Have you ever been around anyone, and they are so negative that when you finally get away from them; you are shocked at how much better you feel and perform. It is not without angst when you let someone you love go because they are just too toxic for you. The guilt that some people feel is what brings them back to interacting with this person that they have deemed as toxic to them.

Unfortunately, it’s not like the other toxic things in the world. When you reach for the bleach, there are warnings all over it; so you adhere to those warnings. When you begin dating someone, there aren’t warnings all over them unless you are witty enough to notice them. It’s hard at times to recognize the people that are truly toxic.

STAYING DISCONNECTED FROM TOXIC PEOPLE IS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF SPIRITUAL AND MENTAL GROWTH. STRENGTHENING YOUR AURA TO DEFLECT THEM IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

I remember thinking about how much I truly didn’t understand the toxicity in my own life at times when I needed that understanding the most. I was always told that by being such a kind, genuine and sweet spirit would mean I needed to protects myself more. There are people out there who seek to destroy those qualities like that.

I knew that the control factor of things is what made me initially so unwilling to continue devoting myself to a relationship I felt so small in. Where does control fit into a relationship? How much of it do you need? And more importantly who has the control; and if one person has more than the other. Let’s say the later is true; the toxic will overpower the non-toxic. That’s why in so many cases, the non-toxic people don’t leave the relationship. They continue to stay and suffer in the process.

I THOUGHT I WAS STRONGER THAN THAT.

Narcissistic and toxic men have a way that controlling us women that makes us feel like that is the only person who will ever love us. Because that is itself is control. THEY want to be the only person that does anything for you. And then they can come back and critique what they think is wrong. The fact that it then creates an atmosphere inside you where feel inadequate and essentially worthless. Now that you are down on the level, they want you to be on; it’s time to bandage the wound… How that materializes is they apologize and ‘win you back.’ They do win if you let them. But you can’t think of your heart or soul as something to be won in a game so unfair and detrimental to you. Fighting back and gaining the strength to do so was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I think of it like I had to rewire my brain to manifest love inside of me and for myself that had been buried deep within me for so long. I started writing and once I saw what I was writing I was done. For some reason. it wasn’t until I wrote down all that I had been through that I realized the damage that had been done to me. After that, I began living for me. All of the weight both physically and mentally fell off. Not only did I shed 150 pounds from my own physical self, the weight I shed from my mind was far greater and more important than any pound I had lost. Anyone can make with through, but it is not without warning. You will find yourself through the massive amounts of tears for loving yourself more. Don’t feel guilty. It’s all about you.

Always challenging my thinking, I like to adhere to standards create growth. This year was frantic. Felt rushed. Felt like you were standing in line, not quite knowing what it is that you are standing in line for. You know it is something. But the fact that you are unable to see anything that is going on makes it harder for you to move in your day to day life.

You get stressed. Worried. Anxious. Panicked. It’s a toll in itself. It is not something for the faint of heart. You truly have no idea what’s next. Either because you have not been shown the way, lost it or cannot find it. No matter the circumstance, you are here. Here in the pile of abundance of frantic humans just like you.

They are baiting you. Waiting for you to reach that downfall just so that they may create a fear in you to end it completely. End the fight. End your life. That’s what they seek. What they live for. What they want. They themselves must assume a position of power over another (either a weak adult, or child) so that they may inflict pain. Have you met them yet? I am positive they showed their asses in 2020, didn’t they? I bet there were people you never thought would be the way that they were. So insecure. So annoying. So ignorant. So pressured.

Now we have approached the end of the year and you should have been able to search back through the past months and see what exactly is the issue. What do you think happens when you are attempting to desecrate someone? Violate another human? I thought about this in the shower this morning…how you treat another person speaks volumes about how you are as a person. What you do does matter, but nobody wants a diamond ring from a narcissistic, insecure person. There just isn’t enough glue there. There isn’t enough glue with any of those people. Which is why they never stuck in my life. They never stayed. They were weak.

Strength is so many things to me. It is the ability to sit in the face of adversity and maintain. Nobody is saying that you have to balance something on your head that’s called “maintaining”… it is just so important to ask for help when you need it. Lean on those whom you can count on. Be a better version of yourself than you were the day before. It also is not up to another person who doesn’t have your best interest at heart to point out what you are doing “wrong.” They are not here for you. That much is clear. Maintaining is going through life and moving in a way that allows you to learn from your mistakes or things done to you. I love to hear from people how they don’t associate with people who go through problems in life. Good. Don’t associate with me. No funeral, I won’t hold you.

