnessed a miracle. People don’t appreciate a miracle until they see it standing in front of them. And even then, what do you choose? Do you acknowledge and respect the miracle or do you disregard it? My flame retardant soul won’t allow your decision to affect my future. And clearly God hasn’t either.

She didn’t need to understand the meaning of life; it was enough to find someone who did, and then fall asleep in his arms and sleep as a child sleeps; knowing that someone stronger than you is protecting you from all evil and danger.

I became less concerned with how someone looked and more concerned with how they looked at me as I came into self over time. it was my waking up to the fact that I was repeatedly getting my heart broken by even the best looking of men. I was still crying over the GQ model…

There was always room for improvement in how I treated myself. I think if I really truly loved myself as much as I thought I did at certain times; I wouldn’t have tolerated the moments where I sat as a second option to someone. Is it true that they must go out into the world and discover the rarity in something special they once had and only then is it; that they realize the girl they once had was actually ‘the one’? I am exhausted just typing that sentence. It’s an even more exhausting thing to go through…mentally and physically. I have been there, done that a few times. I want to know he loves me when I look at him. I want to be able to feel like he’s there for all the right reasons. That’s what scares me. Someone who isn’t there for the right reasons.

Playing with my emotions was a theme with so many that I had gone on dates with or even briefly talked to. Mixed messages, stringing alongs, lies, deception, etc. (I have played with people’s emotions as well before; but I am not trying to paint from that perspective right now.) I think it hurt ten times as much when they would hide me. I felt that shit. Every. Single. Time. And it hurt like a motherfucker. What I didn’t realize at the time is that (the right) man for me would be proud to show me off. A REAL MAN would want to show me off. He wouldn’t WANT to hide me at home. And he would not be the type of person who felt like he owned me.

It wasn’t fair to me when I was treated like that. It really wasn’t. It was pretty fucked up honestly. I remember how my heart hurt after each time I met someone who was just plain awful when it came to being true and honest. And there were times that they themselves were so fucked up in their personal webs of lies that they just had me caught in it. I am no claim to having patience for nonsense and cut that shit quicker than a stray thread. But it’s about who you associate yourself with. There was one who was about 35 years old at the time and had no desire to have more in life. I was about 25. The difference in mindset was so vast. And because he did not want much for himself, he couldn’t understand my wanting more for my own personal achievement.

All he could understand is everything he wanted for himself. There was no further outlook into what we could want together or even what I wanted. I’d given just about everything I could give when it came to suppressing myself. I didn’t necessarily think it was easy, but I didn’t think it would take as much of a toll on me that it did . He wanted me to hide parts of myself that I was proud of. He wanted me to change pieces of me that I thought fit perfectly.

It wasn’t until recently that I confirmed it for the 129,543rd time that I am not meant to be with that person. Not now, and not ever.

Looking back, I just remember how naive I was to it. How accepting I was of him acting like he could find better. He would say it. Although I didn’t believe it; and still don’t. The evidence is clear. I was the best many of them ever had.

But those lessons carry me through everything I deal with now. And these are the men who apologize now and want to get back together with me. And wouldn’t you love to know what I tell them? I tell them no. I want better. I want someone who just knows he needs to hold on to me while he has me because he might never get that chance again. I don’t want someone who finally realized they made a mistake in how they treated me years prior, asking for a second chance. I’m glad for your sake that you matured and apologize. But I’m good on that beloved.