My Peace

Here’s honesty this morning. A side note on my personal life; think of it as a chapter. As I’m thinking about my life and now that I understand more of the time that I have wasted in my lack of scholarly exceeding experience, my expectations have changed. To a much less voided space where I can completely understand that this man that’s often in my mind is worth more than money because essentially his value to me could be more of a priceless point. That being something where I would ever so gladly give him 12 children before I gave him money to prove his worth to me or anyone else. Define that. Argue it. You can’t. It’s beautiful. It doesn’t need a definition or an argument. It is what the fuck I said it is. There would need not be argument with God or anyone else for not having him in any form. But my gratitude for knowing him exceeds what others speculate. I always have him in my dreams. Whether you marry him or I do. The root in the foundation of how we came to be anything at all resided in poetry. That’s why he’s always going to be my muse. 💚 And my heart could spell nothing other than words of gratitude since his entrance in it.

Would I post his picture? 🤔 Is it not more fun to play Nancy Drew? I used to read those books. And the mystery is what turns people on about us. I love it. But I think we all know who this man is. I go crazy over him. I don’t play about my peace. 🕊️ He is the definition of safety to me and it breaks my heart what mental illness like ptsd can do to me when you shut people out. But I learned to live a life I have always lived which is in my head and heart. And if/when it’s the right time for him to tell people something different I would oblige. I believe I need to be of certain mindset and stature etc to be suitable at the very least for him because of the respect I have. When there is work to do to get yourself back from where you lost yourself you may act in ways you otherwise wouldn’t act. And there’s work to do there. But I have never had shame in stating who had captured my heart without being in a relationship ever. Just shame that I did not do things differently to show and prove in other ways that would have otherwise impressed differently. But grateful for memories. Because my dreams are filled with them often. And they’re always happy.

Walking in truth would align me to not act out in ways that create the feeling that I’m fleeting. Such as anger. And I see that. But have to cherish the time it takes to come back from that and pay the consequences for other actions as a result of being secluded. It is not hate I wish people to feel. It is that I have had traumatic experiences that I only wish I could share and don’t get the time to when I have had it. And that hurts. Because the last thing I want to do is hurt people. But there are such happy things in life when you don’t incorporate sex into EVERYTHING. Because I incorporate scent. And smell is everything. And I miss his smell the most. Just the smell of his skin. His hairy self.

I am proud of him. He is the son of Syracuse to me. And I did hate Syracuse. Because I didn’t want him taken away from me. And I felt like I had to fight for him with my life. And so many other things. Because I always felt like that man was made for me. And I get mad when people question or play with how I feel. Because it plays with how I feel about myself. And that essentially plays with him. And I don’t play about him. He drinks green tea out of a white ceramic mug with J on it. I bought it. He knows I prayed to god for the strength to wait my turn 50 years if I had to. I make that known.