If you truly feel you have something to do with someone’s life path so much as to say that you judge and condemn them for the struggles present in their life; you aren’t who you think you are. You are anything but great. They aren’t you. You aren’t them. Why does it matter. Are they asking you for help constantly? Are you enabling them? What are you gaining by judging them? Are you getting aroused? These are valid questions. You must enjoy seeing others in pain if you can say that statement. Otherwise you would have compassion, be kind and steadfast that you can influence a positive change but instead just choose to be a negative asshole. Minding your own business is a good start.

And amongst all of this going on in 2020, I am still here. Still standing. Ready to fight. Ready to understand on a deeper level who you are as a person. There are empathetic souls in this world that attract Luciferian type energy. They are so draining. Nothing that comes from them is pure. They are always a feeling of hatred or lying in your presence. You can feel their disdain and displeasure with you. No matter how much they say they care or they love. Never-mind that. Because in their mind, it’s all about them.

I want you to understand something. This year has to teach you something about yourself that you never knew. And that hits both sides of the coin. Dark and Light. Good and Evil. When someone sends you hatred, you take that in. It is then up to you if you want to make that your reality or not. Just because they say it to you doesn’t make it true; you don’t have to make it a reality. Do not give it life. That is where I have fucked up all these years. Giving life to opinions of others. Giving life to fucks that should have never been given.

I think the hardest part of the entire ordeal was the reality. Looking back, I don’t remember how I made it through. I can give you things I made mistakes on. Things I fell short on. And things I wished didn’t happen. For me to find gratitude is sometimes hard. There’s a blessing everywhere. For everything. But when you are angry at yourself for going through something you weren’t prepared to handle and you are already so critical of the very things that make you who you are; you don’t realize how long it takes to heal. It takes no time to hate yourself. But so much more time to love who you are.

I would go to the shower and cry. Just walk to the shower just to stand there crying. It was that howl like a wolf. I smothered my face. ‘Be quiet’ I told myself. I didn’t want to wake anyone up. But I just couldn’t help it. Why did I feel the way I did. Too scared to tell anyone how I really felt. I felt so much shame. Wanting to pick up the phone and talk. Just get my mind off of the pain. I thought that if someone was in my presence would they want to see that I wasn’t in additional pain? Or would they want to see me with the added pain feature? Often wondering which way to turn, I started asking myself how I felt about me. Really wondering why was I so upset.

I was mad at the fact that I had to feel all of this. There was no masking it with a feeling of love. There was no masking it with drugs. That wasn’t something I leaned on naturally. More of a fitness and health oriented person, I knew my psyche needed cleansing. There was no hiding it with hatred. I just felt numb. I began trying to put my life back together once again. But I just couldn’t. Staying in a shelter was not serving me. The people that surrounded me were not as warm as I would have liked. They talked like they had jokes behind their eyes. And I acted like I had peace in my corner and refused to allow them to see the deeper parts of my soul. I didn’t trust some of the people closest to me. I wanted to get close to them but I felt that their questioning the validity of my trauma was going to detriment us ever having a relationship. And it did. The demons that were on my back were fighting with me alone. I gave into my strength and cut my stitches out myself. They said 10 days. So I did it at 14 just to be safe. I didn’t even want to go after the very reason I did that in the first place. But if I just let the truth stand there and not move, it’s that I was ashamed and scared and hurt. So I went to work. I didn’t have anything else to do. Wanting nothing more than to sit down and relax, I limped around Amazon warehouse with pus draining from my wound. Yes I was tired. Exhausted in face. Craving some sort of relaxation. I had no help with the deepest parts of me that were rotting. My intimacy didn’t exist. I was just trying to stay alive. And so I failed in so many ways trying to get myself to a level of satisfaction to where I felt like I was on top of things as I had been before.

I wished someone was there. Could cuddle. Could love me. Could cherish me. Could tell me how much I mean to you. How glad you are I’m alive. How happy you are with me being in your presence. But I didn’t get that. And standing in the mirror telling myself the very things I wanted to hear from a man never got boring. I never got tired of hearing or seeing myself call me beautiful. I went to bed alone. Might have spent 5 nights total somewhere else in the 90 days after the accident. The support and closeness that I needed just wasn’t there. And I refused to die.

I was angry at the universe for making me have to move. To leave what I considered to be home. To find myself all over again. Losing myself after the falling from the third story window at two, and losing my smiles; now I lost me. And it’s taken nothing but time to get it back. How I long for someone to share the deepest parts of me with. My third eye heightened in sensitivity, I see more about your fake concern for my well-being than you think and have to protect my inner peace. So I often don’t get to tell people how I feel. But I feel like I still want that love. I still want that feeling that the person is so excited that I’m still on this earth. And to what extent does it take to show it? Welcome me to a movie… a fairytale. My own.

Every day is a reminder of how strong I truly am when it comes to this. I guess if the situation was handled by someone else, they would have allowed the Legos to fall a long time ago, said those 3 words and gotten carried away with emotions and careless actions. But I can’t let that happen. We are great at what we are and what he wants is what we are right now. The question of if and when we would be more has crossed my mind so many times my brain is numb. The fact that his smile could undress me is paramount. And the scent of his skin (not his cologne) makes me dizzy with anticipation of touching him. The reality is that there are so many men out there is known to me. But why wait for him? Because he is worth it. And the worst thing that could be said is known. I have been strong enough to keep how I really feel to myself, and I know I will be strong enough to continue doing so. It’s spending the night, insatiable passion and deep conversations fit for friends that have been so since they were toddlers. No denying that the love I feel for him is stronger than 100 spider webs, but I can’t help but wonder; am I making a mistake?

*At this point I was dealing with a lot. I was never the type to be dating more than 4 people at once to be honest. Never really keeping long drawn-out connections because assaults would happen and distract my focus. I think looking back now it was imperative that I focused on what was in front of me. I lost a lot getting depressed about being strung along by so many different adventures in life. I was living in my apartment in Syracuse at the time. (1/7/25)

• A poem written to myself when I needed it the most. I was going through such a rough time. I had a boyfriend that refused to read my website or my writings or ever really recognize my trauma and try and be someone that gave me continual unconditional love. I needed that. As always.

Do not allow yourself to complete someone else’s dream.

You are not here for them.

You are something without them.

You are anything without them.

You are everything with yourself.

All is but an addition if it not be your children.

You are magnificent.

You are regal.

You are unattainable due to lack of strength in them.

You are precisely abundant in faith.

Abundant in joy.

Abundant in love.

Abundant in life.

You are something special without them too.

Just know you can be better.

And being better takes time.

It takes willingness to see the side of yourself that has fallen.

It is they who have deceived you into thinking you cannot get up.

You can get up.

You will get up.

You are quintessence.

And on we move. Let’s not even consider it a breath of air that we need to be in the same space with.

One thing I hated the most was seeing all these pictures of women on IG who ‘lost weight’ and actually comparing myself to them. (Yes, I have done that too).

Not knowing that the presentation was only for show. It wasn’t real most of the time. Most of them were women who were exaggerating the weight they lost, manipulating photos or having shortcut surgeries. I felt like none of those were options. Because in the end, not one would come out to serve me.

Ancient insecurities spoke evil in my ear. “You can’t.” I told myself I would be fine if I just ‘did what they did.’ They being the general conglomerate of people who had a disposition nothing like mine. See the insanity? That was in the beginning.

I learned that I needed to do more. I needed to know more. I needed to ultimately prove more to myself. I was not what those ignorant bitches (who didn’t know shit about me) called me in the break room. Little did they know my fat (and non-fat) ass would sand those bitches down like 100 grit. But I kept it to myself. I played the role ‘he’ told me I should play.

After all, that’s a large part of what got me here in the first place. All the ‘he’s’… constant pleasing of the ‘HE’, Never truly concerned about ‘SHE,’ She was me. She wasn’t he. And even though he claimed to love me, love wasn’t tearing me up from the inside out. Truth is most men will never know how to love me. I am not regular, that much I know.

It went to show that I needed to dive deeper into the actions that made me digress in this manner. Common sense told me it was the mind that needed working first because that was the first to be destroyed. With the cheating, the lies, the disloyalty, the deception, the gaslighting. Had me creating an alternative personality or version of myself that was contrary to my natural self; because me in my element clearly wasn’t good enough for him. I mean he needed others right?

(On my blog, Coveted Archives Podcast and Youtube Channel I discuss exactly what the fuck that was like. I’m talking deep into gaslighting to the point you question your every goddamn move)

I digress…

I no longer give a fuck what his reason was. I’ve done it before too. I’m pretty sure he didn’t give a fuck about my reason then either. It was the guilt from cheating on the one man that could have been “the one”…it was the constant, repetitive stages of grief because those closest to me were leaving this earth. It left me to figure it all out. It was the empty promises and unrequited love from a man that promised I was his next. It was the friends who secretly didn’t want anything but to see me on their level… never above to care for them if they stayed below. It was the men claiming to be interested in my mom or married but checking for me. It was falling out of a 3rd story window at 3 years old; left with a Traumatic Brain Injury. Having to learn how to talk, walk and function all over again. It was the boy who’s head I slammed into the locker Junior year of High School because he called me a ‘nigger bitch.’ It was the writings on the bathroom wall threatening to violate the bitch who fucked my boyfriend Senior year too. It was Stage 1A cervical cancer.

Weight even a therapist couldn’t manage. I had so much pride in myself that I refused to give it to God. Thinking or assuming he couldn’t manage the damage. Hadn’t he managed it in the first place? If you’ve read thus far, you have witnessed a miracle. People don’t appreciate a miracle until they see it standing in front of them. And even then, what do you choose? Do you acknowledge and respect the miracle or do you disregard it? My flame retardant soul won’t allow your decision to affect my future. And clearly God hasn’t either.

She didn’t need to understand the meaning of life; it was enough to find someone who did, and then fall asleep in his arms and sleep as a child sleeps; knowing that someone stronger than you is protecting you from all evil and danger.

I became less concerned with how someone looked and more concerned with how they looked at me as I came into self over time. it was my waking up to the fact that I was repeatedly getting my heart broken by even the best looking of men. I was still crying over the GQ model…

There was always room for improvement in how I treated myself. I think if I really truly loved myself as much as I thought I did at certain times; I wouldn’t have tolerated the moments where I sat as a second option to someone. Is it true that they must go out into the world and discover the rarity in something special they once had and only then is it; that they realize the girl they once had was actually ‘the one’? I am exhausted just typing that sentence. It’s an even more exhausting thing to go through…mentally and physically. I have been there, done that a few times. I want to know he loves me when I look at him. I want to be able to feel like he’s there for all the right reasons. That’s what scares me. Someone who isn’t there for the right reasons.

Playing with my emotions was a theme with so many that I had gone on dates with or even briefly talked to. Mixed messages, stringing alongs, lies, deception, etc. (I have played with people’s emotions as well before; but I am not trying to paint from that perspective right now.) I think it hurt ten times as much when they would hide me. I felt that shit. Every. Single. Time. And it hurt like a motherfucker. What I didn’t realize at the time is that (the right) man for me would be proud to show me off. A REAL MAN would want to show me off. He wouldn’t WANT to hide me at home. And he would not be the type of person who felt like he owned me.

It wasn’t fair to me when I was treated like that. It really wasn’t. It was pretty fucked up honestly. I remember how my heart hurt after each time I met someone who was just plain awful when it came to being true and honest. And there were times that they themselves were so fucked up in their personal webs of lies that they just had me caught in it. I am no claim to having patience for nonsense and cut that shit quicker than a stray thread. But it’s about who you associate yourself with. There was one who was about 35 years old at the time and had no desire to have more in life. I was about 25. The difference in mindset was so vast. And because he did not want much for himself, he couldn’t understand my wanting more for my own personal achievement.

All he could understand is everything he wanted for himself. There was no further outlook into what we could want together or even what I wanted. I’d given just about everything I could give when it came to suppressing myself. I didn’t necessarily think it was easy, but I didn’t think it would take as much of a toll on me that it did . He wanted me to hide parts of myself that I was proud of. He wanted me to change pieces of me that I thought fit perfectly.

It wasn’t until recently that I confirmed it for the 129,543rd time that I am not meant to be with that person. Not now, and not ever.

Looking back, I just remember how naive I was to it. How accepting I was of him acting like he could find better. He would say it. Although I didn’t believe it; and still don’t. The evidence is clear. I was the best many of them ever had.

But those lessons carry me through everything I deal with now. And these are the men who apologize now and want to get back together with me. And wouldn’t you love to know what I tell them? I tell them no. I want better. I want someone who just knows he needs to hold on to me while he has me because he might never get that chance again. I don’t want someone who finally realized they made a mistake in how they treated me years prior, asking for a second chance. I’m glad for your sake that you matured and apologize. But I’m good on that beloved.

When there’s reciprocation, it’s called requited love. Requited love is a love that is returned. Unrequited would mean the contrary.

I had to look at this situation I had found myself in, with open eyes. I wasn’t really going to benefit by going deeper within myself while still blaming myself for the current circumstance I was in. I needed to appreciate how and why I had gotten here in the first place. I think that was really the first step to escaping this type of love that I felt.

The way I wanted him to love me was not returned how I wanted. It wasn’t mutual. That made it unrequited. No matter how many times I fantasized about us being together one day, it wasn’t a reality at the time. And it didn’t even honestly seem like something he wanted from me in the future.

I was left asking myself so many question afterwards.

I often think that I went through that to teach me how to recognize signs of someone with genuine interest. To be able to contrast versus no interest. But none of that mattered in the moment.

It seemed like he was perfect for me. We bonded over poetry. That was really the topic of our first date. That was the theme that night downtown. Although its been years since we met, the memories are still fresh in my mind. The feeling is still fresh in me. I still get butterflies when I think about him.

Ancient, distant, cold, unrequited love. And I fell hard…deep…slow. Which only made the pain so much more. It was the difference between being cut with a serrated knife versus a straight blade. The blade was dragging in my skin. I can see the flesh underneath. But it was like I didn’t care. If you imagined his “No, I’m not ready” being the knife; I kept going back to that feeling of love for him. Only to be cut open with the truth.

Most people back away from things that inflict pain on them. And he was in no way to blame. He was so honest with me. Told me what it was and I should have accepted it. The stronger, more level-headed me says that the vulnerable, disarrayed me was infatuated with his presence. Infatuated with his commitment to friendship with me. Infatuated with him.

I think infatuation can be both beneficial and beautiful when it’s mutual and I have had it be mutual. But we cannot choose who we fall in love with sometimes. I have been fortunate to have many loves in my lifetime. And they each came with their own lessons.

The lesson I learned form loving him and not receiving it in return is that my love is deep. And that can be something that someone knows, but whether the respect it is up to them. By my remaining true to myself and how I felt, I opened the door for him to be true and honest with me about how he felt for me.

So, for that lesson alone, I am forever grateful.

Here’s something about me: I like to say, “I want to understand ________” And it’s true. I definitely do want to understand the majority of things. So, here is my latest question marked mind-boggling scenario.

I remember the very heightened part of my dating life. And believe me it was fun. But I would study the reactions and responses from men I was dating. And if there was something about them that I didn’t like, then I would ask for it to be changed or I would just disappear. It’s so strange to understand but a major habit of mine is to run. I am a runner. It is so hard for me to sit and listen to some sh*& that I don’t want to listen to… like REALLY don’t want to listen to. And excuses was always something I couldn’t stand from many men. I think I always wanted the old fashioned chivalry in a sense, but that’s a story for another day.

Him: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Nothing… hbu?”

Him: “Ahh not much, so when can I come over?”

I recently had a conversation with a friend and she told me she feels like she was mad at this man with whom she had a similar conversation with and he was asking to come over. I said to her… “Think about where your decision is ultimately coming from. Is it coming from a place of vulnerability or a place of confidence. If you are dating this man and you’re comfortable with him like that, then don’t let society’s opinions get in the way of your happiness.” By all means, be cautious if you just met the person.

******Now, STOP and read that over again. Got it?*******

Here is how I approached the above scenario:  So, my problem was never them coming over. It was the fact they never asked HOW are you doing? Because how I am doing matters more to me than what I am doing. And to be honest, it should matter to a man thats truly interested in you. And that goes both ways. But you need to communicate that to the person you’re seeing or talking to. Because they might have dealt with a different type of woman that didn’t like the same things you like, etc. 

Here’s something I don’t like: When you say “All Men Cheat”… There isn’t one man on this earth that doesn’t like to be romanced. Men need that. They need the surprise, they need you to allow them to be a man. If you don’t allow them to be a man and do the things THEY are telling you, then don’t be surprised if something comes up. I warned you. But if you are under the belief that ALL MEN CHEAT, please stop. I don’t agree. And it’s making it bad for many men. It is robbing them of true happiness either because they have cheated on someone they were with, or they have never cheated but you are treating them like they did. If someone never did something, then please stop treating them like they did something. It’s not fair. And you will lose them. Then when your man comes to you with the same concerns, its ok for you to be treated differently because you’re a woman? I never really liked those types of judgmental stereotypes. These are our men!! These men are the future for our sons that we give birth to!! Don’t be like that. But I am getting carried away…

I had given it so much thought.
– El’Aundra Dolce –

So much of what I am is strong. I think given my complacent nature about many other things, and so amped up about what I’m strong about handling actually balances out. I can sit here and lie telling myself I am weak and I need to go harder, cry longer, and dig deeper. Because at the end of the day I am not built like any other woman that I have met. And other people know that and use it against me by betraying me in more ways than one. Because they know I am innocent. I am innocent of greed that calculates into negative. I am innocent of lustful attractions towards those who mistreat me. I am not completely sure it’s natural for people to say that to themselves. But for me it just comes naturally. I am sitting in a bed in a woman’s shelter. I have taken weeks and turned them into progress. I am moving into an apartment that will be considered my place of movement. The fact that I am able to sit and remain calculated in the bigger picture further proves my point.

There was a period in time recently where I didn’t have a cell phone and instead of being angry I was focusing in. I am still not getting my own personal life right if I am without a phone due to the people I am around the most. 

I couldn’t believe the girl that I thought was cool enough to leave alone around some of my most prize possessions would steal something from me. It was quite uncomfortable for me to continue to look at her. How irritating it was for me to go through. They then became suspect. My iPhone 7+ had the logicboard fail in it yesterday and I am without any of the funds needed to fix it… at least right now. I do however possess the skill and tools to fix it on my own without a large expense. I am going to go without a smartphone for the remainder of time I have until I am able to access my storage and get the tools needed to fix my broken iPhone. I will not be on social media other than to write. I am done. I need to center myself and the only way to do that is cut myself of every situation and person that is taking from me and draining me. I cant say that I haven’t tried to be patient and kind and reserved and modest in my efforts to be a good person. I have done all of those things. But the fact of the matter is that the more I continue to do for others without doing for myself, the more I am going to fail at my own hardships.

The Universe is telling me that if I don’t receive the message this time that I need to focus on myself and getting where I need and want to be personally; I will be stripped until I have nothing. And I will have done it because of my own fault. Because I am giving more to others than I am giving to myself. I am not here right now for them. I am not in Syracuse for them. I am here for my son. To claim my son because pain done to him is pain to me. And pain to me is beyond pain to him. It is killing him. If you have read anything about how I gave birth to my son, you would know that I love that little boy unconditionally.

Making a way out of here to be able to do everything that I need to do is the most important to me. I have been looking at apartments in specific areas and I want to be able to be close to those I know I can count on and can count on me. Now that I have my eye on an apartment, I will do what I have to do in order to get squared away with getting into it and making it to the next milestone.

I am ready.

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” –Aldous Huxley

In most cases, people are extremely unaware of the impact they can have on someone. I am guilty of this myself. But more often than not, we should think about the realms to which we exist. Where do we go from here? What can we do? Think of these things the next time you bite the hand that feeds you for example.

A common practice is that of being vindictive to another human being. Why? Why are you even wasting your time? Let the universe and karma take its course and see what happens. I am a firm believer that if you step back from a situation that you want to react with vindictiveness, and dont insert yourself, you will see the “karma” come. It may not come in a day, a month or a year. But it will come. We all pay for what we do to another person in one form or another.

In my own personal experience, I thought that by loaning a friend money (that I barely had, and was a single parent at the time) I was helping out a friend. That “sure no problem” would be honored with my money being repaid to me. It was a substantial amount of money too. If it was $50… that’s not really a big deal. But I am talking 6 times that amount. BIG DEAL!!  That was 4 years ago. I haven’t seen one cent. The biggest thing with me being your friend is that if you are a true friend of mine, I will try my hardest to do right by you. Sure, we don’t want to see our friends suffer but if someone helps you out please pay it forward. I guess I considered myself to be “petty” for a little while and then I was like no, I am not being petty. I am being real. I am just feeling what any normal person would feel. Monthly payments? Nope. Pay when taxes come? Nope. This is something that at this point in time, I am learning to let go. I have learned to not let people “borrow” anything from me. Money or otherwise. A friend of mine told me (a year after this ordeal happened) that you can always tell the state of mind and lifestyle someone is living by their actions. In other words. I was being asked for money. And if someone goes around asking people for money all the time, then you should think twice about their life and wonder why. We all have ups and downs but doing the right thing (in life and by people) will bring good karma, and we will continue to be prosperous more than we will continue to suffer. But once you roll the ball of suffering, it is a down hill battle from there and it is very hard to stop that motion.

Improve yourself guys. Look deep inside you and think “What can I fix with ME?”

Until a later time…

The hardest conflict to resolve is the one within yourself
– El’Aundra Dolce –

I always was told if you tell yourself something often and long enough you will start to believe it. I started believing I was never going to find better or that I wouldn’t get what I deserved. But that I deserved the sick, twisted relationship I was in with him. I didn’t begin with me not loving myself. I stopped loving myself because I honestly thought everything that HE thought was wrong with me was based on valid opinions. Like his mattered over anything else.

I had more than my share of occurrences where I would be made to feel like I was crazy. As if I was the one who needed him in order to succeed in life. As if I was nothing without him and there was nobody better for me than him. The sad thing is that I started to believe it. I had gotten so out of shape because of how he was making me feel about myself and I started to notice people weren’t as attracted to me anymore. It was harder to make friends. It was harder to carry on a conversation about what I wanted in life and where my life was headed because I truly didn’t know. I didn’t know myself and I wasn’t able to discern whether it was because I had simply lost who I was or if I had just adopted how someone else felt about me as well as losing who I was.

There was no way for me to find out other than using time as my vice grip. It was the only thing that saved me. Time led me into learning more and more about the outcome of my decisions in that relationship. I saw the outcome of my good deeds when it pertained to him and they were hardly anything other than negative. I chose to sit and ponder my place in life with him as my master.

It wasn’t that I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Rather, it was that I had given up on my wherewithal to get there. I didn’t have the energy to get there nor did I believe in myself enough to see that all I needed to propel myself forwards was strength, and nothing more.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and everyday dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before and I always told myself that once I am out I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

I struggled to make sense of things even though they were in a shamble. One minute I wanted to continue to be with him and one minute I disliked him terribly for how he treated me, and the resentment had begun to build inside me. A forest fire of emotions would run through me every day because as each and every day dragged on with me being trapped in this relationship, I was losing sight of who I truly was inside. That conflict was causing so much friction inside me. It had been something I had never experienced before, and I always told myself that once I am out, I will never come back. There is no amount of money, pressure, gifts or anything else that would make me want to go back to the man I wasted almost 4 years of my life on; thinking there was something I did to deserve being treated like I was.

*As with all posts, stock WP Photography. Unless otherwise stated. Thank you.

Flashback to a time where I was fluidly moving.

Living in my passion for the arts and taking control of it.

Until I met a man who believed a woman’s place was much different.

Just as much as I believed I needed to sacrifice my passion.

And creativity to keep someone.

Apprehensive, yet curious I wanted to see if I could change that view.

In his mind.

I got caught up on ideals that weren’t mine.

Expectations I didn’t want to be part of.

And became a woman I now don’t even recognize.

I felt like there was nothing left.

I feel like there’s more than ever now.

Whether I am alone or not.

Inside my soul it’s like silk sheets of Gold.

I feel just as warm as the Bourbon in my hands.

“Those were in my corner actually weren’t they were in it the mix for their own benefit.”

I remember an ex would tell me not to take things to heart and that I needed to change everything about me because it wasn’t good enough…A friend that I thought was a friend accused me of something that is completely out of my character. I met someone new once and they would tell me not to swear so much…There was no freedom in who I was as a person and who I wanted to be. And that was evident by how those were around me were treating me because of how I felt about myself.

“The problem we have is our lack to empathize with other people. The fact that we are too expecting of them to change instead of taking them as they are”.

Do not try to change something about someone that in nature isn’t threatening to you. Do not try to change something about someone to accommodate you. Do not change the things about that person that make them who they are. If someone doesn’t suit me, it’s ok. I will keep the shit moving because I am in no position to lose sleep over how someone else feels or doesn’t feel about me.

Imagine yourself walking through a path we call life, and how you treat or feel about yourself determines how ‘sticky’ your skin is.

In other words, if you have low self esteem, your body is covered in stickiness because everything you encounter is going to stick to you. Why? Because of how you feel about yourself. On the other side, if you have a high self esteem, your body isn’t sticky at all. You might encounter one or two feathers along the way that stick to you.. but for the most part nothing sticks to you. Your “layer” gets thicker because of the feathers. Each and every feather that is on you is masking what’s underneath… the true you. Every feather represents someone else’s opinion about you. And if you know anything about feathers (thankfully I do lol); every single feather is not like another. The same is true for each person’s perspective, thoughts of you and what they say about you based on that information. So what do you do? If you had to pick each feather off of your body one by one, that would take a lot of time right? It would even take a bit of self discovery for you to get the courage to get rid of the feathers weighing you down, but eventually you would realize how much other people and their thoughts and opinions don’t fucking matter. Eventually a ‘weight’ would be lifted off of you.

Stop letting other people who feel like shit about themselves bring you down. It’s not fair to you to sit down and take someone else’s shit just because they think you deserve it. There isn’t a reason in this world that you cant say no to allowing those feathers stick to you. It is important for you to understand that your love for yourself takes over the love someone else has for you. The science behind that is really about loving yourself and letting that radiate. Everything else will follow.

A date a couple months ago involved a conversation that went like this:

The guy said “I don’t like women who drink.”

I stared at him for a second…”Care to elaborate?”

“I just don’t like women who drink. I think its a nasty habit. My mother was an alcoholic…” he said

So, I took another sip of my fucking Jameson on the rocks and proceeded to enjoy the hell out of that sip. I looked at him and then looked at his beer. Yup, you read right. He had a motherfuckin beer! I couldn’t believe this douchebag. Here’s what I said: “So what you’re saying is your mother was an alcoholic, and because of that you feel the need to put a sexist one sided standard on women you encounter? I am not your mother, and I just don’t think that’s a fair thing to say.” I never called him again.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Talent is something I don’t ever run short of. I am ridiculously talented. I have always believed that you have to tell yourself that as a mantra to manifest confidence. It took me such a long time to relay this level of confidence and assurance to myself. I was a little bit too concerned with what people thought of me, my lifestyle, my attitude etc. As I approach 30, I can tell you that I couldn’t give any fucks at all about other people’s opinion of me. I am who I am. Unique AF.

It was an unfortunate past relationship that had me wondering where the hell my life was headed. I felt as if my personality was suffocated during this time and everything revolved around this person. I started losing myself. And eventually lost him… but to this day I can’t say I regret losing him or the relationship. I DON’T CARE. In order for you to get to where I am at with truly being “self-centered” (centered on yourself is not a crime people), you have some serious work to put in. Start making time for yourself.

It wasn’t until a person I had met once or twice had approached me and said “I follow your blog Elle, why don’t you do that as a career? Like why don’t you get a degree in that?”

I replied: “Hello____. Glad to see you are doing well. Um… If I wanted to do that, I would. I like Nursing for completely different reasons, and make my choice to do Nursing and my blog solely based on what I want. But thanks.”

The audacity of some people. I wanted to say “Why don’t you leave me the hell alone?” or even a simple “None of your business.” But professionalism is best served with a side of sarcasm and attitude. I delivered my speech to that person as I wanted. And to this day I have asked myself the same question but never doubting where I want to go with my life. It amazes me the inquisitive nature of some people.

There are always going to be people who say “Why don’t you become _______”, or “Why don’t you do _______.” Please pay no attention to those people. They are surely curious. Be confident in what you are choosing for yourself. You are the only person who can change yourself.

As for me, I will continue to do Photography, Blogging, Vlogging, Makeup, Nursing, Writing, Baking, Cooking, and even the occasional pumping of my own gas. 🙂 But seriously, Live your life the way you want.

First off, I’m single right now.

More importantly.

I am a grown.

Independent.

Gorgeous woman.

I will fuck and suck whenever I want.

Whomever I please.

And if you feel some type of way.

Too bad.

If I choose to be in a relationship.

Those terms and the discretion.

Of that relationship is my business.

I refuse to apologize.

Or give a fuck what anyone on earth thinks.

About that if you have no right.

To have an opinion.

There is nothing shameful.

About a woman in touch.

With her sexuality.

It’s a beautiful thing.

And the only people.

That would halt.

The above escapades of the single life,

Or have an opinion.

Are my man.

Or my unicorn.

Wake up.